


Chasing Summer

by Dressed_In_Darkness



Series: Chasing Summer [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Awkward Boners, Awkward First Times, Blow Jobs, Coming of Age, Eventual Smut, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Humor, M/M, POV First Person, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Poetic, Romance, Sad, Sexual Frustration, Slow Build, Switching, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, sick!Eren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 12:20:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 115,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4059769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dressed_In_Darkness/pseuds/Dressed_In_Darkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two more weeks left before Levi Ackerman graduates from high school and leaves the small town of Shiganshina. He can't wait for the moment that he can finally put that dreadful town behind him. But when a Grisha Jaeger becomes the new family doctor, bringing along his ill son that breathes new life into the town he desperately wants to escape, will Levi find a reason to stay?</p><p>All rights reserved</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spot of Warmth

**Author's Note:**

> Here I am with my last Ereri fanfiction. I really want this to be a light and fun fic, one that I will enjoy writing every step of the way. I can't promise that there won't be sad moments, because there will be, but I hope, in the end, they will be worth it. 
> 
> In this, Jean, Levi, and Petra are best of friends. I think you'll be able to figure that out right away. When I thought of this idea, I kept picturing Jean and Levi hanging around each other and I liked them as friends, so I kept to it. I know a lot of people won't be able to picture it like I did, but as I add more chapters, I hope their friendship will grow on you. I know that I am quite fond of it, at this point.
> 
> So, here we go again. Go on and read. :)
> 
> Portuguese Translation can be found here: [(x)](http://simeushippo.blogspot.com.br/2016/03/cap-1-perseguindo-o-verao.html)

Lunch period was spent sitting in the middle of the basketball court with Jean, which had basically been our ritual since seventh grade. He was stretched out in front of me, hands tucked behind his head so he could gaze up at the overcast sky with a cigarette caught between his parted lips. Smoke drifted out of his mouth, giving his face a hazy effect. All I could think about as I stared down at him was how the ground he was so casually lying back on was covered in old, chewed up gum.

            Disgusting.

            “Hey, Levi,” he said, passing me the cigarette. “Are we going to that bonfire Coach Smith is throwing tonight?”

            Since there were only two weeks left of school, Coach Smith thought he’d be a champ and throw a bonfire for the seniors at Shiganshina High. I hadn’t planned on going, but there wouldn’t be anything better to do tonight. This town was so small it was almost nonexistent.

            As I took the cigarette from him, I said, “Might as well.”

            He sat up, a smirk appearing on his face. “Petra’s going.”

            I liked to let Jean believe that I was into Petra, a pretty red head with big, amber eyes. Her and I went way back, knew her long before I was a fuck up. I considered her a good friend, someone I could count on, but that didn’t mean I felt anything for her. She was just a friend, but if I told that to Jean, he would never shut up about it.

            “Yeah,” I said, letting the cigarette roll around on my tongue. The sharp taste of cloves bit at my throat, complimenting the smoke that was now burning my lungs.

            “I think she’s bringing that kid, though.”

            That _kid_ that Jean was referring to was Grisha Jaeger’s son. Grisha had become Shiganshina’s own family doctor earlier this year. He spruced up an old building out on Ray Road, smacked Jaeger Family Medicine on the front, and was welcomed into the community of this shitty town with open arms. The nearest hospital was in Trost, a good two hour drive away, so it was no surprise that all the locals were glad to see a doctor take up residence here.

            “So?” I said.

            “I don’t know. It’s just going to be a drag with him around.”

            Eren, that was the kid’s name, was confined to a wheelchair. Petra had told me that there wasn’t anything wrong with his legs. That wasn’t the reason behind the wheelchair. The reason was his lungs. She didn’t know the details or the severity of his health issues, but even the simple act of walking was too much for him. He ran out of breath easily, so in order to get around without any trouble, he used a wheelchair.

            “You won’t even have to do anything,” I told him. “Petra will push him around.” She had taken a liking to Eren, said he was nice. I knew it bugged her that no one had befriended him because of his mode of transportation.

            Jean shrugged. “Whatever then.”

            The bell rang and I took one last drag from the cigarette before I handed it back to him. “Put that shit out.”

            “Why the rush?” He took another puff of smoke. “Coach will be able to smell it on our clothes, anyway.”

            “Just put it out,” I said.

            He dropped the cigarette to the ground and crushed it under his shoe. “Happy?”

            I didn’t answer him. Instead, I walked toward our fourth period, which was gym class with Coach Smith. He was a monster of a man and was one of the few adults in this town that I didn’t downright despise. That had a lot to do with the fact that he'd bailed me out of trouble more times than I care to admit. He was the only person who knew that Kenny, my good-for-nothing uncle, had more or less abandoned me.

            When Jean caught up to me, he threw his arm over my shoulders. “You think we’re going to get laid tonight?”

            Getting laid was all Jean ever thought about. “I’m not looking to get laid.”

            “Sometimes I wonder about you,” he said. “Then how about you help me out, huh?” He wiggled his eyebrows.

            “No.” The last thing I wanted to do tonight was help him lose his virginity to some chick he didn’t even like.

            “You’re the worst wingman.”

            I shoved him. “I’m not your wingman.”

            “You don’t have to tell me that.”

 

(x) 

 

After school, I found myself helping Petra load Eren’s wheelchair into the back of her truck. She had offered to drive him home to drop off his backpack before we headed out to the beach for the bonfire.

            While we worked, he sat in the passenger seat, head popping out every so often to check on our progress. He had these eyes that demanded my immediate attention. They were fucking big and beautiful, like emerald stones that shone under the summer sun. Whenever he looked at me, I more or less stared right into them. I knew it caught him off guard, because he would quickly duck back into the cab of the truck.

            “He’s really shy,” Petra said to me after we finally got his goddamn wheelchair settled in. “But he’s so nice.”

            “Okay,” I told her, because what else could I say to that? I didn’t care to get familiar with him. In two weeks, I’d be booking it out of Shiganshina. No need to make new friends, or even attempt to. “We’re coming back after dropping off his stuff, right?” Jean, being the stupid moron that he was, had gotten detention for chucking a pencil at Ms. Brzenska, so we had to double back to pick him up.

            “Yeah.” She smiled, scooting off the bed of the truck to push up the tailgate. “Eren doesn’t live too far, so it shouldn’t take long.”

            “Right,” I said.

            When I walked to the passenger side, Eren lurched to the middle of the bench seat before I could even open the door. He clutched onto his hunter green backpack like it was a lifesaver and refused to look my way as I climbed into the seat next to him. I shut the door a little too hard, which caused him to jump up.

            Damn, the kid was skittish.

            He seemed to relax when Petra joined us. He even gave her a small smile as she started up the truck.

            “My iPod’s right there,” she said to him, pointing to a yellow iPod touch that was tucked in the storage compartment under the car stereo. “You can put on whatever you want, Eren.”

            “Oh.” He looked embarrassed, but picked up the iPod nonetheless. I could tell that he didn’t want to pick a song by the way he kept scrolling through all her playlists. So, to help him out, I leaned to the side and tapped on the screen. A slow tune came over the speakers and it sounded rather sexual.

            Petra started singing along with the vocalist, seemingly unaware of Eren’s inner turmoil. He was flushing, cheeks going from a soft tan to a deep red in five seconds flat. For some reason, I found the sight appealing.

            “I love this song,” Petra said, swaying from side to side as she tapped her fingers on the steering wheel.

            “So does Eren,” I commented, and then realized that I had just teased him.

            Wow. No.

            Eren fumbled with the zipper of his backpack, eyeing it like it was something grand to behold. “Um, it’s okay.”

            I decided to end his misery by plucking the electronic device from his hand. I put on a song by Garbage and he visibly relaxed when the lyrics consisted of milk and red-hot kitchens.

            “That’s Levi, by the way,” Petra said after a while. “If he looks like an asshole, it’s because he _is_ an asshole.”

            I leaned forward to glare at her past the boy that was now donning a wide-eyed, oh-shit look. “Fuck you, too.”

            She laughed. It was a light, happy sound. “We’re best friends, Eren, so I can tease him. Right, Levi?”

            “Yeah, sure,” I muttered, flipping her off.

            I let her get an eyeful of my middle finger before I turned my head to the right to gaze out the window. The sky was filled with dark, ominous clouds that blocked the sun, giving us a grey, muted light. Trust Coach Smith to throw a bonfire on a night that it was going to rain cows. How was that for fun? 

            Shiganshina sucked ass.

            As Petra turned onto a street named Stewart, Eren began to fidget. He kept glancing out the front windshield with this nervous expression on his face. I couldn’t figure out what his problem was until his eyes darted to the bed of the truck, and then it all clicked into place. He didn’t want us to unload his wheelchair just so he could drop off his backpack.

            “Just give it here, damn,” I said, tugging the backpack out of his grasp. “Don’t have to sit there shitting bricks. You could’ve just asked.” He opened his mouth, but no words came out. “Need anything from your house? A coat? An umbrella? A pair of balls?” Why was I teasing this kid? I didn’t even know him. Goddamn.

            The look that last line rewarded me was priceless, though. He looked baffled, nothing but unfinished words spewing out of his mouth. Then his lips stretched into a thin line and those eyes settled on my face. They were practically glowing with a passion that left me breathless.

            “I have balls,” he stated matter-of-fact, pouting. He smacked his legs a few times with bunched up fists. It made me want to laugh, because he looked like an angry kitten chasing a string of yarn he just couldn’t catch.

            It was kind of adorable.

            “Good for you,” I said, offering him a crooked grin for his efforts.

            Petra ignored our conversation, slowing the truck down to peer at the house numbers adorning each black mailbox we drove by. “Is this it?” she asked as she pulled up in front of a two-story house that resembled some home you’d see in the _Leave it to Beaver_ show.

            Eren nodded. “Yeah, that’s the one.”

            “Am I going to have to deal with Dr. Jaeger?” I questioned while throwing the door open. He shook his head, digging his hand into the front pocket of his jeans to extract a keychain that held a variety of keys. He tossed them to me. “Okay then. I’ll be back.”

            “Wait,” Eren said. I turned back to him. “Uh, there’s an oxygen tank in the front entry. It’s in a small steel cart. Do you mind grabbing it?”

            Well, the kid’s lungs really were shitty. “Sure.”

            After I hopped out of the truck, I rounded the hood to walk up the stone pathway that led to the front door. When I reached it, I fumbled with the keychain for five seconds before I saw that all of the keys had label caps on them. I rolled my eyes, selecting the one labeled HOUSE.

            Stepping inside, I was hit with the strong fragrance of cinnamon. I didn’t have to look far to find the source. There was a decorated bowl of scented pinecones sitting atop a grey entry table.

            I wrinkled my nose, ignoring them as I glanced around in search of a steel cart. I found it pushed up against the wall to the right of me, tucked under a coat rack. I stepped up to it and grabbed the handle, wheeling it out of the corner as I casually dropped Eren’s backpack in its place. Then I made my way out of his cinnamon-scented house, locked the front door with his stupid labeled key, and lugged the oxygen tank cart behind me as I strode up to Petra’s truck.

            “Do you need this?” I asked Eren as I pulled open the passenger door. “Or can I just toss it in the back?”

            “You can’t toss oxygen tanks,” Petra said with a roll of her eyes. “Just put the cart in the back, but let Eren hold the tank.”

            I made a face. “Do I look like a damn bellboy?”

            Eren mumbled, “Sorry,” right as Petra said, “You offered.”

            Instead of putting up any type of argument, I did what she told me to do, eager to be back on the road. By now, Jean was probably out of detention. Not that I cared that he’d have to wait for us. The dumbass knew better then to throw a pencil at a teacher. What in the hell was he thinking? Or, better yet, had he been thinking at all? I would bet all the money I had on the latter.

            Fifteen minutes or so later, we were back at school, which was an ugly red brick building that looked as old as time. Petra was idling in the parking lot beside the auditorium. The second Jean spotted her truck, he ran up to it, tossing his messenger bag in the back. When he was free of it, he yanked open the passenger door, taking one look at the seating arrangement before he threw himself on top of me.

            “You fucker,” I muttered, banging my fist against his back.

            He grinned at me. “It’s going to rain, ass muncher. I’m not going to get wet.”

            “So you decided to bury your ass in my lap?”

            “Hell yeah! I mean, what the fuck is the point in having a best friend if you can’t even bury your ass in their lap every once in a while? Am I right?” He turned to Petra, waiting for confirmation.

            She just gave Eren an apologetic look for our behavior. “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

            Eren scooted closer to her. “Okay,” was all he said.

            Petra drove out of the parking lot after that, and Jean turned up the music to an obnoxious volume that made the whole truck vibrate. As he leaned back, satisfied with his handiwork, I smelt the cigarettes and cheap cologne that clung to his beige button-up. The smell would’ve bothered me, if I weren’t so used to it by now. Jean and I had been friends for way too long. There was nothing about him that I wasn’t already accustomed to.

            “I’m so hungry,” he said, dropping his head back onto my shoulder. “I blame you, Levi. You’ve corrupted me with cigarettes. Now I don’t even eat lunch.”

            “I’m not the one that stole that pack from your dad,” I told him. “And isn’t this mine?” I grabbed the leather necklace that hung around his neck.

            “You never wear it.” He picked up the black wing pendant that dangled on the end. “Plus, you left it at my house, so you basically granted me access to it.”

            I shoved him forward. “I’m going to choke you with it.”

            “Will both of you quiet down?” Petra said. She rolled down the driver’s side window to prop her arm up on the door. “How is it so cold out? It’s almost summer.”

            Summer didn’t exist in Shiganshina. Seriously. There were four weather types here: rainy, stormy, windy, and snow. There was no in between. Which was why I couldn’t understand why Coach Smith thought it would be a good idea to have a bonfire at the beach. He had lived in this town all his life, so he knew better then to expect the sun to shine down on us today.

            “You say that like you haven’t been living here for long,” Jean said. “Shiganshina demands permanent coat status, man.” He faced Eren. “Welcome to Hell.”

            Eren swallowed. “I-It doesn’t seem so bad.”

            “Just you wait. You’ll never see the sun again.”

            Eren looked like someone had just rained on his parade. He had slumped forward, brown hair falling messily over his eyes, which were now downcast. As I looked at him, I wondered why his dad chose to move to Shiganshina of all places. Eren was the embodiment of summer: the warmest season of the year.

            “You look like summertime,” I told him. The instant the words were out of my mouth, I couldn’t understand why I had said them.

            Those alluring eyes slid up to my face. “What does summertime even look like?”

            “Warm.” _Hot, sticky, sweaty, wet,_ I mentally added. 

            He let out a small giggle. “But I’m cold.”

            “Moron,” I said. “I asked you if you needed anything from your house.”

            “I hate to break up this incredibly gay conversation,” Jean intervened, “but we’re here.”

            Petra gave me a lopsided smile that I chose to ignore in favor of watching Eren look like he had just gotten the wind knocked out of him. Judging by his reaction, he had taken Jean’s gay comment seriously. So, wanting to have a little fun with him, I leaned toward him and said, “If you’re cold, I could always warm you up.”

            “N-no,” he answered right away. “I’m good.”

            I bit back laughter. “I’m fucking with you, Eren. Relax. You look like you already had something rammed up your ass.”

            Since he was now the same shade as a ripe tomato—he was seriously blushing that hard—I decided to give him a break, for the time being. I slipped out of the truck, moving around to the back to help Petra unload Eren’s wheelchair. Once we had it set up, she pushed it over to the passenger side and I left them alone to go catch up to Jean, who had started down the path that led to the beach.

            When I was in stride with him, he said, “I’m going to eat, because we both know Coach Smith brought some chow, and then I’m going to try to get laid.”

            “Who are you going to try to have sex with?” I asked. “There’s all of five girls’ that go to Shiganshina High: two being lesbian, one being taken, and the other being Petra. That leaves you with Annie.” I knew for a fact that Annie wouldn’t even poke him with a six inch stick, let alone let him whip his dick out anywhere near her.

            He groaned. “You’re right. This is hopeless. I’m just going to stuff myself with crappy food and pass out on the beach.”

            “If you think I’m carrying you back to the truck, think again.”

            He elbowed my arm, raising an eyebrow. “C’mon, baby. Carry me back to the truck.”

            “Hell no,” I said, pushing him away from me.

            It wasn’t hard to spot Coach Smith once we made it down to the beach. He had a fire the size of a tall bookcase going. There were five kids gathered around it and I knew all of them like the back of my hand. I had grown up with almost everyone who resided in this town.

            Connie moved away from his girlfriend Sasha to come greet us. “Coach Smith is making s’mores,” he said, holding one up for the both of us to see. “Come and get one before Sasha eats them all.”

            At that, Sasha smiled wide. “You know I will.”

            Sweets weren’t my thing, so I waved Jean forward and walked to the shoreline alone, stuffing my hands into the pockets of my navy-blue jacket in a sad attempt to keep them warm. The sea looked dark and unwelcoming, a seemingly endless paradox. It frightened me, the ocean, because there was so much of it that hadn’t been explored. What remained down there was unknown, a mystery to us land dwellers.

            “It’s so beautiful,” a small voice said in awe from behind me.

            I turned around to see Eren, a small spot of warmth and color against the grey horizon. His breaths came in short spurts, chest rising and falling at a fast pace. “Are you okay?” I asked.

            He nodded, smiling brightly. Then he raised his arms up, letting his head fall back as his eyes slid shut. The breeze blew back his hair and he looked incredibly happy, _the embodiment of summer._ “Hey,” he said. “Can I take a picture of you?”

            “With what camera?” Last I checked he hadn’t brought anything along with him other then his oxygen tank.

            “This one.” He turned around in his wheelchair to tug open a small arm bag that hung on the handgrips. It looked like an old hunk of metal. “It’s a film camera. I really enjoy film photography.”

            I turned back toward the sea. “I don’t like photographs.” They were permanent, capturing a moment that would be done and over within a second of time.

            “I won’t show them to you, then,” he said. A series of clicks followed and I sighed. The photo shoot didn't last long, though, because he suddenly erupted in a coughing fit.

            “Goddamnit,” I muttered under my breath, slipping off my jacket before I walked up to him and draped it over his shoulders. “There. Are you good now? You sounded like you were about to hack up a lung.”

            He pulled my jacket closer to his body, smiling. “I’m fine.” He looked past me at the ocean. “I can’t get over how beautiful it is. I could stay here all day.”

            I wanted to tell him that the only thing beautiful in this godforsaken town were those unbelievable eyes of his, but instead just turned back to the sight that had captured his attention.

            Two more weeks, and I would never lay eyes on this beach again. I would get onto a bus that would take me far away from here, and I’d never look back. The only people I planned to keep in touch with were Petra and Jean. Everyone else in this town would soon be forgotten.

            “Thank you, by the way,” Eren said in a small voice, pulling the hoodie of my jacket over his head. Even in this cold weather, he still managed to appear cozy and warm. “It smells good.” He grinned, snuggling down in my jacket with an expression of content.

            _I’ll forget about you, too,_ I thought, even as I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.


	2. My Personal Hell Is Your Promise Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Freedom is ours as long as we escape_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say that I hate the way you have to capitalize titles. Like, who came up with that? Stop it.  
> Anyway, I really want to have fun with this fic, so I'm sorry if my sense of humor isn't to your liking. I had so much fun writing this, and that's what I want. I mean, this is a freaking fan fiction for a couple I absolutely adore, so I just want it be laid-back and easy going. And well, fun and cute. :)
> 
> P.S. I seriously cannot believe it has taken me two fics to finally include my baby Jean. He was actually one of the first characters I adored (other than Eren, because I was extreme fan-girling over Eren since episode one and chapter one of the manga).

After an hour on the beach, it began to sprinkle. I was sitting in front of the fire next to Jean when the first droplet landed on my cheek. I tilted my head back, gazing up at the sky for five seconds before I stood up. I lived in Shiganshina long enough to know that it was going to pour in a matter of minutes. There was no way I was going to stick around to get drenched.

            Everyone around me stood up, too—all except for Eren, who looked a little too cheerful sitting in his wheelchair with my jacket swallowing up his upper body. When he saw that more than half the group was already walking up the path to the parking lot, his face fell, eyebrows pulling together in confusion. He had no clue that it didn’t just sprinkle in this town. We literally lived by the saying “When it rains, it pours.”

            Petra got to her feet, brushing away the sand on her jeans before she walked behind his wheelchair. “Time to go,” she told him, grabbing hold of the handgrips.

            “But why? We haven’t even been here for that long.” He turned his head to stare at the ocean with longing. What did he see in that vast body of salt water that made him look at it like that?

            “It’s going to start coming down hard,” she said.

            As if on cue, the rain picked up and I was left standing there to feel it soak through my thin T-shirt. I could tell by Eren’s expression that he was going to be stubborn about wheeling himself up the path, so I took matters into my own hands, because I didn’t want to get any wetter than I already was.

            “Wrap your arms around my neck,” I said, leaning into him. When he gave me this puzzled look, I added, “I am not about to stand around waiting for you to haul your ass up that hill. Petra can push your wheelchair up to the truck. It’ll be a lot easier on her without you in it.”

            Petra gave him a sympathetic look, but said, “That’s true.”

            “Fine,” he grumbled under his breath, looping his arms around my neck without making eye contact. I slid my arm beneath his knees and pulled him up against my chest. “Is it always like this here?”

            I started walking toward the path, my feet sinking into the soggy sand with each step. Petra was close behind. “Yep. It’s raining all the time here.”

            “And if it’s not raining,” Petra said, “it’s windy out.”

            Eren sighed, ducking his head further under the hoodie of my jacket. He didn’t say anything more as I continued to make my way up to the parking lot, which wasn’t hard at all, considering he weighed so little. It made me wonder how sick he really was, but I didn’t linger on the thought. It wasn’t any of my business.

            By the time I got to the truck, we were both sopping wet. I saw that Jean had already made himself comfortable inside, offering us a little wave as I tugged open the passenger door.

            What an asshole.

            “You could’ve helped,” I muttered, easing Eren down into the passenger seat. He unwrapped his arms from around my neck, mumbled a thank you, and continued to shake like a leaf. His teeth were chattering, but that wasn’t what nabbed my attention. It was the way he was breathing that did that. It was like he couldn’t take in a deep breath. “Do you need your oxygen tank?”

            Those green orbs found mine and he nodded.

            I climbed into the truck, shoving Jean aside with more force than the action warranted, and then heaved Eren’s oxygen tank into my lap. There was a clear tube hanging from the top that I grabbed and handed over to him. He quickly slipped it on. It split beneath his chin, wrapped behind his ears, and then united in his nostrils. After that, he used some wrench thing to turn a nob on the oxygen tank.

            A couple minutes passed by, his breathing evening out and I asked, “Better?”

            He smiled. “Mhm.”

            For some reason, relief washed through me. Though the moment was cut short when Jean pointed at the clear tube and said, “What the hell is that, anyway?”

            “This?” Eren asked, flicking the tube. “It’s a nasal cannula.”

            Jean cocked his head to the side, looking like a stupid chicken. “A nasal what?”

            I would have made some smart remark at that, if I didn’t suddenly hear Petra struggling to put Eren’s wheelchair in the back. With a sigh, I threw open the door, hating that I had to get wet all over again, but what else was I going to do? If Petra didn’t get out of the rain soon, she was going to get sick.

            When I was outside again, I ambled to the back, took one look at Petra struggling to lift the wheelchair, and all but flung it up into the bed of the truck. She shot me a did-you-really look, but I thoroughly ignored it. “Now let’s get the hell out of this rain,” I said to her, already walking back to the passenger side door.

            Once I was inside, I leaned forward in the seat to peer out the windshield. The clouds looked like a thick grey blanket covering the sky. I could tell by looking at them that this rainfall was going to turn into a full-fledged storm soon. Storms here were awful. They weren’t to be taken lightly, and driving during them was plain idiotic.

            “My house is the closest,” Petra said as she hopped into the driver’s seat. “You guys can stay there until this storm settles down.”

            Jean and I didn’t comment. We had been to Petra’s house plenty of times. Eren, on the other hand, was still new here and looked like a deer caught in headlights. No one other than me seemed to notice. Jean started babbling on about how the s’mores Coach Smith made gave Reiner extreme gas, while Petra just started up the engine and burned rubber as she drove out of the parking lot.

            Why did that worried expression make me want to comfort him?

            How annoying.

            “It won’t last the whole night,” I told him.   

            He hugged the oxygen tank to his chest as though that eased his worry. “Mkay.”

            Driving in this rain was a pain in the ass, and I wasn’t even the one doing it. Petra still managed to get us to her house in record time, though I was stunned that we were still alive. She drove like a maniac under these conditions.

            When she parked in her driveway, she turned towards us. “Levi, you’re going to have to carry Eren again.”

            Eren gave out a little squeak at that, but I just pulled him onto my lap. The sooner we were inside, the sooner I could get the hell out of these wet clothes.

            Jean pushed open the passenger door and I waited until he was out before I stepped down onto the pavement. Eren kind of curled up in a ball in my arms, which caused the top of his oxygen tank to dig into my chin, but I just ignored it and kept walking to the front door. Thankfully, it was already open when I got there.

            Since I knew he couldn’t walk, I took him into the living room and set him down in front of the fireplace. Then I straightened up and grabbed the back of my shirt to tug it up and over my head. When it was off of me, I instantly felt better. I hated the way wet clothing clung to my skin.

            As I kicked off my shoes, I saw that Eren was staring up at me wide-eyed.

            “What?” I asked. He dropped his gaze immediately, shaking his head from side to side. “You should take off your wet clothes, too. Otherwise you’re going to get damn pneumonia. I have some clothes here that I’ll lend you.” He opened his mouth as if to protest, but I just glared at him until he nodded in agreement.

            Leaving him sitting there, I strode to Petra’s room, where Jean was already half-naked. I ignored him as he tugged off his jeans and went over to the closet to pull down some of the clothes I kept here. I swear I practically lived at Jean and Petra’s houses. It was rare when I actually went home.

            “Toss me a shirt,” Jean said. I grabbed a black Nirvana T-shirt and chucked it in his general direction. “So, what do you think of that kid?”

            “I don’t think anything about him.”

            He folded his arms over his chest, grinning like a moron. “Really? So that whole ‘you look like summertime’ thing was nothing.”

            Fuck. I _knew_ that was going to come back and bite me in the ass.

            I shrugged, appearing bored. “You’re the one that made him look like a lost puppy with that ‘you’ll never see the sun again’ comment.”

            “Why do you care?” He raised an eyebrow, the grin turning into a stupid smirk that lifted the corners of his lips.

            I wanted to punch it off.

            “I don’t care.” Not really.

            “Sure, Levi,” he said, pulling his shirt over his head before he slipped his arms through the sleeves. “I’ve known you since I was in diapers. You can fool yourself about this, but you can’t fool me.”

            “Fool you? Will you just shut the fuck up already. I have no interest in him, so drop it. I’m just trying to be nice for once in my miserable life. I mean, the kid’s in a goddamn wheelchair. I’m cutting him some slack.”

            The smirk widened. “All right, then. See you out in the living room.” He left without another word.

            I stared after him, wondering what in the fuck had just happened. I wasn’t interested in Eren. Of that I was sure. Jean had it all wrong. Eren was just someone new in this shitty town, someone out of the ordinary with insanely pretty eyes. That didn’t mean I was interested in him. In two weeks’ time, I wouldn’t even see him again.

            Pissed off, I slid my jeans down and went into Petra’s bathroom to toss them into the tub. Then I grabbed a towel and dried myself off with it, angrily scrubbing at my hair until it stood up like a bird’s nest. My reflection in the large bathroom mirror stared back at me with furious eyes.

            I wasn’t interested in anyone—especially not someone who lived in this town. Jean was just an idiot. He didn’t know anything.

            Tossing the towel aside, I went back out into Petra’s room to dress in a grey shirt and jeans. I didn’t have too much clothes here, because I usually stayed at Jean’s place, but I managed to find a red T-shirt and plaid pajama pants that would fit Eren.

            I tucked them under my arm as I walked out into the hallway that led to the living room. The scene that greeted me when I reached it was a sight of familiarity. Jean was lounging on the couch with a bowl of soup. Petra was tossing logs into the fireplace, adjusting them with a poker until they lay flat in the grate. The only person out of place was Eren, who was still sitting where I had left him.

            He had taken off his shirt and cannula, a towel wrapped around his lean shoulders. He held it close to his chest, looking defensive. I could see his trembling from where I stood, so I made my way over to him and held out the clothes I had brought.

            “They should fit,” I said.

            He took them from me. “Thank you.” He sounded so small and polite. I couldn’t even bring myself to act cold toward him, not even after what Jean said.

            “Do you need help?” I offered. He wasn’t exactly jumping up to get dressed.        

            “Um.” He worried at his lower lip, tugging the towel closer, as if he could ward off his sudden bout of shyness with the action. “Y-Yes. I mean, if you don’t mind.”

            I rolled my eyes. “I offered, didn’t I?”

            I didn’t wait for him to give me a reply. I hoisted him up to his feet, not at all surprised when he swayed to the side. I wrapped my hands around his arms, steadying him. “Can you walk at all?”

            He smiled sadly, gaze dropping to the floor. “Yeah. I can walk just fine. It’s just impossible to breathe when I do.” He touched his chest, the smile disappearing from his face.

            Okay. No one should be allowed to look that sad. Seriously, it should be against the law.

            “Well,” I said, picking him up with ease, “I’ll be your legs for tonight.”

            The smile reappeared and he giggled. “Thank you, Levi.”

            I ignored Jean’s I-told-you look as I left the living room carrying Eren. I wasn’t doing this out of interest. I was being nice. Despite popular belief, I was capable of being nice every once in a while. Damn.

            “Does it hurt to breathe all the time?” I asked, suddenly curious.

            Eren sighed, replying to my question with a small nod of his head.

            “But you seem so happy.” Why couldn’t I shut up? Usually it took Jean shoving something up my ass (figuratively speaking) to get a sentence out of me, and now I quite literally couldn’t keep my mouth shut.

            “I am happy,” he said with a smile. “Before I moved to Shiganshina, I was always locked away in my house. My dad wouldn’t let me go anywhere alone, since we lived in a big city. He was afraid I’d collapse and no one would be able to get me to a hospital in time. But this town is so small; he doesn’t really have to worry about me here. This is the first time I’ve been able to go to a public school. It makes me feel, I don’t know, normal.”

            While this town was my hell, it was sort of Eren’s promise land: a place where he could roam free without needing to be watched over at all times. I now understood why he couldn’t stop smiling, and why the ocean captivated him.

            “I see,” I said.

            When I was back in Petra’s room, I tossed him onto the bed. He landed on the mattress with an _oof_ , but didn’t look mad—the exact opposite, actually. He laughed, those stunning eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiled broadly at me.

            He was a pretty boy, the only one in this town that could be called that. Everyone else here was plain in comparison and I tacked it up to him being a new face, someone I hadn’t seen since I was a kid. There was nothing else beyond that. I didn’t have to prove that to anyone, let alone Jean. _I_ knew that, and that’s all that mattered.

            To give him some privacy while he undressed, I turned my back to him. I heard him shuffling out of his jeans, and then a soft hum of approval as he slipped on the dry clothes I had provided him with. When he gave me the go ahead to turn back around, I stared at him for a little too long.

            No one else had ever worn my clothes, not even Jean. There was something about my personal items that caused me to keep them that way. I didn’t like anyone touching my stuff, so I couldn’t really understand why seeing Eren in my clothes didn’t bother me. He looked warm wrapped up in my clothing, and I got this weird feeling in my chest, like if I were to wear those clothes again, I’d be warm, too.

            God, was I drunk? Did Coach Smith spike the root beers he handed out, or what? I needed a breath of fresh air, which was impossible in this stupid, near constant rainy weather.

            “Ready?” I asked.

            “Yep.” He held his arms out to me and I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. That was not a reaction he was going to pull out of me—not tonight, not ever.

            After I took him back out to the living room, I put some distance between us. I even left to go into the kitchen, glad that the power wasn’t out. I craved coffee, or any sort of caffeine, and I wouldn’t be able to make myself some if there wasn’t any electricity to work the coffee maker.

            Grabbing a mug down from the cupboard, I turned on the coffee maker and impatiently waited for the coffee to pour into the awaiting pot. As I stared at it, willing it to hurry the fuck up already, I thought about how Eren was probably the only person here with a parent who was concerned about his whereabouts.

            My uncle hadn’t been around in a long while. Kept paying the bills, but never showed his mug around me. Jean’s dad was the town drunk, but ever since the old bar on Queen Road shut down, he spent most of his time in Trost. Like Kenny, he kept paying the bills, but never came around. The same could be said for Petra’s parents. They worked in Trost, so were always there.

            We were a couple of sad kids raising ourselves with the funds provided to us.

            “Hey,” Petra said as she walked into the kitchen. She lifted herself up onto the countertop. “Jean sent me in here to hurry you up. He wants to watch this crappy movie he picked out.”

            “Jean can wait.”

            She grinned. “I know that.” She narrowed her eyes, scrutinizing my face. “You’re acting weird. Are you feeling all right?”

            “I’m dandy.”

            “I figured you’d be happy since you’re leaving in two weeks.” She looked away and I let out a sigh.

            Jean and Petra were still juniors. They had one year left to go before they could escape this town. I was the only senior in our group. They begged me to stay, so we could all leave this shit fest together, but I couldn’t even imagine staying in this town for another year. I wanted out.

            “I’ll have everything ready by the time you guys join me,” I told her in hopes of erasing that sad expression from her face, but it didn’t work. It never did. She felt like I was betraying her, and I suppose, in a way, I was.

            She hopped down from the counter. “Just hurry it along. You know how Jean gets when he’s kept waiting.”

            “He becomes a rabid dog,” I said.

            She laughed, vanishing down the hall.

            With her gone, I let myself relax. I loved Petra and Jean. I really did. They were my family, the only people I cared about, but this town was toxic for me. Every time I went home, I was reminded that the only blood relative I had left in this fucking world willingly left me to fend for myself. He forced me to grow up at a young age, be the adult that provided, because who else was going to step up to the plate?

            I either took care of myself, or no one else would.

            I’d come back for Petra and Jean. I would. I wouldn’t leave them here. They knew that.

            While I was busy fighting a mental war, Eren had walked ( _walked!_ ) into the kitchen. He caught me by surprise and I nearly jumped out of my skin. “Holy shit,” I breathed. “Don’t fucking do that. I thought you couldn’t walk.”

            “I told you”—he heaved in a breath—“I could walk…just…fine.”

            Dumbass. “You also told me it made it almost impossible to breathe, you idiot.” Without thinking, I went over to him and put my hands on his waist to lift him up and sit him on the edge of the counter. “I’m going to go get your oxygen tank.”

            He nodded, breathing raggedly.

            I left the kitchen in a rush, ignoring Petra’s questioning stare when I reached the living room. Why hadn’t they stopped him? Was he in-fucking-visible to them, or what? Shit. They should know that he couldn’t just waltz around. The moron had bad lungs. I thought that was shared knowledge, but apparently not.

            I wanted to yell or scream at them, but just picked up Eren’s oxygen tank and left them staring after me. When I was back in the kitchen, I hurried back over to him and wrapped the cannula (was that what the fuck it was called?) around the backs of his ears. He took a long, shaky breath and I just stared and waited for him to confirm that he wasn’t about to die from lack of oxygen.

            Two minutes later (felt like a year), he said, “I’m good.”

            I narrowed my eyes at him. “Are you mentally deficient? Why did you walk in here?”

            He shrugged, avoiding eye contact. “You seemed upset.”

            “So you tempted fate by taking a stroll?”

            He bit down on his bottom lip and looked close to tears. Shit. I had to go and run my mouth. I hadn’t meant to make him cry. “I miss walking,” he whispered, tears glistening in those goddamn perfect eyes of his. “I’m sorry I troubled you, Levi. I won’t do it again.”

            “You’re not troubling me. I just…” _was worried about you,_ I finished in my head. God, this kid had been an active part of my life for all of ten hours and already I was this shook up over him. What the hell? Was it because of his condition? Or was it because of his innocence? It could be both, for all I knew. “Just get the fuck over here, so I can carry you out to the living room.”

            He took one last deep breath before he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around my neck. It was strange, holding someone. I had made it a point to steer clear of any type of affection (not that that was what this was). I just didn’t want anyone weighing me down, tying me to this town, but that wasn’t what Eren was doing. He couldn’t walk. I was only helping him out. I mean, the kid had almost collapsed for being a total dipshit.

            Still. I had to admit it felt nice. He was as warm as he looked, and he smelt like the ocean breeze, which smelled a lot better on him than it did standing on that beach.

            Back in the living room, I saw that Jean had already started the movie. It didn’t surprise me. He was an impatient shit. What did surprise me was the way him and Petra were looking at me as I set Eren down on the end of the couch. It was like they were seeing me for the first time.

            “What?” I snapped, making Eren jump up a little.

            Petra shook her head softly, a small smile on her face. Jean just snorted and said, “Sit the fuck down. The movie barely started.”

            “Then scoot over, asshole,” I demanded, pushing at his shoulder until he moved aside.

            The movie that he picked was some stupid horror film that had Petra screaming profanities and chucking shit at the TV screen. She was curled up against Jean, who was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He looked intrigued at the scene displaying before us, which was of some dude cutting away at another guy’s face. It was nasty as fuck, but I refused to let out so much as a whimper.

            Unlike me, Eren couldn’t hold in his high-pitched screeches or his gasps whenever the guy with the chainsaw appeared. He had moved closer to me, arms curled up against his chest. Whenever someone in the movie screamed, him and Petra screamed along with them. Then we heard the loud bang of thunder out front, and the house shook, the power cutting out.

            “GOD BLESS!” Petra yelped. “I’m never letting you pick out another movie again, Jean. My heart is racing.”

            Jean laughed long and hard. “It wasn’t even that bad, baby.” From what I could see, which wasn’t much, he was leaning into her. She shoved him back hard enough for him to topple onto my lap. “Damn, baby, I like it rough, but calm down.”

            “Shut up,” she bit out. “I need to sleep. Eren?”

            Eren stirred to life beside me. He had frozen the second the power went out. “Yeah?”

            “Want to stay over?”

            “Sure,” he said. “I don’t want to go outside, anyway.”

            “Who does?” was Jeans snarky remark. I elbowed him in the side.

            “Ow, damn,” he muttered, rubbing the spot. “You and Petra abuse me too much.”

            Petra stood up, a lighter shadow against the darkness. “Don’t pout.” She ruffled his hair. “Come sleep with me. With the power out, it’s going to get cold in here real fast. I swear if you try anything, I will squeeze your dick right off.”

            He stood up to follow her out of the room. “I won’t try anything. Give me some credit. My inner pervert is at rest right now.”

            As they disappeared down the hallway, Eren said, “You guys are really close, huh?”

            “Yeah. We grew up together. Petra and Jean are like my siblings.”

            “That’s nice, to be that close with someone.” He went silent, a curled up ball pressed up against the couch cushions. “Petra didn’t tell me where to sleep.”

            “Her hospitality has gone to shit,” I told him. “I guess we’re not really used to having someone new around. She probably just expects you to make yourself at home.” I knew that’s what she expected. She wanted Eren to feel comfortable enough to do as he pleased in her house, but she was forgetting that Eren hadn’t grown up in this town with the rest of us Shiganshina folks.

            “Mm,” he hummed, laying his head down on his arms. “I’ll just sleep here, then.”

            “I’ll go grab you a blanket, because Petra wasn’t lying when she said it was going to get cold in here real fast.”

            “Mkay.” His eyelids slipped close. “Thanks, Levi.”

            I went into Petra’s bedroom to see that her and Jean were already fast asleep. Like always, he was spread out like it was his mission in life to take over the whole bed. Petra was used to it, though, and had curled up against him, taking in his body heat. As I looked at them, I knew that they were the only people that I would ever need. They meant everything to me. As long as I had them, I would be fine.

            I knew that. They knew that. Leaving this place wouldn’t make a difference.

            With blanket in hand, I walked back out to the living room. Eren was asleep, too. His face relaxed, dark locks of hair falling over his forehead and eyes. He looked like one of those photos that came in picture frames when you bought them, too pretty and perfect to be real. But he was real, laying there breathing unevenly with a tightly fisted hand pressed to his chest, even in sleep.

            I draped the blanket over him, something tightening in my chest when he burrowed under it, a look of bliss on his face. I stared at him for a fraction of a second before I left him lying there alone, because I wasn’t going to get attached to him.

            Not now. Not ever.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi, Levi, Levi. Don't resist the attraction, baby. 
> 
> He's totally going to try to resist, because he's stubborn af. -__-  
> (we all know he's fighting a losing battle)
> 
> Anywho, thank you for the comments and kudos. You guys are my source of inspiration. <3
> 
> P.S. (I'm starting to do these again. Pfft. I haven't done them since my first fic) The chapter summaries are going to be lyrics from different songs I listen to while writing the chapter.


	3. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In weakness or in strength, change can be amazing_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to clarify some things, since we're in the early stages of this fic. This fic will contain both Ereri and Riren. If you don't know what that means, basically Levi will top _and_ bottom. I love this couple. I don't really care who enters who, so please no rude comments. If you don't like it, then please keep it to yourself, as you're not obligated to read this. The reason I'm pointing this out is because I've read fics where Eren tops and some readers will leave harsh, unnecessary comments about it. Let's not go there, okay? Please and thank you.
> 
> With that being said, let's move onto other things. I am trying to be more active on my Tumblr, so if you'd ever like to discuss my works with me, or have any questions, you can reach me [there.](http://warriorflesh.tumblr.com)

Sometime during the night, I had roamed back into the living room in search of warmth. It was still raining out, bolts of lightning streaking through the night sky, bathing the room in white light. For some time, I just sat there in front of the fire, looking out the window to watch the storm from a safe distance.

            I can’t remember when I dozed off, but when I woke up again, Eren was sitting up on the couch with hair that stuck up in every possible direction imaginable. The green blanket I had given him was pooled around his midsection like a nest, covering up his legs, which were now tucked beneath his bottom. All in all, he looked ridiculously cute for someone with terrible bedhead, and I just sort of lay there on the floor and stared at him.

            His face was turned towards the window, giving me a great view of his side profile. He had soft features, but a strong jawline that accentuated his chin and lips. His whole face was kind of mesmerizing to me, and if I had the ability to draw, I would sketch it in light hues, but I couldn’t draw to save my life. Stick figures were my forte.

            As I continued to look at him, he suddenly dropped his eyes in my direction, jumping up a bit when he saw that I was awake. “Hi,” he said in a rush, voice raspy with sleep. “Did the thunder wake you up?”

            “No. Is the storm still going on?” I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes with the heels of my palms.

            “Yeah,” he responded, “but it’s not as bad as it was before.”

            I glanced out the window. It was still pretty dark out. “Damn. I can’t even tell if it’s morning or not.” The sun didn’t do its job until about ten o’clock. That’s when it officially decided to enlighten the people of Shiganshina.

            “I think the power’s back on, if you want to check the time.”

            I stood up, my limbs stiff and sore from the awkward position I had slept in. I raised my arms above my head, my back giving out an audible pop when I leaned to the side. That was the last time I ever slept on the floor.

            A small chuckle from behind me made me look over my shoulder. “What?”

            Eren pointed to my head, a smile on his face. “Your hair is crazy.”

            “ _My_ hair is crazy? Have you seen yours?”

            Absentmindedly, he lifted his hands up to run his fingers through the mess of brown locks. After a while, he gave up with a sigh, dropping his hands into his lap. “Do you think my wheelchair survived the storm?”

            “Who knows,” I told him. “Once it stops raining, I’ll go out and check. As for now, I’m going to go make myself some tea.” I held up a finger before he could ask. “I’ll carry you into the kitchen with me, but don’t make this a habit.”

            He bit down on his bottom lip, attempting to hide a smile that refused to be hidden. “I won’t. I promise.”

            “Cross your heart and hope to die?” I teased, but of course the moron went and drew an X over his heart with his pointer finger. He looked so sincere that I ended up having to cover up a smile with my hand. I pretended to yawn against my fist so the action could look believable, but it still wasn’t very convincing. Eren didn’t seem to notice.

            After I lifted him up into my arms, he asked, “So, you’re graduating this year?”

            “Yeah.”

            He considered this, his eyes narrowing slightly. “Petra said you were leaving town after graduation. Is that true?” As he spoke the words, a strange expression settled on his face. It almost looked expectant. But what could he possibly be expecting from me?

            Eren was still a junior, so he’d be here with Petra and Jean for another year while I was off settling in a new place. He wouldn’t feel trapped like them, though. This town was good for him.

            “It’s true,” I said.

            “Oh.”

            Silence. The arms around my neck loosened, but I didn’t put any attention to it. I kept my gaze trained in front of me, focusing on the thought of tea, and not on the warm body pressing up against mine. Eren was one of the few people I’d met that smelt exceptional in the morning. I realized the scent clinging to the shirt I had lent him was entirely him, his own unique fragrance that made me want to lean forward and smell it on his skin.

            “I don’t really like tea,” Eren stated when we entered the kitchen.

            I was grateful that he had provided me with a distraction from his close proximity.

            “Let me guess: You’re stuck on Juicy Juice?”

            He wrinkled his nose, glaring at me. He couldn’t quite pull off the expression, looking more like an angry chipmunk than anything else. “I’m not five. You’re only one year older than me.”

            “True, but I don’t drink Juicy Juice anymore, or eat Happy Meals at McDonald’s. Do you still get excited about the toy that’s included?”

            “No,” he muttered, sounding defensive. “I don’t even like McDonald’s.” A pout had formed on his lips and I found it incredibly hard not to reach up and brush my thumb over them.

            Would they be as soft as they looked?

            Trying to gather my scattered thoughts, I sat him down on the kitchen island, my hands lingering on his hips. Even through the fabric of my shirt, I could feel the heat of his skin. I had this awful desire to push the material aside, but then the sound of someone else walking into the kitchen snapped me back to reality, and I removed my hands from his waist like the contact was burning me.

            I took several steps back before I turned around. Jean was leaning up against the counter, rubbing at his eyes with bunched up fists. When he dropped them to his sides, he said, “Why the fuck are you guys up at the asscrack of dawn?”

            “You don’t even know what time it is,” I retorted, grateful that he was too tired to take notice in my flustered appearance.

            This is what I get for avoiding any and all sexual contact. I had denied everyone who had ever made any advances, determined to slink out of this town unattached to anyone either than Petra and Jean, because they were on board. They wanted to leave this place just as much as I did, but now someone new was here to screw it all up with his gorgeous eyes and kissable lips. I didn’t even care that there was a dick inside those pajama pants I had let him borrow. It didn’t matter at all that he was very much a guy.

            Wow. Okay. This was too much to take in all at once. Was I having some sexual awakening, or some shit?

            Lord help me.

            “If you’re not going to make coffee,” Jean said, shoving me away from the counter so he could have access to the coffee maker, “I am.”

            “Levi wanted tea,” Eren broke in, drawing my attention back to him.

            His hands were on either side of him, holding onto the edge of the counter as he swung his legs. He looked innocent, pure and untouched. I wondered if anyone had ever kissed him, had ever tasted those lips, or felt the smooth skin hiding beneath my shirt.

            I realized, the second those eyes met mine, that I would love to be the first.

            Jean cleared his throat, pinning me with a knowing look. “Oh, don’t worry Eren, I’ll make your precious Levi some tea. Right, honey?” He patted my cheek, smirking like he knew _exactly_ what I was thinking.

            “I will knee you in the balls,” I told him, trying to sound impassive. It didn’t work.

            “You can’t hurt balls of steel, baby.”

            “That is _not_ the first thing I want to hear in the morning,” Petra said, strolling into the kitchen. Unlike the rest of us, she didn’t look like she had just returned from a night spent in hell. Knowing her, she had already combed her hair and brushed her teeth. “What time do you guys have work today?”

            I regarded her, ignoring the knot that had formed in the pit of my stomach. “Eleven.”

            Since last summer, Jean and I had been working at the auto repair shop owned by Coach Smith. It didn’t pay well, but that’s not why we accepted the job. We wanted to gain experience, learn how it felt to work hard for the money we earned. It also got us out of a lot of trouble with Sheriff Flagon, so there was that, too.

            “I’ll make you guys some breakfast before you head out, then,” Petra said as she gathered up some ingredients from the fridge. “Oh, and Eren, you should probably call your dad since you spent the night here. It’s eight, so you can reach him at work.”

            The look of panic that crossed Eren’s face was laughable up until the point the moron decided it would be a fantastic idea to hop off the island. I was too far to catch him when he stumbled (not that I didn’t try), but Jean had reached out a hand just in time, steadying him as he teetered to the side.

            Once he regained his balance, Jean told him, “Slow down, speed racer. The phone isn’t going anywhere.”

            “Where is the phone, anyway?” Eren asked, eyes darting from left to right.

            Jean pointed to it on the counter. It was the only cell phone we had and we hardly ever used it.

            As Jean handed it to him, I began to make tea with hands that wouldn’t stop shaking. How could someone I had just met unsettle me this way? I decided right then and there that it was best to stay far away from Eren Jaeger. I only had fourteen more days to go before I left this town. That was enough time to get over this sudden rush of sexual attraction toward him.

            Yeah, this was nothing but a minor set back. I’d get over this feeling, and I’d be good to go. I’d leave him behind and never see those pretty eyes again.

            The whole time Petra was cooking up eggs and bacon, I sat alone at the table nursing my drink. Tea was a lot better than coffee. It had a smooth taste that didn’t linger on my tongue. It was also comforting, which was exactly what I needed right now. The raw feeling in my stomach hadn’t gone away. In fact, it intensified every time my eyes found Eren, who was now chatting aimlessly with Petra as she slid scrambled eggs onto a plate.

            When she set said plate in front of me, giving me a look that told me to eat it all up, I sighed and picked up the fork she had set to the side. I wasn’t the least big hungry. My body was white-hot, a searing discomfort that I couldn’t get rid of.

            I knew I was young. Shit, I was only seventeen, but when Jean went through puberty and started humping anything with a heartbeat, I laughed at him for letting his hormones rule his every move. Now, it was my turn. I hadn’t felt anything for anyone in a long time, but this pull I felt toward Eren was foreign, new and terrifying. Especially since he was a guy, and I didn’t know I was gay up until five seconds ago.

            Chewing on a piece of toast, I let my eyes drift to the left, where he was sitting next to Petra. He held a mug to his mouth, face crumpling up when he tasted the tea inside. It was such an innocent reaction that I smiled at him. He didn’t see it, too consumed in the drink to pay any attention to me, too distracted to see that I was quite literally cracking a smile.

            “Fuck,” Jean said. All our eyes darted to him. “I didn’t know the apocalypse was scheduled for today.”

            “Huh?” Petra questioned.

            He pointed to my face. “Levi was just smiling.”

            “Trick of the light,” I murmured.

            He gestured all around us. “What light? It’s dark out.”

            Instead of offering him any type of response, I pushed back in my seat and left the kitchen without a backwards glance. I didn’t stop until I was safely tucked away in Petra’s bathroom. Then I peeled off my clothes and climbed into the tub, turning on the water and focusing all my attention on the cold spray that shot out of the showerhead. It did nothing to quell the heat stirring up inside my body.

            Fuck. Fuck everything.

            I scrubbed myself raw, my hands ghosting over my lower half too often to consider it a lapse of movement. It was tempting to release all these pent up frustrations, but no. I wouldn’t do it. To do that meant to accept that I wanted Eren, and I didn’t. He was just a pretty face, nothing more.

            When I was through with my shower, I dried off and dressed in whatever clothes I could find, which happened to be a too-big black T-shirt and the jeans I’d worn earlier. I didn’t want to go back into the kitchen, so I pulled my shoes on and went outside.

            Everything was wet, my feet sloshing through the mess until I reached Petra’s truck. I looked in the back to see that Eren’s wheelchair was soaked, and I knew that the fabric would warp once dry. Jean’s messenger bag was also ruined.

            Welcome to Shiganshina.

            It was as I was inspecting the damage that Jean came out. “Ready to go?” he asked, striding up to me. “Petra said we could take her truck. Just have to take Eren’s wheelchair out.”

            “Who’s going to take him home?”

            “His dad is coming to pick him up in a little while. Why? Worried about your boyfriend?”

            I gritted my teeth, my jaw clenching painfully. “Shut the fuck up and help me get his wheelchair out.”

            “Someone’s sensitive today, damn,” he said, climbing up into the bed of the truck. “Aw, fuck!” He had spotted his bag. “That’s splendid.”

            “You’re the one who left it back there.”

            “I forgot about it. Well, there’s no use getting pissed off about it now.” He bent down and picked up the wheelchair, shaking it to get off any excess rainwater. When he was through, he eased the wheels over the side of the truck. “Got it?”

            “Yeah,” I said, grabbing the arm rests.

            After I set it down on the sidewalk, I pushed it to the front door. I wanted to leave it there on the porch, to get away from the boy inside as soon as possible, but with a heavy sigh I opened the front door and stepped inside. Petra and Eren were still in the kitchen.

            Good.

            “We’re leaving,” I called out, wheelchair safely deposited in the entryway.

            “See you later,” Petra called back.

            I went to step outside when I heard, “Bye, Levi.” It was Eren, voice small and shy.

            I wanted to ignore him, had every intention to…

            “Bye, Eren,” I said loud enough for him to hear.

            Fuck my life.

           

(x)

 

Being at work was good. It served as a much needed distraction, as did the hunk of metal hovering above me. This old piece of shit car had been here for weeks. It wasn’t owned by a customer, but by the owner himself. Jean and I worked on it whenever business was slow, which was all the time. This town was too small to have an abundance of cars come in.

            I turned my head to regard Jean, who was paging through a Victoria’s Secret catalog. “Hey, fuckface, hand me that wrench beside your leg.”

            He grabbed it without looking. “Here, asswipe.”      

            I took it from him, turning back to the task at hand. “You could help.”

            “Hell no.”

            “I’m going to shove that magazine up your ass.”

            “We both know you’d rather shove something up Eren’s ass.”

            _Clonk._

            I had dropped the wrench on my face, which was now throbbing. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, you asshole!”

            Jean tossed aside the magazine and helped me out from under the car. I sat up, pressed a hand to my face, and glared at him with all the anger I could muster. For once in his goddamn life, he didn’t make a smart-ass remark.

            “Is everything all right in here? I heard a noise.” Coach Smith came into the garage carrying a mug of coffee. He took one look at my face and said, “I think that’s enough for today, boys’. I’m going to close up shop a bit early. No one is coming in.”

            I got to my feet, ready to storm out, when Coach Smith jerked his chin in the direction of his office. “Can I talk to you for a few minutes, Levi?”

            It was the last thing I wanted to do, but he was my boss. It’s not like I could run away.

            I followed him into his office, which was about the size of a cubicle. It contained all of one desk, and a filing cabinet. There was nothing else in here and the walls had been stripped of anything that had been tacked up to them. After his wife died, Coach Smith took down anything and everything that reminded him of her. Since that day, he always looked tired, like he hadn’t been able to sleep since her passing.

            Mrs. Smith had been nice. It was her that convinced Erwin to hire Jean and me, said we were good kids that needed to be shown how things were done. I liked her. She was always very kind to us, bringing us dinner and sliding us some extra cash whenever Coach wasn’t looking.

            It was a sad day when she passed away.

            “Sit,” Coach Smith said, gesturing to a seat in front of his desk. After I sat down, he went on with, “Graduation is right around the corner.”

            “I know.”

            “Still planning on leaving Shiganshina?”

            “Yes.”

            He set his mug down on the desktop. “I know I can’t change your mind about this, so I recently opened up a bank account in your name.”

            I shook my head. “No, Coach—”

            “It was her idea,” he said, waving me off. “She had a soft spot for you, and it’s not like I’ll miss the money. There’s nothing you can do to convince me otherwise, so just do us both a favor and accept it.”

            I wanted to argue with him, but decided against it. He looked a lot worse today. “Okay. I accept it, then. Thank you.”

            “It’s no problem. Despite what you may think, I care for you just as much as she did. She saw something good in you, Levi, even after all the trouble you caused in this town. I couldn’t see what she saw for the longest time, but after a year of working with you, I finally do.”

            This conversation was getting far too sentimental for me. “Uh…thanks, Coach.”

            He smiled. “Oh, all right. I can see that I’m making you uncomfortable, so I’ll let you go. But first”—he pulled open the top drawer of his desk, fishing out his car keys. He tossed them to me—“go fill up my car.”

            “But I thought you just did.” I raised my eyes to his, confused.

            The smile widened. “Consider it a graduation present. Go drive it around for the night. Have fun with Jean and Petra.”

            “You’re kidding me right now, right?” His car was a 1959 Mercedes-Benz 190SL convertible. You didn’t just let stupid kids like Jean and me drive it around town. You didn’t let _anyone_ drive it around.

            “No, I’m being serious. Go on. I trust you not to crash it. Take it out to Gayle’s Peak, for all I care.”

            “People go to Gayle’s Peak to make out.”

            He shot me a look. “I don’t want to know what you kids do these days, just go already and have the car back by tonight.”

            With an excited expression I couldn’t compose, I thanked him and headed out back, where his car was parked. It looked pristine and nice as hell sitting there. I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to drive it. Someone needed to pinch me to convince me that this was real.

            Jean had followed me out, and when he saw what I was holding, his mouth dropped open. “No?” he said. I nodded. “Seriously?” Another nod. “YES! Let’s go pick up Petra. Hurry up.”

            “Be careful,” I instructed as I opened up the driver’s side door with reverence. We both slipped inside at the same time. Once I was settled in and comfortable, I said, “I think I just got a boner.”

            “Me too.”

            We exchanged glances, grinning like complete morons. Then I started up the engine, and the grins turned into full-fledged smiles. I slid the top back, put the car in drive, and drove off towards Petra’s house. The whole ride was spent bantering like fools. I couldn’t even image how we must’ve looked: two dumb kids in red work shirts driving around in a classic car.

            Twenty minutes later, we pulled up in front of Petra’s house and Jean wasted no time in leaning over me to honk the horn several times. When Petra’s front door flew open, he held his arms out wide, showing off the vehicle we were currently in. She stared for all of five seconds before she rushed to meet us, a smile just as big as ours plastered on her face.

            “Is this Coach Smith’s car?” she asked while Jean lifted her up into the car. “Oh, my god! It is! How did you guys manage to convince him to let you drive it? Wait, you guys didn’t steal it, did you?”

            “No,” Jean said, joining her in the back.

            “Graduation present,” I told her. “Get to drive it around for the night.”

            She laughed, throwing her arm over Jean’s shoulders. “Well, where are we going?”

            I tapped my fingers on the white steering wheel, chewing on my bottom lip, because the only image I could conjure up was one of brilliant green eyes. But I wasn’t about to confess that I wanted to invite Eren, not even to myself. He was probably sitting at home right now, wasting away a Saturday night. It didn’t matter. We weren’t friends, and we weren’t going to be.

            So why couldn’t I get his stupid face out of my head?

            “Want to invite Eren?” Petra asked as if she read my mind. “He doesn’t have any friends, and I bet he’s lonely right now. He told me this morning that last night was his first time hanging out with that many people.”

            Jean mulled this over. “C’mon, Levi. _I_ even feel bad for the kid, and don’t act like you don’t want to spend the night with him. He is your personal summertime and all.”

            “Shut your damn mouth,” I said. “I don’t like him.” I didn’t. I refused.

            “Whatever. Just go pick him up.”

            Without saying a word, I began the drive to Dr. Jaeger’s house. My stomach wouldn’t settle down, twisting and turning like it wanted me to realize something, but there was nothing to realize. My palms _weren’t_ sweaty. My heart _wasn’t_ racing. And I definitely _wasn’t_ looking forward to seeing that stupid face.

            As soon as I pulled up to his house, my stomach was alight with annoyance (butterflies). I scowled at nothing in particular, and didn’t acknowledge Petra as she climbed out of the car to run up to his front door. I kept my gaze locked on the steering wheel, ignoring the telltale sound of his wheelchair being pushed down the driveway some minutes later.

            When the passenger door was opened, I turned my head to see Petra helping him into the seat.

            “Hi, Levi!” he said when he noticed me looking. Then his eyes widened a bit, eyebrows knitting together. “What happened to your face?” He reached out, but quickly dropped his hand to his side.

            “It’s nothing,” I explained.

            He had changed into a blue baseball tee and jeans, but I saw that he had washed my navy-blue jacket and was wearing it over his clothes. I stared at it for a long while, considered pointing it out to him, but couldn’t utter a word of defiance, because I liked that he was wearing it.

            I think I liked it a little too much.

            I huffed, infuriated with myself. What the hell was wrong with me?

            “I’m surprised you didn’t ask me to carry you in here,” I said, sounding bitter.

            “I crossed my heart, remember?” He repeated the action, drawing an X over his heart.

            “You could’ve asked Jean.”

            At that, said horse-face leaned in between the front seats. “Oh, but I think he likes you best, Levi. Isn’t that right, Eren?”

            I expected Eren to stutter out some stupid excuse, or downright deny it, but instead he blushed crimson and began to toy with the strap of his film camera, which was slung around his neck. After a while of Jean staring at him expectantly, he mumbled, “Um”—he gave me a sideways glance, eyes boring into mine—“I like Levi best, yeah.”

            Well, I was officially fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you guys have probably noticed, Jean says "baby" a lot. But I'm going to let you in on a little secret: He only calls people he's very close to baby. Thus far, he has only ever called Levi and Petra by the name. So, we'll see if he ever calls anyone else baby. :)
> 
> Also, Levi is such a stubborn ass, omg. But he's falling, and fast. As we all knew he would. ❤
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos. I apologize if I couldn't respond to your comment. Lately, I've been having a hard time logging into my AO3 account.


	4. Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I think that possibly, maybe, I'm falling for you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There comes a time in every story when you reach a point where things are finally going to take off. I have reached it. Yes! I am excited, because now everything is going to start.
> 
> Before I forget, this story was stolen and put on Wattpad without my permission. Please note that _none_ of my stories are on Wattpad, or any other site. If you ever come across one, please let me know. I think that's the worst thing anyone can do to me, because I take so much pride in my writing, and for someone to steal it and claim it as their own is just heart breaking. Please don't do that. I will not hesitate to file a copyright notice, because even though this is a fan fiction, it is still my work. 
> 
> Anyway, let's not get too into that, so go on and read. :)

It only took a few minutes of driving around to come to the conclusion that Eren was too much of a distraction for me, and he wasn’t even doing anything special, just leaning out the window to take pictures with that hunk of metal he called a camera. The car was filled with nothing but soft clicking noises that happened every time he snapped a photo. It shouldn’t have been so distracting. It should have been easy to keep my eyes on the road, but whenever he leaned forward, his shirt rode up on his back, revealing smooth, tan skin that had me wanting to reach out and touch him.

            Shit. I was gay. I was _so_ gay. I might as well accept it now.

            “So,” Jean said while leaning forward to gaze at me, “where are we going, wandering eyes?”

            I shot him a glare that I hoped would kill him on the spot, but he still sat there with that stupid smirk on his face. “I don’t know. It’s not like there are a lot of options.”

            “We could always go up to Gayle’s Peak.”

            “Why? People only go there to lose their virginity.”

            Jean narrowed his eyes in a way that made me regret saying anything about virginity. “Oh,” he said, “I think everyone in this car knows you want to lose your virginity.”

            Eren’s head snapped in my direction and I wanted to throw Jean out of the car, maybe even run him over in the process. In fact, that sounded like a grand idea— _anything_ to make him shut his mouth for longer than two seconds at a time, because he was determined to ruin my life.

            “I will kill you,” I mouthed to him, squeezing the steering wheel with brutal force.

            Jean ignored me to turn to Eren. “Why do you look so surprised? Didn’t think he was a virgin?”

            “Well, uh, no,” Eren admitted. “I mean, he’s really…” he trailed off, hiding his face in his hands.

            “He’s really what?” Jean prompted.

            “Good looking.”

            “You hear that, Levi?” Jean said, nudging my arm with his elbow. “Eren thinks you’re really good looking.”

            Jesus, take the wheel, because I was going to crash this car. An avalanche of butterflies had taken up residence in my stomach because of that simple comment. I swear my insides felt like molten jelly, which made me sure that I was sporting flushed cheeks, and that in itself was too embarrassing to handle.

            “Let’s just go to Gayle’s Peak,” I muttered, and then added in a whisper, “No one will be able to find your body there.”

            Jean laughed at that, but I couldn’t even focus on him. Eren hadn’t stopped staring at me. He had this strange look on his face, and I wanted to know what he was thinking, but at the same time, I didn’t want to know at all. I should’ve taken my own advice and stayed far away from him, but it seemed that I wasn’t even capable of doing that. That plan had lasted for all of six hours, and I wondered if I could stay away from him for the next fourteen days.

            After a while of being out on the open road, I calmed down some. I kept telling myself that none of this mattered. Once I was gone, I’d forget all about Eren. Maybe I’d even find someone else in whatever city I settled in, but when he turned to face me in his seat, I realized that I would never find someone like him.

            With a look of hesitation, he reached out and brushed the spot on my forehead that was now bruised. “Does it hurt?”

            “No,” I said. It didn’t hurt at all when he was touching me.

            “How did it happen?” He kept his fingers pressed to my skin, which felt nice. He was warm.

            “I dropped a wrench on my face.”

            He slid his fingertips down the bridge of my nose, over my cheekbone, and down the side of my face until he was cupping my jaw. “That must’ve hurt.”

            “Mm, it did.” I leaned into his touch unconsciously, wanting to prolong the contact. I didn’t know that something as simple as this could make me feel alive with want. Not want for anything sexual, but want for affection. I wanted to close the space between us, to run my fingers through his hair, and press my hands to his skin. I wanted to do all these small things with him, a boy I hardly knew, and that terrified me, because I had never wanted to do these things with anyone.

            But, then again, you couldn’t choose who you fell for.

            Was that what this was? Was I falling for Eren?

            While I was thinking all this over, Jean stood up in the back, grabbing onto the driver’s seat to keep himself steady. Suddenly he spread his arms out and Petra said, “Don’t do it.”

            He threw his head back dramatically and shouted, “I’M THE KING OF THE WOOORRRLD!”

            Eren laughed in this terribly adorable way and looked back at him. “Are you impersonating Jack from Titanic?”

            “He is,” Petra confirmed with a roll of her eyes, but she was smiling.

            Jean didn’t put attention to any of us, just pulled his hands in to run them down his chest with this dumbass look on his face. “Jack, I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.”

            “Wearing this,” Eren added, holding up an imaginary necklace.

            “Wearing only this,” Petra finished.

            Oh my fucking god. Was I actually friends with these people?

            “I don’t know any of you,” I declared. “We’re not friends.”

            Eren brushed the pad of his thumb over my lips, catching me by surprise. “But you’re smiling.”

            “I am not.” I ran my hand down my face, determined to hide whatever smile might be lurking there.

            “You are too,” he said, yanking my hand away from my mouth. “See? There it is. It’s small, but it’s definitely there.” He poked my cheek, where I had a dimple. “And that is super cute.”

            I groaned, because there were those damn butterflies again. I thought he was shy. Where was all this confidence coming from?

            “You think my dimple is cute?” I hated it.

            “I do. It’s kind of unfair how cute it is.”

            I was _not_ prepared for that response. I was so unprepared, as a matter of fact, that I literally drove off the side of the road. The car bounced as I maneuvered it over clumpy dirt, and when I managed to pull myself together enough to slam my foot down on the brakes, we jerked to a stop. All of us stayed quiet as a cloud of dust enveloped us.

            After a long stretch of time, Jean said, “Wow. Just wow.” Then he burst out laughing.

            Petra began to chuckle next to him, and then Eren decided to join in the party. Soon their laughter was all I could hear. While they were enjoying my embarrassment, I was aggressively praying for the ground to open up and swallow me whole, because how had I just done that? How did I lose complete control of myself?

            “Oh, Levi,” Petra said past a fit of giggles. “You’re too cute.”

            “Petra,” I groaned, “you’re not helping.”

            “Do you want me to drive for a bit?”

            I answered her by pushing the driver’s side door open. As I stepped out, I told myself that what had just happened wasn’t a big deal. It could happen to anyone. Of course it was embarrassing, but by tonight, no one would remember it. Okay. That was a lie. Jean would remember it for the rest of his days, and would remind me of this event until I was old and grey.

            Climbing into the backseat, I claimed a corner and didn’t say anything. I kept my head turned to the right until Jean and Eren switched places without exchanging a word, like it was obvious that Eren belonged back here with me, which wasn’t the case. We didn’t belong with each other. We belonged far apart, because whenever he was near me, I couldn’t think straight. Especially when he sat this close to me.

            I tried to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat, but that was impossible at this point. It felt like I couldn’t breathe properly, and I wanted someone to come and punch me in the face, because I sure as hell needed it right now.

            Petra eased the car back onto the main road and turned on the radio I had neglected. A soft melody filled the small space we occupied, drowning out my heavy breathing, Eren’s heavy breathing. For a minute, I wondered if he was breathing like that due to his problematic lungs, or if he was just as nervous as I was. Earlier he had acted so confident, touching me without any restraint, now he couldn’t even look at me without averting his gaze the second our eyes met.

            When Jean and Petra began to talk about some math assignment they had to turn in the following week, Eren leaned down to pick up a notebook that had been left under the front seat. He pulled out the pen that was tucked in the spiral and flipped to a blank page. I didn’t say a thing as he put pen to paper. I just watched, entranced by how in a matter of minutes he had drawn a rough sketch of my face.

            “Holy shit,” I said.

            He giggled in that cute way that made my stomach flip flop. “It’s nothing, really. I just have way too much time on my hands.”

            “That’s not nothing. Do you want to see how I draw? I’d ruin your eyesight.”

            “I doubt that,” he said with a little laugh. “What are your hobbies?”

            I shrugged. “I work on cars. That’s it. I’m not good at anything.”

            “I don’t believe that.”

            “He knits,” Jean lied. “Knits up nice big sweaters for me every Christmas. I have a collection of them.”

            I glared at him. “Oh, yeah. That’s definitely what I do on my spare time: knit sweaters for your dumbass.”

            Eren eyed me. “What do you do, then? Seriously. I want to know.”

            I didn’t do much. I spent most of my time working, saving up money to leave this town. I sure as hell didn’t take pictures, or draw pretty little sketches. I wasn’t special or talented in any way, and maybe this was the information I needed to provide him with so that he could lose that spark in his eyes every time he looked at me.

            “I just go to school and work,” I told him with a shrug.

            Jean snorted. “Don’t be so modest, Levi. Why don’t you tell him about your skills as a fighter?” He turned around to look at us. “I mean, he could have you on your ass in one second flat.”

            “Is that true?” Eren asked.

            “It’s not something to be proud of,” I said.

            “I think it is.” Eren pushed up the sleeve of his (my) jacket. “Do you see this arm? There is no muscle there. I can’t even throw a punch.”

            All I noticed about his arm was that it was just as deliciously tanned as the rest of his body. “Have you ever needed to throw a punch?”

            “You’d be surprised,” he said. “I’ve been cornered before. People see me as an easy target, someone who they can mug without any problems.”

            “And?” Jean asked. “ _Do_ you cause problems?”

            “Somewhat. I can’t do much before I run out of breath.” He dropped his eyes, looking ashamed of himself, but that was bullshit, because it wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t take down the people who jumped him.

            “I’ll teach you how to throw a punch,” I offered. “And if anyone hassles you here, I’ll beat their asses up.”

            Petra turned onto the narrow dirt road that winded up the mountain to Gayle’s Peak. “No one will mess with you now, Eren. Levi’s pretty scary when he’s mad.”

            “Really?” Eren scrutinized my face, like he was going to see something malicious there. I just stared back at him. His eyes looked amazing reflecting back the orange light of the late afternoon. “I admit that when I first saw you, I thought you looked very intimidating, but you’ve been nothing but nice to me.”

            Jean laughed and I could practically hear the words leave his mouth before they actually did. “That’s because he thinks you’re hot.”

            It was decided. I was going to kill him. I was going to choke him so he would never speak again.

            “That's not true, is it?” Eren asked. He sounded hopeful.

            Why had we invited him again? For him to kill me slowly with all these emotions I couldn’t handle?

            “No,” I blurted out too fast. “No, absolutely not.”

            His face fell, and for a second I wanted to take it back, to tell him that I thought he was beautiful, but I had to come to terms with this before I could do that. So I stayed quiet, didn’t utter a word, and soon the silence wrapped itself around us like a heavy blanket.

            “We’re here,” Petra announced, parking in front of a railing that overlooked a dense forest. The tops of the pine trees were illuminated by the pale moonlight and even I had to admit that the view was nice. “It’s freezing out, and you two didn’t bring jackets.”

            My jacket was currently warming up the boy who grinned mischievously when he noticed me looking at him.

            Jean threw open his door. “It’s time to raid the sex box.”

            “The what?” Eren asked.

            I rolled my eyes. “A lot of teens come up here to have sex, and sometimes they don’t have the things that it takes to do the deed, so Connie, being the perverted moron that he is, started up this sex box thing.”

            “Don’t have a condom?” Jean intoned. “Have no worries, my friend, the sex box is here. Don’t have lube? Don’t fret. Go check the sex box.”

            “Oh my god.” Eren laughed. “What else is in there?”

            Jean stepped out of the car. “Once, I found a pair of sweatpants in there. You know, just in case you jizz in your pants and need to step out of those sticky jeans before you head on home.”

            “But why are you going to look in it now?”

            “Because some people stash stuff in there for virgins like us. You know: blankets, pillows, a note that says ‘stick your dick in the nearest person and do it quickly’.” He looked at me. “In this case, you get Levi, Eren.” Eren opened his mouth, shut it, and then opened it one more time, but still didn’t say anything. He was speechless. “Levi, my good man, won’t you join me?”

            I flipped him off, but hopped out of the car. We ambled toward the sex box, which was hidden in the center of five boulders, like it was some God sent prize to those that accidentally stumbled upon it. Only us high school kids knew where it was, but some adults had found it before, tossing it into the garbage as though its contents were downright atrocious.

            “You do realize I’m going to kill you,” I said as we walked. 

            Jean shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans with a smile. “Only if you realize that I’m trying to help you out, because you’re too damn stubborn to do it yourself.”

            “I’m not into him, so cut it out already.”

            “And the sky isn’t blue. Will you shut the fuck up and realize that you’re gay for him already? Why does that bother you so much? Is it because you’re leaving soon?”

            I kicked at a clump of dirt on the path. “Yes, and, I don’t know, it’s not like he likes me or anything.” What was there to like about me?

            Jean stopped in his tracks. “Are you blind?”

            “Plus,” I went on, ignoring him, “I’ve never dated anyone before. I never thought I’d date a guy. I don’t even know how that works.”

            “It works the same way it would if you were to date a girl. You like each other, you go out on dates, you hold hands, you kiss, and eventually you get down to the nitty-gritty. Stop letting the fact that he’s a guy scare you off. You’ve never been into anyone before. Now he’s here, and you _like_ him.”

            I sighed, because I wish it were that easy. It wasn’t. I still wanted to leave this place. I didn’t want to be stuck here anymore, and if I stayed just because I had feelings for Eren and things didn’t work out, then what would be the point? I had waited for this moment for too long to give it up now.

            “Give it a shot,” Jean said, stepping in between the first two boulders. “If you guys hit it off, then ask him out. If you don’t, then leave like you were planning on leaving.” He went quiet and I could hear him rummaging through the box. “All hail the sex box! There are blankets in here.” He came out carrying two fleece blankets.

            I took one from him. “Let me guess: You’re expecting me to share this with Eren?”

            “Hell yeah, baby. Snuggle the fuck up. Put yourself out there.”

            “You’re a lot more enthusiastic about this then I thought you would be.”

            “Why? ‘Cause he’s a guy?” I nodded. He snorted. “Shut up. I’m not homophobic. I don’t care where you stick your dick.”

            And that was that. He didn’t say anything more on the matter.

            We didn’t talk as we walked back to the car, and when we reached it, I saw that Petra and Eren were sitting on the hood. Eren had his head tilted back, a look of wonder on his face, but when he spotted us coming, he kept his eyes on me. I thought about what Jean had said, and I didn’t know if I was ready to put myself out there. I didn’t know if I was ready for any of this.

            I climbed onto the hood and draped the blanket over Eren’s shoulders. He looked down at it, grabbed one end, and tossed it over me. As it settled onto my shoulders, his arm pressed against mine. Like always, he was warm and smelt unbelievably good. Maybe I could give this a shot. What harm could come of it?

            “This is amazing,” Eren said. “I used to live in a big city, so I could never see the stars because of all the streetlights, but here, I can see them all so clearly. It’s beautiful.”

            Petra leaned her head on Jean’s shoulder. “We have this tradition. It started when we were kids. If we see a shooting star, we have to hold hands and make a wish.”

            “Are you still on that?” Jean asked.

            She nodded. “Yes, so if we see a shooting star, you better take my hand.”

            “Yes, ma’am.”

            We went quiet, enjoying the view in silence. I hadn’t been out to Gayle’s Peak in years. There wasn’t really a point in coming out here. There were always kids up here banging the night away, but tonight we were alone, just us and the stars.

            While I was lost in thought, Eren had moved closer to me. He was still looking up at the night sky, but it was like he wasn’t really seeing it at all. He had this determined expression on his face, and I couldn’t figure out why. What was he thinking about? And why was I so nervous all of a sudden?

            Leaning forward, I placed my hands on my knees, trying to clear my mind of the thoughts that were clouding my judgment. I didn’t know how to cope with these feelings. They were everywhere at once, making my heart beat erratically in my chest. My skin was hot, tingly, and I just wanted everything to stop for five minutes so I could breath evenly again.

            “Let’s play Truth or Dare,” Jean said, interrupting the silence.

            “No,” I muttered right away, because I knew what that sneaky bastard was up to.

            “Petra, I’ll start with you,” he exclaimed, completely ignoring me. “Truth or dare?”

            She thought this over. “Truth.”

            “What color is your underwear?”

            She smacked him on the arm. “Jean, be serious.”

            “I’m being _so_ serious. I don’t even think you realize how serious I am right now.”

            “God, Jean, I thought this was going to be fun. Now you went and ruined it with your perverted ways.”

            While they argued, Eren turned to me and my stomach plummeted in that horrible way that made me want to squirm around. “Truth or dare, Levi?”

            No.     

            “Truth.” Why did I say that? Why didn’t I say dare? I should’ve just kept quiet.

            Shit. Shit. Shit.

            “Have you ever had a crush on anyone here?”

            I wanted to lie. I didn’t want him to know that what I felt for him may be considered a crush, but I wasn’t even sure if that’s what it was. How could I be sure? I knew so little about him, and yet I got these strange urges that made no sense to me. For instance, I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to know everything about him. But I didn’t just want to be his friend, like I was with Jean. That didn’t seem like enough.

            Fuck. If this wasn’t a crush, then I didn’t know what was.

            “Maybe,” I said. “Your turn: truth or dare?”

            “Truth.”

            “Have _you_ ever had a crush on anyone here?” How unoriginal and obvious, but I desperately wanted to know. But what if he gave me the same half ass answer I had given him?

            He turned his head away from me, and for a minute I thought he wasn’t going to answer me, but I should’ve known better. Eren always surprised me with his sudden bravery, so it shouldn’t have shocked me when he said, “Yes, I _have_ a crush on someone here.”

            But shock me it did, and I just sat there with an open mouth. Shit. I probably looked like an idiot, but I couldn’t compose myself, and it only got worse when he turned and observed my reaction.

            He smiled at me, lightly touching my cheek with his hand. “Who do you think it is?”

            God, stop. My heart was going to give out.

            “I-I don’t know,” I said. I felt like I was five all over again, and a gorgeous person had stopped and smiled at me. And of course, being five, I reacted in a childish way: blushed, stuttered, and peeked at the gorgeous stranger to see if they were still looking at me. But I _wasn’t_ five. I was seventeen, but that was my exact reaction.

            “Look,” shouted Petra. “It’s a shooting star. Quick. Hold hands.”

            Since I was sitting on the end, I only had to hold Eren’s hand. He slipped it into mine, smiling, and I swear I was going to combust.

            “On the count of three,” Petra instructed. “One, two, three…”

            I held my breath, not knowing what to wish for, but then Eren interlaced our fingers and I made the only wish I wanted to come true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, guys! Here we go.
> 
> Writing in Levi's POV is fun, because his thoughts are everywhere. Whenever I wrote in Eren's POV, he was really straight forward, but Levi is not haha. I'm having a lot of fun adapting to his (this specific Levi that I have created) personality.
> 
> Oh, and fyi, Eren might be shy, but we all know he fights for what he wants and…he wants Levi. ;)
> 
> As always, thank you for the kudos and comments. <3


	5. Let's Give This a Shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprised at how much feedback I've received on this fic already. It caught me off guard, because this is the one fic that I've written that I've thrown caution into the wind. I'm writing for myself, and it feels incredible, so I'm glad you guys are enjoying it as much as I am. :)

Seven days until I was supposed to leave Shiganshina. Every day had been marked off the calendar with high hopes for the future. No longer would I be restrained to this town. I would be free to do as I please, to go where no one knew my name. I had been looking forward to this for so long, the light in the distance that allowed me to crawl forward through the darkness. That was until I met Eren. Now, every time I thought about leaving, I thought about how I would never see him again, or see that brilliant smile of his, or those enrapturing eyes. How could I leave?

            How could I stay?

            I had answers to neither question.

            I sat in the school library next to Jean, who was pretending to work on an assignment Ms. Brzenska had given us at the beginning of class. Even though there was only one week left of school, she never cut us any slack. Her motto was: Breaks don’t exist on the path to success. Basically, she was the one high school teacher you couldn’t wait to be rid of.

            As Jean mumbled something under his breath, I let my eyes wander toward the boy whose head was bent over a small red book. Eren had pressed the back of his wheelchair against the largest bookcase in the library. He was sitting in plain sight, yet I was the only one who looked his way. I watched his expression change as he read. One moment he looked intense, thoughtful, and the next he would smile and give his head a little shake.

            I liked everything about him, which made me groan in defeat and drop my head onto my folded arms, because I didn’t know what to do. Since the night spent at Gayle’s Peak, I had tested the waters. I had attempted (and failed) to flirt with him, which forced me to see that I sucked at it. Whenever he looked at me with those damn gorgeous eyes of his, I became speechless mush. I couldn’t think at all. My brain more or less clocked out for the day, and said, “Heh, sorry man, you’re on your own.”

            Stupid, useless brain.

            “Eren is looking at you,” Jean said.

            The second my head whipped up, Eren’s shot down. It had been like this for the last couple of days. We were tiptoeing around each other, because we didn’t know how to go about this. Petra had told me that he was hesitant to initiate anything because I was leaving town, so he didn’t want to put himself out there to just be rejected. At first, I was grateful for this, but now, I wasn’t so sure. I wasn’t sure about anything anymore.

            Jean elbowed me. “Go talk to him.”

            “I don’t know how to talk to him,” I confessed.

            “Ask him if he’s going with us this weekend.”

            At the end of every school year, Coach Smith threw something for the graduating class. Usually he did it in town, but since I was leaving Shiganshina after this school year was up, he decided to take us all into Trost, let us roam the city under his supervision as a farewell gift to me.

            “He’s probably not,” I said. “His dad is strict about this shit.”

            “You missed the whole point. What you were supposed to do is go over there and use that to strike up a conversation with him. So, get going.” He shoved me out of my seat, and I stumbled to the side before I regained my balance. I gave him a look, but he just waved me forward.

            For one miserable moment, I forgot how to walk, and then the cogs in my brain began to work again and my legs reanimated ( _Oh, that’s how it’s done. Yes, I remember now_ ). I couldn’t take my eyes off of Eren as I approached him. He was still looking down at the book he was holding, but I could tell by the small grin on his face that he wasn’t reading anymore. What was he expecting me to say? What did he _want_ me to say?

            When I was standing in front of him, I said, “Hey, Eren.” Even saying his name made something inside me come alive, every nerve ending in my body waking up.

            “Hi, Levi,” he responded, casually closing his book. “Are you in here because your teacher doesn’t know what else to do for class, too?”

            I shook my head. “No. We have an assignment due by the end of the day, and we needed to use the computers.”

            “Really?” He set the book down on his lap, splaying his fingers over the cover. “Blow it off.”

            “I already finished it.”

            He raised an eyebrow, looking somewhat shocked. “You’re a lot different than I thought you’d be.”

            “Disappointed?”

            “Not at all,” he said, looking up at me with eyes that were framed by incredibly long lashes. “I’m just surprised, but definitely not disappointed.” An emotion I couldn’t identify flashed across his face for half a second, but the mere sight of it made my knees weak.

            Damn. Where was a chair when you needed one? My legs were jelly.

            “So,” I began, my voice gruff, “are you going to Trost this weekend?”

            “I am, actually.”

            What? _What?_

            I thought I’d have the whole weekend to myself. Two days to sort through these feelings, to try to understand them, but now he was coming along and I wouldn’t get the space I needed. He’d be there with his heart-shattering smile and his sudden unyielding confidence that tore at my soul, because I couldn’t handle it when he directed his attention at me. It was too much. It wasn’t nearly enough. I wanted more.

            _Shit!_

            “Petra convinced my dad,” Eren said, unaware of my inner conflict. “She had Coach Smith call him and they went over what to do in case of an emergency. After that, my dad was all right with it. He’s still worried, of course, but I know nothing bad is going to happen. I’m not that fragile.”

            “Yeah.”

            He put the book back on the shelf, turning his wheelchair so that he was facing me. “Um, Levi?”

            “Yes?”

            “It doesn’t bother you that I’m going, right?” he asked. “It’s just that you’ve been acting strange around me since last weekend, and I think it’s because of how I was behaving the night we went to Gayle’s Peak. I’m really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable in any way. I promise I won’t do it again. I’m just—sorry.” He went quiet, dropping his eyes to look at his hands in his lap.

            Without any thought or control of my body, I leaned down and slipped my fingertips beneath his chin, tilting his head back so I could look him in the eyes. “I didn’t mind the way you acted that night.”

            He licked his bottom lip, a dark shade of pink spreading across his cheeks. He opened his mouth to say something, leaning closer, his scent wrapping around me, making my head go fuzzy…

            “Mr. Ackerman,” Ms. Brzenska called from behind me. I turned around in a hurry, seeing her standing a few feet away from us with her hands on her hips. She eyed me over the rim of her glasses. “I don’t recall the assignment requiring anyone to chitchat amongst friends.”

            “But I’m done,” I said without thinking.

            Her eyebrow twitched. “Mr. Ackerman, return to your seat.”

            “All right.” I turned back to Eren. “Petra’s taking you home today, isn’t she?” He nodded. “Meet me by the cafeteria after your sixth period, then.”

            “Okay,” he said, smiling.

            Someone hollered, “You go, Levi,” (it sounded like Connie) but it was nothing but white noise in the background, because all my attention was on Eren, who had this dreamy look in his eyes.

            I think I was going to take Jean’s advice, and give this a shot, because I wanted Eren in every possible way.

 

(x)

 

When the final release bell rang, I was up on my feet and out of the classroom before anyone else. I rushed down the wide hallway that led to the front double doors, and ignored any questioning looks that were thrown my way. The people around me were nothing but grey blobs in my peripheral vision, as was the overcast sky, and the red brick building I passed. Nothing was vibrant or eye-catching until I spotted Eren waiting in front of the cafeteria, a bundle of rich, warm colors that had gathered together to form him.

            He was all wrapped up in an army green coat that was too big for him, the sleeves covering up his hands, which were nestled in his lap. All I could see past the heavy material of the coat were his pink cheeks and even pinker nose that had been nipped at by the cold wind. His hair was nothing more then a clump of brown on top of his head, framing his slender face and bringing out the many different hues of green in his eyes. He looked like a painting, and in that moment, I desperately wanted to touch him, to make sure that he was there in front of me, that he was real and not a figment of my imagination.

            “It’s May,” he said with a pout when he saw me, completely oblivious to the way he made me feel. “How can it be so cold?”

            I walked up to his wheelchair, the need to touch him still pulsing through my veins. “Want to go inside and wait for Petra? She usually helps out in the office after school. I could sneak us some coffee.”

            “I vote for coffee,” he boomed. “Let’s go.” He didn’t move. Then he glanced up at me with a sheepish grin. “Levi, um, do you think you could push me? My hands are too cold.”

            I grabbed hold of the handgrips and turned him around before I started to push him forward. We went back into the building, where it was slightly warmer than it was outside. Everyone we passed in the hallway stared at us like we had something written on our foreheads in bold letters. I ignored them all, but I could tell that Eren was feeling a little put out by this sudden attention.

            “Ignore them,” I said loud enough for Annie, Reiner, and Bertolt to hear. They were hanging out in front of the office, keeping their eyes on us. “They have nothing better to do with their lives.”

            Annie didn’t react to my words. Reiner laughed a bit. Bertolt turned his head away immediately.

            Pushing open the door that had OFFICE stamped across the front of it, I wheeled Eren into the medium-sized room, smelling the sweet aroma of brewing coffee. Eren tilted his head back, sniffing the air like he was some damn dog. If he were anyone else, I would’ve call him out on this, but it _was_ him, and when he turned his head to smile at me like receiving coffee was the best thing in the whole world, I decided that it didn’t matter how he acted, I would still think he was unforgivingly cute.

            As I parked his wheelchair beside the front desk, Petra came out from the backroom. “Hey guys!” she said when she spotted us. “I’m almost done here. Maybe another fifteen minutes or so.”

            “Coffee,” Eren stated, like saying that one word could get him anything he wanted.           

            “I think I can nab you a cup.” She winked at him.

            Petra went to turn around, but Eren asked, “Can you bring a cup for Levi, too? He wants some. Right, Levi?” He looked up at me and tugged on the end of my jacket.

            I couldn’t take this. His adorableness was at maximum capacity. Was he trying to give me a heart attack at the tender age of seventeen?

            “Yeah,” I croaked out, clearing my throat afterwards. “Thanks, Petra.”

            “Yes, thank you!” Eren chimed in.

            When she disappeared inside the backroom again, he lifted up the sleeves of his coat to rub his hands together like they were two sticks he was trying to ignite. He did it over and over, making little noises of disappointment when he discovered he couldn’t warm them up that way. After one last try (he looked so damn determined), he gave up with a heavy sigh.

            Before I could change my mind, or collapse from heart failure, I knelt down so I was face to face with him. His eyes never once left me as I reached out and took his hands in mine. His skin was cold, but soft, and when I began to rub circles into his palm, he bent forward, his forehead touching mine.

            Everything seemed to slow down and vanish all at once, like there was no one else in the world but us: sitting here warming each other’s hands up in the office of an old, beat up high school that smelt of coffee, freshly opened books, and women’s perfume.

            We were still like that when Petra came out a few minutes later carrying two plastic cups, but unlike Jean, she didn’t say anything that would humiliate the shit out of me. She just walked up to where we were and handed us the coffee she had undoubtedly snuck past the receptionist.

            “Ready to go?” she asked.

            I stood up, cup in hand. “Yeah. Jean’s probably already waiting by the truck.”

            Petra stepped around me and started to push Eren out of the office. He was happily sipping at his coffee, but when I got a little behind them, he turned his head to peer at me, and said, “Keep up.”

            I sped up my pace until I was beside him. Then I dared to ask, “Want me by you, is that it?”

            He smiled, and I knew he was about to have one of those moments that every shred of shyness melted away to confidence, so I began to mentally prepare myself for whatever he was planning to do. But when his hand shot out to encase mine, my breath caught in my throat, and a flurry of butterflies erupted in my stomach. “Actually, I do want you by me,” he admitted, and I nearly tripped because my body became goo, but he just kept tugging me along.

            Once we were outside, the cold, dry air cooled down my heated skin. I took in a deep breath that did nothing to settle my erratic heart, because Eren was still holding my hand, his fingers sliding in between mine—a perfect fit.

            As we rounded the corner of the building to head to the parking lot, I saw that Jean _was_ standing by Petra’s truck. He looked like a ball of fury ready to explode at the slightest touch; his ash-brown hair standing up like he had run his fingers through it several times. When his eyes came to land on us, he announced, “My ass is a block of ice!”

            “Don’t exaggerate,” Petra said.

            He narrowed his eyes, a smirk lifting the corners of his lips. “Come feel it, and you’ll see that I’m not exaggerating. Here, I’ll even help you out.” He turned around and in one quick move he slid his pants and boxers down, mooning us in broad daylight.

            “OH MY GOD!” shouted Petra, shielding her eyes with her hands. “My eyes cannot unsee this!”

            Jean glanced at us over his shoulder. “Commit it to memory.”

            “I don’t have to,” I told him. “It’s _burned_ into my memory.”

            “Good.” He kept his pants down for another few seconds before he pulled them back up. “Now that my ass has frostbite, let’s get the hell out of here. Hey wait, is that coffee?”

            I handed the cup to him. “Here, have it. I don’t think I could drink anything brown after seeing your ass.”

            “I’m offended,” he said with mock hurt. “Now get Eren inside, so we can all cram in afterwards.”

            Normally, I was very adamant about Jean sitting on my lap, since there wasn’t enough room in the truck to seat all four of us. I didn’t want to take the chance with Eren sitting on me, because I was sure my lower extremities would jump at the opportunity, if you know what I’m saying. But today I decided to risk it.

            “Just get in,” I said.

            Jean regarded me, saw the get-the-fuck-in-right-now expression on my face, and hopped in without any further questions.

            I tried to seem completely at ease, but when I climbed in after him, I started to regret this rash decision of mine. Especially when Eren stood up without any help, and made himself comfy on my lap. I went stiff beneath him, my hands curling into fists by my legs.

            Fuck me! His ass was warm and soft, and I wanted to…

            _No! No. Don’t think about his ass. Don’t do it._

            Shit. How could I _not_ think about his ass? It was pressed right up against my crotch.

            Send help. I was in need.

            “So Eren,” Petra said as she jumped into the driver’s seat, “do you have to be home right away? I’m kind of hungry, and I was planning on ordering some pizza, so I was wondering if you wanted to come over for a while.”

            Eren wiggled around to rearrange himself, his ass rubbing up against me all the while, causing me to bite down hard on the inside of my cheek to stop myself from getting a boner. Why was I stupid enough to believe this would work out any other way?

            _Oh, God, help._

“My dad works late tonight,” said Eren after he found a comfortable position, “so I can go over for pizza.”

            Petra twisted the key in the ignition, the engine roaring to life. “Okay, that’s great. Let’s get going. I feel like I haven’t eaten in ages.”

            We barely made it onto the main road when Jean turned on the radio and some upbeat song filled the cab of the truck. The lyrics sounded like gibberish to me, because I couldn’t hear anything over the frantic beating of my heart. Jean seemed to be enjoying my discomfort, because he leaned back and mouthed, “Wrap your arms around him.”

            I flipped him off, glad that Eren was paying more attention to something in his backpack than he was to me. “No,” I mouthed back, but lost my train of thought when Eren suddenly grabbed my hand and brought it up to eye level.

            “I like your hands,” he said, turning it to and fro, examining it at every angle. “You have really fair skin, so you can see your veins well. It makes me want to draw them.”

            Looking up at my hand that he held, I tried to see what he saw, but there was nothing special about it. It was slender and pale, my long, bony fingers jutting out like my hand was going to pop up through a mound of dirt at any second, like those stupid zombies that insisted on crawling out from their graves.

            “They aren’t that great,” I said, using my free hand to poke him in the side. He curled up in a ball.

            Jean observed this with amusement in his eyes. “What are you, an armadillo?”

            “No,” Eren replied. “I’m an Eren-dillo.” He laughed way too hard at his own joke, and after a while, he covered his mouth in an attempt to stop it, but it didn’t work whatsoever.

            He was so cute. Goddamn.

            “How did you start drawing?” Petra asked out of the blue.

            Eren took in a breath to settle down some. “I had a lot of time on my hands. My dad wouldn’t let me go out, so boredom got the best of me. It started when I wanted to draw a flower my mom used to love, and then it just went on from there.”

            “What happened to your mom?” Jean questioned, and I smacked him hard on the arm, because you didn’t just come out and ask that. “Shit! I was just wondering. Jeez.”

            “No, it’s okay,” said Eren. “She died when I was ten from ovarian cancer.” He turned his head to look out the window, still toying with my fingers. “I look just like her.”

            I ran my fingers over his and felt the tremble that went through him. “Then she was gorgeous.”

            For a long time, Eren didn’t say anything, and I thought I bit off more then I could chew, but then he leaned back and rested his head on my shoulder. He laced his fingers through mine without thought and tugged my arm around his waist. I swear I almost died, because he was so close, and warm and tantalizing, but when he released a small sigh of content, I relaxed and carefully (so carefully) wrapped my other arm around him.

            Jean’s eyes darted from my face, to my arms, and then back to my face again, but surprisingly he didn’t say anything. He just gave me a thumbs up when Eren wasn’t looking. Petra smiled and did the same.

            I smiled back, because I couldn’t help it. It felt like I was walking on air.

            For the rest of the drive, Eren stayed snuggled up against me. At one point, he even turned his head to bury his forehead against my neck. He made a soft humming sound, mumbling something about how I smelt good. I wanted to tell him the same, but I couldn’t find my voice. It had vanished like it never existed, every word in the English language leaving me in the blink of an eye.

            Once we got to Petra’s house, her and Jean scrambled out of the car like they were racing. As they vanished behind the front door, Eren brought our laced fingers up to gaze at them. “One more week,” he said, sounding like he was talking more to himself than to me. He sighed. “We should go inside.”

            I knew he was talking about the one week I had left here in this town, and that he was probably wondering why we were starting this when I was so close to leaving, but I didn’t want him to think that. I didn’t want him to believe that I was just going to up and leave after this, because I wasn’t. Suddenly, that was very clear to me. I wanted to stay. I wanted to try this out with him, to see where it would go.

            “I don’t think I’m leaving in a week,” I whispered.

            He sat up and turned around to look at me. “I thought you really wanted to go.”

            “I did.”

            “Then? Why would you stay?”

            _Because I like you. I like you more than I thought it was possible to like anyone._ “I found a reason to stay,” I said.

            He made eye contact, stared at me for a long period of time, and then leaned down to kiss me on the cheek. It was quick, just the barest brush of his lips against my skin, but it sent a shock up my spine, and I was pretty sure that I looked like I had just taken a hit of ecstasy, because Eren giggled and pressed another kiss to my cheek, closer to my mouth.

            Afterwards, I stepped out of the truck with him in my arms (he was a little upset that I made him break his cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die promise). I wasn’t upset at all. He was clinging onto me, resting his head on my shoulder as he lightly scratched the buzzed hair just above my neck.

            Yeah, I could get used to this. It was nice, comfortable.

            I walked up the stone path and into the house, and then made my way to the living room, where I sat him down on the very center of the couch. He didn’t release his hold on me, though, basically dragging me down next to him. I didn’t mind, especially when he continued to play with my hair, which made me want to curl up in his lap like a cat.

            “I already ordered the pizza,” Petra said as she strolled into the living room. “But your dad just called, Eren, and asked me to go pick up your oxygen tank.”

            Eren made a face. “But I feel fine.” He took a deep breath to prove his point, but then he clutched his chest. “Ignore that. That’s perfectly normal.”

            I cut him a sideways glance. “It’s no big deal. Your house isn’t even far.”

            “Yeah, it’s not a problem,” Petra reassured him. “I’ll be back in no time.”

            “Okay,” Eren said in a small voice.

            I slung my arm over his shoulders, pulling him closer to me. “It’s fine. Don’t even worry about it.”

            Jean made his way in, a chocolate chip cookie caught in between his teeth. “What’s going on?” he asked around the treat.

            “I’m going to go pick up Eren’s oxygen tank,” Petra informed him. “Want to come?”

            He bit off a mouthful. “Yeah okay.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me suggestively, but I chose to ignore him.

            After they made their way out of the house, Jean chomping on his cookie like a damn horse the entire time, Eren and I sat there and listened to the truck start up and back down the driveway. When all we could hear was the sound of our own breathing, we turned and looked at each other, and we knew, without a doubt, that something had changed between us.

            Something had been put into motion, and I was happier and more alive and more afraid than I had ever been before in my life.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even explain to you guys how much I love these characters already. I'm only 5 chapters in, and I already feel this connection to them. It makes me happy.  
> To address how often I update, since I've been asked several times, it varies. I usually don't take longer than a week, and sometimes even less time than that, but lately I've been in and out of the hospital with some lung issues (which is how I came up with this idea, actually), so it has been taking me a little longer. I hope you guys understand.
> 
> As per usual, thank you for reading, the comments you leave me, and the kudos. I appreciate all of it. ♡
> 
> Also, I just realized this, but I updated on my birthday haha.


	6. You Could Be My Unintended Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Everything about you resonates happiness_   
>  _Now I won't settle for less_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 5:56 in the morning, and I haven't slept. I'm not even tired. I blame the two cups of coffee I downed. xD  
> Anyway, I'm so ready for next chapter. This chapter is kind of uneventful, but eventful at the same time. I know I'm making no sense, but once you read, you'll understand.  
> Also, allow me to take a moment to thank all those who take the time to leave me a comment. I love reading them, and I know I don't always get back to everyone, so just know that you're appreciated. I see your comments, they mean a lot, so thank you. :)

I was awake long before the alarm clock was set to go off at five in the morning. By that time, I had already drunk down two steaming cups of coffee, showered, and dressed in jeans, my white Kill Your Television T-shirt, and worn in combat boots. For having only slept for three hours, I was feeling pretty good and pumped up. I knew this feeling had nothing to do with the amount of caffeine I had consumed, but had everything to do with the fact that I’d be seeing Eren soon. Just thinking of his smile made _me_ smile, and that was a rarity in itself. It should’ve been considered a National holiday, because it only ever happened once every year (if that). Yet, nowadays, it seemed to be happening all the time.

            _Will you look at that: Levi is smiling!_

Yes, I was smiling, because I was happy in a way that made it difficult _not_ to smile. Was this what it felt like to have a crush on someone: Like everything was beautiful and right in the world, so why not smile about it? Why not share your undiluted happiness with everyone you came into contact with? And here I thought I was a fool for no one, but apparently I was quite the fool for Eren. Even with that knowledge under my belt, it still felt nice, if just a bit terrifying, as well.

            When the alarm did go off at five, I plopped down on the foot of Jean’s bed, waiting for him to wake up to the obnoxious sound. It took him a while to rouse from his deep sleep, the beeping of the alarm sounding louder and louder, and more annoying as time went on. Soon enough, though, Jean groaned like he was Frankenstein coming to life. Then his hand shot out from beneath his thick, beige blanket to dart from left to right until it landed on the offending object that had woken him up.

            As silence filled the room once again, his head slid out from under the blanket like a turtle’s head would slide out of its shell. He blinked several times, saw me sitting there, and then mumbled in a serious tone, “Satan has risen.” I smacked him on the calf. “And he’s short and mean.”

            “Get the fuck up,” I said, giving his calf another smack, this time a little too hard. He tucked his leg under his body after that, protecting it from my sudden attacks. “We have to be at Petra’s house in an hour. We can’t be late, because afterwards we have to pick up Eren, and then head to school.”

            “Coach Smith won’t leave without you, so give me another twelve years, and I’ll be good to go.”

            “I made pancakes.” I taunted him with the one thing he couldn’t resist, even at this ungodly hour: food. Jean was a food whore.

            He shot up as though I had administered an electric shock. “Did I say twelve years? I meant twelve seconds, baby. I’m here. I’m ready.”

            “Just shut up and go eat. Then get in the shower. You smell like ass.”

            He lifted his faded grey T-shirt to his nose and inhaled. “I smell like heaven!”

            “If heaven smelt like ass.”

            After he lumbered out of bed, which took him a lot longer than it should have, I walked into the living room to double check that I had packed everything I’d need for a weekend in Trost. When I saw that I wasn’t missing anything essential, I hoisted the strap of the duffel bag over my shoulder, and went out front to toss it into Petra’s truck.

            The second I was out of the house, the cold breeze pressed in on me, making me wish I had a jacket with a built in heater. Looking up, I saw that the sun was hidden behind a thick layer of clouds that seemed to swallow up the sky, but for the first time in a long time, it didn’t bother me. Neither did the darkness that surrounded me, or the frigid, dry wind that rubbed my cheeks raw.

            Petra’s truck was parked out on the street, a bulk of orange in the dark. It was a 1964 Chevrolet pickup truck. Her uncle, who was about the only relative she had that gave a real damn about her, had restored it. He had given it to her on her fifteenth birthday, and her dad had been royally pissed off about it, because he had wanted that truck for years. The douchebag didn’t deserve it, and I would never forget the face he made when his brother handed over the keys to his only daughter.

            Pulling open the passenger side door, I tossed the duffel bag inside, watching it bounce on the cream-colored bench seat. I didn’t want to go back inside the house just yet, so I leaned up against the truck, shoving my hands into the pockets of my black leather jacket. I had a grey hoodie underneath it, because it was too damn cold out not to. Sometimes I wondered if Shiganshina would ever have warm weather.

            It only took a few minutes of being out in the cold to convince me that being inside with Jean was a better option than freezing my ass off. Though, when I got back inside and heard his monstrous chewing from the front room, I considered risking hypothermia.

            “Are you about ready yet?” I called while I walked down the hallway that led to the kitchen area.

            “It’s been five seconds, Levi,” Jean answered in a sarcastic tone. “Calm the hell down. You’ll get to see your boyfriend soon, so stop rushing me already.”

            I entered the kitchen with a don’t-start-this-bullshit-with-me look. He didn’t even see it, too busy shoving a huge piece of pancake into his mouth. I swear he chewed like he wanted aliens in outer space to hear him. He knew it irritated the shit out of me, but _I_ knew that he didn’t care.

            Taking a seat opposite him at the dining table, I watched him push back his hair with the heel of his palm. It had grown out quite a bit over the last few months, and the moron refused to get it cut. His dad hated it long, would always give him shit for it, so that’s exactly why Jean was letting it grow out. He liked to defy a father that wasn’t even around to see his defiance.

            “You chew like a dog,” I informed him.

            His eyes moved up to my face. “Was I supposed to get offended by that?”

            I leaned forward over the table to pick up the mug of coffee by his plate. I drank down several gulps before I set it back down. “Just shut up and hurry up.”

            “Eager to see Eren?”

            “Possibly,” I said, my eyes flicking to the right, because I couldn’t look at him when I said that.

            “‘Possibly’, my ass. You are. Just look at your face.” I could hear the smirk in his voice. That bastard. “So, are you going to ask him out soon, or what?”

            I shrugged, sitting back down in my seat. “I’m not sure. We don’t really know each other yet. I figured I should wait it out a bit.”         

            “No, you shouldn’t ‘wait it out a bit’,” Jean said slowly, as if he were talking to a child that couldn’t understand a word he was saying. “I think you should ask him out soon.” He pointed the fork he was holding at me as though that simple gesture could make me see things his way. “You like him. He likes you. C’mon, Levi, it’s elementary.”

            I thought it over, letting out a horribly long sigh. “I wouldn’t know how to bring it up in conversation. How do you even ask someone out? It all seems so difficult.” Impossible, was more like it.

            “Oh my god. If people actually knew that the ‘cool, ever-so-suave’ Levi Ackerman was actually horrible at basic romance, they would laugh. I know, and _I’m_ laughing.”

            “Shut the fuck up, asshole.” I picked up a napkin he had wadded up, and chucked it at his face with enough force to kill someone, but it just bounced off his nose and landed on his syrup-covered pancakes.

            “Now look what you did,” he said, flicking the napkin off of his food.

            “I’ll give you five minutes to eat those, or I’m throwing them out.”

            He laughed. “Someone’s offended. Did I hurt your feelings, because I pointed out that you’re clumsy at romanticizing a young boy with big, beautiful eyes?” He batted his eyelashes, holding his hands up to his chest.

            _That’s it._

            I snatched his plate away in one quick movement. “I will spit on these.”

            “You wouldn’t dare.”

            “Try me.”

            He held his hands up as if at gunpoint. “Fine! I surrender. Now give me back my pancakes, or I will attack.”

            I slid the plate back over to him, and then pointed down to it with my index finger. “This is the last time I do anything nice for you.”

            It wasn’t. We both knew that.

 

(x)

 

Half an hour later, after we had picked up Petra, we pulled up in front of Eren’s house. My heart immediately thumped faster in my chest, as though it knew where we were, and whom we were about to see. I couldn’t even deny these feelings anymore. I was beyond that. Right now, in this very moment, I was at the starting point of something new. I didn’t know how things would turn out, no one ever did, and I sure as hell didn’t know if Eren and me would last. All I knew was that I liked him a lot, and that he made me feel like someone else, someone who didn’t hate this town. I knew, that from here on out, I was going to spend every free moment I had getting to know him, because I wanted to know everything about Eren Jaeger.

            With a grunt, the ever so impatient Jean got out of the truck. He was halfway up the driveway by the time Petra and me set foot on the sidewalk. So, while I was standing there trying to build up some courage, Eren had already opened up his front door. He stepped (stepped?!) out onto his porch, cannula in place. Then he chucked a bag at Jean without prior warning.

            “Oof,” Jean breathed, the bag slamming into his chest. “Goddamn, Eren.”

            “Sorry,” Eren chirped back. “I’m just excited! Let’s go! I can’t wait anymore!”

            “What about your wheelchair? And why are you shouting?”

            “Wheelchair?” Eren beamed, giving his cannula a little tug. “No need for it. My dad is letting me take this. I can walk with this, and I’m shouting because I’m excited. I thought I told you this already?” He sounded happy, _looked_ happy, and I got this burning desire to kiss him, to taste his happiness on my lips.

            “Why don’t you do that all the time?” Jean asked, shutting his front door for him, because he had left it wide open.

            “Because oxygen tanks are expensive, dummy. Why are we still talking about this? Let’s go!” Eren walked down the driveway, pulling his oxygen tank behind him in the steel cart I had grabbed from his house the day we went to the beach for Coach Smith’s stupid bonfire.

            That felt like months ago. Had it really only been a week since then?

            My thoughts were interrupted when Eren stopped right in front of me. I focused my eyes on him, opened my mouth to say something, swallowed to discover my throat was bone dry, and came to the realization that I couldn’t speak whatsoever. I tried again ( _come the fuck on_ ), but had any and all words torn from my mind, because he leaned forward and pressed his lips to my cheek—very, very close to my mouth.

            There went my soul.

            “I—you… Shit,” I fumbled, because I couldn’t talk to save my life.

            Eren bit his lip and giggled, killing me softly. “Come on.” He grabbed my hand, steering me back to the truck. He opened the passenger door and waited for me to get inside before he climbed onto my lap. He didn’t waste any time in leaning back, so I didn’t waste any time in wrapping my arms around his waist. The warmth of his body seeped into mine, drowning out any logical thought left in my brain.

            Withdrawing the cannula from his nose, he turned off his oxygen tank and breathed out a little sigh of relief. Although he could walk with the help of it, I knew that he didn’t like hauling it around. Who would?

            After Jean made a show of tossing Eren’s bag into the back, complete with intense glaring that affected no one, he slid into the seat next to me, and Petra followed. No one said anything as we started the drive to Shiganshina High. It was like none of us could believe that we were going to Trost without our parents in tow. Then again, Jean and Petra’s parents were already in Trost, but that didn’t really count, because they didn’t know that we would be there too.

            “Let’s do something illegal while we’re there,” suggested Jean.

            “No,” I said, because that was a stupid idea. “Knowing you, you’d get us caught.”

            He scoffed. “I wouldn’t. I’m stealthy as hell.”

            “You’re as stealthy as a horse on drugs,” Petra said.

            We all looked at her, because Petra _never_ spoke like that, and then Eren opened the floodgates and started laughing. I tried to prevent my own laughter from starting up, but then Jean turned to me—he looked abashed, a reaction only Petra could pull out of him—and I couldn’t hold it back anymore.

            I buried my face in between Eren’s shoulder blades and laughed until I couldn’t laugh anymore. Why was this so funny? There were actual tears in my eyes. Shit.

            “Don’t look like that,” Petra said after a while, patting Jean’s cheek. “I said it with love.”

            “Sure,” he grumbled, folding his arms over his chest.

            “Don’t sulk. You can do whatever you want in Trost, just nothing illegal. I don’t want you getting into any trouble while we’re there.”

            Petra had always, and would always, be the responsible one in our group. She had risen to the task of keeping us in check, which I’d be the first to admit wasn’t an easy thing to do for a long time. When Jean’s dad left town, he was determined to ruin anything and everything in his path. Petra kept him out of juvenile detention too many times to count. Then there was me: I was a walking disaster just for the sake of creating havoc in this town, because I wanted everyone to hurt like I hurt. It took me a while to settle down from that, as well.

            That’s why Jean and I treated her with the utmost of respect, because she didn’t deserve anything less from us. She had put up with way too much of our shit throughout the years, and stuck around afterwards to help us pick up the pieces of our shattered lives. Without her, we would’ve left Shiganshina long ago. We owed her for keeping us from ruining ourselves. Everyone else had given up on us at the first sign of trouble.

            “We’re here,” Petra announced in a cheery voice, bringing me back to the present and out of the past.

            Eren sat up straight, and then swiveled around to stare me in the eye. “Give me a piggyback ride.” He sounded so serious, like he was talking about something utterly important, and not about me carrying him on my back.

            “What is the point of the oxygen tank, then?” Jean asked, gesturing to said oxygen tank, which was resting by our feet.

            “I don’t want to waste precious oxygen to just walk to the bus,” Eren clarified as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “So, piggyback ride.”

            “Okay,” I said, taking the hint for what it was.

            Opening the passenger side door, I stepped out onto the asphalt, and was immediately lunged on. Eren gripped me with his long limbs like I was a pole. It took me a minute to steady myself, because he was taller than me: all long legs (that were sexy as fuck, might I add).

            Some ways ahead of us was the only school bus Shiganshina High had ever owned. It was a hideous grey. One year Coach Smith thought it would be a fantastic idea to repaint it, but after he had sanded it down and painted it with primer, his wife had died, as well as his enthusiasm to finish the job he had started. So, there it was, ugly and grey—never to be yellow again.

            As I held Eren, who was a ball of excitement and warmth on my back, I instructed him to grab his duffel bag from the back of the truck. I had to lean to the side to give him enough leverage to coax it out, but once he had it in hand, he righted himself and tapped on the side of my leg with his foot like I was nothing more than a horse. That was his way of urging me forward.

            “This is going to be fun,” he exclaimed as I began to walk. He leaned his head down, and I couldn’t figure out what he was doing until I felt his lips brush against my ear.

            I shuddered.

            “Don’t do that. I’m going to drop you.” I literally was. When he did that, my arms and legs (basically every part of me) had gone weak.

            “Do I make you nervous?” he asked, his voice dropping to an almost seductive tone that made me forget my name.

            “You make me forget how to talk.” He made me forget everything.

            He tightened his hold on my neck, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. “So, I do make you nervous. I’ve never made anyone nervous before. You know, a kid in a wheelchair isn’t very intimidating to most. Especially when that kid has crappy lungs.”

            “You’re very intimidating to me,” I told him, and I was glad that he couldn’t see my face when I said that. “It hurts to look at you most of the time, because you’re so…” How could I put it into words? He was… _more._ He was extraordinarily beautiful in a way that made me want to lose myself, because despite what I had continuously told myself for days, he wasn’t just a pretty face. There was something about him that I hadn’t found in anyone else. “You’re different.”

            He stayed quiet for a long while, and then he whispered in my ear, “You make me nervous, too.”

            By the time I made it onto the bus, I was convinced I was having a stroke. Every time Eren so much as leaned into me, which he did more often than not, my stomach twisted with a sudden, furious desire that demanded me to take notice in the way he made me feel.

            I made him nervous. That was a big deal, right?

            We were at the starting point.

            Why was all of this so thrilling and terrifying all at once?

            Everyone stared at us as I walked toward the back of the bus, but no one said anything, not even Coach Smith, who was wearing his usual attire: a dark-grey T-shirt with COACH printed in red capital letters across the chest, and black track pants with a white stripe that went down both sides.

            We were headed to Trost, and he was still dressed like we were about to run a mile.

            I eased Eren down onto his feet, and he slid across the seat until his back was pressed against the inside of the bus. The window above him was slightly down, and I knew that it wouldn’t be going up. That thing had been broken for years. If it rained, we’d both be getting wet. Still, I took my chances, because here in the back, no one could see us very well.

            “Does everyone always stare?” he asked in a whisper.

            “They’ll get over it.” It was then that I realized he was once again wearing my navy-blue jacket. The thought of him wanting to wear it because it was mine did funny things to my heart rate. “That’s a nice jacket you’re wearing.”

            “You think so,” he said, not missing a beat. “This _really_ hot guy lent it to me. It smelt like him when I first got it, but I had to wash it, so now it just smells like me.”

            God, what was he doing to me? I could hardly breathe, let alone catch my breath.

            I wanted to do so many things to him, things that I shouldn’t have been thinking of in a bus crammed with my fellow students, but a part of me didn’t care that they were here. A wicked part of me that I was finding hard to control wanted to push him up against the side of the bus and erase any traces of anyone he had ever imagined himself with.  

            “So that’s why you wear it?” I asked, my voice rough. “Because some ‘hot guy’ lent it to you?”

            He grinned a mischievous grin. “Oh, no. I wear it because I happen to like this hot guy.”

            Yep. I was done for. There was no going back now. I was in too deep, and I wouldn’t be satisfied until he was mine and I was his.

            Feeling bold, I grabbed the front of the jacket he had claimed, and tugged him toward me. The cool façade slipped away, a blush coloring his cheeks, and a sharp gasp parting his lips. “You drive me crazy,” I said, because it was the only thing I could think to say, and also because it was the truth.

            He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “I-In a good way?”

            “In a way that makes it impossible to stop thinking about you.”

            “Levi.” He said my name like it was something divine and exquisite, like it was something you said in the dark: a guilty pleasure. I wanted to hear him say it over and over…

            “Before you two start humping,” Jean said, taking the seat in front of us, “may I inform you that we’re in a ratty school bus?”

            “It’s not ratty,” Coach Smith roared in that calm, yet booming voice of his.

            If he had heard that from where he sat, then he had undoubtedly heard what Eren and I had been saying just a few seconds ago.

            The whole bus probably heard what we were saying.

            Well…shit.

            Before I could gauge everyone’s reaction, Petra came strolling up the aisle with Eren’s oxygen tank close behind her. In our haste, we had left everything behind except for one duffel bag. I was about to apologize, but she hushed me with her it’s-okay smile.

            “Here you are, Eren,” she said, passing the handle to him. “Are you feeling all right? You look flushed.”

            “Petra, please!” Jean bellowed in an over dramatic way. “Leave the children alone.”

            She looked confused, but shrugged it off. They both turned in their seat to face the front. Then Coach Smith stood up, resting his forearms on the tops of the seats on either side of him. He looked us all over, blue eyes scanning us until he knew that no one would interrupt him.

            “So,” he began, “as you all know, Levi will be leaving us Shiganshina folks behind in a week. I thought we’d go down to Trost for one last hurrah before he departs, but, and I mean this, if any of you start any trouble over there, I will have Sheriff Flagon throw you in jail for a night. Is that understood?”

            A chorus of “Yes, Coach!” followed.

            “Good. With all that boring stuff said, who’s ready to hit the road?”

            Everyone whooped and hollered except for me, because I’d have to tell Coach soon that I wasn’t leaving this town just yet. Would he be disappointed? He had opened up a bank account for me, after all. But even if he was disappointed, I still had to tell him, because I would need to keep my job at his auto repair shop.

            “Then let’s head out,” he finished, and the bus driver, Nile Dok, started up the engine.

            Everyone in the bus started to talk all at once. They were going on and on about graduation, even though there were only five seniors in here. All the rest were still sophomores and juniors, but that didn’t stop them from getting excited. They were happy for this year’s graduating class. Krista smiled at her girlfriend Ymir, who was a senior, and Connie congratulated Annie, Reiner, and Bertolt—the other seniors.

            As for me, I didn’t care so much about graduating. It was a big event for sitting your ass in school for eight hours a day for twelve years straight. It was meant to be a celebration _– hey, you did it!_ – when really those years spent earning that diploma had been hell for me. Most of the time I couldn’t study for exams, because I had been too busy working. Although Kenny paid the house payment, he didn’t pay for the electric, sewage, or water bills. That had been left up to me.

            “Give me your left hand,” Eren suddenly demanded, snapping me out of my thoughts.

            I did so without asking any questions.

            He flipped my hand over, so my palm was facing up. Then he pushed up the sleeve of my jacket to stare at my skin as though he could see something there that I couldn’t. After a long period of time spent gazing at my arm, he pulled out a black ballpoint pen from his back pocket, and very carefully began to draw.

            I didn’t look at what he was drawing. I wanted to keep a close watch on his face.

            Whenever Eren drew, he focused all his attention on it. There was just my arm (his selected canvas), and the precise strokes of his pen. He was beautiful. The world fell away in that moment, leaving only him and me behind. All the noise surrounding us died away into nothingness, because the only sound I could hear was his uneven breathing.

            I wanted him so badly. I wanted to mix us together until no one could tell us apart. I wanted all of him, every last bit.

            “There,” he proclaimed.

            For the first time since he started, I stared down at my arm. He had drawn a wing, black and precise. The dark ink stood out against my pale skin, making the wing much more vivid, like, if it wanted to, it could leap right off my arm.

            Without saying anything, he lifted the right sleeve of his jacket and drew another wing, the companion to mine. He didn’t color this one in. It was left the color of his flesh, but, if I could color it in, I’d make it white—pure and solid like him.

            “You wanted freedom from this town,” he said in a quiet voice. “Wings could grant you that freedom.”

            I looked up at him. “Wings of Freedom.”

            He smiled. “Exactly.”

            Suddenly, an idea occurred to me. “Give me my jacket.”

            “Huh?” His eyes darted up to mine.

            “My jacket,” I said once again, holding out my hand.

            Appearing crestfallen, he took off my jacket and handed it to me without lifting his gaze to meet mine. I set it down on my lap, and then took off the leather jacket I was wearing, holding it out to him afterwards. “Here,” I offered. “This one still smells like me.”

            He smiled brightly ( _beautiful_ ), and slipped on the jacket like it was about to disappear. He pulled it close to his body. “Does it mean something this time around?”

            “What do you want it to mean?” I asked.

            He shrugged, turning his head to look out the window. It had started to rain. Big surprise. “Do you like me, Levi?”

            Did he really have to ask? “Yes.”

            “Then make this mean something.”

            “Are you implying that you want me to ask you out?”

            “Only if you want to go out with me.”

            “I do,” I said, because I did.

            “Then ask me out.”

            This was really happening. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

            I felt like I had been waiting for him all my life, and now he was here.

            “Eren, do you want to be my boyfriend?” The words sounded awkward leaving my mouth, but you would have never guessed with how he turned around and looked at me, like he could _see_ me, all of me.

            Then he said, very seriously, “Yes.”

            And there we were: two boys sitting in an ugly grey bus, reaching out to grasp onto each other’s hand, because we were together, and nothing had felt more right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, I'm so cheesy. Forgive me, but the soundtrack of this fic consists of Muse (the band), more Muse, and some more Muse. There are other songs I listen to that aren't by Muse, but it's their songs that impact me, change my course for these characters. I love them so damn much. I've been listening to their music for freaking 12 years, and I'm still not tired of them.
> 
> Before I forget, because I was about to, here's Petra's truck (I want it): [exterior](http://cdn.barrett-jackson.com/staging/carlist/items/Fullsize/Cars/117313/117313_Front_3-4_Web.JPG) || [interior](http://cdn.barrett-jackson.com/staging/carlist/items/Fullsize/Cars/117313/117313_Interior_Web.JPG)
> 
> Side note: I am aware that canon Levi doesn't drink coffee, but tea. But this is not Levi from the canon universe. This isn't humanity's strongest soldier, but a different Levi who has never once fought against a titan, or flew around using the 3D maneuver gear. This Levi likes coffee, because me, as the creator of this unique Levi, is addicted to coffee. xD
> 
> Anyway, since I'm totally getting carried away here, thank you for reading!


	7. The Taste of Toffee on Your Lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You make me drop things_   
>  _like all the plans I had for a life without you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's block should be forbidden. I swear it's the worst. I wish it was a physical creature so I could shove it away and tell it, "Go home already. You're not wanted here."  
> But, sadly, it's not physical at all, but a mental block that makes me want to shove my fist through my computer. (I'm way too weak for that lol. I'd break my hand rather than the computer screen. xD)
> 
> Anyway, yes, go read. :)

Coach Smith was known for giving long, boring speeches, but the one he gave us after Nile parked the bus in a Motel 6’s parking lot took long and boring to a whole other level. It had to have lasted for an hour, maybe longer. I swear I was on the verge of chucking my boot at his face to shut him up already, because he kept repeating the same thing over and over, his voice becoming a constant whir of noise in my ear that I couldn’t drown out no matter how hard I tried.

              While I was attempting to shut out his rambling for what felt like the millionth time, Eren leaned closer to me, his breath hot on my ear. “Let’s escape,” he whispered, trailing his fingertips down the center of my palm. “He’s planning to stay at the motel until sundown. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather spend my afternoon doing something else.”

            “Like?”

            “Like experiencing my first kiss,” he said.

            My eyes shot open, but he wasn’t looking at me anymore. His gaze was trained on Coach, who was still going on about the consequences of causing trouble while we were here in Trost. “Do you even have a plan? Or are you just going to wing it?” I asked. I didn’t care if he wanted to wing it, because the thought of having his lips on mine was enough motivation for me to go along with anything.

            “Of course I have a plan,” Eren said. “We’ll stay back and say that I’m having some trouble breathing, so he won’t think it suspicious. Then when everyone is far away from the bus, we’ll get off and go our own way.”

            That was too simple. It wouldn’t work.

            I was still going to do it.

            “What about Petra and Jean?”

            He finally turned to look at me, a mischievous smirk on his face. “Already taken care of.”

            “Huh?”

            Before he could supply me with an explanation, Coach wrapped up his speech and signaled for the students in the first row of seats to head out. Connie and Sasha leaped to their feet like someone had set a firework off in their ass, scurrying out of the bus before he could remember something else and begin rambling again. Everyone after them did the same, rushing out without looking back.

            When Petra and Jean stood up, I watched Eren press a hand to his chest. His breathing became ragged, labored, and if I didn’t know that he was pretending, I would’ve fell for his act. Trying to look as convincing as I could, I brought my hand up to cup his cheek, playing along. He just squeezed his eyes shut, feigning pain.

            “What’s wrong?” Coach asked, making his way over to us. “Eren, are you feeling all right?”

            “I’m okay,” Eren said, voice strained. “I just need a few minutes.”

            I tried to suppress the smile that was threatening to give us away, because damn, he was good. “We’ll be out in a minute.” I sounded concerned, even to myself.

            For a moment, Coach looked like he wanted to stay, but then he said, “If you need anything, I’ll be right inside checking us in, okay?”

            Eren nodded, forcing out a quick, “Thank you,” before he went back to concentrating on his breathing. Erwin stayed for a couple more seconds, watching us closely through narrowed eyes, and then he turned around. I held my breath as he walked down the center aisle, letting it out in a long sigh when he stepped off the bus. I watched his retreating back as he strolled across the parking lot to the front office of the motel.

            I turned to Eren then. “Are you a goddamn actor?”

            He sat up straight. “Don’t waste time asking dumb questions. Let’s get out of here.” He leaned over me to grab his cannula, wrapping it around the backs of his ears. “Come on. Come on.”

            I stood up, not bothering to grab our bags. They would weigh us down. We could get them when we came back. “I’m guessing we need money?”

            “Of course,” he said simply.

            Bending down, I retrieved my wallet from my bag. I shoved it into my back pocket. Then I grabbed Eren’s hand and hurried down the aisle. I kept my eyes on the front of the motel to see if Coach Smith would dart out at the first sight of us, but he never did. The double doors remained closed. We were able to walk around the front of the bus and down the sidewalk without any trouble.

            “Holy shit,” I said in excitement once we were in the clear. “That was easy. How was that so easy?”

            Eren turned toward me, donning an irresistible smile that made me want to touch him. “I don’t know, but I saw an old cinema on our way in. It’s not too far from here. Want to go?”

            “Lead the way.”

            He steered us down the street, and I felt elated, which in turn made me daring. With my heart pounding heavily in my chest, I brought his hand up to my mouth. I pushed aside the cuff of my leather jacket, and pressed my tongue to his wrist (so warm) before I sucked on the skin, scraping my teeth across it. He stopped mid-stride, making a sound caught between a gasp and a small moan. Embarrassed, he clapped a hand over his mouth, but it was too late, I had heard it loud and clear.

            “There,” I said, running my thumb over the mark I had left. “Your first hickey. Or have you already been given a hickey before?”

            He shook his head. “This is my first one.”

            “Good.” I kissed his wrist, satisfied. “Let's keep going.”

            It didn’t take us long to reach the cinema Eren had spotted earlier. The first thing I noticed about it was the vertical neon sign that hung above the entrance. Big bold letters declared it as THE MALOO. Overall, the whole place looked like it was in pretty good condition, which was surprising, because most cinemas were in ruins nowadays. Whoever owned this one was doing a good job at keeping it up.

            Pushing open the double doors, I led Eren inside and the first thing that hit me was the smell. It smelt so good in here, like buttery toffee. We exchanged glances, because we were definitely going to buy whatever was emitting that scent.

            “Welcome to The Maloo,” a man behind the ticket booth said. He was dressed to impress in a white suit that looked impeccable. Even his smile was perfect, teeth as straight as an arrow. “How can I help you?”

            “Two tickets to whatever is playing now, or soon,” Eren said. He was bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean. “It doesn’t matter what it is.”

            The man tore off two pink tickets from a large roll, sliding them under the glass. “ _Rear Window_ starts in fifteen minutes. Is that all right?”

            “Perfect,” replied Eren, slipping his hand into his pocket. I batted him away, paying for the tickets and ignoring the man’s questioning stare when he saw me take his hand. I was not about to let that ruin my day. It didn’t matter what people thought, because I was happy.

            “Do you want any snacks?” I asked as I went up to the concession stand. “I’m going to get whatever is creating that smell.”

            He looked at me with wide eyes. “Ooo, yeah, get me some of that, too.”

            Unlike the man at the booth, the girl behind the counter at the concession stand stared at us like she wanted to take pictures to document the moment of our arrival. She smiled wide when Eren slid his fingers into my hair when I asked for a small box of toffee bars slathered in milk chocolate. She even went as far as to give me a discount, which earned her a brilliant, light-emitting smile from the boy who drove me insane with want.

            With candy in hand, we walked down a spacious hallway toward the theatre room, the velvet carpet _whoosh_ ing beneath our feet. I was too caught up in staring at the many black and white pictures that lined the walls on either side of us to notice Eren's sly smirk before he easily plucked the box of toffee out of my hand. He lifted the lid with care, staring down at the lining of toffee bars like they were his prized possessions. He selected one with a lot of chocolate drizzled over the top and took a tiny bite out of it.

            “Well?” I asked, watching his expression. “Are they as good as they smell?”

            He shut his eyes, chewing slowly. “Oh my god. They’re delicious. Try it.” He held the bar out to me, and normally I would’ve been disgusted that someone had offered me food that they had already taken a bite out of, but that wasn’t the case with him. Hell, I could lick his fingers and not have a problem with it.

            As he brought the treat to my lips, I bit off an edge and flavor exploded in my mouth. It was buttery, sugary goodness that melted on my tongue. Yet, at the same time, it was crunchy. “We’ll buy more when we leave,” I told him, because I wanted to get a box for Petra and Jean, since I had left them back at the motel.

            “Yes. Plenty more,” he said with a grin, shoving the rest of the candy into his mouth.

            Entering the theatre room, I saw that the whole place was empty except for an elderly couple that sat in the front. They were too busy talking amongst themselves to turn our way. They paid us no mind as we stood there glancing around to see what seats we wanted to occupy. I didn’t get to decide, though, because Eren was already pulling me toward a row of three seats that were bathed in darkness.

            “Don’t want to get caught doing something illicit?” I teased.

            He grinned, pulling me to a stop. I froze in place. “Back on the bus,” he began, leaning closer, his breath a warm puff of air on my lips, “you said that I drove you crazy. Well, you drive me crazy, too.” He kissed the side of my mouth, lips lingering on my skin for a number of seconds before I was being dragged along again. My head was a fuzzy mess, because all I could think about was how that simple gesture of affection had created an intense yearning within me.

            When we reached the row of his preference, Eren coaxed his oxygen tank down the aisle with sharp pushes to the handle. Shoving it away with a look of distaste, he sat down with a huff. I followed right after, barely getting comfortable in my very plush seat when he put his hand on mine, nails lightly scraping at my skin. With a smile that wouldn’t quit, I flipped my hand over on the armrest, so he could lace his fingers through mine. He let out a tiny, content sigh, leaning his head on my shoulder.

            God, why was he so imperfectly perfect? Why was I so happy?

            My heart was going to explode.

            The movie screen loomed in the distance, illuminating the room in a dull white light that cast shadows across Eren’s face. I wanted to kiss him so badly; it was a physical pain in my gut. I didn’t want to push my luck, though. This was our first day as a couple, and we hadn’t known each other for that long, but that didn’t stop this craving. I couldn’t even describe the feeling I got whenever I looked at him, whenever he looked at me. I just wanted him. I wanted every kiss and every touch that he had to offer.

            “Do you think Petra and Jean are mad?” he asked, leaning his head back on the seat.

            “I don’t know. I thought you said you had it taken care of.”           

            He grinned shyly. “Well, I slipped a note beneath their seat, but who knows if they got it or not.”

            “A note? Really?” Why was he so damn cute?

            “Yeah,” he said. “It went a little something like this: ‘Levi and I are going to be taking a little detour. Please don’t be mad. It was my idea. I’m a bad influence. Feel free to throw me in jail after this.’”

            I squeezed his hand. “Like I’d let them throw you in jail.”

            “Why wouldn't you? Want to keep me around?” He lifted an eyebrow, a crooked grin making one side of his mouth lift up.

            Damn. If that wasn't the sexiest thing ever.

            “Absolutely."

            I couldn’t really concentrate on the movie when it started. Darkness had wrapped itself around us, but my attention was on Eren. He had pushed his oxygen tank as far away from us as the row of seats would allow. The cannula had been carefully wrapped around the handle of the cart, but I knew he hated it, that he couldn’t stand having it around. It was a constant reminder that he couldn’t simply get up and walk out of here.

            “Have I told you,” I started, my voice sounding too loud in the expanse of the room, “that I like you? I don’t think I have.” I wanted to distract him, to take away that look of pain whenever his eyes found that oxygen tank beside us.

            “You haven’t,” he confirmed. “Want to rectify that?”

            “Mm,” I hummed, lifting his hand up to kiss his palm. “I like you.”

            He turned in his seat, tangling our legs together. “I like you, too. A lot.” Leaning in, he added, “I think I owe you something.”

            With him being this close, I couldn’t form complete thoughts. “Owe me something?”

            “Mhm.” He slipped a finger in the cuff of my leather jacket, sliding it down to reveal the hickey I had given him earlier. “I owe you a hickey. Will it be your first one, too?”

            I nodded. “Yeah.”

            Before I could ask him where he was planning on giving me this hickey, he leaned toward me, and I became speechless goo. My eyes shut automatically when I felt his lips skim along the length of my neck. My nails bit into the material of the armrest when my hands clenched around them unconsciously. Then his tongue flicked out and I almost moaned right there. I had to bite down on my bottom lip to keep any sounds locked away in my mouth.

            He pressed several opened mouthed kisses to my neck before he began to suck on it, hard. My breath hissed out of me, and I had no control over my body. My hands made their way into his hair without my permission, but I didn’t mind whatsoever, because he let out a groan that sent a shock of heat straight through me.

            Fuck. We really were just horny teenagers, and here I thought I was mature for my age.

            When he pulled back, I saw that his hair was a mess in the sexiest of ways. I looked at him. He looked at me, and then touched the spot his mouth had been on seconds ago. It was tender beneath his fingertips, but in a good way, in a way that made me want to shove him up against the nearest wall. Had it only been a few hours since I asked him out? It felt like forever ago. Or maybe my brain was trying to come up with excuses for me, because I was finding it hard to stay in my seat.

            “Are you hard?” Eren whispered, snapping me to attention.

            My eyes shot down to my groin (I was hard as fuck), and then back up to his face. “Shit. I—”

            “I am, too,” he said, cutting me off.

            _Shit! Shit! Fuck!_

            Where was my voice of reason when I needed it? This wasn’t allowed to happen yet, was it? I needed more time, because I had no idea what I was doing. I was a complete novice at this.

            As I was trying to compose myself, a beam of light flashed in our direction. Eren jerked to the right so fast, he was nothing but a blur of color in my peripheral vision. Then my eyes focused on the source of the light, and I saw an usher heading our way. I wondered if he had seen what we were doing, or if he was going to ask to see our tickets. Either way, I was nervous as hell.

            When he stopped in front of us some seconds later, he asked, “May I see your tickets?” in an overly cheerful voice.

            Eren all but shoved his ticket in the guy’s face, avoiding eye contact at all costs. I quickly dug my ticket out of my pocket and showed it to him with a slight flick of my wrist. Like: here-it-is-now-please-go-the-fuck-away.

            “Thank you,” the guy said with a fake smile. “Enjoy the film.”

            Once he was gone, we both released a breath we didn’t know we were holding.

            “I can’t believe that just happened,” Eren said in a squeaky voice. “Do you think he saw us?”

            I shrugged. “I have no idea, but he totally killed my boner.”

            “Mine too.” At that, he started to laugh, and it was infectious.

            Soon enough, we were both muffling our laughter, which wasn’t an easy thing to do, considering Eren kept busting up whenever I had settled down.

            “We’re going to get kicked out,” I informed him.

            “I don’t even care.”

            When he said it, I realized that I didn’t care, either.

 

(x)

 

When the movie was over, we strode out of the cinema hand in hand. I didn’t want to go back to the motel, where everyone was. I wanted to stay out with him in this big city that was far away from home. It felt like we were on an adventure, and I wasn’t ready for it to end.

            “What are you thinking?” Eren asked as we walked down the street that would eventually lead us to Motel 6.

            “You,” I said, because that was the truth. He was a constant thought in my mind, had been since the day spent at the beach. Since then, I didn't know how to act around him, because I knew I was developing feelings for him. Even now that I had accepted it all, I was afraid of losing myself, because I wanted to give him everything I was: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

            I had never wanted that with anyone before.

            Eren knocked his red Converse-clad foot against mine. “What about me?”

            “You make me want things that I never wanted before in my life. It’s…strange. I thought I would be too stubborn to pursue anything with you, but everything comes naturally. Nothing feels awkward or forced. I don’t understand it, so it’s sort of terrifying.”

            “Yeah,” he said. “I know what you mean.”

            I looked over at him. “You mean you feel the same way?”

            “Yes. Before I met you, I couldn't see myself in a relationship. My only desire was to see the world, to experience it all firsthand. I still do, but I would like to do it with you.” He laughed, giving his head a little shake. “If my dad could hear me right now, he would tell me that I’m crazy, and that we wouldn’t last longer than a month.”

            “Do you think we’ll last longer than a month?”

            He shrugged. “I don’t know, Levi. All I know is that I don’t want to be anywhere else right now except right here with you. As long as I feel that way, then I want to be with you.”

            That made sense. That didn’t sound as complicated as I had made it seem a few minutes ago. Of course this was terrifying. We were both new at this, inexperienced and young. This was our first relationship, so it was normal to feel a bit uncertain about everything. We just had to keep living in the moment. We could worry about the future when it was here.

            “Then let’s do that,” I said, wrapping my arm around his waist. “Let’s stay together until this feeling fades. _If_ this feeling fades.”

            “Don’t plan on it fading anytime soon. You’re sort of amazing.” He dropped his gaze, suddenly shy.

            “Eren?”

            “Hmm?” He still didn’t lift his eyes to meet mine, so I stepped in front of him. He jolted to a stop, oxygen cart bumping into his heels. “Levi?”

            I took a deep breath before I cupped his face in my hands. “Do you still want to experience your first kiss today?”

            My heart was pounding so fast in my chest, my skin red-hot. This would be my first kiss, too. I wasn’t sure if I should tell him that, or if I should keep it to myself for the time being. I wasn’t sure about anything except for the boy standing mere inches from me. He was so close, yet too far away. I wanted to pull him closer to me. I wanted him to give me a response.

            Finally, he said, “Yes.”

            There was no way to prepare myself for this, so I simply pressed my lips to his, and I came to life in that instant. Time shrank away until it was nothing. There was no beginning or ending. There was just us, his mouth tasting of toffee, his hair feeling like silk between my fingers, his body warm and inviting. I never wanted it to end. I wanted to wrap myself up in this moment, to memorize it in vivid detail, but then he leaned back, ending the kiss with closed eyes.

            “Levi,” he whispered, as though my name held dark, sweet secrets. He brushed his fingers over his lips, a small smile appearing. “That wasn’t what I expected.” I must have made a weird face, because he quickly added, “No, don’t take it that way. It was…better. So much better than I imagined it would be.”

            I understood what he meant, because it was better. It was better, because it was real. There was something there between us, something electrifying, persistent, needy and demanding. I didn’t think this was just a crush. It was much more powerful than that. This feeling running through me hadn’t been named, because I had never heard about it before. It was substantial, indecipherable.

            There was no way for me to avoid it, to steer clear of it, and that was all right with me, because I was ready to give into it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *calmly wades through the Ereri/Riren trash because it's my home nowadays* 
> 
> What have I become? Haha I feel like my mind has been overrun by Levi and Eren. They're just there like: Hey, girl!  
> I don't mind. I just hope I can write a story that doesn't include them, because how else will I be able to become a published author.  
> The struggle is real.
> 
> Anyway, I'm going to start tracking the tag #chasingsummerfic on both Tumblr and Instagram. So if you want to leave me a lil' something something, you can now do it. Whispers hurriedly, "If you draw me fanart, I will fangirl for 12+ years." 
> 
> It's 4 in the morning. How am I this hyper?
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and leaving me comments and just being amazing. :)
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://warriorflesh.tumblr.com) || [My Instagram](https://instagram.com/levi.eren_/)  
> Feel free to talk to me. Seriously. I am here.


	8. Our Time Is Eternal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Tasting the air you're breathing in_   
>  _I know I won't forget a thing_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with beginning notes. Does anyone even read them??
> 
> Onto more important matters. The wonderful, beautiful Lollylicker (as I know them as) drew me fanart. It's beautiful and I love it. You can see it [here.](http://lollylicker.tumblr.com/post/122841476792/just-some-ereri-cuteness-for-warriorfleshs-fic) Go look at it, go look at it. :)

I wasn’t ready to face everyone, so when we reached the Motel 6, I wordlessly pulled Eren toward the bus instead of the front office. He gave no protest, following me without question. The bus was an ugly hunk of grey in the distance, but it promised solitude, artificial darkness, and more time alone with Eren. That’s what I wanted, to be with him and only him. It felt like a door I hadn’t known was there had finally opened up for me, and I wanted to explore the inside of the room it led to.

            Pushing open the sliding door of the bus when we reached it, I grabbed onto Eren’s oxygen tank and let him go in front of me. After he was inside, I climbed in, shutting the door behind us. He smiled at me, turning around to walk backwards, his eyes promising things that I so desperately wanted. Every part of him was tempting, from the luscious locks of hair on his head, to his long legs that made me envision them wrapped around my waist.

            Everything he was, I wanted. There was nothing wrong with him. I didn’t care about the cannula that swore he was ill, because in comparison to his smile, it was nothing, a distant memory that was quickly fading. I wouldn’t let it come between us. If he ever had any trouble breathing, I’d stay by his side, because nothing could scare me away.

            “Eren,” I whispered into the darkness, my voice breathless, wanting.         

            He grabbed the front of my shirt, pulling me down into the seat next to him, and just like that, my lips were on his in a whole different way than they had been before. This kiss was urgent, pleading, like we couldn’t get enough of each other, like there wasn’t enough time in the world to indulge this craving that we had stirred up that day on the beach.

            I ran my thumbs over his jawline, relishing the soft sound it drew out of him. In return, he looped his arms around my neck, pulling me closer, his fingers gliding into my hair. I leaned back, wanting to see his face, satisfied with the expression I found there, but before he could move, I kissed a trail to his neck, where I let my tongue press against his skin. He tipped his head back, granting me more access, fingernails biting into my shoulders when I started to suck.

            _I want him. I want to erase the line that shows where he begins and I end._

            “We look a mess,” Eren breathed, cupping my face. When I looked up, he leaned forward, closing the space between us. “Everyone’s going to know what we’ve been up to.”

            I placed my hands on either side of his waist, forcing him to lean back in the seat. “I don’t even fucking care,” I whispered when our lips weren’t connected. “Do you?”

            “No, so don’t stop.”

            “I wasn’t planning to.”

            Time was lost on us. We probably would’ve stayed in there the whole night if it weren’t for the sound of the sliding door opening. That broke us apart real quick, and we sat up at the same time, our hair wild messes on the tops of our heads. We exchanged a look, saw our kiss-swollen lips, and then smiled like idiots at each other. It was our secret, even if the evidence was in plain sight.

            “Levi? Eren? I know you guys are in here.” That was Jean’s voice. “Coach Smith made me haul my ass out here, so you better answer me.” With an aggravated sigh, he stepped onto the bus, a dark silhouette manifesting in front of me. When he saw us sitting there, he said, “It smells like horniness in here.”

            Eren laughed and I rolled my eyes.

            “Shut the hell up,” I said. “How much trouble are we in?”

            Jean took his time in answering, choosing to walk back to where we were first. “You’d be surprised how persuasive Petra can be,” he told me. “She explained to Coach Smith how you two practically proposed marriage on the bus, and were off being dumb, reckless teenagers. Teenagers that were high on lust, and all that good shit.”

            “Did she really?” Eren asked, placing his hand a little too high up on my thigh.

            “Yep,” Jean replied. “It helps that Erwin trusts Levi. Otherwise I’m sure he would’ve called your dad by now. Do you guys even realize how long you’ve been gone?”

            I shrugged, not caring. “We wanted to be gone longer.”

            “Okay, just to let you know, I’m sharing a room with the two of you. Please tell me that I won’t be subjected to the sounds of raw, eager humping, because I don’t think there are enough therapists in the world that could cure me of _that_ traumatization.”

            Eren wasn’t even concerned about what Jean had just said; because all he had heard was that we would be in the same room tonight. He turned toward me with a crooked smile, his hand sliding up on my thigh, eliciting a shudder from me. “We’re rooming together,” he said. “Should we subject him to the sounds of raw, eager humping?”

            I knew that he was kidding, but that didn’t stop my mind from running wild.

            “I will literally kill the both of you,” Jean muttered. He jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “Let’s go inside already. It’s colder than my heart out here.”

            “Damn,” I said. “I didn’t know the second ice age was here.”

            That earned me a glare that could kill a baby mouse. It was his official baby mouse killer glare.

            “Fine, we’re going,” Eren assured, standing up. He sidestepped so that he was in front of me and I lifted my hands up to place them on his waist, loving the feel of his hipbones against my thumbs.

            “My eyes need to be thoroughly bleached now,” said Jean, turning away from us with a humph. “Come on. It’s early enough that we can convince Coach to take us to a diner or something. All we’ve eaten today is snacks from a vending machine, and I am on the verge of cannibalism. So unless you want to see me gnawing at your leg zombie style, I suggest you hurry your asses up.”

            Eren pivoted his hips with a devilish smirk on his face before he grabbed his oxygen tank. With another step, he left me sitting there staring after him as he pushed passed Jean, who snorted at my expression. I ignored him and got to my feet, pretending that I wasn’t totally affected by the boy in front of us.

            We hadn’t even made it outside before the rest of the group descended on us like bats out of hell. They were a lot more pissed off at us than Coach, because, according to Sasha, our little detour had prevented them from going out to get real food. She looked ready to murder us with a blunt object, but after Connie gave her a Snickers candy bar, she calmed down considerably.

            “Oh, all right. All right. That’s enough already. Settle down,” Coach said, batting down the air. When everyone was quiet, he continued, “Okay, I am more than aware that we’ve been sitting here for the last four—”

            “Five,” Annie interrupted in a cold tone.

            “Five hours,” Coach corrected, “but Eren and Levi are back now, and it’s still early enough to go to a nice restaurant. How does that sound?”

            Everyone spoke at once, trying to get their input in, but Erwin just ushered them onto the bus. The way he was eyeing me kept me rooted to the spot, though. He didn’t look angry, but I knew that he wanted to talk to me about the stunt I had pulled. He wasn’t going to let me off the hook that easily, because then the rest of the students he was responsible for would think it was simple to get away with stuff like this.

            After Petra coaxed Eren onto the bus—he had been lingering near the sliding door—Coach Smith directed me toward the front office. I didn’t say anything, partly because there was no point in arguing with him, but mainly because I knew I had this coming. I wasn’t even upset that Eren was back on the bus, while I was stepping into a small room that smelt of peppermint and pine air freshener.

            Erwin gestured for me to sit down on a red leather coach that looked out of place here. “Have anything to say for yourself?” he asked.

            “Not really,” I admitted.

            “I wouldn’t be so upset about this, if Dr. Jaeger didn’t specify that Eren wasn’t allowed to walk for long periods of time. I didn’t think he’d do something like this, otherwise I would’ve informed you about his physical limitations. Tell me, did he have any trouble breathing while you two were off having fun?”

            Something in the pit of my stomach clenched. “He said he could walk with his oxygen tank.” I braced my arms against my knees, thinking about the last few hours. I couldn’t remember him having a hard time breathing, but then again, he would be one to keep his discomfort to himself. “Shit. I don’t know.”

            Erwin came to sit down next to me. He put his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t beat yourself up over this. Grisha said that Eren was stubborn and strong willed, but I guess I had to see it to believe it. I’m sure he’ll be just fine, though, so don’t worry too much. It just can’t happen again. Are we clear on that?”

            “Yes.” I didn’t want to ask, but I asked anyway. “How bad are his lungs?”

            For a long while, Coach just stared at me. Then, releasing a sigh, he said, “Pretty bad, Levi.”

            It shouldn’t have hurt so much to hear that, but it did. It hurt like hell, because how can someone that amazing, that undeserving, have to endure such pain? I knew there had to be a cause for his lungs not working the way they should, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. I didn’t want to hear the reason. Hearing it would make it real, and I wasn’t ready for that yet.

            “I’m sorry,” Coach said, and he sounded it too. “Eren is young, and still so full of life. It’s always a hard thing to witness someone at his age suffering with ailments such as the one he has, but you have to understand that just because he has to live with this disease, doesn’t mean that he can’t be happy. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy with him.” I looked at him then, and he smiled. “I saw you two on the bus. I’ve never seen you like that before, Levi. He’s good for you, and you’re good for him. Don’t let this bit of information get in your way of being with him.”

            Without any warning, I wanted to cry. The urge was so intense, it was almost hard to ignore. “I won’t let it get in the way,” I told him through clenched teeth.

            “I know.” He patted my shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze before he rose to his feet. “Let’s head on back. I think I’ve said enough for one night, and I’m sure Sasha and Connie are eating the seats by now. Trust me, they’re ravenous beasts without food in their bellies.”

            Following him out of the office, all the happiness I had felt minutes ago seemed to spill right out of me, as if someone had yanked a plug loose. I kept thinking about Eren, and how he was always smiling, no matter what. He didn’t deserve to have this trip ruined for him just because I couldn’t pull it together, so I forced these thoughts away, and focused on how happy he made me. How he had given me my first kiss, which wasn’t clumsy or sloppy like I’d imagined it would be.

            When we reached the bus, I was a bit better, though my heart still hurt in that strange way where you knew it was all in your head, but you still couldn’t do anything about it.

            “Took you twelve years,” Jean hollered as I walked down the center aisle. I didn’t even react to him, or to Petra’s sympathetic look.

            Did she know?

            “Was it that bad?” Eren asked when I made it over to him. He patted the empty space beside him.

            I swallowed, determined to put an end to this. I wouldn’t ruin his night. “Not as bad as I thought, but you know how he can be.” I moved my hand like it was Pac-Man come to life. “He goes on and on.”

            He smiled, lifting his legs up as he swiveled in the seat. He draped them over my lap and I pressed my fingers into the roughness of his jeans. He was here. He was real, and it didn’t matter what he had, because I still wanted to be with him. “I got away with it,” he said, winking at me.

            “You did.” I grabbed his ankles, pulling him closer. “I think I should punish you for that.”

            Nile started up the engine, and like before, everyone started to talk at the same time, drowning out the sound my hand made as it roamed up Eren’s leg, the soft gasp that left his mouth in response, the telltale sound of my fingers wrapping around the front of my leather jacket that he wore. No one could hear me yank him forward, or the way our lips met with a needy breath. We were in our own little world that consisted of just the two of us.

            “How are you going to punish me?” Eren whispered against my lips.

            “You’ll have to wait and see.”

            At some point in time, Jean turned around in the seat in front of us, acting as though we weren’t practically on top of each other. “So,” he drawled, sounding bored, “where did you guys go earlier?”

            Eren sat up in a hurry and smoothed out his wrinkled shirt. “We went to see a movie at an old cinema. We bought you and Petra some toffee. Do you want it now?”

            “Do you really have to ask me that? Of course I want it.” He held his hand out expectantly, and Eren grabbed the box from a small nook that was in front of his oxygen cart. He placed it in Jean’s hand. “All is forgiven now.”

            I rolled my eyes. “Shut up and eat the toffee.”

            As Nile turned onto the main road, Eren said, “We are disrupting people’s lives with heavy doses of PDA.”

            “I-D-G-A-F,” I responded.

            He laughed fondly. “Hey, do you want to hear a secret?”

            “If it’s a secret about you, then yes.”

            Scooting closer to me, he said, “On my first day of school at Shiganshina High, I noticed you standing by your locker with Jean. At the time, I had no idea who you were, but on your way out, you passed me and you had this sharp look in your eyes. I can’t really explain it, but I thought, _I want him to look at me with those eyes, and I want him to really_ see _me._ I think I’ve liked you since that moment, even though you didn’t know I existed.”

            “I knew you existed,” I corrected. I hadn’t put any attention to him, because I was too busy counting down the days until I’d be able to leave, but I knew he existed.

            He shrugged. “You didn’t care that I existed, though. The day that Petra invited me to the bonfire, I was so nervous, because I knew that you were her best friend, so you’d be going with her. Still, I didn’t think it would lead to anything. I mean, a lot of girls’ like you, and you didn’t put any attention to them, so I thought I was out of luck.” He put his hand over mine, staring down at it with wonder. “Now, here we are.”

            “Here we are,” I repeated. “You know, once I did start paying attention to you, I was hooked. When I was loading your wheelchair into the back of Petra’s truck before we went to the beach, I couldn’t stop looking at you. I swear you have the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen.”

            “Is that why you were eyeballing me that day? I thought you noticed how _I_ was staring at _you._ ” He laughed, low, just for me. “You know those books you read, the ones where two teens like each other almost right away, and you think, ‘Wow, they’re so stupid. They don’t even know each other.’ I think those stories make a lot more sense to me now.”

            I tugged on his shoelace, yanking his foot up until it was resting on my leg. “Now that we’re the stupid ones?”

            “Yeah. I don’t feel stupid, though, but I’m sure we look like giddy idiots: smiling, laughing, kissing, and sporting hickeys on our necks. Not to mention that your hair looks absolutely crazy right now.” He ran his fingers through it a couple times, and I tried to purr like a cat, which made him giggle.

            “I don’t mind being stupid with you,” I confessed.

            “Good, ‘cause I don’t mind being stupid with you.”

            “Oh my god! I mind!” Jean blurted out of nowhere. I should’ve known he was eavesdropping. The bastard. “I think my ears are bleeding from all of the sappiness going on. You guys ran over the sap tree. Ow, fuck, Petra!” She had smacked him on the back of his head. “Shit. Were you attempting to rattle my brain, because I think you succeeded.”

            “I think you have to have a brain in order for it to get rattled around,” I told him.

            He shot around, hands wrapping around the top of the seat, but before he could even say anything, Petra said, “I happen to think it’s very cute. I wish I had someone I could be like that with.” At that, Jean’s eyes darted to her, and I could see that he was trying to hide his disappointment, but he couldn’t hide it from me. I knew him too well. I also knew that he had a thing for her, though he would never admit it, not even to himself.

            “Whatever,” Jean grumbled. “I tried to hook you up with Levi, but apparently he doesn’t swing that way.”

            I could’ve called him out on that, could’ve told him that the only reason he tried pushing Petra on me was to hide his own feelings for her, but I knew that would hurt him. He wouldn’t be able to deal with rejection from her, so I kept my mouth shut.

            “Levi is like my brother,” Petra said. “Even if he did swing that way, I wouldn’t ‘hook up with him,’ and I’m sure he feels the same way about me.”

            I did.

            Jean’s face fell, because he had known her just as long as I had. “Well, there’s always Reiner or Bertolt. Take your pick, baby. I’ll put in a good word for you.”

            Eren tapped on my shoulder inconspicuously, drawing my attention. When I looked over his way, he mouthed, “Does Jean like Petra?”

            I nodded, and then mouthed back, “He doesn’t want her to know though.”

            So we both sat there and watched him watch her as she gazed out the window. He looked like he was in pain, but I knew he would never confess his feelings, because he thought she deserved better than him. What he couldn’t see was that no one could love her the way he did. No one knew her the way he did, not even me. He had opened up to her, revealed every part of himself, and in return, she had done the same.

            “I’m not interested in them,” Petra said at last. “My goal is to graduate at the top of my class, and then get out of this town with you and Levi, remember?”

            He shrugged. “So? That doesn’t mean you can’t like someone in the meantime.”

            “I never said that I didn’t like someone, Jean. I just said that I wasn’t interested in dating.”

            Well, fuck. She had to go and say that, didn’t she?

            Jean looked like he had been punched in the gut, his eyes darting to take in all the guys on the bus. He was wondering which one of them she was talking about. “Yeah, okay.”

            Silence. No one spoke to break it, because what could we say?

            At long last, after minutes that felt like hours, we pulled into an IHOP parking lot. Eren kept fumbling with his oxygen tank, seeming nervous. I knew he felt awkward about the situation we had been put in against our will, but he’d see that Jean would play it off as if it hadn’t happened at all. He’d go back to joking, to laughing, and pining over Petra in secret.

            When the bus was parked, Jean was the first one out of his seat. He extracted a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. It was his dad’s last pack at the house, the one we agreed to smoke away as one final “fuck you,” to old man Kirstein, but I didn’t think I could do it anymore. Not with Eren right here beside me. Not when I knew that he was struggling to breathe, even now.

            “Eren,” Jean boomed. “I’m in need of your assistance. Meet me outside, my friend. I will wait for you.” He left without another word, and Eren gave me a sidelong glance, but was quick to follow after him. In turn, I followed after the both of them, because I had no idea what Jean was up to. In the mood he was in, he was capable of anything. I couldn’t let him smoke in front of Eren, or worse: offer him a cigarette.

            The wind whipped at my hair when I stepped off the bus, and I immediately reached out a hand to grab Eren’s oxygen tank, ignoring the questioning stare he shot me. “I thought you didn’t want to waste precious oxygen,” I said, hoping he couldn’t hear the worry in my voice.

            “Piggyback ride?” he asked with a smile.

            Relief flooded through me, because I thought he would get suspicious about my sudden concern. “Piggyback ride,” I confirmed, turning around so that he could hop on my back.

            We trailed after Jean, who was already booking it toward a bridge that went over a lake. By the time we caught up to him, he was busy aligning the remaining cigarettes on top of the railing. There were five left out of twelve. “In honor of me actually giving a damn about your uber shitty lungs, Eren, we’re going to toss these cancer sticks into the lake,” he told us, brown eyes taking in our reactions. “There are rules to this, because these aren’t just any cigarettes, you see. These are my dad’s. He loves them more than me, and this is his last pack. At my house, anyway. So, I want you to choose one carefully, whichever one calls out to you, and then I want you to shout, ‘fuck you for abandoning Jean,’ as you’re throwing it into the murky water below us.”

            Eren tapped on the side of my leg, and I eased him down onto his feet. Then he stepped up to the railing, eyed each cigarette through narrowed eyes, and picked one up that was towards the middle. He held it high above his head and shouted, “Fuck you for abandoning Jean, you piece of shit!” and then chucked it into the lake. We all watched it being dragged by the current until it disappeared from sight.

            “Hell yeah!” Jean roared, throwing his fist into the air. “I didn’t even know you were capable of cursing, so that was _the_ best. It was like hearing a child say ‘fuck’ for the first time. I’m so proud.” He turned to me. “Now it’s your turn, Levi.”

            Usually I wouldn’t have done something like this, finding it stupid and pointless, but I knew Jean needed it. So I picked up a cigarette, and thought of all the times I had watched Jean cry over his dad, of all the times his dad had showed up in town just to leave bruises on his face. I thought of the countless things Jean had done for attention just to receive none from the person he wanted it from the most. I thought about how much I hated that motherfucker for not caring about his son, who was pretty goddamn amazing. “He doesn’t need you anymore,” I said, speaking to a man that wasn’t there, who hadn’t been there in a long time, “and one day you’re going to realize what you threw away, but it’ll be too late. Jean already has a family, one that loves him unconditionally and is willing to do anything for him. So, fuck you ten times over for abandoning the best thing in your life.” I hurled the cigarette into the lake with finality, watching it drift off.

            “Goddamnit, Levi,” Jean said, blocking his eyes with his arm. “Just for the record, these aren’t tears. My eyes are just fucking dry, so of course my tear ducts activated on their own.”

            Eren reached back and grabbed my hand. He was looking at me like I was something amazing, but I had only been telling the truth.

            While Jean was busy playing off his tears as something entirely different, Petra had made her way over to us. She had been standing there long enough to catch the end of my speech, so it didn’t surprise me when she picked up a cigarette of her own. She stared at it for a long time before she said, voice low and cruel, “I hated you so much for hurting Jean. I hated how you tossed him aside like he was nothing, but more than anything, I hated how you couldn’t see how you were ruining him. But that’s in the past now, and he’s grown from those experiences. Every day he’s in my life, I am grateful, because without him, I would’ve given into my own demons. You don’t deserve him, so fuck you! Fuck you for all the pain you’ve ever caused him!” She threw the cigarette, tears coursing down her cheeks.

            Jean couldn’t even hide the fact that he was crying now. He didn’t seem to care anymore, because with a wobbly smile on his face, he pulled us all into a hug. “Let’s get married,” he said. “We’ll four way it up.”

            “Oh my god, Jean,” Petra muttered, sniffling. “Way to ruin the moment.”

            “Shh.” He stroked her hair. “It’s not ruined, baby, even though I can’t believe you guys made me cry. Hell must’ve frozen over today.”

            “Must’ve,” I said. “Now I think we should go inside IHOP, because it’s literally cold as fuck out here, and people are looking at us like we’re about to have an orgy.”

            Petra sighed. “It would have killed you guys to give me five minutes to enjoy this, right? Apparently basking in the moment is impossible for the two of you.”

            Eren chuckled all of a sudden.

            “What’s so funny?” Jean asked him.

            Eren pointed to the right of us. “Someone drew a dick on the railing. It’s monstrous. I noticed it right when we walked up, but I didn’t want to say anything.”

            Jean snorted. “Of course _you’d_ notice a dick, Eren. Jeez.”

            “Do you want to write something on it? A departing gift to the bridge that bore your pain?”

            “Like what?”

            Eren considered this, and then said, “Like, ‘my dad is a big, hairy dick.’”

            “Do you have a pen?” was Jean’s response to that.

            “I always have a pen.”

            Petra and I stood back as they stepped up to the railing. With pen in hand, Jean knelt down on one knee and wrote, in big block letters: MY DAD IS A BIG, GROTESQUE, HORRIBLY UGLY HAIRY DICK. HE ALSO CHOKED ON ONE AND DIED. THE BASTARD HAD IT COMING. He signed his name at the bottom, seeming proud of his handy word. Knowing Jean, he was.

            “There,” he said, standing up. He handed the pen back to Eren. “I feel liberated! Now let’s go get some food, because my hunger has returned full force, and at any second I will keel over from starvation.”

            As him and Petra strolled in the direction of the restaurant, I stayed behind with Eren, who looked thoughtful. I trailed my index finger down his spine until I reached his tailbone. Then I slipped my hand beneath his jacket and T-shirt, pressing my palm to the small of his back, feeling the warmth of his skin on mine. He shut his eyes, the corners of his mouth lifting up into a breathtaking smile.

            “I’m so happy that my dad chose to move to Shiganshina,” he said. “Out of all the small towns he could have picked, he picked the perfect one. I can’t even imagine being anywhere else but here. It feels like I stepped into a recurring dream, everything is new, yet familiar. I wish I could take a picture of this feeling, or draw it out on paper, but it’s impossible to capture emotions exactly as you feel them. I want to paint Shiganshina, though.”

            I wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my chin on his shoulder. “How will you paint it?”

            “Exactly as it is,” he whispered. “It’s all neutral colors: November rain, sea pearl, nutmeg brown, rhinestone.” He turned around in my arms. “But then you have the most vivid colors trapped within, beautiful and vibrant, hidden away from the naked eye. Once you find them, though, they’re all you can see.”

            “Hmm,” I hummed, leaning down to press my lips to the hickey I had given him earlier. “What color is my hair, paint wise?”

            He breathed out, “Licorice black.”

            “And my eyes?”

            He swallowed as I ran my lips over his Adam’s apple. “Gravel gray that’s mixed with a hint of blue.”

            “And the color of _your_ eyes?” I kissed a line to his collarbone.

            “Ocean green.”

            “That suits you, and that’s also my favorite color in the whole town of Shiganshina.”

            Eren didn’t say anything for a long time. We just stood there in each other’s arms, listening to the current of water beneath us. After a while, I listened to his irregular breathing, memorizing the uneven pattern of his breaths.

            “ ‘ _This is where I have always been coming to,’_ ” he whispered, voice so quiet it was barely there at all. _" ‘ Since time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and_ from _which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are_ now _, and those other times are running elsewhere_. _’_ ” He grabbed my hand and pressed it to his chest. “ _‘We can be quiet together, and pretend—since it is only the beginning—that we have all the time in the world.’_ ”

            I looked up at him, and tears clung to his lashes. “Eren—”

            “ _‘But every day we shall have less time. And then none.’_ ” He opened his eyes, nothing but sadness in them. “Promise me that we’ll pretend that we have all the time in the world, Levi.”

            We couldn’t run away from time. Eventually, it would catch up to us, but I would hide from it for as long as I could with this beautiful boy before me.

            “How bad are his lungs?” I had asked.

            _Why had I asked?_

            “Pretty bad, Levi,” Coach had answered.

            _Pretty bad._

_Pretty bad._

Bad enough to steal time from him?

            “I promise,” I whispered. “We’ll pretend our time is eternal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shhhhhh. All is well.  
> I had to address Eren's illness at some point, even though I've barely touched base. Remember, there will be sad times, but trust in me. *hypnotizes you to trust in me* Also, sorry if you don't like the idea of Jean liking Petra, but I thought it was super cute. If you could see it the way I see it, you'd understand.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and pushing that kudos button! If you leave me comments, even knowing that I may not respond to them (because sometimes I forget), then I love you. Comments give me strength. You faithful readers give me strength. ❤
> 
> Quote at the end (the one Eren says) is from the book _Possession_ by A.S. Byatt
> 
> Random facts time, since I get asked these questions, which I'm about to provide you answers to, quite a bit:  
> 1) Call me Trish. Say it aloud. Yes, that's me. :)  
> 2) My pronouns are her/she  
> 3) I update within a week. I try to update sooner, but sometimes I can't. Thank you to those who understand this. <3


	9. Black Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Hopelessly, I'll give you everything_   
>  _But I won't give you up_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fanart has been bestowed upon me! You can view it [here.](https://instagram.com/p/4uG2b1FIgI/) It's so ridiculously cute, I can't handle it. Just look at him. Look at that little cute boy. ♡
> 
> Anywho, go on and read. :)

Eren’s time was sand in an hourglass, and that day on the bridge, he had turned that hourglass over. Now, every minute was accounted for, tiny grains of sand that, when put together, added up. I didn’t want to think about how much time he had left, so I did what he asked of me: I pretended that we had all the time in the world.

            For the next week, we floated through the remaining days of school until it was graduation night. Unlike every other senior at Shiganshina High, I wasn’t going to be walking the graduation stage. Movies about teenagers always made it seem like every senior was excited about walking with their fellow students, but refused to shine a light on people like me: the people who’d rather get their diploma mailed to them.

            So, on graduation night, our little gang sat in Petra’s living room, watching an exceptionally boring movie that she had insisted on watching. Not that I was even paying attention to it. Eren was sitting by the fireplace, drawing something on brown cardstock paper. Various colored pencils were scattered around him, but all I saw was his intense expression. He looked concentrated: eyebrows drawn together, eyes slightly narrowed, lips set into a thin line. I wanted to go sit behind him and bury my face in the crook of his neck.

            After another failed attempt at focusing my attention on the TV screen, I stood up and went over to where he sat. He flipped the cardstock over when he saw me coming his way, but didn’t say anything as I settled down behind him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and turned my head to rest my cheek in between his shoulder blades. I hugged him close, letting his familiar scent wash over me. It comforted me in ways nothing else could.

            “You can keep on drawing,” I said. “I won’t look.”

            He tipped his head back onto my shoulder, turning his face toward my neck. “No, it’s okay. I need a break, anyway. My legs are all stiff.” He stretched them out in front of him, and I reached around to rub circles onto the tops of his thighs. “Also, I want a snack. I get really snack-y when I draw.”

            I smiled against his black shirt, because how could someone be this cute? “What sort of snack did you have in mind?”

            “I want an oatmeal bar.”

            Petra didn’t have oatmeal bars. “Are you up for making a trip to the grocery store?”

            “That depends: Will I be considered a bad boyfriend for making you go all the way to the grocery store just for oatmeal bars?”

            “No,” I said, propping my chin up on his shoulder, “because I’m willing to go to the grocery store, if that’s what you want.”

            “I’m barfing out rainbows over here,” Jean declared from the couch. “Are you guys aiming for nauseatingly cute, or what? But if you’re going to the store, I’m coming with, because I want chips, cookies, and a soda. Basically anything that can guarantee me a heart attack at the age of twenty-five. That’s my goal in life right now. Don’t judge me.”

            Petra shut off the TV with a sigh. “We’ll all go. That movie sounded a lot more interesting than it turned out to be, and Jean, you’re _not_ getting all that junk food.”

            “What? Why not? Can I at least get Twix ice cream?” He stood up and pulled her to her feet.

            “Why not?” she repeated in a condescending tone. “It’s unhealthy, that’s why not, and I won’t have you dying at twenty-five, or battling diabetes.”

            As they continued to bicker, Eren looked at me and whispered, “They argue like a married couple.”

            “I know,” I said. “I have to listen to it all the time.”

            He turned around and lifted himself up onto his knees. “Does this mean that I shouldn’t feel too bad about all the times they overheard us kissing?”

            “Hell no you shouldn’t feel bad. Kiss me right now.”

            With a grin, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. “I could kiss you for forever.”

            “I’m not sure I believe you,” I whispered, grabbing his chin between thumb and forefinger to make eye contact. “You’re going to have to prove yourself.”

            As he leaned in to do just that, Jean turned toward us with an oh-god-not-this-again look. He waited for us to move apart, but when we didn’t, he said, “Am I going to have to start carrying around a bottle of cold water everywhere I go? Apparently you guys need to be broken apart like dogs in heat.”

            Eren laughed at that, soft and low, right before he gently bit down on my bottom lip. He stared into my eyes as he did it, which was so incredible, I almost moaned. I thought he was going to stop after that, just a simple tease to get Jean back for that comment, but he surprised the both of us when his tongue darted out to coax my lip into his mouth. He gave a harsh suck on it, those unbelievable eyes never leaving mine, and if he did that again, I would not have the presence of mind to care that Jean and Petra were in the same room as us. They could watch, for all I care.

            “I think that’s our cue to wait out in the truck,” said Jean with a slight cough.

            “I think you’re right,” Petra agreed.

            Then they were gone, nothing more than rushed footsteps and tightly shut doors that left me alone with Eren in the living room.

            Instead of saying anything about their quick departure, Eren continued to suck on my bottom lip. I couldn’t think past how amazing it felt, so when the tip of his tongue slid from my lip to the inside of my mouth, all I could do was react. A soft noise caught between a moan and a gasp rose in my throat before I could even think to control it. We hadn’t done this before, and I don’t think he fully understood what he was doing to me, how he was making me a complete mess with the simple action of running his tongue along mine.

            My body snapped out of paralysis when he climbed onto my lap. I quickly put my hands on his hips and brushed aside the hem of his shirt with my thumbs. His skin felt incredibly warm against my palms. An image of him shirtless, sitting by the fireplace after the bonfire, came to the forefront of my mind. He was thin, lithe like a panther, but his chest had been well defined. I wanted to touch him, feel every line and curve of his body with my hands, lips, and tongue.

            “We should go,” he whispered, but pressed his palm against the back of my neck, keeping me in place.

            “Please tell me you’re kidding.”

            “I’m not.” He played with the collar of my shirt before he slipped his hand beneath it, fingertips roaming over my back. “Petra and Jean are waiting outside in the truck for us.”

            I pulled him closer to me. “Does it look like I give a damn?”

            “Mm, no, but it’s my fault that they’re out there,” he said. “I’m the one that wanted oatmeal bars, so, rain check?”

            “You do realize that you’re killing me, right?”

            “As long as you realize that I’ll make it up to you.” He stood up after giving one last nip to my lip, eyeing his wheelchair the whole way. He didn’t want to take it, that much I knew already, but he didn’t have much of a choice. After what Coach Smith told me on the Trost trip, I wasn’t taking any chances. I was a hardcore mother hen when it came to this shit, because I didn’t want him to strain himself when he didn’t have to.

            So, before he could give me those puppy eyes that made me want to give him anything he wanted, I got to my feet and picked him up. Then I tossed him onto the couch. “Put your shoes on,” I told him when he righted himself. “I’ll take your wheelchair out to the truck.”

            “Are you coming back in to get me?” He grabbed one of his sneakers and tugged it onto his foot.

            “Yes, I’m coming back in for you, so don’t get on those feet, or I’ll chew them off.”

            Eren laughed, lifting his foot up to wiggle it at me. “Want me to put some seasoning on it? Make it tasty for you?”

            “Yeah. Why don’t you grill it for me while you’re at it?” I snatched his foot up. “You’re such a smart ass. If you weren’t so cute, I’d give you a good smack on the back of the head.”

            He grinned. “It’s a good thing you think I’m cute then, huh?”

            “Yeah, consider yourself lucky.”

            I folded up his wheelchair and pushed it out of the living room. Outside, the night was dark and bitterly cold. Petra’s truck headlights illuminated a small patch of road ahead, the moon nothing but a pale orb overhead that was covered by a lining of thick clouds. I looked up at it as I walked down the driveway, watching the clouds slowly move to the right. Still, it remained hidden behind them, and that made me think of Eren: How he was like the moon, beautiful and bright, yet concealed by his sickness. Despite that, he had affected me: I was the ocean tide that had been influenced by his gravitational pull.

            As I put his wheelchair into the bed of the truck, Jean pushed open the passenger side door. “Should we put condoms on our shopping list? I’m promoting safe sex, you should be proud.”

            “I’ll be proud when you can stay quiet for longer than five seconds,” I told him. “We just started going out, Jean. We don’t need condoms.”

            He put his hand on his chest. “Such a gentleman. I raised you right.”

            “If you raised me, I would’ve lost my virginity a long time ago.”

            “That’s not true,” he said. “I mean, look at me. I’m sixteen and still a virgin.”

            I shot him a look, because we both knew the reason behind that. “I wonder why that is.”

            “Because most people can’t handle all of this.” _This_ being his body, as he demonstrated when he ran a hand down his chest and stomach. “It’s too much to take in.”

            “Yeah, that’s why all right.” It had nothing to do with the girl currently sitting behind the steering wheel. “I’ll be back out in a minute. I just have to go in and get Eren.”

            Inside the house, Eren was drawing again. When he heard me behind him, he whirled around and said, “Close your eyes.” I shut my eyes. “I know you don’t want to celebrate graduating high school, but, well, this isn’t really celebrating it. I wanted to draw you something.” He slipped the cardstock into my hand. “ ‘ _Quand il me prend dans ses bras, Il me parle tout bas, je vois la vie en rose_ ’. ‘When he takes me in his arms, and speaks to me softly, I see the world through rose-colored glasses’. Congratulations on graduating, Levi. You can open your eyes now.”

            I did, and the cardstock paper I was holding had been transformed into the landscape one first saw when entering Shiganshina. Everything was pale, washed out, but I had been drawn in saturated colors that stood out, a vivid blot against the almost colorless background. I looked so life-like on that piece of paper it was incredible. “Eren, it’s—” I couldn’t find the words. I was terrible at expressing myself.

            “Is it awful?” he asked, voice soft.

            “What? No! It’s amazing. _You’re_ amazing. Just…” I grabbed his face and kissed him over and over again. “I suck at words, and for that I’m sorry, because you deserve to be told beautiful things.” I kissed him one more time. “Thank you.”

            He encircled my neck with his arms. “I want to draw the world for you.”

            In my chest, my heart did this odd thing that made my breath quicken. I wanted to tell him that he was already drawing the world for me just by being here, that he was painting my world in bright, intense colors that made even the plainest things stand out. Yet, all I said was, “Stay with me, Eren.”

            “Until the stars burn out,” he replied.

            There were so many things I wanted to say, but instead I lifted him up into my arms and wondered how someone like him could’ve made their way into my life. He burned bright like a fire, and I was in the midst of it, being consumed.

 

(x)

 

Going to the grocery store with Jean was proving to be the worst mistake of the night. He kept sneaking food into the cart when Petra wasn’t looking, but she never failed to turn around the second he did to take out the offending snacks. If he kept this up, we’d be here the whole night. I lost count of how many times Petra had put back the Twix ice cream he kept on grabbing from the freezer section.

            “Let’s go over there,” Eren said, pointing to the bakery.

            Relieved to get away from Jean, who was complaining about the rice cakes Petra had picked out (according to him, they were way too dry to be considered a good sit-down snack), I pushed Eren over to the curved glass display case that held endless amounts of pastries, cakes, and breads. He eyed them all, and the expression he wore was worth me having to smell the overwhelming scent of pumpkin. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the occasional sweet, but I preferred bland foods.

            “Hey look,” he exclaimed in excitement. “It’s a Japanese strawberry shortcake. It looks so fancy.” He glanced at me over his shoulder, appearing serious. “I want it.”

            I couldn’t contain the chuckle that burst through my lips. “You look so serious right now.”

            “I am so serious right now,” he said. “I want the whole thing.”

            “Then I’ll get it for you.”

            After I bought the cake from Sasha, who worked at the bakery over the summer, we went back to the aisle Petra and Jean had been in last. Like I expected, they were still there, but they weren’t arguing anymore. Judging by the carton of Twix ice cream in the cart, Petra had finally given into him, which always happened in the end. They were more like a married couple than Eren knew. One day they would realize that they were perfect for each other.

            “Cake?” Jean questioned when he saw it sitting in Eren’s lap.

            “Mhm,” Eren responded, grinning. “It’s not just any cake. It’s a Japanese strawberry shortcake.”

            Jean looked up at me and I shrugged. “Whatever you say. Now, let’s go off in a whole other direction, because I am tired of watching Petra pick out food that looks like a bird would eat it.”

            “It’s granola!” Petra shot back, but Jean was already pushing Eren down the aisle. “I swear he won’t eat anything that even remotely resembles something healthy. If I weren’t force-feeding him nutritious shakes in the morning, he would literally run on coffee and donuts. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

            I smirked, because she was oblivious to the way she spoke about Jean. “It’s nothing.” Turning toward the store shelves, I scanned the several different types of oatmeal bars. Not knowing which kind Eren wanted, I grabbed one of each. “I can see that smile. Stop it.”

            “You really like him, don’t you?”

            “Yeah, a lot,” I admitted. “It’s sort of freaking me out.”

            She put her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t let it freak you out. He’s wonderful, Levi: kind, caring, strong, and creative. Not to mention that he stares at you like you’re the sun.”

            I could feel my cheeks burn in response to that last statement, so I glared at her for a long time, but she just kept on smiling. “I don’t know what he sees in me.”

            “Don’t give me that,” she said. “Don’t be so self-deprecating, Levi. Just because you used to get into trouble doesn’t mean anything. I know you. You’re a good person. In my opinion, Eren lucked out. I know that you’ll treat him well.”

            She wasn’t wrong. I would treat him the way he deserved to be treated, but my past still plagued me. An uncle that had gone missing years before, leaving me behind to become a mini version of him. It took me a long time to break free of his image, to become the person that I was today. If it weren’t for Jean and Petra sticking with me through it all, I would’ve ended up just like Kenny. I owed them everything, and now, standing here in this grocery store carrying a box of banana nut oatmeal bars, I came to the sudden realization that there was nowhere else I wanted to be.

            Shiganshina was my home, had been my entire life. I shunned it for years, blaming it for everything that went wrong in my life, but it wasn’t this town that had done me wrong. The man responsible for that was long gone, and for the first time, I hoped it would stay that way.

            “Let’s go find Jean and Eren,” I said.

            We found them in the party supply aisle. Jean had ripped open a packet of _Alice in Wonderland_ stickers to decorate the back of Eren’s wheelchair. The Cheshire Cat now graced each handgrip, while The Mad Hatter, Alice, and the White Rabbit were stuck near the wheels, a stack of teacups hovering above them.

            “I left you for five minutes,” I said.

            Jean stepped up to me and pressed a sticker of the Caterpillar to the front of my jacket. “There you go, baby. Now you fit right in.”

            I was about to make a smart remark when a girl that went to our school – What was her name again? Mina? – spotted us and immediately went up to Petra to invite her to a party at Ymir’s house. Apparently everyone was there. Reiner had snuck in booze on account of it being the night of graduation, so everyone was as drunk as skunks, which didn’t sound appealing whatsoever. I would never understand how people willingly surrendered their control to gulp down a couple beers.

            “You should come,” Mina (or whatever her damn name was) said. “Not all of us are drunk. Some of us are playing games. It’s been fun so far, Petra. Come on.”

            Petra looked over at me and I shook my head. “I’m not going, but if you want to go, that’s fine.”

            “I’ll go with,” Jean offered.

            “Okay,” Petra said. “We’ll go over for a little while, see how it is.”

            Mina smiled. “Great! If you want, you can ride back with me. Save Levi the trouble of having to drop you off.”

            “That sounds like a good idea,” Petra agreed. Then she turned to Eren. “Do you want to come with?”

            He shook his head, reaching back to grab my hand. “No, I’m good.”

            “Of course you’re good,” Jean stated with a snort. “Don’t worry. I won’t take too long. I know how you’ll miss me. It’s hard not to.”

            Eren made a remark in some foreign language before he said, in English, “Yes, I will miss you sticking _Alice in Wonderland_ stickers on my wheelchair.”

            “Damn right you will.” Then he threw his arm over Petra’s shoulders and they left us there with a cart full of groceries.

            I eyed the cart with sheer contempt. “I am considering leaving it right where it is.”

            “My oatmeal bars are in there,” Eren said. “We can’t leave it behind. We must save them.”

            “Ugh, fine. But you owe me for having to interact with the cashier.”

            Half an hour later, after I loaded up the groceries in the truck, and Eren was sitting comfortably in the passenger seat, I slid behind the steering wheel. We had to go back to Petra’s house to put away the groceries, but the night was ours. It stretched out before us in endless possibilities. There were plenty of things that I wanted to do with him, things that didn’t consist of our lips pressed together, though that was always amazing. I just liked being with him, even in silence.

            I started up the engine and Eren walked his fingers across the bench seat until they slid in between mine. He scooted closer to me, erasing the distance between us.

            It was hard to believe that not even a month ago, my only desire had been to escape this town. That want had evaporated into thin air, as though it never existed at all. Everything around me, from the familiar scent of the interior of Petra’s truck, to the recognizable streets I drove passed, seemed precious somehow. Almost like I was seeing and feeling everything for the first time, a new page in my book of life.

            “What are you thinking?” I asked, because I wanted to know what was going on in that mind of his.

            “How we are remaking our world together. How the sun has become _our_ sun, and the moon shines down on only us, and how I only draw for you, write for you, because I am a creature of my pen and you have become my source of ink.” He sighed. “I think in poetic words. Does that annoy you?”

            I lifted our interlocked fingers to my mouth, pressing my lips against the top of his hand. “No. I like it. Though I’ll never understand how I inspire you. I’m plain, a small town boy with no ambition.”

            “I will crash this car right now,” Eren said. “I’ve been to many different cities, Levi—big, small, pretty, ugly. There were beautiful people there: girls’ with their noses in a book, boys’ out playing basketball with their friends. I felt so disconnected from them, completely other. They were in a whole different world than I was. Then I came here and everything made sense. Then, I saw you, and I knew without a doubt that you were the one person that I’d gladly let break my heart.”

            I looked at him. “I won’t break your heart.”

            “You will,” he whispered. “And I’ll break yours. _C’est la vie._ That’s life.”

            “Can I just—Can you—” I pulled over to the side of the road, and the moment the truck was parked, I was kissing him. His lips parted beneath mine, his breath on my tongue, in my mouth. I couldn’t understand how someone could be this irresistible. Thousands of songs had been written, but none described him accurately. “Break my heart. I’ll let you.”

            His eyes were closed, a perfect portrait of a beautiful, sad boy. “You’ll regret saying that one day.”

            “I won’t,” I whispered. “I’d willingly let you ruin me for any other.”

            “Some of the damage I’ll cause will be permanent.”

            I leaned back to gaze at him. “Eren—”

            Pressing his fingers to my lips to silence me, he said, “I am selfish. If I were stronger, I’d let you go, but when it comes to you, I’m weak. I will take everything you are and make it my own. I will steal every moment of happiness, because I’m afraid to go back to the way things were before I met you. I was empty and alone, and now that I’ve come to know this feeling that has chased away my sadness, I don’t want to give it up.”

            “You don’t have to, because I don’t want to give it up, either.”

            Eren stared at me like I had just given him permission to hurt me, and then his lips were back on mine, hungry and possessive. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling his skin beneath my fingertips as I cupped his face. No part of me regretted this. It didn’t matter what was yet to come, because I was just as selfish as he was. I wanted him. I was hopeless against fighting it.

            So, as I leaned back and stared into those eyes that held all the answers I needed to hear, I said to him, “They say that the most beautiful thing to you will eventually destroy you, but I don’t think I’d mind being destroyed by you, Eren.”

            We were two pieces in a puzzle that weren’t meant to be connected. Yet, somehow, we fit together perfectly, creating a black hole that neither of us could escape from.

            But even if I could escape it, if I were given that choice, I wouldn’t take it.

            So when Eren whispered, “Take me somewhere we can be alone,” I decided that I wasn’t only going to pretend that we had all the time in the world. I was going to live like tomorrow didn’t exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys know that this story was not only inspired by _my_ shitty lungs (I have a lung condition similar to Eren's in this fic--in case you didn't know)? but also by my own love story? YES!  
>  I have been with the same guy for the past 10 years, so don't tell me high school crushes don't survive, because I am living proof that they do. So, this story is sort've based on the love and relationship that I have with my one and only. Obviously, it's different, but in many ways, it's the same.
> 
> By the way, if you haven't noticed: Levi is bad with words. I find it cute, because his thought process is very unique and beautiful, yet he spits out "shit" and "fuck" quite a bit. xD
> 
> I feel like I'm talking in riddles. I'm sorry. I got zero sleep last night. 
> 
> Also, I promise next chapter will have more happiness. I'll chuck that happy fluff in your face. I swear! :)  
> Whispers, "And I'm happy I made some people ship Jean x Petra in this fic." *winks before walking away*
> 
> So, before I ramble on and on, let me thank you for reading! Let me thank those that commented, who will continue to comment, and leave me love. ❤


	10. We're Converging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen or dreamed about_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, once again. This took a bit longer to update, but you know, life got in the way. 
> 
> So, I won't keep you for long. Go read. :)

Back when we were kids, Jean used to have this obsession with forts. He liked the idea that something manmade could protect him from his enemies. I didn’t understand why that was until the day he showed up at school with bruises on his face.

            Jean never told me that his dad was abusing him. He didn’t have to. The way his eyes filled with fear whenever his dad came into a room was enough for me to put two and two together. So, one day after school, when his dad was off at the only bar in town, I built him a fort made out of blankets. At the time, I had no idea that it would become his safe haven, his place to go to whenever his dad came home reeking of alcohol. All I wanted, in that moment, was to make him something that would protect him from anything.

            The fort still stood to this day, though the blankets had been changed throughout the years. Jean refused to take it down, and got upset whenever I mentioned doing it myself. Petra told me the reason behind that was because the fort had been like his lighthouse when he was a kid, his beacon in the distance that would help him avoid danger.

            If I didn’t cry like a damn baby when she told me that. Not that Jean ever found out about it. Hell no. I’d rather chew off my own limb, but after that day, I never pestered him to take it down.

            Now, on this Friday night when everyone else in this town was off celebrating, I stood in front of the fort carrying Eren. For some reason, when he asked me to take him someplace we could be alone, I thought about the fort, and how it served as a sanctuary, a place to hide away.

            That’s what I wanted, a place to hide away with him.

            “This is kind of romantic,” Eren whispered in my ear as I set him down on his feet.

            A while back, Petra had hung white Christmas lights inside the fort that I plugged in before bringing him in. They were the only lights on in the whole house. I knew he’d like it, but I was also _trying_ to be romantic, which was so unlike me, it felt bizarre.

            “Do you like it?” I asked. My voice sounded foreign to me, a squeaky mess that was embarrassing to think about.

            He turned to me, face softly lit by the lights. He was so fucking beautiful. “I love it, Levi. Let’s go inside.”

            I was so nervous; my heart was pounding as though its sole purpose was to escape my chest. This would be the first time I was alone with him without Jean or Petra around to interrupt us, and we still had hours to go before he had to be home. I wanted to gather him up in my arms and keep him there forever, to extend the night until the ocean shrunk to a drop.

            Eren pushed his hand into my palm, flexing his fingers out so I could spread mine apart. He pulled me under the haven of cream-colored blankets. Inside, the floor was covered in a thick, white quilt that was topped with several throw pillows that he pushed to the side in order to be able to sit down cross-legged in the middle of the fort. Once I was settled beside him, he leaned to the side and unplugged the lights.

            Immediately, we were cocooned in darkness, the only sound being our breathing.

            “ ‘ _Character, like a photograph, develops in darkness_ ,’ ” Eren whispered before he slid his hand under the front of my shirt.  “I want to see how you act when no one other than me is looking.”

            I couldn’t even move. His fingertips skimmed over my stomach, up to my chest, and then down to the waistband of my jeans. My brain felt as if someone had reached in there and turned it off, leaving me to my own devices. Is this how he wanted me?

            Unsure of what to do, I let him take me apart, piece by piece.

            As he pushed my shirt up, he leaned closer to me, lips fluttering across my throat as he said, “I want to know your body as well as I know my own. Do I have your permission to do that?” He tugged on my top suggestively, and I answered him by lifting my arms up. The fabric whispered across my skin, raising goose bumps in its wake until he pulled it off of me completely. “ _Verweile doch, du bist so schön._ ”

            “Hm?” That didn’t sound French.

            “Stay awhile. You are so beautiful.”

            “Is that what that”—he pulled on my hair gently, making me meet his eyes—“meant?”

            “ _Ja_. Yes. It was German.”

            Suddenly, as I put my hand over his, his fingers pressing into my bare chest, I was glad that I hadn’t been with anyone before. No one else compared to him. He was the brilliant spark that had ignited my life with color. If someone were to paint the expanse of my life up until I met Eren, the colors would be desaturated, mainly grey with a few specks of unmistakable color (Petra and Jean). Then, you would have him, vivacious and dynamic, replacing the grey with every word he spoke. Even if we didn’t stay together for long, one would always be able to see him there, because he had left his mark on me.

            “How many languages do you know?” I asked, breathless.

            “I know a little of everything.” He pressed his lips to my collarbone. “ _Te deseo._ That’s Spanish for, ‘I want you.’”

            I swallowed. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone as much as I want you.”

            “ ‘ _Pain or love or danger makes you real again.’ ”_ He looked up at me. “Levi, touch me. I want you to.”

            Whenever I used to think about how my first sexual experience would go, I always imagined something fast, sloppy, and hard; something that would be embarrassing to think about after I got off. Never, not once, did I picture it like how it turned out to be: slow, almost reverent, every caress and kiss as intense as pain—beautiful pain, unforgettable pain. I wanted to drown in him.

            Our clothes came off in unhurried movements, our eyes roaming and memorizing one another’s body. Although I was incredibly happy, there was an acute pain building up inside of me that was hard to ignore. I didn’t want to think about the days that he wouldn’t be here, that I wouldn’t be able to touch him, kiss him, or see his smile. When that time came, I knew the pain I would experience would be far greater than any pain I’d ever known before. It would be agony.

            As we fell back onto the quilt, a tangle of limbs and harsh breaths, I wondered how I would be able to live without this. There was no one out there in the world like him. Would I spend the rest of my life trying to replace him? Taking lovers that resembled him in one way or another?

            “I won’t be able to forget you,” I confessed in a hushed voice. _How much time did he have left?_ “I don’t want to.”

            “I am becoming a permanent stain on your skin, one that you will attempt to scrub away, but no amount of water or soap will free you of it. But, one day, you will learn to live with it.” He wrapped his arms around my neck. “Don’t think about that. Stay with me, here, now.”

            His tongue was hot in my mouth as my hand journeyed down his stomach, feeling taut muscles beneath my palm that sent a desperate flash of desire through me. When my fingers pressed to the skin of his pelvis, I looked into his eyes, waiting for confirmation. I could feel him trembling beneath me, small quakes that traveled through his body into mine.

            “Don’t stop,” he said. “Make me forget how it was to be without you.”

            I’d never touched anyone like this before. I’d imagined it many times, with many different people, but reality was far sweeter. It wasn’t loud moans, sharp tugs, and aggressive touching. It was Eren’s lips parting on a soft intake of breath as my fingers lightly grazed that part of him. It was the choked sound that escaped him, his eyes squeezing shut. It was me watching him intently, craving every reaction, and yearning for him in a way that wasn’t only sexual.

            I moved over him, surprised at how much I loved the feel of him in my hand. “I want to see you,” I whispered against his neck, voice gruff. “I can only see so much in the dark.”

            Eren’s arms tightened around me before he reached over to plug the Christmas lights back in. The dim light filtered into the fort and I unintentionally let out a low groan, because his body was perfect in every way. I traced the line of muscle that ran down his chest and stomach. Then, I leaned down and touched my lips right beneath his ribcage, feeling every breath as he took it.

            Sliding his fingers into my hair, he whispered, “Will you look at me the same in December as you do in May?”

            “I’ll look at you the same as long as you’ll let me look at you,” I replied, kissing his hip.

            “Then, until I no longer exist. Now come here.”

            I leaned up, our bodies intertwining, legs tangling together, hands wandering and feeling. I was so consumed with it all, that I hardly noticed when he wrapped his legs around my waist. It was only when his erection rubbed against mine that my attention was steered downward.

            Fuck.

            I ached. Every part of me ached.

            “Levi,” Eren breathed, back arching off the floor. He sounded desperate.

            I rolled my hips forward experimentally and the broken noise that left him had me doing it again. Soon, we were both frantic, all the calmness I had felt seconds ago gone in the blink of an eye. I needed him so badly it hurt, which deepened almost painfully when he looked up at me with those eyes that made me want to re-write the world for him.

            He looked messy, perfect. His cheeks were flushed, lips kiss-swollen and parted, body covered in a light sheen of sweat. Goddamnit. I wasn’t going to last much longer, especially when he wrapped his hand around our cocks, increasing the friction.

            My whole body was attuned to his. Whenever his hips moved, mine responded in counterpart. When he leaned up, hungry for a kiss, I was already there, lips moving over his, alive with want. I was lost in him, overwhelmed with pleasure, surrounded by his scent and the sweet sounds he was making.

            He stroked us faster, eyes squeezing shut when he came on a gasp. Feeling him beneath me, trembling and hot to the touch, I followed straight after, completely oblivious to any sounds that I made. I couldn’t think past how good it felt, being here above him, lost in his intense stare. It was only afterwards, when both of us collapsed back onto the quilt, that I thought about how I must’ve sounded and looked.

            I turned onto my side to face him. “Please tell me I didn’t sound like a dying walrus.”

            Eren chuckled, turning his head to look at me. “If dying walruses sounded super sexy, then yes, you did.” He reached out his hand, fingertips sliding over my cheekbone. “You’ll come to learn that I find everything you do beautiful.”

            “I honestly don’t know what you see in me,” I whispered, putting my hand over his, sighing when his palm pressed against my cheek. “But, I’m glad that you see whatever it is you see.”

            He moved his hand down to brush his thumb over my lips. “So, the saying is true then? We are our own worst critics.” He kissed me, keeping his lips pressed to mine as he said, “I’ve never known anyone like you. When you walk into a room, the rest of the world becomes muted, because all I see is you and your brilliance. _Quédate conmigo,_ Levi _._ Stay with me until the sun dies and destroys the Earth in its final act.”

            “I’m going to need longer than that,” I told him. He smiled, but it quickly turned into something sad. “Don’t, Eren. Don’t think about that when you’re with me. Our time is eternal, remember?”

            “I remember.”

            “Earlier, at Petra’s house, I asked you to stay with me. I meant that. Stay with me in the present. Don’t think about the future. It’s not here yet, and when it becomes our present, then we’ll face it together.”

            He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. “And you wonder what I see in you. You’re amazing, Levi.”

            I held him in silence until his grip loosened around my neck. Then, I lay him back and brushed a lock of hair off his forehead, just looking at him. I could’ve stayed like that for the rest of the night, mapping out the features of his face, but I had to clean him up. So, reluctantly, I left the fort to go into the bathroom.

            The inside of Jean’s bathroom still smelled of cigarettes, even when his dad had been gone for months now. This used to be his favorite place to smoke. I tried my best to ignore the smell, the memories it brought with it, and flicked on the light, catching sight of myself in the mirror. My hair was a wild mess that I didn’t bother to smooth out. No one but Eren was here to see it, and I didn’t mind if he did.

            Picking up what I’d need, I went back out into the living room to find him still asleep. I knelt down next to him, mindful of where I placed my knee, and started to wipe his stomach with the washcloth I’d grabbed. When I was through, I set everything off to the side, for once not caring about the mess.

            “Mm, hurry up,” Eren mumbled sleepily, startling me. He held his arms out. “Come lay with me.”

            Leaning over him, I unplugged the lights and then curled up next to him. I listened to the sound of his breathing for a long time before I mustered up the courage to ask, “If you could recite a poem, or a quote right now, what would it be?” in a tiny voice, barely recognizable.

            It took him a while to answer, long enough to make me think that he had fallen back asleep, but finally he said, “ ‘Not there but here, / (He whispers) only here, / As we are, here, together, now and here, / Always you and I. / Counting the beats, / Counting the slow heart beats, / The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats, / Wakeful they lie.’”

            The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats…

            “Do you want to know what _I’d_ say? Me?” he asked in a whisper. “Without all the poems to make my words sound beautiful?”

            “Yes.”

            “I’d say that I’m falling in love with you, Levi.”

            I let out a small, shaky breath. “I’m falling in love with you, too, Eren.”

            We held onto each other, two boys consumed in the artificial darkness created by a fort that meant everything to my best friend when he was a child. I only had one thought in my head before drifting off to sleep: _Time is nothing. Grant us a miracle._

 

(x)

 

Sometime during the night, I woke up to the sound of movement. I quickly looked to the side, but Eren was still pressed up against me, fast asleep. That meant that someone was here, in the house, and I hoped that it was Jean and not his dad.

            I sat up, slipping out from beneath the quilt to pull on my boxers. I didn’t bother putting on the rest of my clothes, because if it _was_ Jean’s dad, I didn’t have time to.

            Leaving the warmth of the fort, I followed the sound into the kitchen. I released a sigh of relief when I saw Petra and Jean sitting around the dining table. When they spotted me, Jean held up a bag and said, “We called Grisha. It was close to Eren’s curfew, so we asked if he could spend the night. Obviously he said yes, so we brought your boy some essentials.”

            I took the bag from him, opening it up to see a toothbrush, a set of clothes, and Eren’s cannula. “Did you guys go and pick this stuff up?”

            “Yep,” Petra said. “His dad wanted us to get his oxygen tank, so we decided to grab other things while we were there.”

            “Grisha wasn’t home?”

            “Nah,” Jean replied. “He was called into the clinic to deal with something, so we had to go pick up the keys to his place.”

            I felt a rush of gratitude for their thoughtfulness. “Thanks.” That was the best I could do, because I was horrible with words, but they already knew that.

            “We’ll get out of your hair in a minute,” Petra said.

            I waved her off. “You can stay.”

            Jean lifted an eyebrow. “You sure? You look a tad bit underdressed.”

            “Shut up right now,” I warned.

            Petra smiled up at me. “We’ll leave, Levi. It’s fine. You and Eren deserve some alone time.”

            I dropped my eyes. “Okay.”

            After Jean finished off the bowl of cereal he had been eating, they walked to the front door, with me right beside them. As Petra slipped out onto the front porch, Jean turned to me and said, “Hey, can I ask you a sappy question?”

            I eyed him. “Sure.”

            “Your happy, right? I mean, with Eren? I’m only asking because before he came into your life, you weren’t happy about being in this town.” He shrugged, looking at anything but me. “I’m just wondering, that’s all.”

            “I’m happy, Jean. I mean that.”

            His gaze finally met mine. “That’s good. I wouldn’t want you to be unhappy, because, you know”—he scratched at the back of his head—“I care about you, Levi.”

            I cracked a smile, just for him. “That’s not what you really wanted to say.”

            “Ugh,” he muttered. “I love you, okay? You’re like my brother. I just want you to be happy. Now let’s never speak of this again. In fact, I’m leaving.”

            Before he could take a step, I pulled him into a hug. “Since we’re never speaking of this again, I guess I can say that I love you, too.” I held him for a long moment, taking in his familiar scent, and then I added in a playful tone, “Now get out of my face.”

            “Yeah, whatever, fucker.” He laughed, giving me a small wave before he set off down the driveway. I watched him until he climbed into Petra’s truck, then I shut the door, standing there in the entryway for a minute or two, just listening to the silence, but knowing that Eren was back in the living room waiting for me. I smiled, because I was happy. I wanted to lose myself in moments like these.

            As I walked back to the fort, content, I thought about how songs were written about this feeling that was making my chest warm with adoration. I tried to conjure up lyrics, to piece together words, but nothing sounded right. I wondered if Eren had written anything about me, and if he had, was it happy or sad. Maybe it would be a mixture of both, bittersweet, but I didn’t want to linger on the thought of sadness, not now.

            When I crawled back into the fort, Eren rolled over to face me, nothing but the outline of his slender shoulder visible in the darkness. “Take those off.” He pointed to my boxers. I slipped them off without protest. “That’s better.” He lifted the quilt up and I slid in next to him. “Clothes are so overrated.”

            I chuckled. “Do you want to be a nudist?”

            “No. I just hate how nudity is viewed in only a sexual manner. I just want to be able to lie here with you, naked and comfortable, lazy and sleepy.”

            “Then we’ll lie here naked and comfortable, lazy and sleepy.”

            “Mm,” he hummed. “That sounds good. What time is it anyway?”

            “I have no idea. It’s not too late, though.”

            He moved closer to me. “If we were the two main characters in a romance movie, we’d go and do something romantic and completely useless right now. Like, take a bath, and stare at each other while we’re sipping on wine.”

            “Or we’d go out and stand on a balcony that overlooks some grand city.”

            “We’d have to stay naked.”

            “Yeah, of course. Is there any other way?”

            “No,” he said. “I’d be the character that stays up all hours of the night just to write down a piece of poetry in nothing but his underwear.”

            I envisioned this and smiled. “And I’d be the character that shows up at your house riding a motorcycle, tempting you to come out past your curfew to take a ride with me.”

            He propped himself up on his elbows. “I can see that.”

            I wanted to ask him if he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to experience everything he wanted to experience, but I didn’t. I kept quiet. Instead, I looked at him and asked, “Do you want to go and do something completely useless and romantic with me, Eren?”

            “I want to do anything with you,” he whispered.

            I stood up, holding out my hand so I could help him up. When he was standing next to me, quilt securely wrapped around his shoulders, I lifted him into my arms and carried him to the backyard. It was nothing but open land that, at this time of night, was softly lit by the moon overhead. I set him down, making sure his feet were on mine before I began to dance, slowly, holding him close.

            Eren let go of the quilt to wrap his arms around my neck, and we continued like that: dancing under the stars and pallid moonlight, completely naked. That was all right, though, because it was just us here. There was no one around to see us in this private moment.           

            After a while, he leaned back, tears glistening in his eyes as he whispered, “Thank you.”

            “No, don’t thank me for this.” I kissed the side of his mouth. “This means as much to me as it does to you.”

            He smiled, a beautiful smile, a smile that wasn’t the least bit sad, and in that moment I loved him more than life. It didn’t matter that we hadn’t known each other long, because what was time anyway? It was nothing, a figment of our imagination, something that measured the days, but days weren’t meant to be measured. I was here, now, with him, and I was in love with him. Why should time dictate how I felt?

            I was suddenly reminded of an Icelandic song I used to listen to all the time, back when I was obsessed with foreign music. I cleared my throat, and in an unsteady voice, I recited lyrics that reminded me of him. “ ‘Hann lýsir allt sem er. Allt sem er og var og verður. Uns hann leggst í djúpan dvala.’ ” I ran my hands down his sides, suddenly nervous to recite the English translation. “He illuminates everything there is. All that is and was and will be. Until he lies in deep sleep.”

            He lifted his hand to my face, tears finally spilling over. “Perfect.”

            Then we danced, time forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some news! I will be getting this story self-published once I am through with it. I will release more details in time, most likely on my Tumblr and IG account, which you can find [here.](http://warriorflesh.tumblr.com) and [here.](https://instagram.com/levi.eren_/) I'm actually really excited about this, guys. Seriously, you have no idea. Come be excited with me! :)
> 
> I hope you guys weren't hoping for hot, steamy smut, because that's yet to come. I wanted to keep things light and soft, like the love our boys are experiencing now. Ugh, my heart. I love them so much. They make me cry.  
> (Just to clear things up, since there has been some confusion: Eren and Levi didn't have sex in this chapter. I'm sorry if that's how it came across, but that's not what happened.)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos, and subscribing to this story. Double thanks to those that leave me comments, always (You know who you are. I fucking love you!!). 
> 
>  
> 
> Credits:  
> Quotes said by Eren: Yousuf Karsh & Jack Kerouac  
> Poem Eren quotes: _Counting the Beats_ by Robert Graves  
>  Song Levi quotes: Von by Yoko Kanno


	11. A Hundred Million Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Just for a minute, the silver forked sky lit you up like a star that I will follow_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah, it took me a week to update.  
> I'm sorry. I know none of you were badgering me to update, but whenever it takes me longer than 5 days, I just feel horrible. Ugh, but, here we are, and I'm updating. Just know that I had a valid excuse. :)
> 
> Also, I know you guys are understanding. Thank you for that. ❤

There was something incredible about waking up next to Eren, our legs entwined, his warm hand pressed to the small of my back. I kept my eyes closed, just listening to the sound of his uneven breathing. The gentle feel of his chest moving against mine with each breath almost lulled me back to sleep, a discovered comfort, but then he said, in a horribly cute, sleep-raspy voice, “I have to pee.”

            I bit back laughter until it escaped me anyway. Was he always this blunt in the morning? “I’ll carry you to the bathroom in a minute.”

            “Mkay,” he mumbled, sounding half-asleep. He snuggled closer to me, pressing his face to my shoulder. “Mm, you smell good in the morning.”

            I opened my eyes to see that he was wearing my T-shirt. It had ridden up on his stomach, revealing his long torso. “Nice shirt.”

            “It got cold during the night, so I put it on. It seemed like a better option than my own shirt. You know”—he suddenly sat up, hair a complete disaster—“you could always wear my shirt. Oh my god. Please do this.”

            “Hand it over, then,” I said, holding out my hand. It’s not like I had any objections to wearing his clothing.

            He scrambled around until he found what he was looking for. He tossed his wadded up shirt to me and I sat up to put it on. It was big on me; going a bit passed my waist. I didn’t think it a big deal, but Eren was eyeing me as though he had seen something unbelievably cute. He held his hands to his mouth as he said, “I need a picture of this.”

            “You’re out of luck,” I told him. “You didn’t bring your camera.”

            “I may not have my camera, but I do have this.” Leaning over, Eren picked up his jeans, wiggling his hand into the back pocket. He pulled out a cell phone. “Bless my dad for being overprotective and making me get this. Now”—he held the phone up—“I get to capture this moment of pure adorableness.”

            I made a face. “Adorable?”

            “Yes. Quite adorable, and incredibly sexy.”

            After a minute of him snapping photos of me, I snatched the phone out of his hand. I turned it around so the screen was facing me, and saw him there, hundreds of pixels bunched together to form his face, his slender neck that dipped down into his shoulders. I took one picture of him, capturing a sudden shy stare, and said, “Send that to me. I want it.”

            “Don’t you share a phone with Jean and Petra?” he asked, taking back his cell phone.

            “Yeah, but we never use it. They won’t even notice if it goes missing.”

            “So,” he started, “I can send you random nudes in the middle of the night?”

            I eyed him, unblinking. “Is that a promise?”

            “Only if you’ll send me one in return.”

            We were really going to go down this path. We were such dumb teens, but I didn’t mind it whatsoever. “Deal. Now get up so I can carry you to the bathroom.”

            I pulled on my boxers, which had somehow ended up in one corner of the fort, crumpled and forgotten. Adjusting them on my hips, I stood up, but before I could even turn toward Eren, he draped his arms over my shoulders. He grinned at me right as he jumped up, those long legs wrapping around my waist. I stood there for ten long seconds, deciding right then that being his boyfriend was the best thing.

            As I walked down the hallway, he scattered kisses along my neck and collarbone, driving me crazy. I think he knew exactly what he was doing to me, because whenever I made even the tiniest of sounds, he would chuckle, warm breath washing over my skin. God, I wanted to throw him down on my bed and forget about the rest of the world for the day. He was making it difficult to behave myself.

            When I reached the bathroom, I pushed open the door, stepping inside to sit him down on the counter. “Petra and Jean brought you an extra set of clothes last night,” I said, voice hoarse. I cleared my throat right after, ignoring the knowing smile that was currently occupying the bottom half of his face. “I’ll go get them.”

            “I prefer your clothes, actually.”

            “Yeah, I know you do. You have two of my jackets already.” I placed my hands on his legs, tugging on them a bit to bring him closer to me. “I’ll get you one of my clean shirts.”

            He smiled. “You’re seriously the best boyfriend someone could ask for.”

            “I highly doubt that.”

            “I don’t. Not in the least. I could sit here and name off all the reasons, but what’s the point in that? Just know that when I look at you, my problems feel incredibly far away, intangible. They aren’t smothering me anymore, and I can’t thank you enough for that.”

            I understood what he meant. Before he came to this town, my problems were always hovering above me, just waiting for a perfect excuse to come crashing down. For the longest time, I tried running away from them, tempted to leave everything behind in hopes that nothing would follow me. Now I knew that leaving this place wouldn’t rid me of those problems, because they hadn’t been resolved, and I was surprised to discover that I was finally brave enough to face up to them.

            “I think we’re good for each other,” I said. I didn’t want to add that he made me feel bold, powerful, like he had taken a permanent marker and outlined me with it. That sounded cheesy, even to me, yet it was true.

            I knew that happiness was an elusive emotion. One minute it was there, potent and undeniable, the next it was gone, nothing but a far away memory that could never be remembered quite right. Something always got added or taken away the more times you tried to recollect it, which made it seem better, or worse, than it actually was. So I knew, as I stood here in this too small bathroom, that I wouldn’t be able to remember these moments with clarity. They would be tarnished with time. So I was determined to hold onto them, and the feeling of happiness they evoked, for as long as I could, because I didn’t want to forget.

            “I think so, too,” Eren told me.

            I brought his hand up to my mouth, holding it there against my lips. Then, I set it in his lap, suddenly aware of each passing second. I wanted to round up all the minutes, all the hours that had crept by us unnoticed, and stitch them together until they formed an eternity, a silent world for the two of us. “I’ll be right back,” I said. “Feel free to use whatever you want in here. Beware of Jean’s stuff, though. It may cause sudden stupidity.” He laughed as I turned toward the door.

            The bedroom Jean and I shared looked different somehow, smaller, though I knew it was the same. _I_ was different. Something in me had changed.

            Sliding open the closet door, I rifled through my clothing until I came across a long sleeve, dark-grey T-shirt that I wanted to see Eren in. I pulled it down and tossed it over my shoulder before I retraced my steps back to the bathroom.

            It was as I was handing him the shirt that we both heard the front door screech open. I stood still, listening, and then I heard Jean’s loud voice. “They brought your toothbrush,” I said, “but there are new ones in that drawer.” I pointed to it. “Just use one of those.”

            “Okay,” Eren said. “Are you going to go see what’s going on?”

            “Yeah.”

            I left him sitting on the counter to follow Jean’s voice out into the kitchen. He was standing by the stove, where Petra was setting down three plates of freshly baked brownies. That wasn’t a good sign. Petra didn’t bake unless she was very upset, which usually only happened when her parents were involved in some way.

            “Brownies?” I questioned.

            Petra didn’t even look up at me as she said, “There’s more back at my house. I’m thinking of dropping some off at Coach Smith’s place. You know how he has a thing for sweets. I know you don’t like them, but Eren can eat as many as he’d like.”

            “Petra.” I waited until her gaze met mine to add, “What happened?”

            Her eyes filled with pain before they dropped to the hardwood flooring. “My parents called last night, said they couldn’t make it tomorrow.” She slipped her hand into the front pocket of her red jacket and pulled out her debit card. “They deposited more money into my account, though. Isn’t that thoughtful of them?”

            Her shoulders shook as she began to cry. I went up to where she stood and wrapped my arms around her. I held her until she stopped shaking. “I wish you’d let me tell them off.”

            “They aren’t worth it,” she whispered. “I don’t even know why I’m crying over them. I should be used to this by now. They always cancel our plans.”

            Jean walked up to us and tilted his head down to rest his chin on her shoulder. “That’s because they’re complete and total assholes. By the way, Levi, are you naked under that shirt that I know isn’t yours?”

            “No,” I blurted out too fast, stepping back. I had forgotten that I was roaming around in nothing but my boxers and Eren’s shirt. “I have underwear on underneath this. Now I’m going to go get Eren. When I come back out, we’ll go somewhere. We’ll do anything you want Petra.”

            She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand, a small smile appearing. That’s what I wanted to see.

            Fuck her parents. One day I would tell them exactly how I felt about them.

            Back in the bathroom, Eren was still sitting on the counter, nestled in my grey T-shirt, a white toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. I stepped up to the sink and grabbed my own toothbrush, squeezing toothpaste onto the bristles. We brushed our teeth in silence and I was surprised at how comfortable I was.

            After we rinsed out our mouths, a flurry of white foam disappearing down the drain, he leaned in and kissed me. “Minty,” he commented.

            I kissed him one more time before I asked, “Are you up for doing some relatively stupid shit today? Petra’s in a bad mood.”

            “Sure. I’m up for anything. My dad texted me early this morning. I guess he’s heading to Trost to pick up some more oxygen tanks. Apparently package delivery companies don’t deliver big shipments here to Shiganshina.”

            “So you finally understand my pain,” I joked.

            He gave my cheek a soft pat. “Mhm. So, what kind of stupid stuff do you have planned for us wild adolescents?”

            “I have no idea.”

            “In that case,” he said, hopping to the floor, “I think I know something we can do, but I’m definitely going to need to put on some pants before then.”

            “Then let’s go do that.” I picked him up in one fell swoop, tossing him over my shoulder. He smacked my ass a few times, so I did the same to his in return.

            It took us a good hour to get out of the house, because Jean had to scarf down six brownies right before we left. We ended up at Eren’s house, even though we didn’t know what he had planned for us. With cannula in place, he was the first one out of the truck, trudging up to his front door with determined steps. By the time the rest of us followed him inside, he was already walking back out, a canvas and easel tucked under his arm.

            “Okay!” he shouted once the easel was set up, clapping his hands together. “Petra, picture your anger, or your disappointment. What color is it?”

            Petra looked confused, but then she closed her eyes, concentrating. “It’s blood red, dark and maddening.”

            Eren nodded like he understood. He pulled out a tube of dark paint out of his back pocket. Opening the cap, he squirted some onto the easel. With deft fingers, he began to smear the paint around with quick, skilled strokes. I watched him, completely captivated by how he was creating a portrait of someone with nothing but his fingertips.

            “That’s my mom,” Petra stated after a few minutes. “How do you even know what she looks like?”

            “You have a lot of pictures hanging up at your house,” Eren told her. “And I have a good memory.”

            Before long, he had also painted her dad. There they were, her parents, drawn in murky shades of red. They weren’t smiling. Their eyes were downcast, mouths open as if they were about to speak, but they would forever remain silent, their words lost. They would always stay immobile, as well, eternally young on canvas.

            “Ruin it,” Eren said all of a sudden. He handed Petra the tube of paint. “Ruin it and use up all the anger caused by them.”

            For a long minute, Petra didn’t do anything. She stood there, staring at the canvas with no expression on her face. Then, with some vivid emotion burning in her eyes, she took the tube from him. She squeezed a thick line of paint right above her parents’ heads, watching it drip down, marring their hair. After a beat, she swiped her hand across their faces, wrecking their empty expressions.

            “Keep going,” Eren encouraged. I wondered how many times he’d done this himself.

            Petra began to cry, but it wasn’t like before. These weren’t silent tears that hid her agony; these were furious sobs that shook her whole frame. Soon, her hands were flying across the canvas, completely erasing her parent’s images. They were nothing more than blood red smears now.

            After she was through, she lifted her hands up to eye level, analyzing the paint on her palms. “Thank you, Eren,” she said, smiling a small, shaky smile. “I didn’t think that would make me feel better, but it actually did.”

            “Well,” barked Jean, tossing his arm over her shoulders, “are you ready for my plans now?”

            My eyes flicked in his direction. “Let Petra wash up before you try to kill us all.”

            He smiled. “Fine. I’ll give you guys twenty minutes to settle down.”

            Eren led Petra into his house, directing her towards his bathroom. I followed after them, eyeing all the pictures adorning the walls. There were a lot of artworks hung up and I wondered if Eren had done them. There were several of city landscapes, then a few of people, but their faces were always left blank.

            “I didn’t want to remember their expressions when they looked at me,” Eren told me, coming to stand behind me. “That’s my nurse, or, well, _was_ my nurse.” He pointed to a painting of a short, blonde woman that wore teal scrubs. “I didn’t like her. She would always give me this pitiful look whenever she walked into my room.”

            I reached back and grabbed his hands, pulling on them until his arms were around my waist. “No one should pity you. You’re very strong.”

            “Not everyone thinks so.” He rested his chin on my head, hands wandering up my T-shirt. “I don’t know why my dad hangs these up. I don’t like them. The ones I like, or truly hate, are kept in my room.”

            I turned in his embrace. “Can I see them?”

            Several expressions crossed his face in the span of a second, and then he grabbed my hand, ushering me down the hallway. The interior of his house was all pastel colors, creamy and light. It felt like I had stepped inside a fairytale castle. That was until he pushed open a door at the end of the hall, revealing where all the darkness was hiding.

            His walls were painted black, but you could hardly see them past all the paintings that had been hung up. There were several of blooming dahlia flowers, some the color of peaches, others white and red. There were a lot of his dad, always smiling, looking happy, and quite a few of a woman that looked like him. I was guessing that was his mother. In every one, she had been painted as though the sun were shining on her, and only her. But, as I kept looking around the room, I noticed that there were plenty of paintings of a young boy shaded in dark colors. He seemed to be bleeding in all of them, dark rivers of blood draining out of him from his chest.

            I stared at them for a long time until my eyes landed on a canvas tucked in a corner, barely visible. It was a painting of lungs. Black blotches had been carved all over them, destroying the healthy tissue, making them useless.

            “They’re my lungs,” Eren whispered, right behind me now. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, so I kept looking at the painting until my eyes stung. “When the doctors put a name to my pain, I felt relieved. I foolishly thought that I could be fixed, but not everything can be cured. There are some diseases that take and take until there’s nothing left to give.”

            I swallowed, my heart thumping in my chest. It sounded loud in my ears, and I desperately needed to sit down, but I couldn’t move. My legs were unusable beneath me.

            “They keep prescribing me pills that do nothing but numb the pain that comes hand in hand with the act of breathing. Those pills do nothing to help me in the long run. They’re just there to ease my suffering, to put a tarp over it, to hide the ugliness. It’s like handing someone who is about to jump off a bridge a rope that’s tied to nothing. It gives them false hope, but in the end, they’re still going to hit that ground that’s been waiting for them since they leaped.”

            _Stop. Please stop._

But he kept going.

            “IPF,” he said in a bitter tone. “Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. That’s what it’s called, this disease that’s robbing me of everything.”

            “You’re,” I began, but I couldn’t continue. My voice was unwilling to cooperate with me, to finish the sentence that I had begun. But it kept echoing in my head nonetheless, a never-ending mantra.

            _You’re dying, aren’t you?_

_You’re dying, aren’t you?_

            Eren crossed his arms over his chest, eyes distant, vacant of any emotion. “I’m sorry, Levi. I told you that I was being selfish, but seeing you like this…” He paused, swallowing. “I wonder if it’s worth it. I don’t want to hurt you for my selfish needs.”

            I shook my head, but I still couldn’t say anything. They weren’t selfish needs. Everyone wanted to experience what he wanted to experience. It’s just that the majority of everyone else had more time to do it in.

            “I know you've noticed that I’m moving things along pretty fast,” he went on. “I don’t regret anything we’ve done, but is that really fair to you? You shouldn’t be with someone like me. You deserve better. I think everyone does.”

            I whispered, “I don’t want anyone else.” No one else would do. Couldn’t he see that?

            “I’m sick, Levi. I have an expiration date that you will outlive. I told you that I would take everything you are and make it my own, that I would steal every moment of happiness. I meant that, but you should have the option to leave.” He was crying now, silent tears streaking down his cheeks.

            “You know that I won’t leave.” I couldn’t. I wanted him too much.

            “Do I?”

            I crossed the distance between us, shoving him up against the wall. I covered his mouth with my own, tasting his breath. “And I told you that I’d willingly let you ruin me for any other. I want to be with you, regardless of your flaws and condition. You said that I had the option to leave, but I’m not taking it. I want to experience everything with you.”

            Even if it would hurt me badly in the end, I didn’t want to give this up. I wanted everything he wanted to give me.

            “But you should be with someone better,” Eren said.

            “No one compares to you.”

            “ ‘Things don’t go away. They become you. There is no end.’ You will always carry around the pain I will cause you.”

            I stepped closer to him. “Yes, but I will also carry around the happiness you have brought me.”

            Eren stared at me long and hard, like he was trying to decipher the meaning behind my words. He was scared, rushing into everything because he was afraid if he didn’t, he wouldn’t experience it at all. Maybe that’s why we kissed the first day we were going out. Maybe that’s why last night he wanted me to touch him. Even so, it didn’t feel wrong. I didn’t regret it, and that’s because I had done those things with _him_.

            The truth was, I needed him just as badly as he needed me. He didn’t know what type of person I was not too long before he came, how I had constantly been fighting my demons, and how they had almost won. He didn’t know that, because of him, I was finally seeing the beauty this world had to offer. Not everything was bad. Everyone didn’t want to hurt me the way my uncle had. I didn’t have to run away anymore, and I wasn’t going to run away from this.

            “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me,” I said. “I know that sounds cliché, but it’s the truth. I don’t want you to walk away from this. We just started, Eren. We still have so much to experience together.”

            He met my eyes with his. “You still want to be with me?”

            “Yes. You said earlier that I make your problems seem far away. I want us to continue like that. Just forget about the rest of the world and focus on me, because I’m selfish, as well.”

            “ _Qui craint de souffrir, il souffre déjà de ce qu’il craint._ ‘He who fears suffering is already suffering that which he fears.’ I don’t want to suffer anymore. I just want to be with you. I want to be happy, and being with you makes me happy.”

            I pulled him closer to me and we stayed there in silence until his door flew open on its hinges. Jean popped his head in and said, “Are you guys ready to have a little fun?”

            Eren leaned back, readjusting the cannula on his face. “I’m always ready for fun.”

            “Then let’s get the hell out of here!” Jean shouted, already making his way down the hall.

            As soon as he was gone, Eren cupped my cheek, eyes conveying messages I couldn’t quite understand, and then he tugged me out of his room.

 

(x)

 

Jean’s idea of fun was to park in front of the local grocery store. Or at least that’s what I thought until he pointed to a sign that read: OUR SHOPPING CARTS WILL LOCK IF TAKEN BEYOND THE PARKING LOT PERIMETER.

                  “I’ve always wanted to see if that was true,” he said. “So, it’s time to find out. Levi, join me.” Against my better judgment, I followed him out of the truck. We walked across the lot to a cart corral and Jean pulled out two yellow shopping carts. He pushed one in my general direction.

            “What are you planning to do?” I asked, stopping it before it crashed into me. “Just push them onto the street to see if the wheels lock up?”

            “Well, yeah, but Eren and Petra are going to be in them.”

            I glared at him. “Are you being serious right now?”

            “Am I never not serious? Let’s go. I think Ymir is working today, and if she sees us, we might as well be dead.”

            I followed him back to the truck, all in a rush, and Eren pushed open the passenger side door when he saw us coming. He eyed the shopping carts before he glanced at me. “So,” he said, “what exactly are we doing?”

            “Jean wants you to get in the cart,” I told him. “Deny him. He can’t force you to do anything.”

            Eren simply shrugged off my suggestion and stepped out of the truck, picking up his oxygen tank from the foot space so that he could place it in the shopping cart. When it was in a safe position, he held his arms out to me and I rolled my eyes, because he was seriously going to go through with Jean’s plan, which was never a good idea. Yet I lifted him up into the cart anyway.

            “Now you,” Jean said to Petra, who was standing by me now.

            She regarded him with a wary expression. “What do we do if the wheels do lock up?”

            “You hop out and pretend like nothing happened.”

            “You know Sheriff Flagon takes small stuff like this seriously. Especially when it comes to you and Levi.”

            That was too true. Sheriff Flagon didn’t trust us, which I didn’t blame him for. We had been at our worst a couple years back: destroying dumpsters, lighting things on fire just to watch them burn, vandalizing buildings with cans and cans of spray paint, playing dangerous pranks on unsuspecting citizens. We were awful kids that he had to put up with, because our legal guardians weren’t around to do the job.

            Jean sighed. I could see the disappointment on his face. “I was going to put the carts back, damn.”

            “We aren’t hurting anyone,” added Eren. “We’re just being stupid and having fun.”

            Jean jerked a finger at him. “Exactly! Thank you for siding with me, baby.” Petra and I froze in place, just staring at him. “What? What is it? We’re wasting precious time.”

            “You called him ‘baby,’” I said, as though it was obvious why we were staring at him, which it was. “You haven’t called anyone other than me and Petra that.”

            “Jealous?” He raised an eyebrow, smirking.

            I snorted. “No. I’m just a bit stunned.”

            “Same here,” Petra said.

            Eren pushed himself up onto his knees, leaning over the side of the cart to yank Jean into a hug. For a moment, Jean’s arms remained at his sides, as limp as noodles, and then he lifted them up to hug Eren back.

            Well, damn. I never thought I’d see the day that Jean let anyone touch him other than Petra and me. This truly was a Kodak moment.

            “Now let’s go!” Eren yelled, throwing his fist up into the air. “Levi, push me!”

            I gave Petra an oh-well look before I took hold of the handle, pushing the cart forward. It only took Petra a few seconds to hop into the other shopping cart, and then Jean was right beside me, a huge smile on his face. We picked up our pace, the soles of our shoes slapping against the asphalt. The closer we got to the edge of the parking lot, the louder Eren’s squeals got. He was preparing himself for the cart to jerk to a stop.

            But it never did.

            The shopping carts kept going and Jean let out a victorious holler that was quickly followed by laughter. Then we were all laughing, the cool wind whipping our hair back.

            This was happiness, being with these people, and I was determined to give Eren the happiness he deserved.

            I was going to make the time he had left worthwhile.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a bit sad that I will lose some readers due to them being scared of a sad ending. DON'T GIVE UP ON EREN! Have hope. That's all I have to say.  
> Other then that, Jean finally called Eren "baby". Let's take a moment of silence to appreciate this. *quiet sobs*  
> I really want to see someone draw the whole gang. Just Levi on one end, and Jean on the other, while Petra and Eren are squished in between them, all smiles. That would be nice. It would make me happy.
> 
> Anywho, thank you so much for reading, and for being patient with me! I love all of you. You're the best group of readers one could ask for. :)
> 
> P.S. I am still tracking the hashtag #chasingsummerfic on both Tumblr and Instagram. If you ever want to leave me something, you can do it that way. It doesn't have to be fanart. It could be anything, really. I just love hearing your thoughts on this fic of mine.
> 
> P.S.S. Someone once asked me how I came up with my username, and it's actually lyrics from a song by Morphic Field. The lyrics are: _Dressed in darkness. Light is dripping over you._ I don't know, but I loved it. If you want to listen to the song, you can listen to it [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NK41kH_NqEg)


	12. Love Enters My Blood like an IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I was put together wrong_   
>  _Still I was made for you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goodness, it took me another week to update. What can I say? My life has become hectic these last few weeks. I know you all understand, which makes me incredibly happy.  
> But ah, these two beautiful dorks. I adore them so. They are so insanely cute at times, that I literally squeal a bit as I'm writing. Trust me, it's quite a sight to see. 
> 
> Anywho, before you begin reading, there are some spanish words that Eren states that I did not provide the translation to in the chapter, so here they are:
> 
>  _Eres tan bello_ = You're so beautiful  
>  _Yo quiero tocarte_ = I want to touch you  
>  _Mi amor_ = My love
> 
> Now go on and read! :)

Although time was passing, inevitable rivulets of unseen minutes and hours merging together to form an endless stream that was just beyond our reach, I was no longer focusing on it. Whenever I looked at a clock and saw numbers glowing back at me, they were completely meaningless, a forgotten language. Instead, I chose to live in moments: waking up to Eren curled up against me at three in the morning, the smell of his shampoo soothing me back to sleep, Jean making an effort to make us all dinner, Petra announcing that she got a job at Grisha’s clinic, Eren kissing me to the sound of raindrops drumming on the rooftop…

            It was always Eren and I, tied together by an invisible string, soaking up every minute like it was our last. We were living and breathing in one another. Just getting so completely lost in each other that I had to wonder how I’d ever find my way out. But that didn’t matter now, because we were becoming timeless, eternal, just like I’d promised him.

            In this town, we’d always be remembered this way: young, reckless, happy, and most of all, completely in love.

            I was all right with that. That’s how I wanted to be remembered: with him. 

            So today, on this cloudy Tuesday afternoon, I sat in Erwin’s auto repair shop thinking about something I could do with Eren for our one-month anniversary (he wanted to celebrate anniversaries in months, not years). After a long while of just sitting there on the hard concrete floor, I lay back, tucking my hands beneath my head. There weren’t a lot of places to shop in this miserable town. There also weren’t a lot of places to go.

            I groaned, pressing my right foot against Jean’s shoulder to get his attention.

            “What?” he asked, head popping out from beneath the car he had been working on for the last hour. His hair was matted, chunks of it stuck to his forehead, which had a streak of oil on it. “Are you still thinking about what to do with Eren for that one-month anniversary crap? You do realize that that’s today, right?”

            “It’s not crap, and yes, I know that it’s today. There’s just nothing to do in this town.”

            He slid out from beneath the car, pulling out a dark-blue rag from his back pocket to wipe at his oil stained hands. “You’re over thinking it. Listen, Eren is a simple romantic. Let him draw you naked. He’d probably enjoy that, ‘cause he’s all artistic and shit. Or”—he tossed the rag over his shoulder—“you could take him to that abandoned dance studio out on Red Lake Road. Just set up a table, light some candles, and _voilà_ , you have a romantic dinner for two.”

            “That’s actually not a bad idea,” I said. “I just have to think of something to cook up.”

            “Shrimp risotto is always good,” Coach Smith chimed in, walking out of his office with a white folder in his hand. He was wearing a red tracksuit like he was getting ready to go out for a jog. “Pair that with a bottle of Chardonnay, and you’re set for the evening.”

            I stared at him. “Coach, I’m seventeen. I can’t just go and buy a bottle of wine.”

            “No, you can’t.” He set the folder down on his red tool cabinet. “Now, I can’t supply you with alcohol, seeing as you’re still underage, but I could drop off a bottle at Petra’s house. For her parents, of course.” He winked at me.

            I continued to stare at him. “Are you being serious with me right now?”

            “I am,” he said. “I think you and Eren deserve a candlelit dinner with wine, don’t you?”

            Before I could catch myself, I responded with, “Eren deserves the world.”

            Erwin smiled. “You deserve just as much, Levi. I’ll drop the wine off after we close up. You know what, let’s just close now. Hanji doesn’t need her car back today, and I doubt she’d want to be the reason behind you not being able to set everything up for your date tonight.”

            I stood up, and for a minute, I had no idea what to say. I settled for: “Thank you.”

            “It’s no problem. I hope you know that.” He waved me toward the back. “Now get on out of here. I’ll close up the shop. You just head home, so you can get started on that shrimp risotto. It’s already four.”

            I thanked him one last time before I walked into the backroom with Jean to clock out. Since Shiganshina was a town that didn’t advance in technology, I literally had a time card I had to fill out. It was a drag, but it gave me time to think about how I was a terrible boyfriend for waiting until the last minute to come up with a plan for my first anniversary with Eren. Still, I hoped that it wouldn’t turn out bad. Eren clung to these kinds of things.

            After I entered the hours I’d put in, I placed my time card back in its slot. Jean was already done and had opened up his locker to grab our coats. Despite it being summer, it was still unseasonably cold out, even for this town.

            “So, shrimp risotto,” Jean said while he bent over to take off his steel toe boots. “Do you even know how to make that?”

            “It can’t be too hard. If I have any trouble, I’ll ask Petra for some help. She’s a good cook.” I took my coat from him and slipped my arms into the sleeves. I didn’t look at him as I asked, “Is it bad that I’m barely thinking of all this the day of our anniversary?”

            “No. You guys just decided to celebrate it. I bet Eren doesn’t even have anything to give you, or maybe he does.” Jean smirked like he knew what Eren had in store for me.

            I narrowed my eyes at him. “Do you know what he’s getting me?”

            “I might. Who’s to say?” He slid his foot into one of his black Samba sneakers. “You’re just going to have to wait until tonight to find out. Here, take these.” He tossed me Petra’s car keys. “Go start up the truck so it’s nice and warm by the time I get there.”

            I gave him a look, but made my way out of the garage. I ignored the cool breeze as I strode up to the truck, which was parked on the street. All I could think about as the wind nipped at my exposed cheeks was Eren under the summer sun, his tan skin sun kissed and glowing. If I had money, I would take him someplace warm, someplace he wouldn’t have to worry about tucking himself away in a heavy winter coat every time he stepped foot outside his house.

            Pulling open the driver’s side door, I imagined how tonight would play out. As Jean said, Eren _was_ a simple romantic, but he was also stuffed full of poems that they spilled from his mouth whenever he opened it. I wished, for what felt like the billionth time, that I could write or draw. Eren had drawn me so many things, all brilliant and life-like, while I had done nothing more than sit back and soak up his radiance.

            I tilted my head back, my eyes drifting over the paper crane that hung from the rearview mirror. I touched my fingertips to its beak. The crane swayed on the string it was tied to, the white blossoms on the red paper standing out against the muted grey of the sky behind it. Eren had folded it for Petra a week ago when she said she liked origami.

            _Why him?_

The passenger side door opened up. Jean glared at me for a few seconds before he hopped inside. “How is the truck supposed to warm up if it’s not even on?” he asked, leaning over to retrieve the keys that were sitting in my lap. He shoved a long silver one into the ignition, twisting it so the engine would start up.

            I cranked the heater up, cold air blasting out of the vents. “Sorry. I was just thinking.”

            “Well, stop thinking for a while,” Jean said in a serious tone. I looked at him. He looked back at me. “I know Eren is sick, Levi. It doesn’t take a genius to know that much, but lately you’ve been really down, and don’t think that he hasn’t noticed. He doesn’t like it. Just…lighten up. Stop focusing on his illness.”

            “He talked to you about this?”

            He shrugged. “Yeah.”

            I slumped down in my seat. “Why didn’t he talk to me about it?”

            “Oh my god. Stop being so melodramatic. He just wanted my advice on what to do with you. I told him to give you a few good slaps.”

            “I probably deserve them,” I said. “It’s just hard not to think about it sometimes. I was fine until he came back from his doctor’s appointment last week.” That had been terrible. They had given him new medication and he had been sick for a couple of days, sick enough that he wasn’t able to leave his bed. He kept comforting me, in spite of the fact that _he_ was the one that was ill. And whenever I called, which was often, Grisha assured me that everything would be fine, that his body just had to get used to the new pills they’d prescribed him. “I’ll be better.”

            Jean sighed, reaching out to put his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know it’s hard on you, but Eren wants you to be happy.” He laughed, just one _ha_. “Damn, how in the hell did he weasel his way into _all_ our lives? I swear even me and Petra are affected when he’s not in his usual cheery mood.”

            “It’s hard not to like him.”

            “True. Now hurry up and let’s go. I’m hungry as hell, and you know how I get when I’m hungry.”

            I drove to Petra’s house with more thoughts in my head than before. I kept hearing Eren throwing up in the bathroom, unable to catch his breath, groaning in pain whenever he was given a moment of respite. He hadn’t known that I was right outside in his bedroom, that his dad had told me where he had hidden a house key, because I was getting ready to break the front door down. I would never be able to forget the look on Eren’s face when he came out and saw me sitting on his bed…

            He looked so sad, disgusted and disappointed, but not with me—with himself.

            _Oh, Eren. Why can’t I make your pain stop? I want to make it stop. Just put it on me. I’ll shoulder it all for you._

It was a miracle that I got to Petra’s house without driving off the side of the road. I really did need to stop thinking for a while, to put it all away for now. Tonight was supposed to be special, and I was going to ruin it before it even began. So, as I stepped foot on the driveway, I decided, for tonight, that I wouldn’t treat Eren like he had IPF. It was a dream, of course—one that I didn’t want to wake up from.

            Inside, Petra was in the kitchen with Eren, who wasn’t supposed to be here. Then again, I wasn’t supposed to be here either. I had left work early.

            When they spotted me by the fridge, they both were quick to hide something that was on the table.

            “What are you doing here?” Petra practically shouted. “Your shift doesn’t end for another hour.”

            I folded my arms over my chest, grinning at Eren’s bewildered expression. “Coach let us off early. Why? What are you hiding?”

            “Nothing whatsoever,” Eren squeaked. He was literally on the table, leaning sideways to block my view of whatever this “nothing whatsoever” was. “So, um, could you please leave the kitchen for a minute?”

            “Can I come give you a kiss first?”

            “No,” he barked, and then said in a softer tone, “I mean, not right now.”

            I bit my lower lip, deliberately teasing him. “Okay, then.”

            He watched me leave, a bright blush coloring his cheeks, letting me know that my little teasing had worked. When I was alone in Petra’s room, I walked over to her dresser, pulling open the bottom drawer. There, tucked beneath a pile of folded shirts, was a stack of pictures I had taken with a film camera Petra found in a thrift shop. Eren liked personal gifts, so I thought that he’d like to see the world through my eyes for a change, or maybe he’d think the photos really sucked. Either way, I wasn’t going to freak out about it right now.

            The sound of wheels rubbing against the hardwood flooring had me quickly shutting the drawer. By the time I stood up, Eren was already wheeling himself into the room.

            “Hi,” he said. “I’m ready for my kiss now.”

            I smiled. “Oh? What if I’m not in the mood for a kiss anymore?”

            He pouted. “But you teased me.”

            “I would never do that,” I lied, walking closer to him. I put my hands on the armrests of his wheelchair, leaning forward to look him in the eye. “I also would never not be in the mood to kiss you. Come here.” I cupped his face, pressing my lips to his, lightly. “I’m supposed to be making something for you right now.”

            “Are you trying to tell me that you’d like me to leave?”

            I bit down on his bottom lip, mimicking what I’d done to my own earlier. “I never want you to leave.”

            “Then let me stay,” he breathed, grabbing handfuls of my work shirt to tug me closer to him. “I’ll help you make whatever it is you’re supposed to be making for me right now. It’s not important, right?”

            “Not too important,” I said. “Just dinner.”

            “So, I can stay then?”

            “Yes, you can stay.”

            “Good. Now stop teasing and kiss me for real.”

            I kissed him for real, my mouth moving over his, controlling and insistent. I leaned forward until he had to lean back to accommodate me. Then I placed my knee in between his legs, his wheelchair rolling back against the wall from the added weight, but still I kept kissing him, my hand falling to his hip, moving his shirt aside to feel his bare skin. I didn’t want to pull away. I wanted to kiss him until we both disappeared, but I could hear his breathing pick up, so I leaned back.

            “You weren’t supposed to stop,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against mine, breath coming out in ragged pants.

            I let him catch his breath before I said, “I have to start making dinner.”

            “I’d settle for Macaroni and Cheese as long as you kept kissing me.”

            “Macaroni and Cheese?”

            Eren suddenly stood up, forcing me to do the same. He shoved me back with enough force to make me take several steps back. I went to ask him what he was doing, but he stepped forward and pushed me again. The backs of my knees hit the edge of the bed and I fell back on top of it. I barely had time to look up before he was crawling over me.

            He trailed a finger down the center of my chest and stomach. “I keep thinking about that night in the fort,” he said. “ _Eres tan bello_ , Levi.”

            I swallowed. “God, don’t do that.”

            “Do what?”

            “Speak to me in some foreign language. It makes it hard to resist you.”

            Leaning down, he pressed his lips to my neck, keeping them there when he whispered, “I don’t want you to resist. _Yo quiero tocarte._ ”

            I shivered. “We’re literally on Petra’s bed.”

            “And I literally don’t care.”

            Right after he said that, we heard footsteps in the hallway and he made quick work of moving off of me. I muffled my laughter with my hand, because the face he was making was priceless. “I thought you literally didn’t care.”

            “Shh.” He reached back and pressed his palm against my erection. Caught by surprise, I let out an embarrassingly loud moan. He smirked, as smug as ever. “Oh, this isn’t over, _mi amor_. I have all night with you. Keep that in mind.”

            I threw my arm over my eyes, but instantly sat up when I heard the door open. Petra regarded the both of us, taking note of our flushed cheeks, messy hair, and kiss-swollen lips. We said nothing. She just said, “Jean told me you were going to make shrimp risotto, Levi. I got everything ready for you. If you’re too busy, I can start making it.”

            “He’s not too busy,” Eren answered for me. “We’ll be out there in a minute.”

            “Yup, in a minute,” I agreed.

            Petra smiled. “Okay, then. I’ll leave you two alone.” She shut the door behind her and we both listened to her footsteps until she was too far to hear them.

            Eren turned to me, all smiles. “So, have you done your research on gay sex?”

            _“What?”_ I screeched. “You can’t just ask me that. Give me some kind of warning next time. I nearly bit off my tongue.”

            “Oh, come on. I know you’ve thought about it, and we are two guys, so…” he trailed off on purpose. His eyes moved down to my lips and he lifted his hand up to run his thumb over them. “I want you to top.”

            He was killing me.

            “At first, anyway,” he added in a low, seductive tone.

            Yes, he was killing me slowly and painfully.

            “Do you have any idea what you are doing to me?” I asked.

            In one fluid movement, he straddled me, his arms coming up to wrap around my neck. “Oh, I think I have an idea.” He swiveled his hips, his ass rubbing against my dick. _Oh, fuck._ “You need to do your research, Levi, so you know exactly what to do with me when that time comes around, because once we start”—he moved closer to me, giving a slow lick to my earlobe—“I don’t want to stop.”

            I let out a slow, shuddering breath. Damn. I couldn’t think at all. My brain was useless.

            When I could finally grasp the concept of words again, I told him, “You’re lucky I adore you beyond reason, otherwise I would’ve already had you pinned beneath me.”

            “That doesn’t sound too bad.”

            He was downright torturing me now, but I wasn’t going to give in. I wanted to do things right by him. He deserved that and more. So, even though he was driving me crazy, and my dick was more or less demanding that I _do_ something, I pecked him on the cheek and said, “Let’s go make stupid shrimp risotto together.”

            “‘Kay. Carry me to the kitchen?”

            “I’d carry you anywhere you’d want to go.”

            He smiled. “I just want to go where you go.”

 

(x)

 

About twenty minutes ago, Coach Smith had shown up at the house with the wine he had promised. That wasn’t a big deal. I was expecting that much, but what I hadn’t been expecting was for him to offer to go to the dance studio ahead of us so that he could set everything up. I was going to deny his offer, tell him that he’d already done enough by bringing over the wine, but then Petra and Jean got involved, and somehow all three of them agreed to set things up for us. Judging by the amount of candles Petra had piled into Erwin’s car, they wouldn’t be leaving the studio until we showed up (fire hazard, and all).

            Eren had gone with them to get dropped off at his house so he could change into “proper attire,” as he put it. I was assuming he was expecting me to do the same, though I didn’t have the slightest idea what I should put on. I didn’t own a lot of formal wear, and the stuff I did own was at Jean’s house.

            So, there I was, pulling into Jean’s driveway, because I was going to change into clothes that I was sure I looked ridiculous in. Either way, I was running out of time. I practically sprinted to the front door, which would’ve been embarrassing if there was anyone around to witness me doing it, but as of right now, I was alone.

            Unlocking the door, I shoved it open and made a beeline to Jean’s room. I flicked on the light, hopping on one foot as I yanked my pants off. By the time I slid open the closet door, I was down to my boxers. That’s where I had to take a pause, because all I could spot was a black button-up and slacks.

            That would have to do.

            I quickly dressed, tucking the shirt in before I slipped on a black belt. I considered myself done. My hair was a whole different matter, but I wasn’t about to get into that right now. What I needed were my dress shoes, which were hidden under a pile of Jean’s sneakers.

            After I moved aside the mess, I put them on and left the house, glad, for once, that this town was small enough that it only took me ten minutes to drive to Eren’s house. I parked by the curb, eyes lingering on the car in the driveway. Grisha was home. I hadn’t officially met him, even when I had been dating his son for the past month. I was betting that lost me a couple points with him.

            With my stomach in ruins, I got out of the truck. My heart was pounding, my palms beginning to sweat. I hated being nervous, but when it came to this situation, I couldn’t help it. Grisha meant a lot to Eren, yet I had put off meeting him for this long. I had my reasons, which consisted of how most adults in this town looked at me whenever I was around, like I was nothing more than a troublemaker, a problem that someone needed to fix.

            When I stepped onto the WELCOME mat on the front patio, I rang the doorbell. I hoped, against all odds, that Eren would answer the door and we could get out of here before his dad even noticed that he was gone, but like I expected, Grisha was the one that came to the door.

            “Uh, good evening,” I said, stumbling over the words as though they were physical things in my mouth. I sounded like a child that had just been scolded.

            Grisha didn’t look at me with disdain, though. He offered me a kind smile as he held out his hand to me. It took me a moment to reach out and shake it. He had a firm grasp; fingertips calloused from years of working. “It’s nice to meet you, Levi. I’ve heard a lot of good things about you.”

            “Really?” I blurted out before I could contain myself.

            “Yes. You seem to be the only thing Eren can talk about these days. He paints a lot more now, as well. I’ve been wanting to have a chat with you, but he asked me to give you some time, so I have.”

            I was trying to come up with a valid excuse when I suddenly made eye contact with him. He had the same eye color as Eren, that intense green with flecks of blue that mixed in to create a vivid hue I’d never seen before. Somehow, seeing his gentle gaze that held so much of the boy I was completely in love with, made everything all right. “I think I’ve been given enough time.”

            His smile softened. “I’m glad to hear that. Do you think you could drop by the clinic tomorrow, then? We could grab some lunch together. I think there are some things we should talk about.”

            “Yeah, I can come by. That’s no problem.”

            “You better not be discussing anything about me,” Eren called from somewhere behind him. I could hear footsteps, and I was guessing that he had convinced his dad to let him take along an oxygen tank. When he squeezed his way past Grisha, he said, “Hi,” then leaned forward and kissed me. My eyes popped open. “Let’s go.”

            Grisha gave him a once over, not at all concerned about how he had just kissed me. “You should grab a jacket, Eren. It’s cold out tonight.”

            Eren huffed, but stepped back inside to grab the leather jacket I had given him on the Trost trip. He made a show of putting it on and my entire face became incredibly hot. “Okay, I have a jacket on. I’m nice and toasty. Can we please go now? I’ll be back at the crack of dawn.”

            “No, you’ll be back at eleven. With that said, I won’t keep you any longer.” Dr. Jaeger looked at me. “Tomorrow at the clinic, then? Say around ten in the morning?”

            I cleared my throat. “Sounds good.”

            Eren grabbed my hand then, tugging me away from the front door. Grisha watched us as we walked to the truck. I felt like I had been put on display, every move I made duly noted. It was a relief to drive away, to just be alone in the truck with Eren, who had pressed himself against me. He smelt of cologne, the fragrance intoxicating. I placed my hand on his thigh, feeling the warmth of his skin through the fabric of his pants.

            He put his hand over mine, giving out a small sigh. “Hey, what do you dream about? What do you want to do with your life?”

            “I haven’t thought about it much,” I admitted. “Before you came to Shiganshina, I always wanted to escape my life. It felt like a physical weight on my shoulders that I wanted to drop and leave behind. Now, I want to embrace it, but I still don’t know what I want to do.” That wasn’t entirely true. I knew what I wanted, what I dreamed about, but I also knew that it would upset him, because it involved him. Whenever I spoke about the future, he would get this strange expression on his face. He didn’t like to talk about what would become of us. He chose to live in the now, to focus only on the present.

            “I’ve always wanted to go to Italy,” he said, matter-of-fact. “I want to croon out poems in Italian while I stand naked on a balcony that overlooks the sea. Also, and this is a must, I’ll have to be holding a cigarette holder like Cary Grant, because it’d make me look sophisticated.”

            I pulled up in front of the dance studio, which was just a shabby old building that was dominated by a long, rectangular window that had been broken years before. The sign that hung above the front entrance was still in good shape, because there was hardly any sunlight to fade it. “Why Italy?”

            “Because it’s beautiful. Have you seen pictures of Tuscany? It’s like a dream.”

            I twisted the key in the ignition, the engine shutting off. “I’ve always wanted to go everywhere and nowhere at all.”

            “You want to be lost,” said Eren.

            I wanted to be lost with him. He was my dream, but sooner or later, I would wake up from this. What would I find waiting for me when I did?

            Instead of confirming what he had said, I opened the driver’s side door and stepped out. I stood there for a long moment, letting the cool wind raise goose bumps on my arms. Then I walked over to the other side of the truck, pulling open the door for Eren, who hopped out right away. We walked hand in hand to the front entrance and inside we found a round table in the very center of the studio. A white tablecloth had been draped over it, which was lit by two candles that seemed impossibly long since they were in silver candlestick holders.

            “Wow,” Eren said, striding up to the table. He picked up an empty wine glass, watching the flames from the candles bounce off of it. “This is really nice, Levi. Is that wine?” He bent down, picking up the bottle of Chardonnay that had been left in a small bucket of ice. He turned to me, eyes glowing with an emotion that made my breath catch. “How was I lucky enough to find you? ‘ _I love him to hell and back, and heaven and back, and have and do and will_.’ ”

            My heart was beating so fast, a constant _thump-thump_ in my chest. “Did you just indirectly tell me you loved me?”

            “I love you,” he whispered, setting the bottle of wine down on the table. “ ‘ _Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to be acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted_.’ I love you, Levi. I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I’ll love you tomorrow.”

            I stepped up to him and kissed his lips several times. “God, Eren, I love you, too.”

            He closed his eyes as though he were memorizing the exact way I had said those words to him. “Can I give you your gift before we sit down to eat?”

            “If you want to, yeah.”

            Lacing our fingers, he led me toward the dance studio mirrors, where both our gifts had been set down. Petra had brought them over for us.

            Picking up what looked like a black sketchbook, he handed it to me and said, “That’s everything I’ve drawn and written since I’ve been here. It’s kind of embarrassing, but I want you to have it. I want you to really know me and I express myself best through my drawings and writings.”

            I looked at him before I flipped open the book. On the first page, Petra had been drawn, her sweet smile perfectly captured in light shades of pink and white. I turned the page and there I was, staring at something that I didn’t remember seeing. It never ceased to amaze me how he could bring my features to life on a flat piece of paper, but he had done it multiple times already, making me look so vivid and alive. Beneath the drawing, he had written a quote, penmanship slanted: _As it has been said: Love and a cough cannot be concealed. Even a small cough. Even a small love. – Anne Sexton._

            Eren ran his index finger over my drawn eyes. “I drew this on the day I first saw you. I couldn’t get over the look in your eyes. It was like you were devouring the entire world at once.”

            “I don’t need the entire world.”

            “What do you need, then?”

            “Just you, Petra, and Jean.” That’s all I wanted.

He took my face in his hands, those eyes of his consuming me where I stood. “You’re going to destroy me, Levi Ackerman. You’re going to swallow me whole, and keep me inside you, and there, in your heart, I will begin to destroy you in return. I want to break all the rules when it comes to you. I don’t want to abide by anything.”

            “Then don’t. We can make up our own rules, or be without them altogether.”

            “So, if I asked you to take me to the beach and forget the food, you’d do it?”

            “I would.”

            He picked up the bottle of wine again. “Then let’s go.”

 

(x)

 

Sitting on the beach in the middle of the night was dream-like, the soft sound of the waves soothing, alluring.

            We had a good amount of wine in us. My whole body was warm and fuzzy, and the sky was brilliant above us, each star sparkling at the same time. I wanted to spend the rest of my life in this moment, with Eren’s hands balled up beneath my shirt, making me feel very awake.

            “I didn’t give you my gift,” I told him.

            “This is good enough.” He kicked off his shoes, burying his feet in the cold sand. “Mm, you’re very warm.”

            I pulled him onto my lap, resting my ear against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. “Tell me something true.”

            He ran his fingers through my hair. “I promise you love each and every day that I’m with you. I promise that time will not be able to take that away from you.”

            I clung onto him, pressing my hands to his back to get him closer to me, suddenly desperate. “I wish you could promise that time wouldn’t take you away from me.”

            _I wish that love wasn’t so selfish._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the line that Eren says, "I love you," followed by the quote from a poem by Sylvia Plath, well, yes, I actually said that to my significant other on our first anniversary. I am secretly Eren. If you were to meet me in real life, you'd hear me quoting poems, or beautiful words that stuck out from a song I'd listened to. I'm probably quite annoying ha. That's all right.
> 
> Next chapter is going to be a fun one! I promise it won't be all sad and gloomy. It will consist of Levi meeting Grisha for lunch, and him going to the library with Jean to "research gay sex". Haha I'm honestly looking forward to writing it. Also, Levi's outfit for the date was inspired by this: [(x)](http://oi61.tinypic.com/3145v5x.jpg)  
> I mean, dang. He would look good in it, let's not lie.
> 
> Until next time! Thank you for reading, as always. :)
> 
> Credits:  
> Quotes said by Eren: Sylvia Plath


	13. How to Be a Good Top

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It's the most virgin dress you could possibly wear_   
>  _Mess it up_   
>  _Time is up_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm aware that these last few chapters have been sad, so this chapter is a happy in between.  
> Also, Eren is a major tease, as I'm sure you all have learned by now. ;)

Before heading to the clinic, I scanned myself over in Petra’s full-length mirror, making sure there wasn’t any evidence that Eren and I had basically spent half the night making out on the beach. My eyes roamed over my reflection, checking all the visible skin, and that’s when I saw it: a hickey that was too high up on my neck to cover up with my coat.

            “Shit,” I hissed under my breath, running my fingertips over the area. I closed my eyes, pulling up the mental image of Eren sitting on my lap with his arms wrapped around my neck. He’d been kissing me like at any moment I would up and disappear. I had been too caught up in it to realize that he was leaving behind marks.

            As I was inspecting my neck, Jean walked into Petra’s room, announcing his entrance with his insufferably loud chewing. I caught his gaze in the mirror and watched how his mouth spread open in a wide smile. He’d seen what I was looking at.

            “Damn,” he said. “There’s no way in hell you’re going to be able to hide that from Dr. Jaeger.”

            I turned to him. “Thank you for pointing out the obvious.”

            He took another bite of his apple before he said, while still chewing, “Actually, Petra can cover that up with makeup. Just slap some of that liquid-y crap on it, and you’re good to go, my man.” He nodded, eyes crinkling as his smile widened. “Am I a genius, or what? Give me some love, baby.”

            “Genius, my ass. Just go get Petra. I have to be at the clinic in half an hour.”

            A few minutes later, I was sitting in front of Petra on her bed. She was applying something to my neck with a white sponge. I had no idea what she was doing, but according to her, she was covering up the hickey with foundation.

            “There,” she said after several minutes passed by, standing up straight to look over her handy work. “I think I did a good job. Jean, what do you think?”

            Jean stepped up to me, observing my neck through narrowed eyes. “I can’t even see it, which means he owes us both lunch, because we just saved his miserable ass.” He suddenly wrapped his arm around her waist, pretending to be absorbed in his apple. For a moment, Petra looked startled, but both of us noticed how she didn’t pull away.

            “Well,” I said, standing up, “I’ll give you money for lunch, but I need to get going. Are you going to drop me off?”

            Petra kept staring at the sponge she held as though it were interesting enough to hold her attention for long intervals of time. “Yeah, I can drop you off. I’ll, um, go get my keys.” She left the room a little too quickly.

            I glanced up at Jean, who had this dreamy expression on his face. “Smooth.”

            “Huh?” He met my gaze. “What are you talking about?”

            “You know, when I first met Eren, I refused to believe that I liked him. I even came up with excuses for how I reacted to him. Sound familiar at all?”

            “No,” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

            I rolled my eyes. “Stop playing dumb. It’s obvious that you feel something for Petra, and I think it’s about time that you do something about it. You’re making yourself miserable by sitting here pining over her, thinking that you’re not good enough, but I know that you are. Honestly, who knows her better than you?”

            Jean made it a point not to look at me when he responded. “I get it, okay? Can we just go now?”

            “You’ll thank me for this later,” I told him, persistent. “Plus, if I remember correctly, you kept pushing me until I realized my feelings for Eren and I’m glad that you did that. Or did you forget all about that?”

            “I didn’t forget.” He dropped his gaze to his feet. “But it’s different for me and Petra. We’ve known each other since we were kids. It just doesn’t seem likely that she’d want to be with me.”

            I sighed. “If you could hear the way she talks about you, you’d know why I brought this up to begin with. Just don’t let this time you have with her slip away. If you want to be with her, then let her know how you feel, because life is way too fucking short to have regrets.”

            “Yeah, you’re right,” he said with sudden confidence, but his voice lowered considerably when he asked, “Does—Does she really talk about me in a way that makes you think that she might like me?”

            “Yeah, but she’s just as oblivious to how she feels as you are.” I walked around him to get to the door. “She didn’t seem to mind when you put your arm around her waist, though.”

            At that, he smiled like a complete moron, trying to hide his flushed cheeks with his arm. He batted at the air with the hand that still held the apple, signaling for me to leave the room. “Just go already, asshole. You’re probably enjoying this.”

            “Oh, I am,” I admitted with a grin. “Now let’s go. I don’t want to be late.”

            Petra was already waiting for us outside in the truck. She didn’t say anything as Jean slid to the middle of the bench seat, but her eyes widened a bit when he sat closer to her than he normally would on any other day. Her gaze snapped to the road ahead, her grip on the steering wheel tightened, and I thought that was an excessive reaction for her to have to him being closer to her than usual. But that was good. That meant she felt something…more.

            After a few seconds on the road, Jean leaned forward and turned on the radio. A slow, thrumming song came on. I turned my head and gazed out the window, watching the miles and miles of open land stretch out before us. I couldn’t help but wonder what Grisha wanted to talk to me about.

            I knew _why_ he wanted to talk to me. I’d been dating his son for a while now, so it came as no surprise that he wanted to get to know me a little better, but what I was worried about was what he was going to tell me about Eren. I think a part of me liked being kept in the dark.

            “Don’t look so anxious,” Petra said. I peeked at her over my shoulder. “Grisha’s very nice. He’s not going to interrogate you, or anything like that.”

            “I know.”

            It didn’t matter if he wasn’t planning to interrogate me, I was still nervous. Grisha had the power to end my relationship, though Eren assured me that he would never do a thing like that. But I wasn’t exactly known as the good kid in this town—the exact opposite, actually. I would always be known as the kid that caused trouble, the kid raised by a fiend. Who would want someone like me for their son?

            When Petra pulled into the clinic’s parking lot, I heaved out a breath. Whether I liked it or not, this was something I had to do. It would mean a lot to Eren if I was on good terms with his dad, and I would walk halfway across the world on hot coals for him, so this was nothing in comparison to that. I could get through this.

            Pushing open the passenger side door, I stepped out, surprised to see the sun visible through the clouds. I closed my eyes, feeling no warmth from it, but watching how it turned the inside of my lids a bright, burning red. I smiled. This was a good sign.

            “Do you want us to stick around?” Petra asked.

            I shook my head. “No, it’s fine. I’ll walk home afterwards.”

            “No can do, my friend,” Jean said. “You’ve got something to do after this.”

            “What?”

            He smirked. “Does the word ‘research’ ring a bell?”

            My face felt like it was on fire. “Goddamnit,” I muttered. “You and Eren need to stop talking. When did he even tell you that?”

            “This morning on the phone. We’re good pals who enjoy talking behind your back.”

            I glared at him, envisioning his head exploding. “I’m leaving.”

            “Bye, baby.” He wiggled his fingers at me. “Call me when you’re through, so I can come pick you up. I mean it.”

            I answered him by shutting the door in his face. I didn’t mind that him and Eren were getting along, but did they have to discuss… _that_? Fuck. My face still felt warm.

            Walking up to the front entrance of the clinic, I thought about “researching” gay sex. The only place you could get Internet in this whole town was at the library, which made me cringe, because Ms. Brzenska was the head librarian during the summer. She would always check up on the people using the computers. The last thing I needed was for her to walk up and see me reading up on how to properly have sex with my boyfriend.

            God help me.

            How hard could it be? Of course it was different than straight sex, but not by much. Did Eren know that I didn’t have the slightest clue how to go about this? Is that why he was insisting that I brush up on the subject? Damn, sometimes being an innocent virgin sucked. Then again, he was just as much as a virgin as I was.

            I cleared my mind of any and all sexual thoughts the second I stepped into the clinic. The waiting room was empty, but I could see the receptionist sitting behind the front desk. It took me a minute to realize it was Krista. I didn’t know that she had started working here.

            “Hey, Levi,” she greeted when she saw me. “Dr. Jaeger is still with someone, but Eren’s in his office if you want to go back there until he’s finished. It’s right down the hall.”

            “Thanks.”

            I opened up the side door, noting how the clinic wasn’t very big. The walls had been painted a light yellow, but what I looked at were the pictures that had been hung up. There were so many of Eren, some of him when he was young, standing with no oxygen tank in sight, while others were of him just a few years back. There was one of him with longer hair that made me do a double take.

            Well, fuck me right now, he looked sexy as hell.

            “You’re staring.”

            I whirled around to see Eren wheeling himself up to me. He glanced at the picture I was looking at, and then returned his gaze to me with a smirk.

            “So,” he drawled, “you like me with longer hair.”

            I leaned against the wall, right next to the picture. “I like you with any type of hair.”

            He stopped in front of me before he tilted his head back and demanded, while pointing at his lips, “Kiss.”

            I leaned forward, placing my hands on his thighs as I kissed him. “You’ve been talking to Jean,” I whispered against his lips.

            “It was just a friendly reminder.”

            “Reminder? Do you think I could’ve forgotten about that?” I ran the tip of my tongue along his bottom lip. In that moment, I wished I _were_ experienced, that I could just pick him up and take him somewhere we could be alone, and that I’d know exactly what to do with him. I wanted to please him, but unfortunately I had no idea how to do that, so “researching” (I hated that word) was necessary.

            “No,” he whispered huskily, “I didn’t think you’d forget, but I want you to hurry up and get it over with.” He grabbed the collar of my shirt, using it to practically yank me into his lap. “Go into the room down the hall.”

            “But your dad—”

            “Is busy,” he cut me off.

            I didn’t even hesitate for a second, driven by the desire that had consumed me the moment he told me to go into the room. I righted myself and hurried down the hall, slipping into the dark room with only the tiniest hint of guilt. I wasn’t given any time to dwell on it, though, seeing as Eren was right behind me.

            For being in a wheelchair, he was fast. I was about to tell him this when he shut the door behind him, every word I was going to say dying on my tongue. I went to turn on the light, but he stood up, blocking my way. Before I knew what was happening, he had me pressed up against the wall, his leg in between both of mine.

            “I want you so bad,” he whispered, breath hot on my ear. “You’re all I ever think about, Levi.”

            I couldn’t form words. He kept rubbing his thigh against my crotch. I wanted to touch him, to make a mess of him. “You drive me fucking crazy.”

            “You do the same to me.”

            I wrapped my arms around his neck, sliding my fingers into his hair, using my hold on him to pull him down into a kiss. I wished that I could take him far away from everyone and everything. If I had the power to stop time, I would. I’d truly make us eternal, because even forever didn’t sound long enough when it came to him.

            “ _‘One day you will kiss a man you can’t breath without, and find that breath is of little consequence’_ ,” he murmured into my mouth. “I have to go before my dad finds us.”

            I groaned. “God, you’re going to send me to your dad with a boner.”

            “Mm,” Eren hummed, leaving a trail of kisses on my jaw. “I’ll see you tonight. But now I really do have to go.”

            “Okay.”

            He flicked on the light. I blinked several times before my eyes adjusted to it. “Oh, and check your phone.” Blowing me a kiss, he left the room.

            Adjusting my now too-tight jeans, I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out my phone. I didn’t know what I was expecting to find waiting for me there, but when I opened up a text from Eren to see a very nude picture of him, I think a part of me died and went to heaven.

            Holy shit! I wanted to examine the photo at every possible angle, to save it a thousand times over, but I couldn’t risk being caught by Dr. Jaeger while standing here ogling a picture of his naked son. That would be beyond awkward. It would also be hard to explain, but the picture was far too sexy to ignore. Eren was lying on his bed, body stretched out in the best of ways, accentuating his torso and those long legs that drove me mad.

            He was trying to kill me. I was sure of it.

            Before I combusted, I slipped the phone back into my pocket and counted back from one hundred. By the time I got to zero, I felt a bit better, but I still couldn’t get that image of Eren out of my head. I didn’t care if I had to spend hours upon hours at the library; I was going to learn how to make him a writhing mess beneath me.

 

(x)

 

Sitting across from Dr. Jaeger wouldn’t have been so awkward if I didn’t keep imagining his son naked.

            The diner he picked out was one out of two in Shiganshina. It wasn’t a bad place to eat, but I didn’t eat out much, considering I didn’t trust anyone else handling my food. So I settled for a cup of coffee and half of a ham and egg melt.

            “This is my first time here,” Grisha said, looking around at all the empty booths. The diner was plain, the walls painted an ugly green that were covered in even uglier pictures. The theme was basically we-don’t-give-a-crap-how-it-looks-just-sit-down-and-eat. “Eren seemed to like it, though.”

            I looked up at him. “Eren came here?”

            “That he did. I think it was the first week we were here. He was excited about me letting him roam town, so he went everywhere he could.”

            “That sounds like him.”

            Grisha smiled, drumming his fingertips on the tabletop. “Levi, I want you to know that I approve of you being with him. A lot of people believe that I’d let him be with just about anyone, because of his disease, but that isn’t true. If you weren’t good for him, I would intervene, but he’s been incredibly happy since he’s been with you. I have to say that it’s good to see him smiling so freely again.”

            Something in my chest tightened. “He’s good for me, too.”

            “So I’ve heard,” he said. He chuckled when he saw my worried expression. “It seems like a lot of people in this town were eager to share any information about you with me—both the good and the bad. But what I’ve learned from all I’ve heard is that you’ve become a hard working young man that was forced to stand on his own two feet long before his time, and from what I’ve seen, I think you’re doing a fine job at it.”

            I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. “So you’re really okay with me being with Eren?”

            “I am, but there’s one thing I’d like to address, and that’s Eren’s disease.”

            “I don’t know much about it,” I admitted.

            “I’m not going to sit here and school you on the facts, but you need to understand that there will be days that he won’t be able to hide it from you. He _is_ sick Levi, and sometimes it will be scary and ugly. I need to know that you won’t suddenly decide that you’re not up for this, because that would crush him.”

            I thought about all the times that I’d witnessed Eren struggling for breath, but I’d never wanted to run away. I wanted to be there for him, always. “I wouldn’t do that to him. I understand that he’s sick, that he won’t always be able to keep it from me.”

            “And you’re okay with that?” he asked, making eye contact with me. “It won’t be easy for you.”

            “Since when is love easy?” I realized what I said after the words had already left my mouth. I watched Grisha carefully, waiting for a bad reaction, but he just smiled.

            “I can see why Eren fell for you. To tell you the truth, I thought he’d get tired of this town rather quickly and we’d be out of here within a couple of months, but he adores this place. Well”—he looked at me—“I don’t think it’s the town he adores.”

            My cheeks grew hot, and I busied myself with pretending that my coffee was suddenly to die for. “I, uh…” _Shit!_

Grisha chuckled. “Ah, I’ve been warned not to embarrass you. It goes against the rules Eren set for me, so how about we just enjoy our lunch?”

            “Yeah, that sounds good.”

 

(x)

 

After my lunch with Grisha, I felt a lot better. I had his approval, which I knew would mean a lot to Eren. All in all, I felt weightless, capable of anything, which was entirely ruined when I spotted Petra’s truck pulling up in front of the clinic, because I was _not_ ready to go to the library with Jean.

            Before I could even step off the curb, the passenger door flew open and Jean said, “Get in, bitch. We’re going to teach you how to thoroughly fuck a man.”

            “Will you shut the hell up,” I hissed, glancing around.

            He sat up straight, since he had leaned over the bench seat to open the door. “Just get in the damn truck. We have business to attend to.”

            Twenty minutes later, both of us were sitting around a computer that was smack-dab in the middle of the library. There weren’t a lot of people here today, and the ones who were here were either busy reading, or on the other computers. I still felt exposed. Anyone could see the screen and it would be hard to play off what I was doing as anything other than what it was.

            “Hurry up,” Jean said beside me, impatient as usual. “If you keep acting suspicious, Ms. Brzenska is going to come over here. Just…move aside.” He shoved me over, fingers flying over the keyboard. A series of articles came up on the screen and Jean clicked on one with the title: _How To Be A Good Top._

Oh, God.

            “This is pretty simple,” he said after a while, eyes skimming over the article. “First, foreplay. Get him all hot and ready, and in this case, hard as fuck. Basically, get him craving that dick. Second, make sure he’s relaxed. Lube up those fingers and…” He started pumping his index finger in the air. “Just like that, baby. You better be taking mental notes, because do you see this skill? Damn, I should be getting paid for this.”

            I smacked his hand down. “Stop thrusting your finger in the air.”   

            He looked at me, mouth open. “I’m demonstrating what you’re supposed to do. You should be grateful. So, where were we?” He kept reading, and started thrusting his finger again. “Okay, so after he gets comfortable with the one, add another. Eventually, you’re going to work your way up to three.” Soon, he was pumping three fingers in the air. “By the time you reach this point, he should be begging for your cock. If he’s not, then you aren’t doing it right.”

            “Keep your voice down,” I warned, casting nervous glances around, but no one was looking at us. That was surprising, considering Jean was getting way too into pleasing the air. “You can stop now. I get it.”

            “Do you? Show me.”

            “I’m not going to show you—”

            “Show me, or I’ll announce what we’re doing.”

            “Goddamnit,” I muttered under my breath, raising three fingers in the air to start pumping them back and forth. I couldn’t believe he was making me do this. Why was I even listening to him?

            He watched me for half a second before he blurted out, “No. You’ve got the technique all wrong. You’re not trying to stab his asshole; you’re trying to gently coax it open. Were you watching me at all?”

            _Oh my god. Someone kill me._

“I don’t need to do it exactly like you’re doing it,” I retorted.

            “If you want to make him moan your name, then yes you do.” He grabbed my fingers, moving them just so. “That’s it. You’ve got to be flexible. Plus, you’re aiming to hit his prostate, which according to this article will make him come almost immediately, because it’s intense. It says here that”—he leaned closer to the computer—“it will make him feel like he’s continuously ejaculating. Well, shit, someone should rub _my_ prostate.”

            I hit the back of his head. “I can’t believe you’re saying all of this with a straight face.”

            “I’m trying to be helpful, but you’re the one that’s actually going to stick it up Eren’s ass.” He smirked. “Who would have thought that I’d be sitting in the library with you, teaching you how to be a good top? I deserve an award for this. This is blackmail material.”

            “I’m not the one finger fucking the air.”

            “If the air could speak, it’d be thanking me. It’d be begging me for more, because do you see this?” He began moving his fingers again. “That’s the definition of magical fingers. I’ve got what it takes. I have mastered the technique. Have you?”

            I stared at him. “I don’t even know why I agreed to bring you along. You’re so full of shit.”

            Jean suddenly sniffed the air. “Do you smell that? That’s the potent odor of jealousy.”

            I smacked his arm, and before I knew it, we were shoving at each other, laughing. It wasn’t until Ms. Brzenska was right behind us that we noticed her. We both froze in place, our heads slowly turning in her direction. She was looking at the computer screen, eyes darting from left to right as she read the first paragraph of the article.

            _No._

            “Jean,” she said in a calm tone when she was through, which made her ten times more terrifying. “Levi. Can I ask what you two are doing over here?”

            I fumbled for words that refused to form. “Um, well, uh…”

            “You see,” Jean began, but couldn’t continue.

            Ms. Brzenska pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose, blonde hair falling over her eyes. “Levi, I’m aware that you’re dating Dr. Jaeger’s son. Does this involve Eren?” I had no idea what to say to that. “Come with me.”

            We weren’t in school. Technically, I didn’t have to listen to her, but I found myself automatically reacting to her demand. I stood up and followed her toward one of the back rooms. This was it. She was going to call Grisha, whom I had just had lunch with, and tell him all about this. He’d know what Eren and I were planning to do, and then he’d change his opinion on me.

            Ms. Brzenska pushed open the door, waving me forward. Once I was inside, she followed in after me. I expected her to go directly to the phone sitting on desk, but instead she said, voice level, “If you have any questions concerning intercourse, please ask me now. I’m assuming you know how to practice safe sex. If you need a condom, I’ll provide you with one.”

            Was she giving me…the sex talk?

            This was too much for me. What was I supposed to say?

            “Ms. Brzenska,” I said, my voice all squeaky. “I-I think I’m good.”

            She stared at me over the rim of her glasses. “Are you sure? There’s no need to be embarrassed.”

            “I’m sure.”

            She held up her finger before she walked back to the desk. I watched as she pulled open the bottom drawer and grabbed something. Then she came back over to where I stood and handed me a condom and a small bottle of lube. “Always practice safe sex, for your safety, and for his.”

            In order to hurry this along, because I seriously needed to get out of here, I said, “Thanks.”

            “Any time. I’m here if you need me.”

            “Uh, okay.”

            She patted my back in a motherly way. “Go on now.”

            She did not have to tell me twice. I was already gone.

            As I was walking out, unsure of how I had survived that without dying of embarrassment, the cell phone in my pocket vibrated. I pulled it out and held it to my ear. “Hello?”

            “My dad said the lunch went well,” Eren said. “Want to come over to my house? I’m home alone.”

            I swallowed. “I’m at the library right now. Ms. Brzenska just gave me the sex talk, because she caught me and Jean looking up how to be a good top.”

            He laughed. “Really? Oh, _mon amour_ , I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for you to get caught. Just…come over. I’ll make it worth your while.” His voice had dropped to a sultry, seductive tone that did strange things to me. “So, should I expect you?”

            “I’ll be over in ten minutes.”

            “And I’ll be here waiting for you.” He hung up and I stood there for all of one second before I was rushing toward the front entrance.

            Suddenly, I was glad for my run in with Ms. Brzenska, because now I had a condom and lube.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so incredibly tired right now. It's 9 in the morning and I haven't slept. Like wow. What are words?  
> Anywho, I'm sure you guessed, but _mon amour_ means _my love_ in French. Eren will say this to Levi in every language he knows.  
>  But omfg, the library scene. Jean is just…I laughed while writing it, because can you imagine him sitting there in a very public library thrusting his fingers in the air while instructing his best friend how to have gay sex?! Ahaha, I can't. Someone please stop me from further embarrassing myself. xD  
> As for what will happen next chapter, we'll see. The sexual tension between these two is building to a point that something _needs_ to happen.
> 
> Ah, before I get carried away, thank you so much for reading, commenting, and leaving me kudos!
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://warriorflesh.tumblr.com) || [My Instagram](https://instagram.com/levi.eren_/)  
> I am tracking #chasingsummerfic on both. :)  
> Thank you to all those that have already shared their wonderful fanart with me.


	14. Je t'aime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Softly, sweetly_   
>  _Wrapped up in heaven's arms_   
>  _Sailing, soaring over the moon_   
>  _Gathering stardust_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of you like hot, nasty, kinky sex (I'm totally exaggerating), but I just want to tell you that what happens in this chapter is sappy love making. I repeat: sappy love making. :)
> 
> (Also, I'm really glad you guys enjoyed my humor (library scene) in last chapter) xD

Grisha had come home from work early, which wouldn’t have been a problem if I didn’t have my hand down Eren’s pants. I don’t think I’ve ever moved that fast in my life. The second my ears registered the sound of the front door opening, I was up on my feet, zipping and buttoning my jeans at lightning speed. Afterwards, I stood there awkwardly by the bed until Eren tugged me down next to him. I’d just sat down when his bedroom door opened.

            Grisha stood there in the doorway for several seconds, eyes darting from me to Eren. Then he held up a pink bakery box he was carrying. “I brought home some cupcakes. They’ll be in the kitchen, if you want any.”

            “Okay,” Eren sputtered out. I thought that was all he was going to say, but then he went on. “Um, Dad, do you think it would be okay if I went over to Petra’s house?”

            If I weren’t frozen in place, I would’ve shot him a look for that one. It would’ve been obvious to a blind man what we’d just been doing. To leave right after being caught meant to confirm it, to yell out that we wanted to finish what we’d started. Might as well stamp _Guilty as charged_ on my forehead.

            I expected Grisha to deny him, to come up with some excuse to keep him here, but all he said was, “Be home at eleven. And Levi”—my whole body snapped to attention at the sound of my name, and I looked up at him like a deer caught in headlights—“I meant what I said at the diner.” He shut the door after that, leaving me sitting there to fester in my confusion. I went over what we had talked about over lunch and remembered him telling me that he approved of me being with Eren.

            “That was his way of giving you his blessing,” said Eren, leaning to the side to press a heated kiss to my neck. His head snapped back. “Did you cover up the hickey I gave you?”

            “It was necessary. I wasn’t about to go out to lunch with your dad with a hickey on my neck, but that would have been nothing in comparison to this.”

            He laughed. “Stop worrying about it and let’s get out of here.”

            I picked up his shoes from off the floor and tossed them to him. While he put them on, I wondered how going over to Petra’s house was any better than staying here. Both Petra and Jean were there, and I wouldn’t be able to concentrate with them around. There was only one other place I could think of that Eren and I could be completely alone, and that was my house, the house I hadn’t been to in months.

            “What are you thinking about?” Eren asked, slinging his legs over my lap.

            I looked at him, at those eyes that drew me in since day one, and brought my hands up to cup his face. I ran the pad of my thumb over his parted lips and he closed his eyes. Looking at him, at the way he nestled his cheek against my palm, a rush of emotion came over me, the intensity of it overwhelming. I leaned my forehead against his and whispered, “There’s a part of me that you don’t know. It’s ugly and dark, but…I think I’m ready to show it to you.”

            Eren laced his fingers through mine and kissed my knuckles. “Where are you going to take me?”

            “To my uncle’s house,” I told him.

            “The one who taught you how to fight?”

            “Yeah.”

            He pressed his hands to my shoulders. The weight of them made me feel tied to the present. “Let’s go.”

            I pulled him onto my lap, slipping my arms beneath the backs of his knees. His wheelchair was by the door. For a beat, I stared at it, the constant reminder of his disease. IPF had taken so much from him, and it still wasn’t done—it wouldn’t be done until it had stolen everything. I wasn’t good at expressing myself. I couldn’t string together beautiful words for him, or recite poems from memory the way he did. I couldn’t conjure up lyrics to befit the way he made me feel, but I could tell him how I felt in my own clumsy way. I wanted to let him know that every day I woke up, I chose him.

            “Hey,” I said, burying my face against his chest as I walked up to his wheelchair, “I want to stay like this with you, always.” He made a soft noise, like what I had said pained him, but I pressed on. “I know that you don’t want to hurt me, that you think that what you’re doing is selfish, but I want to stay by your side for as long as you’re holding on, because I’ll always crave another day with you. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing your face.”

            As I sat him down, he looked up at me with some strange emotion that lit the dark-green in his eyes like fire. I didn’t know if that was good or bad, or if he thought that I sounded like a complete moron just now, but then he kissed me. This was a different kind of kiss, our lips pressed together in a silent confession: _I love you. I love you._

I’d always love him. Time wouldn’t be able to erase, or dull this feeling, even when he wasn’t by my side any longer.

            I leaned back, pressing my lips together, locking away his kiss inside of me. Then I grabbed onto the handle grips of his wheelchair and pushed him out of the room. Out in the entryway, I handed him his oxygen tank. He sighed, soft and defeated by the weight of it in his lap. “Do you have a marker?” I asked.

            “I always have a marker.” He slipped a black sharpie out of his back pocket and held it out to me.

            Without looking at him, I pulled off the cap and bent over him to write, in my sloppy penmanship: _This does not define you_ on his oxygen tank.  

            He stared down at the wiry letters, and then peered up at me. “I love you so much it hurts,” he said. 

            “I know the feeling.”

            We left the house after that, both of us stashed away in Petra’s truck. The heater was cranked up all the way, warming us. On the radio, a soft tune played, but quickly faded to a woman humming, gentle and low. Eren suddenly sat up straight, turning the volume up until all I could hear was the woman’s sensual voice singing to us in a foreign language. He started to sing along with her, his voice drifting over hers in a perfect polyphony.

            As he sang, he lifted my hand to his lips, kissing the tops of my fingers, warm breath caressing my skin. Goose bumps rose on my arm and he trailed his fingertips up the tiny mounds to my shoulder, where he pushed aside the collar of my shirt to slip his hand beneath it. Everything he did sent a shiver down my spine, the whole world turning into his light touches, the way his lips felt brushing against my skin, the tender sound of his voice.

            I was so lost in what he was doing that it took me a minute to realize that I had driven past the dirt road that would lead me to Kenny’s house. “Shit,” I muttered, pulling off the side of the road to do a quick U-turn. Eren sat there looking amused. “Don’t say a word.”

            He smiled. “Do I distract you, Levi?”

            “More than you’ll ever know. What song is this? It’s nice.”

            “ _La Vie en Rose_ by Melody Gardot. I quoted lyrics from this song when I gave you the drawing of Shiganshina for your graduation present.”

            “ ‘When he takes me in his arms, and speaks to me softly, I see the world through rose-colored glasses’.”

            “You remembered,” he said, brushing the hair away from my forehead. “That’s just a rough translation, but the song itself is trying to convey how it feels to be in love. Everything looks different, beautiful—dreamy.”

            I turned onto the dirt path, ignoring the gnawing feeling that erupted in my stomach. Just like the oxygen tank to Eren, this house didn’t define me. Kenny didn’t define me. He was gone and I was still me. I was still Levi. I’d never be like him. “I get that,” I told Eren, though my voice sounded far away.

            “Are you okay?”

            I swallowed, but that did nothing to rid me of the lump that had formed in my throat at seeing all the familiar things passing us by. I had so many horrible memories in this house. “Yes and no.”

            “Levi if you aren’t ready—”

            “I’m ready,” I interrupted. “With you, I’m ready.” I wanted to face up to these skeletons in the closet. Once I did, they wouldn’t be able to hurt me anymore.

            When the house finally came into view, I eased my foot off the gas pedal. It looked the same as it always did: a white, one story house that hadn’t been cared for in years. The shutters on the windows were falling off; the wood chipped and tattered. The once green lawn was now a lifeless brown with holes dug up every few feet by wild animals. Once upon a time, this had been my home. Now it was just a stranger’s house looming before me.

            I parked under the carport, twisting the key in the ignition. Silence followed straight after the engine cut off, the weight of it tangible. There was a reason I hadn’t been back here, why I had avoided it for so long. My legs felt heavy beneath me, impossible to move, almost like they knew where I was. But, when Eren grabbed my hand, clutching it in his own, I remembered that everything was okay. He made everything okay.

            Leaning forward, I picked up his cannula and turned to him, wrapping it around the backs of his ears. He smiled as he adjusted it on his face. Then he wrapped his fingers around my wrists, bringing them down to rest in his lap.

            “You know you’re passed all this, right?” he said.

            I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting his words sink in. “I know.”

            “No matter what memories this place digs up, they’re in the past. They can’t affect you anymore unless you let them.”

            I knew that too, but it was nice to be reminded. “Are you ready to go inside?”

            “Are you?”

            “Yes.”

            “Then so am I.”

            Pushing open the driver’s side door, I grabbed his oxygen cart and set it outside before I slid out. Eren came out behind me, red Converse sneakers standing out against the washed out pavement. He took hold of the handle of his cart in one hand, and my hand in the other. Together, we walked up to my old home that held bits of me that I longed to forget.

            When we reached the front door, I knelt down and picked up the key I had hidden the day I walked away from this house, from Kenny. It was still tucked beneath a flowerpot, the silver glinting under the overcast sky. After I unlocked the door with it, we both stepped inside at the same time. The interior smelt stale, unlived in. Everything was covered in a layer of dust, but aside from that, it was all the same. It was exactly as I remembered it.

            Eren towed me forward until we were standing in the living room. It was the biggest room in the house, the couches in it a flat green, the carpet an even duller brown. I noticed that the TV screen still had a huge scratch going down the middle, something I had done in hopes that Kenny would come back and see it, but he hadn’t come back. I’d done it for nothing.

            “Is this you?” Eren asked, dropping my hand to pick up a picture frame from on top of the end table. In it was a photo of Jean and me. “How old are you in this?”

            “Twelve. Jean was eleven.”

            He touched my face in the photo with his index finger. “Oh my god. You were so cute.”

            “Were?” I teased.

            “ _Are_. Definitely are.”

            We walked through the rest of the house until we came to my old bedroom. I let Eren go in first and scrutinized his expression as he glanced at everything. At first, he looked fascinated by the Maxim poster that was tacked above my bed, which had been Jean’s doing. Then, as his eyes raked over the rest of the room, his expression turned thoughtful. I watched him look at the collage of photos beside my desk. He touched my face in every one of them, as though he would be able to reach my younger self through that simple gesture. His fingers lingered on one where I was laughing. Petra had tickled my side in time for Jean to capture it.

            “I love this one,” Eren said, gazing at the picture as if it were something amazing.

            “You can have it.”

            He turned to me. “Really?”

            “Yeah.”

            “I’ll get it when we leave,” he said, walking over to the twin size bed. He plopped down onto it, unwinding the cannula from around his ears. He set the tube down on the bedside table, and then held his arms out to me. “Come here, _amore mio._ Let’s make new memories in this house. _‘Come sleep with me: We won’t make love, love will make us.’_ ”

            I padded over to the bed, tilting my head down to touch my lips to his. He leaned back, taking me with him. I tangled my fingers in his shirt as he shoved my coat back on my shoulders. I took the hint and shrugged it off, chucking it onto the floor without a care. Being in my old room felt strange, but I liked that he’d seen this part of me and was still here; kissing and touching me, helping me tug off my clothes.

            When I pushed his shirt up over his head, the material sliding up his arms, I trapped his wrists in my hand. I looked down at him, at the way color spread across his cheeks, soft and pink, like a rose. He was so beautiful, and I understood how, back when cameras didn’t exist, people learned how to draw in order to capture the beauty of something, someone. If I lived back then, I would’ve painted until I could replicate Eren’s tender smile, his astounding eye color, the way he looked when he looked at me.

            I leaned down to press my lips just below his ear. “You’re going to have to be patient with me,” I whispered against his skin. “I only have a vague idea of what I’m doing here and I don’t want to hurt you.”

            “Don’t think about it so much. Go based off of my reactions.” He cupped my cheek, steering my attention back to his face. “We’re both new at this, Levi. We’ll learn together.”

            I nodded once before I picked up my jeans and fished out the condom and lube Ms. Brzenska had given me. I placed them on the nightstand, letting out a shaky breath. This was really happening. Eren was lying beneath me, lips parted, waiting, and I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone other than him.

            Maintaining eye contact with him, I ran my hand down his bare side, letting my fingers flit over his lower stomach. I leaned forward, kissing a trail from one hipbone, to the other. At the contact, he began to tremble, soft tremors that bled into my lips. I eased my hands under him to press my palms against the small of his back, coaxing his hips up. My mouth was now hovering right above the head of his member; warm breath washing over the sensitive skin, and a strained moan left him.

            It was the softest of sounds, but it drove me crazy with want, made me yearn to hear more.

            Eren suddenly propped himself up on his elbows, leaning to the side to switch on a CD player that was on my nightstand. He pushed play and soon the room was filled with the beat of a song I’d forgotten long ago. “So this is the kind of music you—mm.” His eyes squeezed shut as I experimentally gave a lick to the underside of his length. He breathed out, heated gaze finding mine. “Do that again.”

            I did it again, slowly, keeping a close watch on his face. His mouth fell open on a hoarse groan that made me shake in anticipation. I sat up, body tense, and braced my arms on either side of his head. He ran his hands up them, looking at me as he took hold of my wrists. I stared down at him for a few seconds before I reached over and grabbed the lube. The bottle felt impossibly heavy in the palm of my hand. I was so nervous, but Eren guided me, slipping the bottle out of my grasp to twist off the cap.

            After he poured a generous amount onto my fingers, he directed my hand in between his legs. His breath caught in his throat when he pressed my slick fingers against his entrance. I leaned down, our bodies clashing, and claimed his lips with my own. I was consumed with desire, downright lost in him, that I almost didn’t hear how his breathing was becoming labored.

            “Eren,” I said as I slipped my finger inside him, gently, “if you’re having trouble breathing, put your cannula on.”

            His nails bit into my skin, body shaking against mine. “That wouldn’t”—he gasped when my finger slid deeper into him—“be attractive: me with my cannula on. That’s probably not how you imagined this happening.”

            “Hey.” I stopped what I was doing, meeting his eyes. God, I loved him so much. How could he think I’d mind if he had it on? “It doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t change anything.”

            Why couldn’t I tell him everything I felt? Why were words so evasive when I needed them the most? I wasn’t lying here, opening myself up to him completely, simply because of how he looked. This was so much more than lust.

            His eyes flicked over to where his cannula was on the nightstand, and then back up to my face. He couldn’t mask the expression of worry that contorted his features. “It won’t bother you? Be honest with me, Levi.”

            “I am being honest with you. To me, you’re perfect.”

            For a long moment, he looked far away, lost in thought, and then he leaned to the side to retrieve his cannula. He went about the mechanics of putting it on, inhaling deeply to regain his breath. All the while, he avoided eye contact with me. _This_ wasn’t how I’d imagined it, him pulling away from me, ashamed that his illness had crept in unannounced.

            “I love you,” I told him, because it was the truth. “This”—I touched the tube that rested against his cheek—“doesn’t change the way I look at you. It never will. _‘We won’t make love, love will make us,’_ remember?”

            He turned his head to kiss my palm, eyes closing. “I remember.”

            I began to move my finger again, mindful of his reactions. He seemed utterly absorbed in what I was doing, bottom lip caught between his teeth. Beads of sweat dampened the hair on his forehead, and fuck, I never knew he could be this sexy. My entire body was taut, eager, but I took my time opening him up. I didn’t want to rush into this and wind up hurting him.

            By the time I slipped in a third finger, Eren was clawing at my arms, head moving from side to side unconsciously. “Am I hurting you?” I asked, suddenly worried that I was doing this all wrong.

            “Huh?” His eyes flew open and they pinned me to the spot. Those beautiful irises that I fell in love with from the very first moment I saw them were alive with color, even if they were almost drowned out by his dilated pupils. “N-no you’re not hurting me. You keep touching something that—” His eyes snapped closed, mouth opening on a silent cry.

            “That?”

            He moaned in a way that made me ache to my very core. When he recovered, he said, “You make me crazy.” He sat up, and without prior warning, tore open the condom that he picked up from where I’d placed it. Leaning back, I watched with rapt attention as he rolled it onto me. “It’s a good thing I learned how to do that before this. Now”—he lay back down, running his hand up the back of my thigh—“stop making me wait.”

            I swallowed, movements sloppy and uncoordinated as I lubed up. It took every ounce of will power I possessed to go slow, to continue to be gentle as I pressed the head of my cock to his entrance. Breathy pants spilled from my mouth, and my thoughts became muddled, but I forced myself to concentrate on Eren’s face, to watch for any signs that he was in pain. The tight heat surrounding me made it difficult. All of me wanted to thrust forward, to give into the pleasure sending sparks of heat up my spine.

            I leaned down, pressing our bodies together. “Be sure to tell me if I’m hurting you.” My voice was rough and deep, sounding nothing like me. He was the only one who’d ever heard me like this.

            Eren wrapped his arms around me, fingertips brushing up my neck. “You’re not hurting me,” he said, burying his fingers in my hair. “You’re shaking.”

            “That’s because it’s taking a lot of effort to go slow,” I confessed.

            With one more gentle push of my hips, I was fully inside of him. He held me close, and I could feel his sturdy heartbeat so strongly; it was like it was burrowed in my own chest, right below my ribcage.

            “It’s okay to move,” Eren whispered after a while. “I’m all right.”

            I buried my face in the crook of his neck and set a slow pace. I kept to it until he swung his legs around my back, forcing me in deeper, tearing a low groan from my throat. His heels dug into the base of my spine, and when I looked down at him, he leaned up and our lips met in a feverish kiss. His tongue was hot in my mouth; his nails digging and scratching at my back, leaving behind marks that I was sure would last for days. But I didn’t mind.

            I was his to mark.

            I eased my hands under him, taking hold of his hips to hitch them up. I thrust into him at this new angle and he tightened around me, moaning my name like a plea. I couldn’t think past how good this felt, being here inside of him, hearing him gasp out my name with each movement I made. I was so close, the pleasure building to an unbearable level. I wouldn’t be able to hold out for much longer.

            Knowing this, I snaked a hand down in between us, grabbing the base of his cock. I stroked him fast, biting his bottom lip, tasting and swallowing every sound he made. He came suddenly, back bowing off the bed, walls clenching around me to the point that it was difficult to move. I groaned alongside with him until I reached my own peak, giving into it entirely, letting it ripple through me. It was only after my hips stilled that I forced myself up onto my arms, putting all my weight on them, even when they refused to stop trembling.

            “Eren?” I questioned, wanting to make sure he was okay. I brushed the hair that clung to his forehead aside, thumb ghosting over his eyebrow.

            “I can’t think right now. Give me twenty minutes.”

            My limbs were shaky and weak, so I pulled out of him before I flopped down beside him on the bed. I rolled onto my side to press my hand to his chest, his frantic heartbeat just beneath my fingertips. “You okay?”

            “More than okay,” he said with a stupid grin lighting up his face. “It’s cold in here.”

            “The power isn’t on here anymore, that’s why.” I sat up. “Give me a minute.”

            I got out of bed and discarded the condom before I pulled out a small pack of Kleenex tissues from the top drawer of my old dresser. I cleaned him up as best I could. Then I asked him if he wanted me to take him home.

            “No,” Eren mumbled sleepily. “I’m tired. Let’s sleep.”

            “Then at least put on your shirt and boxers. It’s going to get colder in here.”

            “But I’m too sleepy.”

            I rolled my eyes, smiling. “Sit up so _I_ can put your shirt on, then.”

            “Make it _your_ shirt.” He sat up, hair a mess. I picked up my shirt from where I had tossed it and slipped it on over his head.

            “Here are your boxers.”

            With a grunt, he put them on. I did the same with mine and then crawled back into bed with him, throwing the comforter over the both of us. He immediately snuggled up against me, tucking his hands in between my thighs.

            “I can’t feel my legs,” he said pleasantly.

            “Is that good or bad?”

            “It’s good. I feel boneless. _‘And now you’re mine. Rest with your dream in my dream. Love and pain and work should all sleep, now. The night turns on its invisible wheels, and you are pure beside me as a sleeping ember. No one else, Love, will sleep in my dreams. You will go; we will go together, over the waters of time. No one else will travel through the shadows with me, only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moon.’_ ”

            I kissed his forehead. “I hope you realize how much I love you.”

            “I do, but tell me always.”

 

(x)

 

I woke up sometime later, the room beyond chilly. I drew Eren closer to me, tucking the blanket around him to keep our body warmth inside. There was barely enough light left in the day to make out his face, his soft features made softer in sleep. I placed my hand on his cheek, careful not to wake him, and couldn’t imagine living without this. I would never be ready to give this up.

            For the first time in my life, I said a prayer that I hoped would reach whatever God would be willing to listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I made a playlist. I only included a handful of songs that remind me of Chasing Summer, but if you'd like to listen to it, you can [here.](http://8tracks.com/l-insolite/chasing-summer) Honeymoon and America are in Eren's POV, the rest are in Levi's. Also, if you'd like to share any songs that remind you of this fic with me, I'd love to give them a listen. :)
> 
> Ah, Levi is so cute. He isn't really touchy feel-y. He doesn't mind when Jean or Petra touch him (hug, wrap their arm around his shoulders, ext.), but he's really touchy feel-y with Eren, even more so after the deed. He just likes touching him. Whether that be holding hands, putting his hand on the small of Eren's back, or messing with his hair, he just enjoys the contact. It's so adorable. (Love like this exists, I promise you)
> 
> Anyway, I was holding a contest on my IG account, but then I realized that not everyone reading this fic would be able to enter, so I decided that the prize, a side story, would just go to all of you who'd like to read it. This side story will be the first 2 or 3 chapters of this fic, but in Eren's POV. Also, how many of you would like to read a side story about Petra and Jean? I'm curious about that.
> 
> As usual, thank you so, so much for reading, for leaving me comments that help me to continue writing this story with excitement, and pressing that kudos button. I appreciate every single one of you. ❤


	15. My Faded Fantasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You could have my favorite face_   
>  _And favorite name_   
>  _I know someone who could play the part_   
>  _But it wouldn't be the same_   
>  _As it is with you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while to post. I've been under a lot of stress at work, and stress + me = unable to write to save my life. But we're here, once again, so go on and read. :)
> 
> Also, a slight trigger warning. There will be some (not much) physical violence in this chapter.

“What do you think?” Eren asked, sitting back on the bed so I could get a better look at my shoulder. I turned my head, analyzing the burgundy dahlia that bloomed on my skin. Before I could answer him, he brought the paintbrush up once again, adding a touch of white to one of the petals, accentuating the tip. “There.”

            For over a week now, we’d been coming to my old house, creating new memories that were diluting the bad ones until they were nothing more than fragments that were easy to sweep away, to forget. Eren had made my room into our safe haven, painting a sunset of orange, red, and purple above my headboard. He had told me that it would be the last thing I’d see before I fell asleep. Little did he know that, as long as he slept by my side, he would be the last thing I’d see, because I would always be looking at him.

            “I’ll never understand how you can paint something that looks so real,” I told him while still gazing down at the flower that complimented my pale skin.

            He smiled, crossing his legs as he leaned over the side of the bed to pick up his film camera. “So you like it?”

            “Yeah,” I said, resting my head on my folded arms. I closed my eyes, listening to the click of the camera as he took a picture of me. “I’m naked.”

            “So am I.”

            I grinned. “You’re not taking pictures of yourself.”

            “I develop the film. No one else will see these, so just keep on lying there looking unbelievably beautiful. And Levi?”

            “Hmm?” I opened my eyes halfway, getting only a glimpse of him before he snapped another picture. As I looked up at him, he leaned forward on his knees, twisting the focus ring until he was satisfied with what he saw through the lens. He pressed his finger down on the shutter button. “I have to go into work soon. I should get up, get dressed, and act civil. When’s the last time we ate actual food? I swear we’ve been living off Pop-Tarts.”

            Eren sat back to set the camera on the nightstand, and then lay down next to me, pressing his cold feet to my warm ones. “I have no idea. I could go for eggs right now, though.” He paused, looking thoughtful. “My lower back hurts. I don’t think it remembers how my body was before it became very acquainted with yours.”

            I sat up, giving his shoulder a gentle shove in the process. He took the hint and turned onto his stomach. I began to rub the small of his back and he hummed in approval. “I should trim my undercut before I head into work. You’ve been distracting me, so I haven’t done it in a while. It’s starting to get out of hand.”

            “I’ve actually been wanting to see you do that since you told me you do it yourself. Here, let me up. I’ll go get everything set up in the bathroom for you.” He went to roll over, but I kept him in place by taking ahold of his hips. He gave me a quick glance over his shoulder, but didn’t say anything as I continued to massage his back.

            I liked being here with him, away from everyone and everything. When we were in this house together, the real world seemed impossibly far away, imaginary. The only thing that felt real to me in these early hours of the morning was Eren curled up next to me in this bed, kissing me and telling me about all the things he wanted to do. Listening to him talk about his dreams, his lung disease seemed made up, an awful lie.

            “Hey, Levi?” Eren turned onto his side, grabbing my wrist and pulling me on top of him.

            I placed my forearms next to his head to hold my weight up. “Yeah?”

            “Do you think you’ll ever be like this with anyone else?”

            I stared down at him, our eyes meeting—grey to green. What did he want me to say to that? If I were to be honest with him, I’d tell him that I couldn’t imagine being this close with anyone other than him. But I also knew that time had a funny way of pulling you toward your next destination whether you liked it or not. Could I ever fall in love again? Yes, I think I could, years from now. But would it ever be this intense, this _raw_? No. I couldn’t even picture giving myself over to anyone the way I’d given myself to him.

            “No one will ever have me the way you do,” I whispered.

            He reached up to cup my cheek. “But you won’t let the memory of me ruin your happiness with someone else, right?”

            “Eren, I don’t know how I’ll be…after.”

            “When I’m gone, let me go. Keep these memories, but don’t let them hurt you. If they do, then let them go, too.”

            I climbed off of him and swung my legs over the side of the bed. How could he sit there and ask that of me? He made it sound like it would be easy to forget him. It wouldn’t be easy. _Nothing_ would be easy without him. Living after he was torn from this world way before his time would be the fucking hardest thing I’d ever have to do. Erasing him from my life would be an impossible task, because he was everywhere I looked, in everything I did.

            “Levi?”

            I stood up, unable to keep still for a second longer. He always brought this up, and I couldn’t blame him for it, because I didn’t have the slightest clue how it felt to live with something that was permanently staining your future. “You gave me the choice to walk away from this, didn’t you?” I asked, turning around to face him. He had gone pale, eyes wide, but he was quick to compose himself. He was trying to be brave for me, willing to let me go if that’s what I wanted.

            “Yes, you still have that choice, too. You’ll always have that choice.”  

            “Did I take the chance when you gave it to me?”

            “No,” he said, eyebrows drawing together, “you didn’t.”

            I knelt down so that we were at eye level. Then I grabbed his face, making him look at me. “You’ve told me countless times that you feel selfish for being with me, and I’ll tell _you_ again that I’m just as selfish. Every second that you have, I want it. I want you in my life, Eren. Don’t think about how I’m going to be after you. This is the choice I’ve made. You didn’t force it on me.”

            “But I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to ruin you, even when you said it was okay, because it’s _not_ okay. It’s never going to be okay to do this to you.”

            “It would hurt me more to lose you now, while you’re still here, than to lose you later.”

            Eren groaned, broken and defeated. “I hate this so much. No matter how happy I am, there is always going to be a part of me that dwells on the bad. Every time I put on my cannula, or sit down in my wheelchair, it’s like being punched in the gut.” He touched his chest. “It’s always there. There is no break from it.”

            “I know, and I’m sorry.”

            He rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling as though he would be able to find answers written there. “You want to know what scares me the most, Levi? It’s not this disease that’s slowly killing me. I’ve come to terms with that— _had_ to come to terms with that. What truly scares me is knowing that one day I’ll have to leave you whether I want to or not. And I don’t think I’ll ever want to leave you.”

            Resting my knee on the side of the bed, I pulled him up into my arms without warning. He gave me a what’s-the-big-deal look, but I just carried him out of the room. He didn’t fuss as I walked down the hallway, or pushed open the bathroom door, but when I set him down on his feet, he put his hands on his hips. “I thought you wanted to see me trim my undercut,” I explained before he could say anything. “And stop looking so cute. Fuck. It should be illegal.”

            That got him to smile, but he pouted right after. “I wanted to take pictures.”

            “I’ll go get your camera, then.”

            Back in my room, I slipped on my boxers and black pajama bottoms. We had spent enough time roaming around this house naked. Not that I minded, but I liked these moments, too. When we were doing something atrociously normal together. So after I picked up Eren’s camera, I grabbed his clothes and slung them over my shoulder. Then I made my way back into the bathroom, where he was setting up the clippers with careful precision.

            “Here,” I said, handing him my shirt. He grinned as he slipped it on over his head.

            “So, how does this work?” he asked, all but karate kicking his leg into the pant leg of his pajama bottoms. “Do you tie your hair up so it doesn’t get in the way?”

            “No, usually Jean or Petra holds it up for me.”

            He wagged his finger at me, smiling. “I have a better idea.” Pulling open the medicine cabinet, he retrieved a glittery pink scrunchie that I recognized as Petra’s. He twirled it around his finger, grinning from ear to ear.

            “Are you being serious right now?” I asked, staring at him all the while.

            “I am. Turn around.”

            I turned around and he came to stand behind me, pressing his front to my back. I stared at him in the mirror, watching him gather up my hair into a ponytail. He wrapped the scrunchie around the small bundle of hair, and then stepped back to admire his work. I just continued to stare at him, because he was gawking at me, teeth clamping down on his bottom lip.

            “I need a picture of this,” he said, matter of fact.

            “No. No evidence.”

            “Please. Just one,” he begged. I held up my index finger, indicating he could take one picture, and one picture only. He leaned forward to kiss my cheek. “You look cute.”

            “I look like an idiot.”

            Raising the camera up, Eren told me, “Not true. Even with that in your hair, you’re ridiculously sexy. I don’t even know how you do it.” _Click._ “You’re extremely”— _click_ —“fuckable.”

            I lifted my eyes up to meet his in the mirror. “One, you took two pictures. I’m never trusting you again. And two, I don’t think you can handle me. I’m pretty hard to please.” I smirked, raising an eyebrow in a challenge I knew he would take.

            In one quick move, Eren spun me around and ground his hips against mine. I wasn’t given any time to react before he lifted me up and pressed me hard against the wall. Instinctively, I wrapped my legs around his waist, almost moaning when he tilted his head down and growled,  “Oh, I think I can handle you just fine,” into the crook of my neck.

            I swallowed, trying to find words, but I couldn’t grasp onto any. Not when he was sucking and biting on my neck like it was his mission in life to yank every obscene sound that I could possibly make out of me. My brain was still fumbling for words (I’d settle for one) when he suddenly grabbed my wrists and pinned them above my head in one fluid movement. Fuck me. Where did this come from? Had he always been this strong? “Shit,” I breathed, leaning my head back to grant him better access, because I _needed_ his lips on me. “Okay, maybe you can handle me.”

            “Maybe?” he said huskily, breath hot on my jaw. “This says otherwise.” He rubbed the front of my pants, where I had grown hard at breakneck speed. I unconsciously rubbed against the palm of his hand, seeking friction. “You’re so open like this.”

            “Shut up. You’re the only one I’d let see me like this. I mean, I have a goddamn scrunchie in my hair right now.”

            He chuckled, all breath. “I meant that you’re being vulnerable with me.”

            “That’s because I’m in love with you,” I told him, meaning it. I wouldn’t let anyone else take control of me, but it felt natural to let my guard down with Eren. “If I could show you my soul, I would.” He drew his head back to look at me, eyes boring into mine, seeing something there that made him set me down on my feet. “What are you doing?” Did he not realize that I could literally chop wood with this boner?

            He put his hands on my hips. “You were very gentle with me our first time. I want to be gentle with you, too.”

            “You think of this _after_ you get me as hard as a rock?” Seriously, I could do more than just chop wood. I could annihilate it.

            “Shh.” He touched his lips to mine in a soft kiss. “ _De noche, amado, amarra tu corazón al mio.”_

            “What does that mean?” I asked.

            Eren rested his forehead against mine. “ ‘At night, beloved, tie your heart to mine.’ Be mine tonight. Let me love you like you’ve loved me.”

            I smiled, because he went from I’ll-fuck-you-up-against-this-wall-right-now, to let-me-make-love-to-you-softly-and-sweetly within a seconds time. “Tonight, then. You better not back down. Now let me trim my undercut, because I start work soon.”

            “‘Kay,” he said, watching me adjust myself in my pants, because this hard on had a mind of its own right now.

            With the stupid scrunchie still holding my hair up, I turned on the clippers. Eren went to go sit down on the edge of the tub, breathing unevenly. He had a pensive expression on his face, so I concentrated on the task at hand. I’d done this plenty of times before. It should’ve been easy, but I couldn’t focus to save my life. I was going to nick myself, if I kept this up, so I turned to him and said, “Do it for me?”

            His eyes snapped up to my face, comically wide. “But I’ve never done it before. What if I screw up?”

            “Then you screw up.” I shrugged.

            He stood up and crossed the space between us. Then, with a doubtful look, he took the clippers I held out to him. “You’re going to have to guide me through this.”

            “It’ll be easy. Relax.”

            Twenty minutes later, after minor casualties, my undercut was trimmed. Eren shut off the clippers and set them down on the sink before he tugged the ridiculous scrunchie out of my hair. Running his fingers through the long strands, he said, “It looks good.”

            “See? It wasn’t hard.” I wrapped my arms around his waist. “You feeling okay? You’ve been standing for a while now.”

            “I’m always okay when I’m with you.”

            Knowing that he was all right, I picked him up, carrying him bridal style. “Come on. I have to go get dressed or I’m going to be late. I don’t think Coach will tolerate anymore of my shit this week. Do you remember last time?”

            Eren giggled. “You mean the time you showed up looking like you just had sex, because you _did_ just have sex?”

            “Yes,” I said. “I swear my hair looked like someone just vacuumed over it, and my shirt was buttoned up all wrong.”

            “You always have such crazy sex hair.”

            I eyed him. “Uh, you can blame yourself for that one. You practically rip it out of my skull.”

            He looked abashed, which made me laugh. “You’ve never complained before.”

            “And I’m not complaining now.”

            When I walked into my room, I heard my cell phone going off. I set Eren down on the bed, and then went in search of my phone, which ended up being under a pile of clothes near the bed. “Hello?”

            “Goddamnit, Levi,” Petra muttered, sounding both relieved and angry at the same time. “Why did it take you so long to pick up? I’ve been calling you for the last hour.”

            “Sorry. I’ve been busy with Eren. What’s going on? You sound weird.”

            “It’s Jean. His dad… Levi, his dad is back. He took him back to the house. I’ve been trying to reach Sheriff Flagon, but no one answers at the station. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been running around for the past hour hoping to find him, or Hanji, but with no luck. Do you know what that means?”

            I knew exactly what that meant. “Go back to your house. I’m going to drop Eren off there, and then I’m going to get Jean. Call Coach Smith and tell him what’s going on.”

            “You can’t go by yourself. He’ll hurt you too. The best thing to do would be to wait for Erwin to get there. Levi—”

            “I’ll be there soon.” I hung up, not giving her a chance to finish. She wouldn’t be able to convince me not to go. It didn’t matter if I had to face Jean’s dad alone, or that he might hurt me for rushing in there to try to protect his only son. I _was_ going to get Jean. I wouldn’t leave him alone in this. “We have to go.”

            Eren looked up at me in confusion. “What’s wrong?”

            “Jean’s dad is back.” I knelt down without giving him more details, scooping up his sneakers by the shoelaces. I tossed them to him. “I’m going to drop you off at Petra’s house.”

            “Is everything okay?”

            For a brief moment, I thought about lying to him. I didn’t want him to stress out about this, but I knew that he couldn’t stand being lied to, so I said, “I don’t know.”

            I could only hope that everything was okay, that Jean wasn’t hurt. If something happened to him…

            No. He was fine. He had to be fine.

            After Eren put on his shoes, I carried him out to the truck. I didn’t bother putting on clothes, because I needed to get to Jean. The longer I took, the more chances of him getting hurt. I’d rather show up there in nothing but my pajama bottoms, then to give his dad time to take his anger out on his only son’s face. Why did he have to come back? Why couldn’t he stay far away from this town?

            My heart was hammering in my chest by the time I pulled up in front of Petra’s house. She was already outside waiting for us, cheeks rosy red from the cold weather.

            Stepping out onto the asphalt, I ran to the passenger side, yanking open the door. Eren didn’t look at me as I gathered him up in my arms. I wanted to comfort him, to erase that worried expression, but I had to go. “I love you,” I told him, pressing a kiss to the side of his mouth. He wrapped his arms around me then, clinging onto me until I sat him down on Petra’s couch. “I’ll be all right. Don’t worry about me, okay?”

            “That’s easier said than done.”

            “I’ll be fine,” I assured him. “Trust me.” Then I was running out of the house, all but lunging into the truck once I reached it. Hundreds of images of Jean’s face drifted through my mind as I drove to his house. His dad had left him broken, shattered and defeated, and now he came back to do it all over again.

            I wouldn’t let him.

            It felt like time had stopped and sped up all at once. Everything was passing by too slow, yet too fast. It was making it hard to think, to form logical thoughts, but I didn’t have to think to act.

            The second I pulled into Jean’s driveway, I was out of the truck. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me, shoving the front door open with enough force to make it slam against the wall. The house was eerily quiet as I stepped into the entryway, all I could hear was my harsh breathing, but I kept walking, kept listening for any indication that Jean was here. It wasn’t until I reached the living room that I saw any evidence that Jean’s dad had been here. There was a stumped out cigarette on the end table, ashes marring the finished wood.

            I stood there staring at it, such a small thing, but it made everything feel wrong. It was as I was glaring down at it that I heard a soft, muffled sound. I didn’t wait to hear more, running toward Jean’s room, bursting in to see him pinned up against the wall by the man I hoped to never see again. Blood covered his cheek, his lip split and swollen. When his eyes found mine, I saw the little boy I had built the fort for.

            There was nothing but those eyes and the distinct smell of alcohol hugging the air.

            “You motherfucker,” I spat, rushing at Jean’s dad, rage bubbling up and taking over my actions.

            “Levi, don’t,” pleaded Jean. I didn’t listen to him. But before I could even get to them, Jean’s dad whirled around, eyes alive with anger, and the blade of a knife dug into my forearm. “NO!” Jean’s scream was impossibly loud in this small room. I wanted to tell him to be quiet, that I was fine, but I was stumbling back. “Leave him alone! Hurt me!”

            My arm was in agony. In this moment, I couldn’t even remember how to fight. It was like trying to hold onto water, impossible, useless. But then I heard Jean’s cry piercing the silence, and it shook me into action. My eyes focused on the man that held my best friend, seeing his hands wrapped around Jean’s neck, nails digging into flesh. I needed to do something.

            I didn’t think about anything, I just stepped forward and grabbed one of Jean’s dad’s wrists, using all my strength to pull his arm out straight. Then, with my free hand, I rammed his elbow up until I heard bone snap. The guttural cry that followed made my stomach churn, but I didn’t linger on it. I used this moment of weakness to shove him hard against the wall.

            “Go to the truck!” I ordered Jean.

            He lay on the floor, clutching his throat. “Not…without you.”

            I gritted my teeth, knowing that we only had a few seconds, but it was now or never. I released my hold on Jean’s dad and turned around to pull Jean to his feet. We didn’t wait. We ran, our feet smacking against the hardwood flooring. We didn’t pay attention to the sound of footsteps behind us; we just kept running until we were safe inside Petra’s truck. I was glad that I had left it running in my hurry, because it made escaping easier.

            I put it in reverse and the tires squealed as I backed out of the driveway. When we were far enough away from the house, the adrenaline that kept me going began to wear off and I started to shake. My arm felt cold.

            “Goddamnit, goddamnit, _goddamnit!”_ Jean shouted, banging his fists against the dashboard. His eyes slid over to my arm and then up to my face. “Fuck, Levi. I’m sorry. I’ll kill that bastard for this.”

            “It’s not your fault. I’m just glad that we got out of there.”

            By some miracle, I made it to Petra’s house. Grisha’s car was parked out front, a silver glint in my peripheral vision. Eren must’ve called him, or maybe Petra did in her desperation. Either way, it was a good thing that he was here, because I was pretty sure that I was going to need stitches.

            Twisting the key in the ignition, listening to the engines roar die off, I threw my door open. As I walked to the front door, cradling my injured arm against my chest, I knew that Eren was going to freak out at the sight of me. I couldn’t really blame him, if he did. My arm was smeared in blood, as was my bare chest and stomach. It looked pretty gruesome, but I was hoping it wasn’t that bad.

            Once I was inside, with Jean standing next to me, I took in my familiar surroundings. Petra’s house always smelt of flour and butter, and it sure as hell beat the smell of blood, which was all rust and metallic.

            “Levi?” Petra came running down the hallway, her eyes popping open when she saw us. She clapped her hands over her mouth.

            “Don’t even worry about me,” Jean said. “Help Levi.”

            Grisha came out next, eyes scanning my injury. “Come into the bathroom. We’re going to wash that off to see how deep the gash is.”

            “Okay,” I said, following him down the hallway and into the bathroom.

            Where was Eren?

            Grisha turned on the tap, waiting for the water to warm before he waved me over. Under his instruction, I stuck my arm under the stream of water, watching my blood run down the drain. It was bright red, standing out against the white sink. “It’s not as bad as I thought,” he said after some time passed. “You won’t need any stiches. For right now, we’ll bandage it up to staunch the blood flow.”

            With antiseptic he found in the medicine cabinet, Grisha cleaned my wound, and then wrapped gauze around it. He didn’t talk about Eren, and something in the pit of my stomach squirmed in worry. It was unlike him not to be here with me. Something must’ve happened.

            “All set,” Grisha said. “You clean up. I’m going to go take a look at Jean.”

            I nodded, waiting for him to leave before I soaked a washcloth with water. I scrubbed at my skin until it was clean. Then I dried up and left the bathroom in search of Eren. I followed the voices into the living room, where everyone was, but Eren was lying back on the couch wearing an oxygen mask. He looked small lying there, even when he was stretched out to his full height. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

            Grisha peered up at me. “Panic attack. It’s hard for him to breathe when he has them, but he’ll be fine.”

            I went to go sit down on the coach. Eren quickly pressed his feet against my leg, a silent confirmation that he would be all right, but then he saw my arm and sprang up. “Calm down,” I said, not wanting him to have another panic attack. “I’m okay.”

            He climbed onto my lap after that, his oxygen tank skidding across the floor. I was so aware of his dad watching us that I couldn’t even react, but Eren just laid his head down on my shoulder, breathing in and out in pants.

            “I should be heading back to work,” Grisha said, standing up. “I was able to get a hold of Sheriff Flagon, and he’s already heading to Jean’s house. You guys should be fine.”

            Petra walked him out and I allowed myself to hold Eren in a way that was only okay when adults weren’t around. I breathed in his scent, fingers knotting in his hair, just holding him. We didn’t move apart, even when Petra came back in. She wasn’t paying us any attention anyway, her eyes glued on Jean, who was half asleep on the couch.

            “I’m okay,” Jean mumbled without opening his eyes. His cheek was already beginning to bruise. It looked painful. “Stop pacing.”

            “I want to leave this town,” Petra said. “I want to go so far away that he’ll have no hopes of finding you.”

            Jean’s eyes slid open halfway. “We still have one more year left of high school.”

            “I don’t care!” She walked up to where he sat, leaning forward to cup his face in her hands. “I don’t care,” she repeated. “I don’t want him to hurt you anymore. I don’t want anyone to hurt you.”

            He put his hands over hers. “Don’t cry, Petra. I’m really okay.”

            She stared at him for a long while, and then moved in to press her lips to his. Eren and I exchanged glances, watching something unfold between them. When Petra pulled back, eyes still closed, I knew that she had felt something more than friendship. But then she walked out of the living room and Jean just sat there looking stupid.

            “Did she—did that actually happen just now?” he asked.

            “Yes, you moron,” I said, smiling. “Go get her.”

            He jumped up as though I had physically kicked him, disappearing down the hallway.

            Eren squealed, but the mask muffled it. He tightened his hold around my neck until he was nearly choking me. “Did you see that? They’re so cute.” His head whipped around as if he had just remembered what happened before all this. “Your arm.”         

            “It’s not too bad.”

            He lifted it up carefully. “I hate seeing you hurt.”

            “But I’m okay,” I told him. “At least some good came out of this. I’m sure those two are going to get together now.”

            Eren smiled. “Can we go on double dates?”

            “We can do whatever you want.”

            “Well, I already told you what I want tonight,” he whispered, voice low and smooth.

            My eyes flicked up to his face. “Oh?” I teased, playing dumb. “And what could that be?”

            He smirked, seeming to switch into dominant mode. Fuck, he was so hot.

            Pressing his finger to my chest, he said, “You.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeantra! Yes!  
> I hope you guys realized how important Jean is to Levi, and vice versa. Their friendship is so cute, even with blood. (Don't listen to me. I'm running on no sleep.)  
> The whole point of this chapter was the bring Jean and Petra together tbh, because they will play a major role, as a couple, in the final chapters. I know that doesn't make much sense, but trust in me, this extreme event needed to be done, because Petra is actually quite stubborn. I never knew.  
> But, a little fact I learned while writing this chapter: Eren can be quite the seme. He's very in tune with how he feels and what he wants that he's incredibly…assertive. *sly smile* Also, I will be elaborating more on Jean's asshole of a dad next chapter.  
> Anywho, before I ramble the night away, thank you for reading, leaving me kudos, and just being amazing. :)


	16. Constant Craving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The terror lies in us, but tells the truth in me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I have to say is that me and smut don't really get along when it comes to me actually having to write it. I swear it feels like this chapter took me ten years to write, when in reality, it only took about a week. Smut, man. It can do that to you. 
> 
> But before I forget, because I have been, please allow me to link you to some cute fanart and cosplays that have been bestowed upon me:
> 
> [Two cuties cosplaying the scene from last chapter where Eren puts Levi's hair up in a ponytail](https://instagram.com/p/6vxRccG77W/) | [Fanart](https://instagram.com/p/6QROPnG7x2/) | [Fanart](https://instagram.com/p/6iR1ydmyEn/) | [Fanart](https://instagram.com/p/55gOe0CYFl/)
> 
> Anyway, go on and read. :)

Things didn’t go as planned, because an hour later, Sheriff Flagon pulled up in front of Petra’s house. From the front window, Eren and I watched him step out of his squad car, practically radiating authority. As usual, his brown uniform was in impeccable condition, and even though I knew he was here to discuss what had happened with Jean’s father, I still didn’t like the sight of him. Last summer I’d become way too familiar with the backseat of his vehicle. Seeing him now, striding up to the front door with a determined expression on his face, I couldn’t help but feel a bit sick to my stomach.

            He didn’t like me. It didn’t matter to him how much I’d changed. The first thing that popped into his head whenever I was mentioned was _trouble_.

            “Are you feeling all right?” Eren asked, rubbing my back to comfort me. He slipped his hand beneath the hem of my shirt, fingertips warm on my bare skin. With that small gesture of affection, I relaxed, dropping my head onto his shoulder.

            “I’m fine. I just don’t get along with the sheriff.”

            He brought his hand up to run his fingers through my hair and I turned my head to bury my face against his neck. “It’ll be fine. He’s probably here to pick you and Jean up to file a report against Jean’s dad.”

            “I know,” I mumbled, my words barely audible. “I just hate this.”

            “It will take a few hours to fill out the paperwork, but it’s still early in the day, so we’ll have tonight to ourselves.” He leaned in close, lips skimming along my jawline. “Meet me at your house when you’re done with all this.”

            I glanced up at him. “You’re not going to give up, are you?”

            “Nope. Why? Do you want me to give up?” His hands slid over my hips and up my stomach. Any second now, Sheriff Flagon would ring the doorbell, but I couldn’t care any less. Mainly because I couldn’t even think whenever Eren touched me this way.

            “No,” I said, my breath rushing out of me when his fingertips brushed over my nipples.

            Well, I’ll be damned. I didn’t think that would actually feel good. You learn something new every day.

            Eren suddenly stepped forward, forcing me to do the same. He didn’t stop until my front was pressed against the window. I was glad that the blinds were shielding us from view. “Good,” he whispered in my ear, voice as rich as caramel. It sent a vicious shiver down my spine. “I’ll take you apart in the best of ways.”

            He was taking me apart right now! My legs were barely holding me up.

            When the doorbell rang a few seconds later, I expected him to back away from me, but instead he slipped his fingers beneath my chin to tilt my head back. I got the briefest of views of his face before his tongue was in my mouth, hand hot and possessive on my neck, keeping me rooted to the spot. I moaned into the kiss, tasting his breath on my tongue. Suddenly, my hip pressed hard against the window, the cold glass sending a shock throughout my body.

            Every part of me wanted to be closer to him. He had become my sun, constantly drawing me in to his warmth and beauty until I began to orbit around him just to catch a glimpse of his smile. Yet, in the end, his absence would burn me alive and leave me alone in utter darkness. After he was gone, I would never see my guiding light again. I’d be lost, forever searching for something that had diminished with time, but had left behind a blazing ember in my heart.

            “Don’t leave me,” I whispered before I realized what I was saying. Then it hit me all at once and I froze in horror.

            How could I say something so selfish?

            _Fuck._

            I stood there, rigid, but Eren said, “I’ll never leave you. Your soul and my soul have known each other long before now, and they’ll come together again at another time. Nothing can separate us. Can’t you feel that?”

            I stared into his eyes; two bright universes that lured me in like a beautiful song I’d heard long ago and yearned to hear again. “I don’t even know how to describe what I feel when I’m with you, when I think of you.”

            “Exactly. Have faith that we’ll meet again.” He kissed a trail to my ear, lips soft and inviting. “Look for me. Wait for me. I’ll be searching for you, always.”

            I chewed on my bottom lip, wondering how this boy, this breathtaking human being, could have changed me so completely in such a short amount of time.

            “Are you two deaf?” Jean barked as he stomped up to the front door. Eren and I finally broke apart, but I wanted to cling onto every second, to immerse myself in him. “Stop being hormonal teens for five seconds. You can hump later.” He yanked open the door, putting on his bitter smile that made him look a bit constipated. “Hey, Sheriff. How’s it going?”

            Eren reached out to the side, his fingertips meeting my fingertips. I looked over at him, getting lost in his intense gaze.

            _I’ll always be searching for you, too_ , I told him silently.

 

(x)

 

Four hours later, after relaying what had happened at the Kirstein household several times over, I was able to leave the police station. All the information that was given to me was that Jean’s dad would be staying at the station overnight. Tomorrow morning Sheriff Flagon would transport him to Trost, where he’d be locked up in a real jail, but for how long? I had no clue. Talking about the events that took place earlier today left a foul taste in my mouth. I was more than ready to go home, to forget about everything and just curl up next to Eren. For once in my life, I was glad that Flagon was strict when it came to his job, because that gave me the peace of mind that Jean’s dad would stay right where he needed to stay: behind bars.

            After Hanji, Flagon’s wife, drove Jean and I to Petra’s house, I stood outside for a long while, letting the cool breeze nip at my nose and cheeks. For some reason, I was painfully aware of how alive I was, standing here alone. No physical part of me was missing. I was complete in that sense, but there was an invisible force that constantly pushed at me, telling me to go. Go to Eren. Hold him. Touch him. Kiss him. I couldn’t help but wonder if it would always be this way for me. Would this longing ever stop? Or would I have to live with it for the rest of my life?

            I sighed, letting my head fall back. I opened my eyes to see the vast grey sky above me, seemingly endless, but everything had an end, even if you couldn’t see it, it was always there, waiting.

            My moments with Eren were stacking up, precious and numbered, but just like everything else, they would come to an end. Nothing lasts forever. Everyone has heard that saying before, because it was true, no matter where you lived, or what language you spoke.

            “Hey!”

            The sound of Jean’s voice startled me and I whirled around to see him standing on the porch without any shoes on. There was a hole in his sock. “What?” I asked.

            He wiggled the cordless phone he was holding. “Your boyfriend is-a-calling. He wants you to meet him at your house in fifteen. Will you get over here and take this phone already? My balls could be mistaken for snowballs by now.”

            Walking up to the front porch, I took the proffered phone and said into it, “Hello?”

            “Hi!” Eren answered. He sounded so happy and carefree that, out of the blue, I wanted to cry. “So, I’m at your house, and I think I burned something.” There was a brief pause followed by a small chuckle. “Yeah, I definitely burned something, but don’t worry, nothing is on fire. You should be proud of me, because I think I did a good job considering I never cook. But I cooked for you!”

            “I love you,” I said, because it was the only thing I was capable of saying in that moment.

            “And I love you, more than anything. You are better than any dream I’ve ever had, because reality is beautiful when you’re present. Now come over here before my magnificent cooking gets cold.”

            I laughed. “Okay, okay. I’ll be there soon. But really, Eren, _je t’aime._ ” I felt a bit self-conscious speaking a foreign language I didn’t know, but I had practiced saying that for the past week. I wanted to learn more for him, to tell him I loved him in every language known to man.

            “Oh my god,” he breathed. “You pronounced that so perfectly. I have goose bumps. Say it again.”

            “ _Je t’aime._ ”

            “Ugh, get over here right now. Forget the dinner. Just come to me.”

            Smiling, I said, “But I want to eat the food you cooked me, even if you’re sure you burnt something in the process.”

            “I have you know that everything I cooked is downright delectable. There may be parts that are a bit burnt, but that in no way takes away from the flavor, and I am _completely_ full of crap right now. Seriously, I think I’m going to throw this food out and just keep the dessert, but come on. I’m getting impatient.”

            “You’re always impatient. Just give me fifteen minutes and I’ll be there.”

            “Make it ten. Oh, and Levi?”

            “Hm?”

            “Follow the instructions that I left out for you.”

            Instructions?

 

(x)

 

The first thing I saw when I pulled up in front of my house was the luminary bags that had been placed on either side of the stone pathway. They lit a trail to the front door, dim yellow light kissing the dead grass. I stared at them through the windshield for a number of seconds before I turned the key in the ignition and stepped out of the truck. The scent of vanilla wafted toward me, mingling with the scent of pine, warm and welcoming.

            I shoved my hands into my coat pockets, smiling. I should’ve known that Eren would make this romantic. That was just his way.

            Walking up the path, bits of rock crunched under my feet. Something up ahead caught my eye, a flash of blue in the darkness. Looking up, I saw a sticky note that had been stuck to the front door. Even from here, I could make out Eren’s slanted handwriting. I hurried the rest of the way, pulling down the note to read: _Take off your shoes and follow the rose petals._  

            Pocketing the note, I pushed open the door in a hurry, and slipped off my shoes and socks, setting them to the side. There were white tea candles on either side of a trail of pink rose petals that started at my feet and weaved down the hallway. With a smile on my face, I followed them, letting them lead me forward through the house, but when I stepped into the kitchen, there was no one there. I was about to call out for Eren when I felt something brush along my forehead. I didn’t know what was happening until I realized that the something that whispered across my skin was a silk blindfold.

            “You don’t need your sight for this,” Eren whispered into my ear in a voice as tempting as sin, tying the blindfold in place. His hands moved down my sides to my waist, fingers pressing into my hipbones. He guided me forward until the front of my legs bumped into something. Then he turned me around and said, “Sit.”

            I sat, waiting. The kitchen smelt of something sweet.

            As I sat there, I heard Eren moving about beside me. I had no idea what he was doing, or what he had planned for me, but when he said, “Open your mouth,” I did what he asked. The cool feel of a metal utensil slid along my tongue, but when I closed my mouth around it, a flurry of taste assaulted my taste buds. It was all smooth vanilla that blended together perfectly with the crunchy taste of caramel.

            “What is that?” I asked.

            “Crème brûlée. Do you like it?”

            “It tastes like I just had an orgasm in my mouth.”

            “So you do like it,” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. “Open your mouth again.”

            I did, expecting more of the dessert, but what slipped into my mouth wasn’t any of the sweet treat, but rather Eren’s tongue. I leaned forward right away, deepening the kiss, loving the taste of him, which was better than any delicacy. His hands roamed over my chest, fingers clasping onto the zipper of my coat. He slid it down and then pushed the material apart.

            “How convenient,” he whispered against my lips as he began to unbutton my shirt.

            I couldn’t see a damn thing past the blindfold. All I could do was feel, feel his fingertips ghosting over my stomach, feel his lips, teeth, and tongue kiss and bite a trail to my chest. I lifted my hands up to twine my fingers in his soft hair, needing to touch him somehow. When his mouth wrapped around one of my nipples, tongue pushing forward as he sucked, I moaned, unable to stop myself.

            “God, Eren.” I tightened my hold on his hair.

            “Beautiful,” he breathed, nipping his way down to the waistband of my jeans. “So beautiful. _‘The moon lives in the lining of you skin.’_ ”

            Hearing bits of poetry tumble out of him always did something funny to me. He never recited poems to anyone else but me. Even though I couldn’t see him right now, I could feel the warmth of his body pressing in on me, bathing me in artificial sunlight. To me, he was my summer sun, the entity that lit my entire world in vibrant shades of gold; that drowned out the darkness that had hung above me for most of my life.

            Why couldn’t love be enough? It had to be enough. It was all I had to give him.

            My thoughts suddenly spiraled into nothingness, because Eren worked open the button and fly of my jeans. My hands darted down to his shoulders, seemingly on their own accord, nails biting into the fabric of his T-shirt. When his hand slid beneath the band of my boxers, I inhaled sharply, but it caught in my throat and was released in a low groan. I didn’t have time to recover, or make sense of the thoughts racing through my head, because without warning, he pressed his tongue to the head of my cock.

            My eyes snapped open, but my vision was consumed in darkness, the blindfold preventing me from seeing anything. I had the strongest urge to yank it off and toss it aside, but I knew that Eren would’ve removed it, if he wanted me to see what he was doing. Still, I couldn’t help but imagine the way he’d look right now, down on his knees in front of me. It was a tantalizing thought that made it hard for me to keep still.

            All my attention honed in on the warm hand taking hold of the base of my erection. I sat there motionless, waiting, my teeth brutally digging into my bottom lip when I felt Eren’s mouth, so unbelievably hot, wrap around the sensitive head. I couldn’t even describe the sensation, or the sound it pulled out of me, but Eren gave me no time to dwell on it, because he was taking in more of me, making soft little humming noises that were driving me mad.

            I wanted to see him. This would be the first time he was doing this to me. How did he expect me to keep this blindfold on? I was beyond wanting to tear it off, at this point.

            “Eren,” I said, voice quivering around the two syllables. “Let me take the blindfold off.”

            His answer came in the form of him reaching up and slipping a finger beneath the silk material to tug it down. I blinked several times, eyes adjusting to the dim lighting, and then I looked down at him. I groaned deep in my throat, fingers pulling at his hair. Seeing Eren kneeling between my legs, lips wrapped around my dick as those gorgeous eyes of his locked onto mine, almost made me come right there. _Almost._ I wasn’t ready for this to be over.

            Those incredible eyes never once stopped staring into mine as he began to bob his head, taking me in with shallow strokes. It was obvious that this was his first time giving someone head, but it was also my first time receiving one, so the pleasure was indescribable. I couldn’t stop the sounds pouring out of me, or the way my eyes snapped shut whenever his tongue lapped up pre-come. Unconsciously, my hand drifted down to his neck to direct his rhythm. My hips suddenly jerked to life beneath him, thrusting up without my permission, seeking relief that could only be found with Eren.

            This felt like I was cheating, getting more than I asked for. Being with him was enough, so this was just a bonus.

            When I was seconds away from coming, Eren pulled back, lips wet and swollen. Fuck, he looked sinful, kneeling there pressing sloppy kisses to the side of my member, hand wrapping around the base to begin stroking me hard and fast. The sight alone was enough to make me come. His white shirt was dipping off his tan shoulders, revealing slender collarbones that tempted me to lean forward and suck on them. I couldn’t help but to watch him watching me, the scene before me addicting.

            I could feel my body tensing, eyebrows drawing together as my hands shot up to take hold of his hair. He stroked me one more time and I came hard, hips stuttering up until I was completely emptied. As I tried to regain my breath, my whole body sagged back onto the chair.

            _Goddamn._

            I would’ve been fine just sitting there, but Eren said, “Hey, we’re not done here.”

            I popped open an eye. “I don’t even think I’m capable of moving right now.”

            “Well, that was the whole point. I wanted to get you relaxed. Did it work?” He quirked an eyebrow, smirking.

            I smiled lazily. “Oh, shut up. You _know_ it worked.”

            “I do.” He gave my thigh a little smack. “Now take me to the bedroom.”

            Eren stood, leaning to the side to pick up a napkin from off the table. With it in hand, he started cleaning my chest and stomach. When he leaned down, eyes narrowing in concentration, I leaned forward, our mouths meeting. He smiled against my lips, loosely wrapping his arms around my neck. I put my hands on his waist and he straddled me, pressing his fingers into my shoulders. He was so warm.      

            Kissing his temple, I stood up, surprised at how weak my legs felt, but I managed to carry him into the room without problems, where I laid him down on the bed. I knew where to go from here, had done it enough times to go about it with familiarity, but tonight he wanted me to be his, so I laid down next to him and waited. He sat up, tracing unknown patterns on my chest.

            “Every moment I spend with you makes me feel so alive,” he whispered, fingertip gliding down to my stomach. His figure was outlined in silver, lit by the moonlight spilling into the room. “I never believed in love, thought it was something someone made up a long time ago, but it’s the only word that even comes close to describing what I feel for you.”

            I reached up, cradling his cheek in my palm.

            His eyes closed, mouth moving only a little when he said, “I’m afraid, Levi. I can’t make this fear go away. Since I’ve been diagnosed, my whole life has felt make believe. Nothing felt real anymore. My dad took me from city to city in hopes of making me happy, but nothing ever did. It didn’t matter what I saw, or who I talked to, nothing could pierce through the sadness that had a chokehold on me.” He turned his head to kiss my palm. “Shiganshina is my last stop. I came here to get away from it all. I never thought that here, in this small town that barely even appears on a map, held my happiness. I wish I found you sooner.”

            “Me too, Eren, but we have each other now.” I brushed my thumb along his cheek, wanting to erase any sadness he'd ever felt.

            He stayed quiet for a long moment, then, in a whisper that could barely be heard, he told me, “I don’t want you to forget me.”

            I sat up. “Eren, look at me.” His eyes opened, glistening with un-shed tears. “I’ll never forget you. I can’t.”

            “I’m your curse.”

            “No,” I said, taking hold of his face. “Stop thinking that way. You’re not. You deserve love just as much as everyone else. You deserve everything, and I’m sorry I can’t give that to you.”

            “But you have given me everything. I just wish I could keep it.”

            God, how was I supposed to do this? I wanted to promise him the world, but I couldn’t do that. I was just a boy, nothing more, nothing less.

            Getting up on my knees, I leaned forward, pressing my lips to his. I whispered, “Make love to me.”

            Eren rested his forehead against mine, breath warming my lips. “ _‘‘I am here,’ and we realize we are not, that what was once, was and_ is _lost, lost in the past, and now does not come back.’_  I will always be the past for you, but you have become my one and only future.”

            I squeezed my eyes shut in pain, our mouths meeting, wet with tears. I kissed him deeply, undressing him slowly, cherishing every part of him. He did the same with me, hands drifting over my body as if they wanted to memorize every curve. Our love, from the very beginning, had been infected with sadness. It loomed over us, large and foreboding, and even though we tried our best to ignore it, tried to act as though it wasn’t there at all, it would always make itself known, like it longed to be remembered.

            Eren flipped our positions, lowering me down to the bed with care, as though I were something fragile and precious that he couldn’t bear to hurt. As he reached for the lube we kept in the nightstand, I closed my eyes, just feeling his fingers, now cool and slick, circle my entrance. I breathed out, slow, as his finger pushed inside me. The feeling was strange, something I wasn’t used to, but I didn’t resist. I tried to stay relaxed for him.

            After a few more minutes, the initial discomfort was replaced with something else, something blossoming into pleasure. I finally opened my eyes to see that Eren was already looking at me. We held each other’s gazes and I gasped, loudly, when he pushed another finger inside. At this point, I couldn’t even form proper thoughts. I was nothing more than a sack of nerves that felt everything.

            “Turn onto your stomach,” Eren directed me.          

            The part of my brain that could still function as it should, mulled over the words until I understood what he wanted of me. Using the last bit of strength I possessed, I complied, turning onto my stomach. He quickly grabbed my waist, angling me up until I was on all fours. I was about to ask him why we were going to do it in this position when he slipped his fingers back inside me and they instantly rubbed against my prostate. I cried out, body shaking so hard that my arms gave out from under me.

            “Levi,” Eren whispered hoarsely. He moved over me, front pressing to my back. I could feel him there, hot and hard at my entrance.

            “D-don’t put on a condom,” I told him.

            “Are you sure? Don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

            “I’m sure, Eren.”

            It only took him a moment to spread lube on his member, then he was pushing into me, slow and steady. My body tensed, unused to this treatment, but I forced myself to relax. He stroked my side, breath huffing out between my shoulder blades. I didn’t even have the presence of mind to ask him if he was okay, if he could breathe, because soon he was buried deep inside of me, the tip of his cock gliding across my prostate, making me mindless.

            “Tell me when it’s okay to move,” Eren said, voice husky.

            “It’s already okay. Just go slow.”

            I felt his forehead rub against my shoulder as he nodded in agreement. Then he was moving, pulling out of me achingly slow, just to push back into me at the same pace. I clutched at the sheet beneath us, nails digging into the fabric. It was a bit painful being stretched like this, but with a couple more thrusts, I pushed back to meet him halfway.

            A deep moan left him as he braced his arms on either side of me to hold his weight up. Every time his thighs pressed against mine, I gasped, the head of his member brushing my prostate. It was hard to hold myself up. Eren must’ve felt me shaking, because he leaned back, taking me with him. As we both came onto our knees, I angled my head back, touching my lips to his. His tongue slid into my mouth, gliding along mine, our kisses flavored with vanilla.

            I was so close already. My body craved release, but I didn’t want him to overwork himself, so I pushed my hips down, taking him in deeper. He groaned into my mouth, hands falling to my waist, helping me move. _So close. So close._

            “Can I go faster, Levi?” Eren pleaded.

            “God, yes.”

            He picked up his pace immediately, using his hold on my hips to keep me in place. He thrust into me fast enough to make me cry out in pleasure, but not enough to make me uncomfortable. It was perfect, and the next time he hit that spot inside of me, I came, my orgasm intense. He kept moving all the while, cock hot against my walls, making me sound delirious.

            With my name leaving his mouth as a breath, he pulled out of me and released on my back. I was so tired, so spent, and I would’ve fell forward if Eren didn’t wrap his arm around my waist, steering me toward the side of the bed that was still clean. I turned my face into the pillow, breathing in his scent that clung there. I didn’t want to move, but I knew I’d have to, unless I wanted to sleep in jizz.

            “Hey,” I slurred sleepily, reaching for him. “You okay?”

            “Yeah. I couldn’t even concentrate on my breathing. Surprisingly, I feel fine. I mean, I came really hard. That blots out everything else.”

            I laughed into the pillow. “Shut up,” I grumbled. He went to turn around, no doubt to look for something to clean us up with, but I held onto his wrist. When he looked back at me, I said, “Let me take you somewhere. I don’t care how long or far I have to drive. I want to take you to a place you want to go to.”

            He smiled. “Take me to a tattoo parlor.”

            “Really?”

            “Yeah, so they can tattoo my name on your ass cheek.”

            I smacked his shoulder. “I’m being serious.”

            “I know you are.” He crawled over me and I turned onto my back. Leaning down, his lips ghosting along my jawline, he whispered, “Take me to Neverland.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always try to write a happy chapter, but sadness always creeps right in there, doesn't it? It's not even intentional, but as someone who has a severe lung condition similar to Eren's, it's really hard _not_ to focus on it most of the time. As Eren said in the last chapter, "It's always there." On good days, on bad days, it's there.  
>  I really am striving to stay true to these unique characters I've created from Isayama's beautiful characters, in which they are very similar to me and my boyfriend, as this story all started with me wanting to kind of tell my own tale of love. Love is a strong thing. It can get you through a lot, but no matter how much someone loves you, they can't cure something like this. I remember my boyfriend, who has seen me suffering far more times than anyone should see someone else endure pain, telling me how much it hurts not being able to help me. I think since the moment he told me that, I wanted to write this story. I wanted people to know that there are tons of people out there with unknown diseases that rob them of many basic things, but in spite of it all, we _can_ be happy.  
>  I am happy. I still experience it every day, and that's what I want to shine through in this story up until the very end.  
> But seriously? Why am I getting all emotional? Haha I blame it on the fact that I've been going through my own health issues lately. Please don't feel bad for me. Honestly, I'm just speaking my mind right now.
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading! I love you all so much, and I can't thank those who are following me from update to update enough. I know a lot of people wait for a fanfic to be completed before they even think of reading it, which is understandable, so I'm grateful to those who are following me along on this adventure that is Chasing Summer. :)
> 
> I really hate to put this here, but, gah, desperate times call for desperate measures. My dog was attacked by a stray dog and needed emergency surgery that is costing me a mini fortune, so if you could donate (you don't have to, of course), it would help me so much. You can find the link: [here.](http://www.gofundme.com/ab2yr864)  
> I seriously feel bad putting that there. *nervous chuckle*
> 
> [Tumblr](http://warriorflesh.tumblr.com) || [Instagram](https://instagram.com/levi.eren_/) (I'm far more active on my IG account)


	17. Forever Is Our Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There's no chance for us_   
>  _It's all decided for us_   
>  _This world has only one sweet moment_   
>  _Set aside for us_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this took a bit longer than usual. This past week feels like a fever dream. I'm on new medication that makes everything feel fuzzy. It's very hard to explain, but it made writing almost impossible. I hope you know, that no matter how long it may take me, an update is on its way. I am devoted to this story, and I will finish it. :)
> 
> Also, a big thank you to the beauty that told me about the song _Who Wants to Live Forever?_  
>  It's so beautiful, and goes so well with this story of mine. If you'd like to give it a listen, you can [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTJqBKjFyKM)

I’d never get tired of waking up next to Eren. Our limbs tangled together, woven into secrets that smelt of vanilla and desire. Love was a wondrous thing. It bathed our entire universe in sunlight that bled into the cracks of our skin like magic. Beneath Eren’s fingertips, I came to life, no longer clad in grey. Together, we would face the vivid unknown that lay ahead of us like an impending vortex. He would never be alone in this again. I’d follow him wherever he went.

            A warm finger brushed my cheek, catching the tear there. “Why are you crying?” Eren asked, moving closer to me. We were now chest to chest.

            Without opening my eyes, I buried my face in the crook of his neck and said, “I want to see the world with you. I want to see your face lit by the Northern Lights. I want to kiss you in front of the Eiffel Tower. Let me take you away from this dreary town. I have some money saved up.”

            “ _Mon amour_ ,” he murmured against my forehead. “I cannot follow you across the Earth, but I will let you take me somewhere. Let’s run away for a few days, just the two of us.”

            I opened my eyes, greeted by a warm smile that held hidden sadness in it. I rested my hand on his cheek, skin soft against my palm. “I’m sorry. I know this is harder on you than it is on me.”

            “No.” He shook his head. “When I’m with you, I’m living in happiness. You press your lips to mine knowing that what we have is temporary, something you can’t keep. I’ll die with you still being mine, but you’ll be left behind to find another to fill the emptiness of my absence.”

            I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close, our hearts beating at different intervals. Why did I feel like we were nearing something that we wouldn’t be able to escape from? I wanted to take his lungs into my hands and erase every flaw, every imperfection, to smooth out the faults that were taking him away from me. I would give up everything to be able to do that for him, to be able give him back the life he deserved.

            He was only sixteen years old.

            “Where do you want to go today?” I asked, changing the subject. My body shook with the effort to keep from falling apart. I wanted to cry in earnest. I’d never felt this overwhelmed with emotion before. I’d always been able to hide my pain, no matter how much it was hurting me, but this, this was different. I didn’t want to learn how to live without him.

            “To a place that will give me greasy food and sunlight.” He swung his leg around my waist, hand sliding up my chest. “A place with pretty landscapes, so I can take pictures. A place that’s a bit far, because a road trip sounds nice.”         

            “Sina City it is,” I said. I hoped that he couldn’t hear the slight quiver in my voice. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling like this after I’d just woken up. “It’s about a six hour drive from here, so let’s get up and get ready now. I’ll call your dad and explain everything to him.” I sat up.

            “Hold on a minute.” He grabbed me by the arm, using his hold on it to pull himself up into a sitting position. He ruffled my hair and asked, with a smirk, “How does your back feel?”

            “Huh?” It wasn’t until he pointed it out that I felt the pulsing ache in my lower back, which reminded me of everything that had happened last night. I smiled like a complete moron, the sadness I felt mere seconds ago beginning to ebb away. “It hurts a bit.”

            Eren nodded knowingly. “I would say that I’m sorry, but I’m not. You’re very different when you bottom.”

            “Oh?”

            “Mm,” he hummed with a soft nod of his head, draping his arms around my neck. “You’re far less concentrated, so you’re more open. I swear your moans are heaven sent. They are the very definition of ‘music to my ears.’”

            I glared at him under furrowed brows. “Please shut up.”

            He shook his head, the smirk on his face turning into a wide smile. “Nope. Never. I refuse to shut up about your amazing moans. Please bathe me in them. In fact, drown me in them. That’s a beautiful way to go. You know what? I’m writing that in my will: Eren Jaeger’s last request is to have Levi Ackerman’s moans played at his funeral. I’ll be crying in heaven.”

            “What makes you think you’re going to heaven?”

            “Are you kidding me? I’m perfect.”

            I put my hands on his hips, rubbing circles into his skin with my thumbs. “Yeah, you kind of are.”

            “I was joking.”

            “I wasn’t.” I looked up at him, imagining those brilliant eyes reflecting back sunlight. We wouldn’t make it to Sina until early evening, but tomorrow we’d have the whole day there—hours to spend together under the sun. “Hey, I have an idea.”

            Eren leaned in, leaving a trail of kisses along my neck. “An idea?”

            “Yeah. Let’s shower together.” I thought he’d like the suggestion, because he was all about experiencing every day things together, but he made a face that made me think I’d spoken too soon.

            “I don’t think you’d want to shower with me,” he said. “I have to have the water lukewarm, because steam and my lungs don’t mix. It makes it hard to breathe.”

            The white sheet that had covered us throughout the night now hung around his waist in the most seductive way possible. My eyes lingered on the tone muscles of his stomach before they drifted up to his chest, then finally the slender curve of his neck. I bent my head down, completely distracted, and kissed the smooth skin there. “I can do lukewarm water,” I told him.

            “Really?” He knotted his fingers in my hair, an incoherent sound leaving his lips.

            “Really,” I confirmed, sliding my hands down his legs, which were wrapped around my midsection. It was never a good idea to sleep naked, because waking up naked meant temptation. Any other morning, I would’ve gladly given in, but we needed to get on the road soon, if we wanted to make good timing. Then again, getting to Sina late wouldn’t be too bad, either.

            Eren wiggled his hips, drawing a sharp intake of breath from me. “Do you think other teenagers have as much sex as we do? We haven’t stopped since we started.” Even as he said it, his hands were moving, fingertips gliding down my lower abdomen in a way that made my head fall onto his shoulder.

            “Who knows? Why? Does it bother you?” I stilled my hands, but his kept wandering, making me squirm beneath him.

            “What? No. I was just thinking aloud. Don’t stop.”

            I picked up where I’d left off.

 

(x)

 

We couldn’t go to Sina by ourselves. Grisha didn’t want me to be the only one driving, so he had one condition: bring along Petra and Jean. That wasn’t so bad, considering we sprung this on him at the last second. He still had every intention on letting us go, and I had a feeling that that had everything to do with the brilliant smile Eren wore when he asked permission to take a small vacation. Grisha had looked at him with something knowing and sad in his eyes, something that made me turn away.

            Now Eren and I were crammed in his room, which was an utter mess. He had been working on something that required paint. There were flecks of it dried on his walls and carpet. There was also an abundance of paper cranes pushed off to one corner. They were folded flightless birds that huddled together on the grey carpet.

            “How many of these have you made?” I asked, picking up one of the cranes. It wobbled on my palm, a deep red that screamed out against my pale skin.

            “Thousands,” he responded. “There’s a Japanese legend that states if you fold one thousand paper cranes, a crane will come and grant you a wish.”

            I glanced up at him. He was busy shoving articles of clothing into a brown suitcase. “Do you actually believe that?”

            He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’d be nice though, wouldn’t it? I make a wish whenever I’m through folding one thousand of them. I still have two hundred left to go for that batch to be complete.”

            “What will you wish for?”

            “For you,” he whispered, shoulders slumping forward. “I’ll always wish for you, Levi.” He turned toward me, eyes burning with emotion. “I desperately want to keep you, until time stops.”

            A part of me wanted to tell him not to waste his wish on me, but the selfish part of me that gnawed at me like an ache, hoped that there was truth to this legend.

            I set the crane down on his dresser. “Teach me how to fold them.”

            “Okay.” He held his arms out to me, but before I could step into them, he started coughing. These weren’t normal coughs. These made Eren’s knees buckle, made him groan in pain as he clutched at his chest. He pressed his balled up hands against his ribs, as though he were trying to keep something locked up inside of him, but this disease of his was persistent. It was a foe neither of us could beat.

            I rushed over to his side, picking up his cannula from off his nightstand. I eased him back onto the bed before I carefully put the cannula in place. He reached out and clung onto me. I could hear the raspy quality of his coughs, the abnormal sound to them that made me cringe. But I held him close to me, even when he painfully scratched at my shoulders and back.

            Within the next few minutes, Grisha came into the room, but by then the coughing fit was tapering off. It left Eren breathing irregularly, chest rising and falling too fast to be considered normal. When his dad directed him to sit up, he struggled to comply, body trembling like the last leaf on a tree that clung onto the idea of summer; that tried its best to avoid the fast approaching winter. So I helped him. I became his strength, easing him up into a sitting position.

            “If we need to stay,” I started, looking up at Grisha, who hovered around us in concern, “we’ll stay.”

            Eren shook his head. “Don’t…want to…stay.”

            I rubbed his back. “We can go another time.”

            “No, I’m fine,” he forced out, even when he was wheezing. He turned his head to gaze at his dad. “Dad?”

            Grisha took off his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. Right then, he looked incredibly tired. “I’d feel a lot more comfortable with this, if I could come along. I wouldn’t ride in the same car as you. I’ll keep my distance, but I’d like to be near if anything should occur.”

            Eren leaned up a little, reaching out a hand to him. Grisha took it, holding it in his own as if it were something precious. By the way he was looking at him, it was; a small gift that ensured his presence. “Thank you, Dad.”

            “Anything for you, but I’ll let you two get back to packing. In the meantime, I’ll go pick up Jean and Petra. They should be about ready.”

            With that, Grisha left the room.

            Eren didn’t move right away. He listened to the silence, interlacing our fingers in the dimness of his room. He brought them up to eye level and traced my thumb with his. “You asked me if I believed in that legend about the cranes. I do. This world, this universe, has so many secrets that we haven’t even begun to understand. Have you ever seen pictures of the Rainbow Mountains in China?”

            “No,” I said, kissing the top of his head.

            “They’re amazing. It’s like real life magic. I’d like to see them for myself. They look like something you’d see in a children’s book.”

            I didn’t know what to tell him. No amount of promises could make things come to be. If that were the case, we’d be living in a dream, our worries long forgotten. Everyone would have exactly what they wanted, but I only wanted one thing: him. I’d never imagined my future in detail. Before him, all that mattered was finding a means to escape, but now that I had Eren in my life, everything seemed possible. I could picture us moving into a small apartment that would be filled with his creations, coming home to see him working on something new.

            I wanted it so bad. I wanted a lifetime with him. I knew we were young; that people looked at us in our happiness and thought we wouldn’t last. That our love was spontaneous and would evaporate long before it even began, but they didn’t know the way I felt. They couldn’t possibly know how much he meant to me, or how having him around made me feel whole. This wasn’t puppy love. This emotion that burned in my veins like tiny constellations, was real.

            “Do you want to marry me?” I asked.

            Eren’s head flew back so fast, I was sure he gave himself whiplash. “What?”

            I shrugged, a bit embarrassed. “Not now. I’m talking about when we’re older. When I can take care of you myself. Will you marry me then?”

            “Oh, Levi.” He took my face into his hands with care, and I closed my eyes. “I won’t—I can’t…”

            “I know,” I said. “But if you could, would you?”

            “You know I would.”

            I touched my forehead to his. “That’s all that matters.”

            Eren crawled off my lap, and I opened my eyes to see him crossing his room in long strides, dragging his oxygen tank behind him by the tube wrapped around the backs of his ears. He pulled the bottom drawer of his dresser open and took out a long red string. Stretching it out, he snipped it in half with blinding yellow scissors. Then he walked back over to the bed. He grabbed my left hand and tied one piece of string around my ring finger. “Have you watched the movie _Cold Mountain_?”

            “I don’t think I have.”

            He handed me the other piece of string. “In it, the two main characters in love say that in some religions, all you have to do to be married is say, ‘I marry you,’ three times.”

            I peeked up at him through my lashes, taking his left hand in mine. I carefully tied the string around his ring finger. “I marry you. I marry you. I marry you.”

            He bit his bottom lip, smiling shyly. “Do you love me enough to actually marry me?”

            “Yes. I’d be that guy that goes and fetches his dead wife from the Underworld in that one Greek tale.”

            His smiled turned sad. “Will you come and fetch me?”

            “Always.”

            Leaning in, he whispered, “I marry you. I marry you. I marry you.” Hearing those words, said with such sureness, made my heart beat faster.

            “One day,” I promised, “I’ll exchange that string for a ring.”

            Sitting up straight, Eren ran his thumb over the string around my finger. “One day. For now, let’s pack. My dad is going to be back soon, and I want to leave when he gets here.”

            Together, we stood up, and I organized the mess in his suitcase. He had more or less shoved his clothes into it without a care, so I took them out and folded them, shaking my head all the while. Eren laughed at my expression and continued to throw various things onto his bed for me to pack “the right way,” as he put it. I was just glad that we had packed my stuff before we came here.

            We were barely finishing up when we heard the slam of car doors out front. Not even a minute passed before Jean was strolling into the room, a huge smile on his face. He held his arms out wide.

            “Road trip time,” he said, slapping his hands together. The sound echoed around the room. “I can’t believe that you guys weren’t going to invite me. Did you actually think you could have fun without me?”

            Eren said, “There’s no need to pout about it. You’re coming now, aren’t you?”

            Jean pointed a finger at him. “Indeed I am, not thanks to you two assholes.”

            “Shh,” Eren hissed back, batting the air with a grin. “My dad isn’t fond of cursing. If he hears you, he’ll furrow his eyebrows for the rest of the day.”

            “Don’t make Dr. Jaeger furrow his brows, Jean,” I said.

            Jean smirked, ready to make a hasty comeback that would no doubt hold the nastiest of curse words, but then his mouth snapped closed. He was watching me walk around the room, eyes narrowing. I didn’t know what was so interesting about it until he started laughing. Then I remembered, too late, that I was walking with a limp.

            _Fucking shit._

“Oh, this is too good!” Jean yelled, still laughing. “Hold on for one damn minute. Are you limping right now? Wait, don’t tell me: Eren fu—”

            Eren slapped his hand over his mouth, wide eyes darting to the door. “Shut up.”

            Jean pried his hand away and whispered in a loud, obnoxious way, “Did you get fucked in the ass, Levi?”

            “I can break your jaw in less than a minute,” I said, which was true. Kenny had taught me some foul tricks that I couldn’t forget, but it didn’t faze Jean in the least. He kept smiling.

            “That doesn’t answer my question, baby.”

            I didn’t say anything.

            In the seconds that stretched on to feel like minutes, Eren’s eyes found mine. There was something there, something bashful and hurt that made me realize that he thought that I was ashamed of what we’d done last night. I wasn’t ashamed of bottoming. Why would I be?

            “Yeah, I got fucked in the ass,” I said, breaking the silence. “What of it?”

            Eren froze, blushing violently. Jean laughed even harder. When he recovered he said, “Wait, I thought you topped?”

            I asked, “Does it matter?”

            Jean shrugged. “To some it matters a lot.”

            “Well, not to us. Now shut up and carry this suitcase out to the truck.” I picked up Eren’s suitcase, my movements all fast and jerky, and chucked it in his general direction. He caught it with a huff.

            “Whoa now,” Jean said, setting the suitcase down beside his feet. “I didn’t mean anything bad. Seriously, I was just being an ass. You know that, right?”

            I sighed. “Yeah, I do.”

            We stood there in silence, and then Eren put his hands on his hips. He walked up to Jean and poked at his chest with his middle finger. “You owe me lunch for thinking that I could never top. I’m offended.”

            Jean shoved his hands into his coat pockets, offering him a crooked smile. “All right. I owe you lunch. For the record, judging by the way Levi’s walking, I think you did a fine job topping. In fact, I’m proud of you, baby. I’ll buy you lunch _and_ dinner for that.”

            I glared at the both of them, but they ignored me.

            Eren asked, “So, how are you and Petra coming along?”

            Jean’s whole demeanor changed in a second. He looked deflated, all the eagerness he showed about the trip earlier dissipating. “Uh, I don’t know. Things are a bit awkward between us right now. I don’t think she knows how to be something more. Whenever I even attempt anything, she’ll steer me away like she normally would, but then she apologizes for it. I don’t know what to do.”

            Without looking, Eren knelt to grab the handle of his oxygen cart. “I can help. We’re going away for a few days, so it’s a great opportunity to do something romantic. I’ll talk to her, too. I’m sure she’s just conflicted about the whole thing.”

            They left the room together, and I followed after them. We found Petra in the living room. Her eyes shot up, passing over us, but they lingered on Jean. She didn’t say anything, and neither did he. I had an urge to slap the both of them, because they were still being stubborn. They weren’t sure if they wanted to cross the barrier that would transition them from friends, to an item. I knew it was because they didn’t want to lose each other, because relationships made things messy, but that wouldn’t happen. Even if they broke up in the future, they would hold onto their friendship, because that’s what we did. We’d been together too long not to.

            “Let’s go,” I said. “Who’s driving first?”

            Petra stood up. “I will.”

            We left the house after that. Grisha was going to stay behind for a while, to give of us our space, as he promised Eren. In truth, I was glad that he would be tagging along. Having him around would put me at ease, because when it came to Eren’s disease, I didn’t know how to help him. In many ways, he had kept that part of himself hidden, like an ugly scar that held too many memories. It wasn’t my place to force him to let me in. If he wanted me to see him at his worst moments, then that would be his decision to make. Not mine.

            Once we piled into Petra’s truck, we all relaxed. Being on the road, crammed in the truck, was familiar to all of us. As usual, Jean turned on the radio, but Petra’s iPod was plugged in, so a slow song began to play. To my surprise, he didn’t change it. He just sat back and listened to the woman’s voice, eyebrows pinching together. He was trying to hear something in the song that would tell him something about Petra that he didn’t already know.

            Eren shifted on my lap. For some reason, he looked angry. “This is stupid.”

            Petra’s eyes flicked to his face. “What is?”

            “You and Jean. I know it’s none of my business, that I should let you two go about it at your own pace, but don’t take advantage of the time that’s been given to you. There are some people who are holding onto every second.”

            I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my forehead in between his shoulder blades. It was the truth, but I didn’t know how they would take it.

            “Eren,” Petra said, soft and slow. But before she could even go on, Jean turned to her. She jerked back a bit. “Jean?”

            He balled his hands. I could see him shaking, but his voice was steady as he told her, “I’m kind of in love with you. I have been for a long time. I want you in the worst of ways, but I’ll take whatever you give me. If you want to stay friends, and nothing more, then I’m fine with that. But I need to know what you want, because I want you.”

            I was pretty sure Petra was ten seconds away from crashing the truck, so I was glad when she pulled onto the side of the road. She slammed on the brakes and all of us jolted forward. Her grip tightened on the steering wheel, a long exhale pouring out of her, but she said nothing.

            Silence. That’s what greeted us.

            Jean must’ve taken that as an answer, because he said to Eren, “I know you want to sit on Levi’s lap, but we need to switch places. I can’t—”

            “I love you, too,” Petra whispered.

            Jean whirled around. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew he must’ve been looking at her in shock, because Petra just smiled a sloppy smile. She pulled her hands away from the steering wheel to gently push his hair back from his forehead, something she used to do back when we were kids. Then she kissed him, a thousand stars crashing together at once.

            Love was a wondrous thing. It bathed your entire universe in sunlight that bled into the cracks of your skin like magic, but every day had its darkness, the Earth turning away from the sun in an endless dance of time. One day, I’d wake up and my entire life would be gone, held together by fragmented memories. I would never be able to recall my life in its entirety, some things were bound to be forgotten, but I would always remember Eren. I’d always remember the summer that presented to me my first love. I’d hold it in my heart like a flame.

            He had to know that, even after he was gone, I would always be chasing summer.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love. It's such a beautiful thing to experience, but also very sad. In my opinion, anyway. At times, it can hurt like hell. Especially when there's something there that's completely out of your control. 
> 
> Anyway, next chapter will be fun. I promise. They will be on a road trip and things will be happy, because afterwards, well, sadness is near. It's inevitable.
> 
> But now you know where I got the title Chasing Summer from. That last line was one of the first things that crossed my mind when I thought of this story. I'm glad that I was finally able to write it. It makes me emotional, for some reason.
> 
> Thank you for reading. Honestly, if I could personally thank all those that comment, I would. I didn't get back to many who left me a comment in the last chapter, because, like I said, this past week has been a difficult one for me, but I read all of them. :)


	18. Somewhere Not Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _So little time, so long to wait_   
>  _A paradise within your eyes_   
>  _We were moved in time to another space_   
>  _A thousand miles away_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update time again. I want to thank all those that commented last chapter. You made me cry (in a good way). 
> 
> Go on and read. :)

After being on the road for two hours, Petra decided that she was tired of driving, so she pulled into a Chevron gas station with the dual purpose of filling up on gas and switching driver’s.

            Once we were parked at a pump, I pushed open the passenger side door and a gust of cool wind blew back my hair. Eren turned his head to gaze at me over his shoulder, a gorgeous smile lighting up his face. I knew that every fiber of his being wanted to get away, to get lost in the world and leave pieces of himself behind that could later be found by someone who didn’t know him. If he could describe his soul in poems and art, and pin it up on the universe as galaxies and nebulas, he would. Although he hadn’t admitted it to me, I knew that he longed to be remembered in a devastatingly beautiful way.

            I’d always remember him like that, his eyes being tiny planets of their own.

            “I have to pee,” Eren announced, loud enough that I was pretty sure the people parked in front of us had heard him. “Come with me to the bathroom.”

            “Oh,” said Jean, donning his I’m-about-to-be-an-asshole smirk. “You guys better not get ‘familiar’ with each other’s knobs, if you know what I mean.” He winked in the most sarcastic way possible.

            I rolled my eyes so hard, I was sure that they would stick to the top of my eyelids. “Your face is about to get ‘familiar’ with my fist, if you don’t shut your mouth.”

            Eren chuckled before tugging me out of the truck. He popped his head back inside and said, “Jean, I’m already _very_ familiar with Levi’s knob.”

            _Why, Eren? Why?_

I didn’t wait to hear Jean’s response to that, instead grabbing hold of the handle of Eren’s oxygen cart with one hand, and his hand in the other. I started walking toward the convenience store, and felt him put his free hand on my hip, thumb brushing my skin. I glanced back at him. He doubled his steps to press his front to my back, dropping his chin onto my shoulder. We shuffled awkwardly to the front entrance that way, but once we were inside, he pulled me toward the restroom.

            The stench that emitted from right outside the restroom was enough to make me double back. I wrinkled my nose, because that was the definition of foul. There was no way I was going in there.

            Eren shuffled from foot to foot, a pout creasing the skin between his eyebrows. “I really have to pee. Don’t make me go in there alone.”

            “Ugh, fine,” I grumbled, “but I’m not touching anything.”

            “Mkay.”

            He opened the door and immediately the smell slapped me in the face. Oh, fuck. He should’ve just peed outside, where there was fresh air to breathe. I didn’t even want to think about breathing in this stuff, but Eren was already stepping inside, so I followed after him.

            “I’m dying,” he bellowed as the door clicked shut behind us, covering his nose with the sleeve of his shirt.

            I pulled the collar of my shirt up over the bottom half of my face in a desperate attempt to block out the stink. It didn’t help much. “Hurry up and pee before we both die in here.”

            “Okay, okay.” He stepped up to the toilet that was a ghastly shade of yellow, and said, in a too calm voice, “Um, there’s a hole in the wall.” He pointed to it. It was to the right of him; big enough that someone could stick their hand through it, and level with his crotch.

            I instantly tugged him back behind me, realizing what it was. “It’s a glory hole. That’s it. You’re peeing outside.”

            “A glory hole,” Eren repeated, peeking at it over my head. “Do you think a guy is really going to poke his dick through it? Or, wait, they could watch me too.”

            I tilted my head back to eye him. “Uh, I don’t know about you, but I’m not waiting around for some guy to stick his dick through that hole. I’m also not going to let some random pervert stare at your dick while you’re peeing, so let’s go already.”

            “Possessive of my dick, now are we?” He raised an eyebrow.

            “I swear to God, Eren…”

            “Okay, we’ll go.” He wrapped his arms around my waist, nuzzling my cheek with his own. I took in his warmth. It always comforted me, a salve that soothed invisible aches and wounds. “My dick is all yours, by the way. Even if a nasty pervert ogled it through that glory hole over there.”

            I scoffed. “I’m five seconds away from breaking up with you for that comment.”

            That got him to laugh, because he knew I was lying. “You wouldn’t. You love me.”

            I turned around and yanked the door open. “I do. That’s why I’m going to take you away from this disgusting excuse of a restroom. It smells worse than hell in here.”

            We made our way outside (I inhaled the fresh scent of wet grass like a man that had just been brought back to life), where we found a hidden spot for Eren to relieve himself, which he did right away. It pained me to remember that we would have to go back inside that nasty bathroom for him to wash his hands. Then again, the thought of him _not_ washing his hands was enough to make me want to face that dreadful smell all over again. Still, I took a deep breath of clean air to prepare myself for the oncoming stink.

            When we went back inside the convenience store, though, he spared me of having to step into that bathroom again by telling me to go and get him a hot chocolate while he went and washed his hands. He kissed my cheek before he left, a knowing spark in his eyes that let me know that he was sending me away on purpose, that he knew that I didn’t want to go back there, so he wouldn’t make me for a second time.

            As I walked to the back of the store, where the hot chocolate machine was kept, I looked down at the string tied around my finger. I had enough money to buy Eren a real ring. It wouldn’t be anything fancy, but it would hold up better than any string ever could. For some reason, I wanted him to have one, one that he could wear around his finger for everyone to see. I didn’t even care what people would think of me for buying him one at our age. If he accepted it, then that would be enough for me to weather any nasty stares thrown my way.

            With these thoughts tumbling around in my head, I grabbed a plastic cup and set it under the hot chocolate dispenser. I pressed the red button on the machine and watched the hot liquid pour into the cup. Steam billowed up, bringing with it the soft scent of chocolate and warmth. I leaned into it, thinking of paper cranes, legends, and Rainbow Mountains. None of these things ever crossed my mind before I’d met Eren. He had brought so much into my life, laid out so many new things before me.

            I was more than ready to explore them.

            Suddenly, cool hands covered my eyes, snapping me back to the here and now. Warm lips caressed my ear, making me tremble as Eren asked in a deep, husky voice, “Guess who?”

            I smiled, reaching back to tangle my fingers in his hair. “Someone with beautiful eyes.”

            “Guess again.”

            “Eren,” I said, and then added, “Ackerman.” _Hey, that sounded nice._

            Eren twirled me around, smiling stupidly. “Tease.”

            “No, more like a promise. That is, if you’ll have me.”

            “Of course I’ll have you. You can be my cute little husband for forever.”

            I snaked my arms around his waist. “Little?”

            “Shh,” he said, lifting my arms up to his neck, which made me stand on my tippy toes. He was now displaying the widest smile known to man, because he was satisfied with what he saw. “You’re little in the cutest of ways. I could eat you up.”

            While we stood this way, Jean showed up carrying a bag of chips that he had already opened. We paid him no attention until he said, “I could smell the gay from outside,” then we both glared at him.

            He ignored us to pick up the plastic cup that was now full of hot chocolate. He set it down on the counter before he put another cup underneath the dispenser. After he pushed the red button, he told us, “This is for your dad, Eren. He’s outside talking to Petra.”

            “Why didn’t he come in to get it himself?” Eren asked.

            Jean shrugged, popping another potato chip into his mouth. As usual, he was chewing as if he wanted everyone in the solar system to hear him. I was convinced that, even in old age, when he didn’t have any teeth, he would still smack on his food like a cow. “I’m guessing he saw the little display of affection you had going on just a minute ago and didn’t want to interrupt you guys. He was just in here.”

            I looked at Eren to see his reaction to this, expecting something other than the thoughtful smile that was currently occupying his face, but it made me relax.

            The smile didn’t falter as he snapped a lid onto his hot chocolate, and then asked me, “Are you going to get anything?”

            “Coffee,” I replied, because that was my drug of choice.

            “I thought so. Let’s pick up something to snack on too.”

            We paid for our items after we nabbed a couple of snacks—junk food: chips, mini donuts, and chocolate bars—and then headed back to the truck. I pulled open the passenger side door, ready to hop in, but Eren grabbed onto my arm and steered me in another direction. I let him lug me toward the bed of the truck.

            “Let’s sit back here,” he said, setting his hot chocolate down on the tailgate. “Jean can drive.”

            “Okay,” I told him, because I was fine with whatever he wanted to do.

            We piled into the back, putting our food and drinks off to the side to set up my duffle bag as a makeshift pillow that we could lean back on. Then we sat down next to one another. Eren crossed his legs, picking up his hot chocolate and holding it close to his chest. He looked so serene, happy, and I had the urge to capture him looking that way. Even though I wasn’t an artist, I remembered that we had packed his film camera, which would work just fine for me.

            Nestling my coffee in my lap to keep it from tipping over, I unzipped his suitcase and dug around until I found what I was looking for. With the camera carefully tucked under my arm, I closed his suitcase and turned to him. He was grinning, but didn’t say anything as I lifted the camera up and looked at him through the viewfinder. I twisted the focus ring, waiting for everything to become sharp before I pressed down on the shutter button.

            “Have you written poems about me?” I asked, trying not to sound like his response would affect me, like I hadn’t put hours of thought into this particular subject, attempting to stitch together words that sounded like something he would say.

            Eren closed his eyes and tilted his head back, shadows dancing across his face. “I’ve written many about you.”

            I smiled like the complete idiot that I obviously was when it came to him. “Can you tell me one?”

            Jean, as always, had annoying timing, because he chose right then to climb into the driver’s seat and make all sorts of racket. Then he proceeded to glare at us through the back windshield, eyes narrowing into slits. He stayed like that until Petra smacked him on the arm, but that only got him to lift his shirt up and press his chest to the glass.

            “I’m going to cut your nipples off!” I shouted, which earned me quite a few stares, but I ignored them.

            Jean rubbed his chest back and forth in response, letting out loud and exaggerated moans that were so excessive, it was obvious that they were fake. He threw his head back dramatically, and I was about to tell him off, but then Eren started to laugh. As usual, his laugh was infectious, the corners of his eyes crinkling in an adorable way. Before I knew it, I was laughing with him, which only goaded Jean on.

            All the while, Petra was sitting there staring at him like a wife who had heard too many of her husband’s jokes. She appeased him for another couple of seconds before she reached up and smacked him on the back of the head hard enough to make his forehead thud against the glass.

            “Hey,” he complained, turning around in his seat to eye her while he rubbed at his forehead. The bruise on his cheek was now yellowing, fading into something that would be gone within the next few days, but just the sight of it made something knot inside my stomach. “Was that necessary?”

            “Yes,” she said. “Now let’s go. We’re wasting time sitting here watching you…do whatever it was you were just doing.”

            His response to that was: “I was performing, baby.”

            The engine roared to life, and Eren and I turned around to settle back against the duffle bag. As Jean pulled out of the gas station, I noticed that Grisha was standing near one of the pumps, holding a window squeegee. When he saw us, he waved. Eren waved back enthusiastically, while I just gave a sharp swipe of my hand. Then we were gone, moving down the narrow road that would lead us back to the two-lane expressway.

            “Do you ever wonder what we look like to strangers?” Eren asked suddenly, taking a sip of his drink.

            “Like two boys.”

            “No,” he said. “Do you think they can tell that we’re in love?”

            I didn’t know what Eren wanted to hear from me, or if he was just asking out of curiosity. I had so many thoughts of him coursing through my head at once; it was hard to imagine my life without him, or how I was before I had met him. I’d never told him this. In fact, I hadn’t told him a lot of things, because I didn’t know how to say them aloud. But maybe it was time that I started, that I at least tried to. “I think they can,” I said, voice small. “When I look at you, I feel like the whole world is lying in the palm of your hand, and that’s where I want to be for the rest of my life. I think it would be hard not to notice that.”

            Well, that sounded stupid, not at all how I’d imagined it coming out. But Eren was looking at me like I had given him a present, so it must’ve sounded all right to him.

            “You wanted to hear a poem that I wrote about you, right?” he said.

            “Yeah.”

            “I wouldn’t call this a poem. It’s more like a burning thought that you have right before you fall asleep, but it goes like this: _When we die, we’ll remember only a day, a moment, an image of something that means more to us than life itself. In that second, before my soul departs and leaves behind my ruined body, I will remember you and everything we were: the feel of your skin underneath my fingertips, your breath on my lips, the sound of my name in your voice; all of us crashing together into a single, profound second that will guide me into the afterlife. And I will smile, because I have known true happiness._ ”

            I stared at him for a long time, and he stared back. In that instant, I could see us as two atoms colliding, forming one being, because we would always be a part of each other, no matter what.

            I didn’t even know it was possible to love someone this much, didn’t think it would ever be possible again, but I felt fortunate. Not everyone was lucky enough to experience this type of love, and I knew that it would stay with me forever, through the good and the bad.

            “Levi?” Eren said. He sounded shy, cheeks reddening.

            “I’m convinced.”

            “Convinced?” He tilted his head to the side, eyebrows knitting together in confusion. God, he was so cute. “Of what?”

            “That we’re meant for something more.” That _he_ was meant for something bigger than Shiganshina. He had so much to offer. He was something wildly beautiful being contained by his lungs, but I had this feeling, this bizarre intuition that that wouldn’t be able to contain him for much longer, either.

            “I think so too,” he said, but then added, while I was taking a gulp of my coffee, “We’re meant to have a threesome.”

            I choked on my drink, sputtering. He just calmly thumped me on the back. When I recovered, I said, “ _What?_ ”

            “Threesome. You, me, some other guy. It’d be fun.”

            I stared at him long and hard.

            He started laughing at my bewildered expression. “You should see your face right now.”

            “Were you being serious?” I asked.

            “Of course I wasn’t. Like I’d want to share you. I honestly just wanted to see your reaction.”

            I looked at him without blinking. “You’re not cute.”

            “I so am,” he retorted.

            I shook my head. “Nope. You lost it. It’s gone.”

            He jutted out his bottom lip and leaned into me. “Are you sure?”

            I pretended not to see it, because it was _horribly_ cute, and picked up my coffee to take a proper drink of it, since he had interrupted me the last time. He kept looking at me, but I kept drinking.

            “Levi,” he whined. I smiled, but continued to ignore him. “Levi,” he repeated, but didn’t give me a chance to respond. He knocked me back, sending my drink flying over the side of the truck. I heard it hit the asphalt, but it sounded far away, because his lips were on mine. His fingers slid into my hair, using the strands caught in his palm to yank my head back. I whined into his mouth and he bit down on my lower lip. “How do you feel when I’m kissing you like this?”

            _Like I am the only thing in the world that matters to you_ , I thought, but didn’t say out loud.

            Eren didn’t seem to be looking for an answer, because he was back to kissing me, tongue delving into my mouth. He moved over me and I grabbed handfuls of his shirt, tugging him closer, feeling his warmth seep into my bones. I knew that we weren’t being quiet. Whenever his hips brushed against mine, I gasped, completely responsive and open. I’d never be like this with anyone else. No one would be able to break down all my walls the way he had.

            Suddenly Jean shouted, loud enough for us to hear over the blaring wind, “I’m recording this, just so you know. I’ll make bank online. I’ll title it: _Brokeback Truck._ ”

            Eren leaned back and said, “That’s a stupid title. I could come up with a better one.”

            “Lies!” Jean muttered. “Mine’s genius.”

            “He’s on a roll today,” I said. “That’s the third time he’s interrupted us.”

            “It’s fine. I have something I want to show you, anyway.” Reaching over me, Eren slipped something out of the front pocket of his suitcase. It was a folded up piece of notebook paper. He handed it to me without a word.

            I sat up as I took it from him. Then I unfolded the paper in my lap, instantly met with his slanted handwriting. It was sloppier than usual, but I quickly skimmed over what he had written down in black ink, which made my eyes dart up to his face. “Your bucket list?”

            “Mhm.” He lifted his head up just to drop it onto my upper thigh. “That list would exist even if my lungs weren’t crap, so don’t give me that withering look. I would like to cross some of that stuff off in Sina, with you.”

            “Okay,” I said, unable to compose my expression. Withering? Is that what it looked like right now? “We’ll do as much of it as we can.” I read off the first thing he’d written. “Get a tattoo?”

            “Yes. I know I joked about it the other day, but I really would like to get one. I want a poem forever branded onto my skin.”

            I went down the list, turning the paper toward him to point one out. “Can we do this one first?”

            “Have sex in a public space,” he read. “Oh, I know you were being a tease, but we’re going to do that first now.”

            “You give me too much credit. I was actually being serious.”

            Both his eyebrows shot up, his mouth making a little _o_. “Really? Have some fantasies you care to share?”

            I looked away, not able to meet his eyes, because I _did_ have fantasies about this. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell him about them. Some of them were pretty bad, but didn’t everyone have those types of secrets?

            Still…

            “You do, don’t you?” Eren said, smirking. “Tell me.”

            “No,” I mumbled, suddenly embarrassed. Why did I have to point that out? It wasn’t like I was expecting him to fulfill these fantasies. Being with him was always enough for me.

            “You’re blushing.”

            I turned my face away. “You’re imagining things.”

            _Shit._ My cheeks were warm enough to be considered miniature heaters.

            “I’m not.” He grabbed my chin, tilting my head back. He kissed each cheek, and then brushed my dimple with the pad of his thumb. “I love this dimple. I want to live in it in my next life, come back and build a little home in there. You better take care of me.”

            I smiled in a shy way that would probably make everyone else who knew me stop and stare, because I never smiled like this. I had a permanent bitch face before Eren. “Ugh. Stop. I hope you know that this is all a dream. I _never_ blush.” I covered my face.

            Eren pulled me onto his lap and cradled my hands in his, pulling them away to expose my still flushed cheeks. He leaned in, lips touching my heated skin as he whispered, “I love you, Levi.”

            It didn’t matter how many times he said those words to me, they would always make me feel safe and warm, like he had wrapped a blanket around me. Right now, with him holding me, the wind cool on the back of my neck, it was hard to remember how it felt to be sad. There were countless things I wanted to tell him, to show him, a lifetime of desires. I wanted to build more memories with him until there were enough of them to fill up the Earth. Even then, I wanted to add more. I just…wanted. All of me wanted him, desperately.

            “When we’re married,” Eren said in a way that made me believe that he believed that one day we _would_ be married, “I want a house in the country, because cities are overrated and boring.”

            “Mm, very overrated and boring,” I agreed, humoring him.

            “Plus, in the country, I’d be able to fall asleep to the sound of nothing but nature. Then I’d wake up every morning and see your face, crumpled up from sleep. I want that. I also want someone to invent a way for two guys to have a baby, because I think our babies would be pretty damn adorable.”

            That made me laugh. “They’d be adorable if they looked like you.”

            “Um, no. I want a mini you. I’d draw him all day, every day, and take thousands of pictures. He’d probably get tired of me by the time he was five, but that’s all good, because he would be legally bound to me until he was eighteen.”

            I grinned. It felt lopsided on my face. “If he looks like me, I want him to have your hair and eye color.” Now that I thought about it, a little boy with Eren’s eyes would be too much for me to handle. That baby would have me in the palm of his hand. I would literally not be able to say no to him.

            “Fine,” Eren relented. “Now hand me one of my shirts, because I just spilt my hot chocolate.”

 

(x)

 

We made it to Sina at seven p.m., and I was tired in a way that only driving for three hours could make you. I was ready to sleep the night away, so I put up no protest when Eren pointed out an ugly, old motel inn. It looked like a place where someone would murder you in cold blood, but I pulled into the parking lot anyway, because I didn’t even want to think about driving anymore.

            Jean and Petra clambered out of the truck together once I’d parked, stretched their arms above their heads, and then walked to the front office. For one awkward moment, they kind of ignored each other, but then Jean took her hand and I could see that they were on their way to being a couple, to being okay with it.

            I smiled at their departing backs.

            “I’m tired as hell,” I said, turning the key in the ignition. The engine cut off and I relaxed back into the seat.

            Eren turned toward me. “I’ll let you take a two hour nap, and then we have to start on this list.”

            “Make it three hours,” I told him, dropping my head back onto the headrest. “I need to be wide awake when we do the first thing.”

            He chuckled. “Why? Need to be at the top of your game?”

            I grunted. “Don’t make fun of me. I’ll make you regret it.”

            “Oh?” He raised an eyebrow, and before I knew it, he was straddling me. I thought about how his dad could show up at any minute, but I put my hands on his hips in spite of that. “How so?”

            I smirked, slipping my hands under his shirt to touch his bare skin. “You’ll find out in three hours, won’t you?”  

                   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I actually drew Eren and Levi's love child from this fic, because I have no self control, and after I wrote about it, I wanted to make it real somehow. You can see my little doodle [here.](https://instagram.com/p/7T3MqRG7zG/)  
> I have the crappiest software to color stuff in, so just imagine his eye color as Eren's eye color, mkay? 
> 
> AHH, I can't wait to write next chapter. ~~Take me seriously when I say it's going to be CRAZY~~ (I lied). You know how Eren can be, and how Jean can be. It's just going to be loads of fun and chaos and…nakedness. xD
> 
> Thank you for reading, always! ♡


	19. Our Song of Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Oh, I beg you: can I follow?_   
>  _Oh, I ask you: why not always?_   
>  _Be the ocean, where I unravel_   
>  _Be my only, be the water where I'm wading_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised a happy, crazy chapter, but ended up writing a complicated and sad one instead. I blame that on the fact that my health has taken a turn for the worst over the last couple of weeks, so I've been rather miserable. 
> 
> Let's not get all sad, though. Onto happy news: I received fan art that made my day, you can view it [here.](https://instagram.com/p/7aridVm75R/)  
> I wasn't sure if you wanted me to give out your FB account, Reiko, so I linked them to where I posted it on my Instagram account. I hope you don't mind. 
> 
> Now go on and read. :)

Whenever I looked at Eren, I ached with the weight of my hope. I wanted to do the impossible for him, to bend time and space. Although I didn’t have the means to change the outcome of his future, I could help him accomplish the things that he wanted to do in the present. That would be my gift to him, until the very end.

            So, sex in a public space. When I’d pointed it out to him in the back of the truck, the words a slanted memory of want on a wrinkled piece of paper, I thought it would be easy to do, something that would play out exactly as it had in my head. But when was reality anything like your daydreams? Reality was doing things in the moment, unplanned and awkward. It was Eren smiling as he led me into a dark room somewhere in the motel inn we were staying in. It was the unsteady pound of my heart, and being lost with wanting—always wanting.

            “If we get caught,” Eren started, grabbing hold of my hips and shoving me hard against the wall, “I’m not stopping.”

            I swallowed, and my voice sounded hoarse as I told him, “Who said you were topping?”

            The smile that spread across his face made my knees go weak. “You want to top? Then take control.”

            Goddamnit. He was going to be the death of me.   

            When it came to physical strength, I had him beat. I could easily toss him over my shoulder and make him eat his words, but he was the one person that I would gladly let take control of me. Then again, his skin was _hot_ against my palm, enticing and far too tempting to pass up. I switched our positions with ease, yearning for this moment to unfold, but he put his hand on my chest, keeping me at bay.

            “Tell me about your fantasies,” he whispered into my ear. There was enough streetlight filtering in through a dirty window to the right of us that I was able to see his fingers, which were undoing the button of his jeans. The light, dull and cloudy, gave them a hazy effect in the dark room. “I want to make them real.”

            I made eye contact with him. Fantasies were nothing in comparison to being here with him. “None of that stuff matters. This”—I put my middle and forefinger to his lips—“is real, and that’s better than any fantasy I could ever have.”

            “Then tell me about the fantasies you’ve had about me.” His hand dipped under the band of his boxers and his eyes pinched shut. “Or are you going to make me guess?”

            For a long moment, I couldn’t find the words to tell him that what he was doing right now was perfect. I could stand there and watch him for the rest of the night. I was intoxicated with the slow and unpredictable emotion flowing through my veins. And as he caught sight of my expression, a knowing look crossed his face. With Eren, it was best to expect the unexpected, but I was still caught off guard when he shoved me hard enough to make me stumble back a few steps.

            When I regained my footing, he asked, “Do you like watching me touch myself?” He tilted his head back against the wall, mouth falling open on a heavy breath as he began to stroke himself, hand giving a slow turn just beneath the tip.

            “Do you even have to ask?” I gestured to the very evident bulge in my pants. My insides twisted fiercely when his tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip, eyes devouring me where I stood. I desperately wanted to touch him. Up until now, I’d always been so careful, treating him like he was something fragile, breakable, but in this moment, I wanted to cross that invisible line that I’d set up for myself.

            He looked up at me through half-closed eyes. “I want to hear you say it.”

            It amazed me how he could be so blunt, even in this type of situation. I envied him for being able to hold nothing back. Even though he knew me better than anyone else, I was still hesitant to show him some parts of me, because I’d kept them hidden for so long. But I realized, as his eyes met mine, that he was entrusting me with this side of him, so I decided to do the same.

            Stepping up to him, I took his chin between thumb and forefinger, pushing aside all the hesitancy I’d felt a minute ago. I looked him in the eye and said, “I like watching you touch yourself for me.”

            Eren shuddered around a whimpering moan, wrapping his leg around my waist. His knee pushed my shirt up, jeans rough against my bare skin as he tipped his head back. “Touch me.”

            I took hold of his jeans and boxers, sliding them down his legs until they pooled at his feet. He stepped out of them, and then I slipped my hand under his knee, lifting his leg up to wrap it around my waist again. “Tell me where you want me to touch you.” I leaned in close, lips brushing his earlobe when I added, in a low voice, “Be specific.”

            In the time it took him to reach into my front pocket to get the lube that he’d made sure I’d grabbed before leaving our room, I had an epiphany: My life could consist of moments like these, but it wouldn’t turn out that way, would it? I saw a future I would never have unfurl before me. I saw thousands of kisses I’d never get to experience, thousands of touches that were taken away from me long before they could manifest into my reality. I saw Eren, beautiful and strong, fading into nonexistence, because life was cruel and unfair.

            Life offered you everything, just to take it all away day by day.

            I suddenly remembered a quote he’d written down in the sketchbook he had given me on our anniversary, next to a wilting flower he had drawn. It played in my head like a vow spoken in apologetic whispers: “ _Because in that moment you’ll have gone so far, I’ll wander mazily over all the earth, asking ‘Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?’”_  

            “Eren,” I whispered, pulling him closer to me. How could something so real, so solid in my arms, be gone already?

            How could I hold onto something that was disappearing with every second that passed by?

            So, I told him the truth. That was all I could afford to say, because even moments like these were tinged with unforgettable sadness.

            “You’re my greatest fantasy,” I said.

 

(x)

 

I felt guilty as we walked back to our motel room. Eren had wanted something adventurous—a scene straight out of a movie—yet I hadn’t been able to give that to him. I’d been soft and tender, my emotions spilling out of me with every kiss we’d shared back in that dark room. I didn’t know how to make this ache inside of me stop. But, worst of all, I didn’t know how to hide it from him anymore. It felt like I was dying alongside with him, but I would be left behind.

            Why was he going where I couldn’t follow? 

            Our motel room felt impossibly small as I pushed open the door that led to it, weighed down by all the things that I wanted to say, but didn’t know how. I was always struggling to find the right words that would tell him exactly how I felt. For once, why couldn’t these things come easy to me? Why was it always so difficult to convert my thoughts into sentences?

            I lingered by the door, while Eren walked over to the queen size bed. He dumped his cannula on the nightstand, and then sat down on the edge of the mattress. I stood there watching him untie his shoes. Then I lifted my gaze to his face, trying to see what his expression held, but he didn’t look angry. He was sporting the smallest of grins, and seeing it did something funny to my heart.

            “I’m sorry,” I said.

            He lifted his eyes to peer at me head on, but he didn’t speak right away. He crossed his legs, grey cable-knit socks disappearing under his jeans. “For what?”

            “For ruining everything.”

            “Is that what you think?” he asked, patting the empty space beside him. “Come here. Let me erase any doubts that you have.”

            Like a small child, I walked up to the bed with my head lowered. I sat down next to him, noticing large black stains on the beige carpet, but then he swiveled around until he was facing my side and my attention immediately was on him. He smelt of Petra’s apple scented lotion, which smelled a lot better on him than it did on her. Then again, I was biased.

            “You’re sad,” he began, draping his arms around my waist. “I’m not mad at you for that, Levi.”

            I groaned in frustration, bringing the heels of my palms up to my forehead. “I want to give you everything, but I can’t even go one day without letting these emotions I’m feeling get in the way. God, Eren, I’m so scared. I’ve never been more scared in my life. I love you so much… I don’t want to lose you, and I know that’s a selfish thing to say, but it’s the truth. I don’t want to live without you.” I exhaled, my breath hitching at the very end.

            I felt sick for having admitted that to him. He had chosen me to be his last big adventure, his chance at experiencing love in the rawest of forms, yet here I was, falling apart.

            _Fuck_. Why couldn’t I pull it together already?

            Eren tugged me closer to him, resting his chin on my shoulder. “You keep saying you want to give me everything, but when will you realize that being here with you is all I want? If you could’ve seen me before I came to Shiganshina, you wouldn’t recognize me. I wasn’t how I am now. I was…empty, ruined, and sad—so incredibly sad. For the first time in a long time, I am happy, Levi.”

            I turned my head toward him, palms rubbing against my forehead. “I fucked up back there, didn’t I?”

            “Is that why you’re like this?” He grinned, leaning in a bit to nibble on my jaw. I tried to suppress a smile. “If you think that I’m against you making love to me like I am the most precious thing in the world to you, then you’re wrong.”

            “You weren’t looking for hot…nasty sex?”

            He sucked in his lips, making a choking sound as he tried, unsuccessfully, to keep his laughter in. “Hot, nasty sex?”

            I shoved him away from me. “Be serious. I actually wanted to know.”

            He clung onto my neck with a death grip. “I’m sorry, but you’re so cute.”

            I shoved him again, but he wrapped his legs around my waist to keep himself in place. I started tickling his sides, and, somehow, we ended up falling back onto the bed in a heap of covers and limbs. Before I could collapse on top of him, I put my hands on either side of his head, holding myself up. As his laughter began to fade, I leaned down and kissed him.

            He spoke into my skin as he said, “I’m not gone yet. I’m right here. Stop letting me go already.”

            I let myself slink down, my body falling on top of his, but he simply wound his arms around me. “I’m not letting go. I think I’m trying too hard to hold on.”

 

(x)

 

Although the motel inn didn’t have a lot to offer, it did have a game room. There were antique arcade games lined up against the walls that cast blue shadows along the dark carpet. There was also a pool table in the center of the room, flooded with a dim yellow light that came from a pendant lamp that hung right above it. That’s where Eren and I sat cross-legged, a pizza box between us. Petra and Jean were off playing games, but I was determined to give Eren his greasy food fix.

            I felt cocooned here, like nothing could touch us while we sat here eating pizza. Even when Eren was wearing his cannula, and had been for most of the afternoon, whether he was walking or sitting.

            I tried not to think about that too much.

            “I’m so full,” Eren said as he took another bite of his slice.

            “Then stop eating.”

            He shook his head, defiant. “No. I’m finishing this slice, and then I’m going to lie here, because I feel like my stomach is about to burst.”

            “I’ll lie here with you.”

            He used his foot to slide the pizza box to the side, so that he could press his feet into my lap. “Of course.”

            In the end, he couldn’t finish the slice. He chucked it back into the box as though it had offended him, and then he crawled into my lap like an oversized cat. With a napkin, I wiped away any excess grease off my fingers, before I slid them through his hair. He nuzzled his face against my stomach, sliding his hands under my shirt.

            I couldn’t stop looking at the cannula. Over the last couple of months, I’d grown used to seeing it. No matter where Eren went, it went along with him—a new type of ball and chain.

            I hated it. I knew that it was helping him, but seeing him wearing it was a constant slap to the face, a reminder that he wasn’t okay. That he was never going to be okay, not now, not ever. The boy I was so desperately in love with was dying. I had to accept that, but how? There was no easy way to do that. I’d thought that I knew what I was getting myself into, but I didn’t have the slightest clue. From here on out, he was only going to get worse.

            I’d made the mistake of researching IPF when he thought I was napping earlier. Now, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. All those images of tarnished lungs were stuck, like cement glue, inside of my head. Words such as _scarring_ and _irreversible_ kept playing in my mind over and over again, a never-ending mantra. But the worst had been when I read the sentence: _IPF ultimately robs a patient of the ability to breathe._

            He was drowning on dry land…

            “I have a feeling that this is how you’re going to become once I’m gone,” Eren mumbled into my shirt.

            I tried to compose myself. “How’s that?”

            “Quiet,” he told me. “Lost in thought. Unable to focus on the present, but always the past.”

            “If I focus on the past, it’s because the past is irreplaceable.” He was irreplaceable, my summertime.

            He sat up. “The past is already gone. We only have the present.” He slid off the pool table, glaring at his oxygen cart as he did. He snatched up the handle aggressively. “Are you going to keep acting this way?”

            _Goddamnit. I upset him._

            “I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say.

            “I know.” Without another word, he started walking toward the exit. He called back, “I’m going home.”

            _What?_

            I hopped off the pool table. The second my feet were on the ground, I was running after him. I wanted to punch myself. Back in the diner, all those days ago, Grisha had told me that there were going to be hard days ahead, that Eren wouldn’t always be able to hide his lung disease from me. I’d told him that I understood that, that I wouldn’t abandon him. But what I was doing was worse. I was passing up the present, fixating on a future that wasn’t even here yet.

            “Eren!” I called. I’d made it out to the parking lot, but he was nowhere in sight, which meant he was running…

            I ran twice as fast as I was before, darting past parked cars and people walking to and from their motel rooms. If they got in my way, I’d push them off to the side. I had to get to Eren. Why couldn’t I just fucking stop my brain for five minutes? Why was I doing this to him?

            I turned the corner that would lead me toward our room, and there he was, on the floor, breathing jaggedly. I quickly knelt down next to him, but he didn’t reach out to me as he normally would. Instead, he pushed me. I wasn’t prepared for it, so I fell back onto my ass.

            “No,” he said. It was barely a word—just an exhalation.

            “Please…” I didn’t know what I was asking for. I just wanted to hold him, to get him to Grisha, to do _something._ He was breathing so heavily, his body shook with it, and it was my fault.

            He looked up at me, eyes filled with tears. “I won’t…keep doing this…to you. I’m…done being selfish.”

            I was nothing, a memory of a boy. I remembered too clearly who I had been before Eren came to Shiganshina. I was a person without a purpose, living in a future that didn’t exist. I was not me, but what I did: went to school, to work, to Petra’s house; fought on a rainy day, spray can bottle clasped tight in my hand, the metallic taste of blood in my mouth… What had I been? _Who_ had I been? Not a living person, just someone who existed to escape himself.

            I crawled up to where Eren sat and let him hit me, let him shove at me in a mixture of anger and sadness, but I pulled him into my arms anyway. I held him close and spoke in the language he understood best, though it was not my words that left me, it was words that had touched him somehow—words that had touched me, as well, when I read them scrawled in his slanted handwriting.

            “ _‘So I wait for you like a lonely house till you will see me again and live in me. Till then my windows ache. ’_ I’ll never know why you chose me, Eren, but I’m happy that you did. Even if you leave, if that’s your choice, you have to know that I’ll always be in love with you.”

            Up until I recited the poem, Eren had been fighting against me, but now he lay limp in my arms. I rubbed his back until he took hold of my shoulders and leaned away from me. I stilled my hands. I could focus on his breathing, on the harsh way it sounded, but I chose to look him in the eyes, to trust him to tell me if he needed help.

            I waited for him to say something.

            …and waited

            Silence.

            “Let’s run away,” he said at last.

            “What?”

            “This trip was supposed to be about us, about getting away from everything for a couple days, but my dad has been hovering around us like a bee does a flower. The only reason he’s not here right now is because I finally convinced him to go get himself some food. Let’s go. What do we have to lose? I’m so tired of playing it safe. My days are numbered, Levi. I shouldn’t have to play by the rules anymore.”

            I wanted to tell him that his dad could still call the cops on us, because the rules would always apply to us. I could also lose any trust I’d managed to build up with Grisha, but what did that matter? Most people, for all their lives, lived the way other people told them to live. Even though I had been a rebel, I still did the basic requirements of a teen. I went to school, I did my homework, and at one point in time, I even applied to colleges, because that was expected of me. But who expected this? Kenny was gone.

            I was tired of living the way society told me to live. For once, I was going to live exactly how I wanted to—consequences be damned.

            “Let’s go,” I said.

            Eren smiled and stood up. It took him a long moment to steady his breathing, but once he did, he was walking toward our motel room. Petra’s truck keys were in there. A part of me felt bad for leaving her and Jean behind, seeing as they got tied into this, but I knew that they’d understand. I also knew that I owed them a lot for being the best friends I could ever ask for.

            “What are we bringing?” I asked as we walked into the room. Adrenaline was starting to run through my veins, making me edgy and exhilarated all at once.

            “My suitcase is too monstrous, so just dump some of my clothes into your duffel bag. Be quick about it too, because my dad will be rushing. Also”—he whirled around to face me—“I’m sorry I punched you.”

            I rubbed my shoulder. It hurt a little where he had hit it. Then I remembered something. “I thought you said you couldn’t throw a punch.”

            He shrugged, unconcerned. “I might’ve lied to make you feel manlier. You can’t blame me. I was basically in love with you from the moment I laid eyes on you, as cliché as that sounds, and you were totally in denial about being gay.”

            “I was not in denial.” I really had been. “Plus, I’m only gay for you.”

            “Yeah, and trust me, my ass knows it. By the way, you’re still limping some, and I’m over here walking like a champ.”

            I stared at him for a long minute, and then said, “You wound me.”

            “Yeah, I know, now hurry.”

            After I slung the strap of my duffel bag over my head, I caught up to him (he was already out the door somehow). When I was in stride with him, I couldn’t help but notice that he was still breathing hard, so I picked him up in one fell swoop. It was a good thing he had a sturdy hold on the handle of his oxygen cart, otherwise it would’ve been left behind. As I walked toward the parking lot, I thought about telling Petra about our plan. Someone was going to have to relay the news of our escape to Grisha, or he was going to stress, and even though I wanted to fulfill Eren’s wishes, I didn’t want to worry his dad anymore than necessary.

            “Can we tell Petra about this?” I asked.

            Eren said, “I’ll text her.”

            “But…” It dawned on me. “You took my cell phone?”

            “Yeah. I had this planned the whole time, but you were being miserable, so I didn’t know when to tell you.”

            I reached Petra’s truck, and he all but leaped out of my arms. I waited until he was inside before I hurled my duffel bag in the back (I felt like a criminal on the run). Then I was getting into the truck next to him, sliding the key into the ignition and turning it. “I’ll try to be better about this,” I said as I backed out of the parking space. I didn’t want to promise him anything, because I didn’t want to wind up breaking it. “I know I’ve been a hypocrite. I’ve told you countless times to live in the present, but here I was, not even following my own advice.”

            For a long time, he didn’t say anything. I just drove in silence, the road unwinding before us like a rigid snake. I kept my eyes ahead and tried not to think about how I’d upset him so badly, that he was ready to let me go. Maybe being ready had nothing to do with it. Maybe, when you gave someone up, you swallowed down your pain and did it for them. But I wasn’t willing to let him go, not until he was torn away from me.

            Even then, I’d still hold on.

            Eren raised his hand, tunneling it behind the headrest to lay it against my neck. His fingers were warm against my skin. “You know, love is hard without a lung disease being involved.”

            “I know.”

            “We’re so young, too. How melodramatic.”

            “Someone should make a movie about us.”

            “Titled?”

            I looked over at him for a second before I returned my eyes to the road, feeling shy. “ _Chasing Summer_.”

            I waited for him to tell me that he could come up with a better title than that, but he never did. He sat there looking thoughtful, probably wondering how I’d come up with it. Then he said, “That day we went to the bonfire, you said I looked like summertime. Why?”

            “Because you looked warm and inviting. Also, your eyes were the prettiest damn shade of green I’d ever seen. In Shiganshina, it’s always gloomy, and you were sitting there in your wheelchair on the beach and you were just…a brilliant spot of warmth. I can’t explain it right, but it felt like I came alive in that moment.”

            “Pull over,” he suddenly demanded.

            “What? Why?”

            “Because I _need_ to kiss you. You don’t understand.”

            I pulled over onto the side of the road, and he barely gave me enough time to put the truck in park before he was kissing me, hard, as if his life depended on it. I kissed back, drawing him closer to me, our hips meeting, our chests pressing into one another’s. I could feel his heartbeat, so strong, so alive against mine.

            His breath was hot on my lips when he whispered, “When I met you, the love of my life, I was both happy and sad. Happy because I saw that, for you, it was only the beginning, and sad because I knew it was already over.” He leaned his forehead against mine. “We were destined to end since the very beginning, weren’t we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this fic is nearing its end. I'd say there's about 6 or 7 chapters left. I don't know how to feel about that yet. But, we'll find out when we get there. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading. <3


	20. Timeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Although I may have lost my way_   
>  _All paths lead straight to you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally updating during the day, and not in the dead of night, which means I can actually think for longer than a few minutes. With that being said, here we are with another chapter. I'm in good spirits today, and I'm boasting about that, because the last couple of days have been a bit sad for me, but I apologize for not getting back to the people who commented last chapter…again. *not so silent sobs*
> 
> I will get back to all the comments on this chapter. Promise.
> 
> I'd also like to dedicate this chapter to Pyxy_Styx, another fighter of time. ♡
> 
> Now go on and read. :)

I drove late into the night, Eren a constant bundle of heat beside me on the bench seat. After fighting to stay awake for an hour, his exhaustion had finally won. Now, he lay curled up in a tight ball, head resting on my upper thigh. His breathing, deep and repetitive, was comforting me to the point where I was finding it hard to keep my eyes open, my vision going in and out of focus.

            A few miles back, I saw a sign for a rest area off the next exit that we’d have to camp out at for the rest of the night, because I was more asleep than awake. The two-way traffic markings were becoming nothing more than a white, hazy blur on the road in front of me. That, right there, was a warning sign that I shouldn’t be driving anymore. Especially since I was the only one awake. If I zoned out, there would be no one to snap me out of it.      

            Gripping the steering wheel with both hands as if that would help me fight the heaviness of my eyelids, I managed to make it to the rest area without any casualties. The first thing I noticed was that the parking lot was empty, looking both ominous and dark as I pulled into a vacant space in front of the restrooms. When I turned the key in the ignition, the sound of the rumbling engine giving way to silence, I felt the pressing need to lock the doors, which was impossible with how Eren was lying.

            I turned and gave his shoulder a gentle shove. He mumbled something incoherent in his sleep, pulling his legs closer to his chest, but didn’t stir. I had a feeling that it would take a lot to wake him up, at this point. At the angle I was in, it would be impossible to pick him up and move him over myself. So it was either nag him until he woke up, because my leg was now going numb, or endure the aches that came with sleeping in a sitting position.

            “Eren,” I said, giving the gentle approach one last go. This time around, he turned onto his stomach, stretching his arms above his head and giving my jeans a little scratch. He reminded me of a kitten. “Eren,” I tried again.

            “No,” he mumbled.

            “Are you awake, or sleep talking? I can’t even feel my leg right now.”

            He bit down on my thigh, hard enough that I could feel the sharpness of his teeth through my jeans. “I bet you felt that. Oh, and I’m awake.” He sat up, hair as splendid as ever. I loved it. “What time is it? And where in the heck are we?”

            I could barely contain the chuckle that threatened to burst through my closed lips. For some reason, I found it hilarious that Eren had a hard time uttering a curse, but could be absurdly loud while having sex in a very public space. That was just the way he was.

            “We’re at a rest area, because I’m half dead right now,” I told him after I recovered. “And lock your door.”

            He leaned to the side, pushed the lock knob down with his elbow, and then fished out his cell phone from his front pocket. It lit a white circle on his face when he turned it on. As he glanced at the screen, his expression went from cute and sleepy, to worried and wide awake. He turned the phone toward me. There was an abundance of missed calls from his dad.

            “Should we go back?” I asked.

            “No. I’ve never done anything bad in my life. I think I’ve earned to be rebellious for once.” He typed out a text message that he didn’t allow me to read, and sent it before shutting off his phone. I had a bad feeling about this, but at the same time, I wanted these stolen moments with him. I knew his dad would give me hell for this later, that I’d have to answer to him once we were back in Shiganshina, but I’d deal with that then. Right now, I was too sleepy to even think straight.

            “I’m really tired,” I said, because it took actual effort to keep my eyes open. “Let’s go to sleep.”

            He snuggled up against me, tossing his phone to the side as if he planned on never picking it up again. “I wish we had a blanket. It’s freezing in here.”

            “Come here.” I tugged him into my arms, leaning back until both of us were lying on the bench seat. We moved around some, adjusting ourselves to fit in the limited space. When we were lying chest to chest, I slipped my fingers beneath the back of his shirt, tracing lazy patterns on his skin. He started to hum a slow, soothing tune, the vibrations of his voice traveling through my ribcage.

            I fell asleep with lyrics— _The Summer’s hot / And I’ve been waiting for you all this time—_ stuck in my head.

 

(x)

 

The sun was cooking my face. That was the first thing I thought. The second thing was that it felt like someone had jabbed a blunt knife into my side. I groaned, disoriented from hours of sleep. It took me several minutes to remember where I was, my eyes coming open to see the sun floating amidst the pale blue sky that seemed to hover an inch above me. I blinked, but everything remained the same—our eternal summer lit brilliantly by a burning star.  

            I sat up, the ache in my side becoming more noticeable as I moved around. Eren was already awake, looking cheerful and painfully sexy. He had taken off his shirt, bare chest soaking in the sunlight that made his skin look an edible bronze. I stared at him, feeling the strongest urge to touch him, so I leaned to the side and kissed his neck. His skin was pleasantly warm against my lips. That’s when I heard a high-pitched squeal.

            I turned my head towards the source and saw two girls standing in front of the truck, staring at us through the front windshield with huge smiles on their faces. “What the fuck?” I blurted, confused by their presence.

            Eren chuckled. “They were staring at us while we were sleeping. I was lying on top of you and you sort of had your hand down the back of my pants, because _obviously_ your body gravitates towards my behind while you sleep, but they haven’t left since then.”

            “First of all, I can’t be blamed for what my hand does while I’m sleeping, because I’m _obviously_ not aware of what I’m doing.”

            “Obviously,” he said.

            I ignored him. “Second of all, why are they just standing there staring at us?”

            “Three words, babe: hot gay sex.”

            My eyes flicked over to his face. He was grinning from ear to ear, enjoying himself. “Okay, no,” I told him. “It probably doesn’t help that you’re sitting there shirtless. If they weren’t gawking at us, I would already have my hand down your pants again.”

            “I am moved by how much of a gentleman you are. Now let’s get out of this truck. My legs are almost as stiff as your dick.” He leaned toward me, smiling wide at his joke.

            “Did you really just…?”

            “Shh. Quiet. There’s no time to wonder about it now. Legs.” He pointed to his legs, which were as long and irresistible as ever. “Stiff.”

            I rolled my eyes. “I get it.”

            With the sun hot on my skin, it was hard to remember last night’s sadness. Sitting here next to Eren, who was slipping his hands through the sleeves of his blue-grey T-shirt, I could imagine taking this fragile, paper thin moment, and stretching it out to last forever—a drop in time that rippled out into an infinity; translucent and beautiful.

            While staring at me, and looking a bit worried, Eren put on his cannula. I knew that he was thinking about yesterday, about all the things that I’d said in the heat of the moment, but today I wouldn’t let any of that affect my mood. Today was different, a new leaf. To prove that to him, I leaned forward and took hold of the cylinder wrench that he’d left on the dashboard. I used it to turn the valve on his oxygen tank, which was now carefully tucked between his legs.

            “I thought you were in a hurry?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. He hadn’t moved since I’d picked up the wrench. “Because, according to you, your legs are as stiff as my dick. I don’t even think that’s possible, by the way.”

            He smiled right before he laughed. Then he cradled my face in the palms of his hands. “ _Éternité_. That’s how long I’ll love you.”

            “Is that a promise?”

            His expression turned serious. He touched my chin with his thumb, skin to skin, soul to soul. “Yes. Now let’s get out of here, because we have an audience.” Glaring at the girls who hadn’t moved an inch from their positions on the sidewalk, he said, “As entertaining as it was earlier, now it’s just getting annoying. What are they hoping for?”

            “To get banged,” I suggested. “And to stare into your eyes while they’re getting banged.”

            Eren wrinkled his nose as though I presented him with a foul smelling piece of food that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with. “Let’s just finish up our business here, so we can leave.” He shoved open the passenger side door, letting in a torrent of warm air that caressed every part of my body that wasn’t already wrapped up in clothing. I could get used to weather like this.

            Stepping out onto the asphalt, I followed him to the back of the truck, where he heaved my duffel bag over the side. He rifled through it until he had what he wanted: our toothbrushes—wrapped in Ziploc plastic bags—a tube of travel sized toothpaste, and two bottles of water. He tossed the bag back with little to no care, and then handed me my share of the loot he procured. I shoved the stuff into my pockets for now, because I needed my hands free for what I wanted to do.

            I pulled down the tailgate of the truck, lifting his oxygen tank up onto it before I followed suit. I helped Eren up after that. Then we sat on the tailgate while we brushed our teeth, gazing out at the parking lot that was still mostly empty. There was a silver Honda Civic parked beside us, but I had a feeling that belonged to the girls that were still taking up residence near the restrooms. I wished they’d leave already. I could hear them giggling about something.

            Eren stretched his arms up over his head, handle of his red toothbrush sticking out of his mouth. He smiled and a bit of foamy toothpaste dribbled onto his bottom lip. “Ish shunny!” he yelled in triumph, words slurred.

            I poked his side. He smacked my hand away while smiling.

            I spat out a mouthful of toothpaste very un-gentlemanly like and said, “Let’s go get breakfast.”

            “You have toothpaste all around your mouth,” Eren pointed out.

            I nodded. “I’m very proud of it too.”

            “I can tell.” He unscrewed the cap of his water bottle and poured a little onto his fingers. He wiped at my face like I was a child, and then leaned back to see if he’d missed a spot (he hadn’t). He said, “There. It’s gone. Now rinse out your mouth.”

            “Yes, _Mom_.” I grabbed my own bottle of water and swished away any lingering toothpaste in my mouth. After I spit, I smiled wide at him, showing him my now clean teeth. He stuck his tongue out at me. “What do you want to eat? I could go for Belgian waffles. I’m also in dire need of coffee. It’s a miracle that I’m able to function properly right now.”

            He rinsed out his mouth before answering with, “You’re always in dire need of coffee, but I can eat waffles, if they have lots of strawberries on top.”

            “Okay.” I hopped off the tailgate.

            Eren handed me his oxygen tank before he jumped down, bare feet _smacking_ against the asphalt. The girls started giggling again, huddling together to talk to one another in hushed whispers. I shot them a look, annoyed, but that just made them giggle harder. I wondered what they were planning to do, since they hadn’t left yet. I stared at them. One was tall, blonde, and lanky. The other was a bit shorter with very red hair.

            I didn’t find them attractive whatsoever.

            “Thanks to you,” I said to Eren, who was dragging his oxygen tank around by his cannula (he had a habit of doing that), “I’m so gay I can’t even fathom straight sex.”

            He laughed rather loudly at that. “What made you think of that?”

            “Those girls over there.”

            Eren turned to inspect them, eyes narrowing slightly. “The blonde one is really pretty. I like her blue eyes.”

            I glared at him, digesting the information. I felt a pang of some emotion I couldn’t pinpoint. I mulled over it for a number of minutes before it finally dawned on me that I was jealous. I was jealous of some nameless blonde that was staring at Eren like he was a juicy piece of meat that she’d love to sink her teeth into. I made a noise in the back of my throat. It sounded like I was about to hawk up a loogie.

            “Her eyes are okay,” I said, my words curt and sharp sounding. God, I couldn’t believe I was actually jealous of some random girl at a rest area. “Let’s head out.”

            He scrutinized my expression, seeing something there that bothered him. “What’s wrong?”

            “Nothing. I just—I want coffee.” I was so lame.

            For one second, he looked clueless, lost, but then a smile crept onto his face, his eyes darting to the nameless blonde and then back to me. The smile grew, if that was even possible. “Levi Ackerman, are you jealous right now?”

            “No,” I said too fast, the word rushing out of me. “I’m not jealous, Eren Jaeger.”

            “I think you are.”

            “I think I’m not.” I folded my arms over my chest, defensive. I wouldn’t admit that I was jealous. That would make me sound pathetic, even if Eren was my first boyfriend and jealousy was a common emotion to deal with every now and again. Still, that didn’t make it any less embarrassing. “What I do think is that we should get in the truck and go get us some breakfast.”

            Placing his hands on my hips, Eren pressed my back against the side of the truck. Sunlight lit the stray away hairs on the top of his head to thin strands of gold. “I think it’s adorable, although completely unnecessary, that you’re jealous of that girl over there. She’s less than a speck of dust in my life, easily forgotten. You’re my entire world, even more beautiful than the ocean.” He kissed me then, deeply, his lips parting mine.

            I couldn’t bring myself to care about our audience made up of two, so I wound my arms around his neck, not minding, for once, that I was on my tippy-toes. We kissed and kissed until he pulled back to regain his breath. I bumped my forehead against his, staring into his eyes up close, which were a deep forest green under the shade made by our heads pressed together. I pushed my hand into his and steered him toward the passenger side door. I had enough of this rest area.

            When we climbed into the truck, I noticed that the girls were goggling at us, cheeks pink. Eren rolled down his window as I slid into the driver’s seat and said, “Yes, we’re gay. Thank you for staring.”

            The red-haired girl dropped her eyes, but the blonde called back, “I hope you two stay together forever.”

            He leaned out the window. “Forever isn’t long enough.”

            The girls squealed in unison, and then they were gone, turning into dabs of color in the rearview mirror as I drove out of the parking lot. When I turned onto the interstate some time later, Eren flicked on the radio. It felt like we were thousands and thousands of miles away from Shiganshina, from our problems and worries. I had no doubt that Grisha was still trying to get ahold of us, but that didn’t bother me as much as it should have. I wanted to get lost in today and forget about tomorrow.

            “I want to shower after we eat,” Eren said, “and then find a beach.”

            “I’ll find a hotel near the restaurant we eat at. You can look up a beach that’s nearby on your phone, can’t you? Or are you planning to keep it off until we’re on our way back?”

            He shrugged. “By now, my dad will be leaving me voicemails ranging from forced calmness to raging outbursts. I don’t want to hear them. All he’s thinking about right now is my stupid health. Once I’m back, safe and sound, he’ll understand why I did this. And if he forbids me to see you again for this crazy stunt we’re pulling, then come whisk me away.”

            “He’d forbid you to see me?” I suddenly had no appetite left.

            Eren scooted across the bench seat, pressing his leg to mine. “I doubt it. He knows that I would gladly climb out windows and sneak out in the dead of night to go and see you. He also knows that you would be more than willing to help me climb out those windows and sneak out in the dead of night.”

            I turned on my right signal light before I switched lanes. There wasn’t a lot of traffic out. “I’d probably be desperate enough to bulldoze your front door down. Maybe even be reduced to begging and pleading.”

            “I knew it,” he said, matter-of-fact. “You’re hopelessly addicted to my ass.”         

            “So you’ve finally figured it out. It took you long enough.”

            “I ignored all the warning signs, and now here we are. Do you think it’s too late for you?”

            I took one of my hands off the steering wheel to pat his thigh. “I’m afraid it is. There’s no hope for me. I need a daily dose of that ass to survive.”

            He nodded, pressing his lips together in an attempt to hold his laughter in. It spilled out of him in quick bursts anyway. After he settled down, he dropped his head onto my shoulder. “Hey, look.” He pointed to a sign up ahead. “There’s a Waffle House off the next exit.”

            “Looks like that’s where we’re going to be eating this morning,” I said. Even though we had a spare oxygen tank with us, I didn’t think it would be a good idea to stay out for another day. If we did, I needed to call his dad. Grisha struck me as the type that would call the police after twenty-four hours of his son missing in action. “I know you don’t want to, but I think you should call your dad tonight to let him know you’re okay.”

            Eren’s hand froze on the back of my neck. I waited for him to say something, but he stayed quiet. I kept on driving, maneuvering the truck off the interstate and down a busy main road that was bustling with cars. It took me a while to find the waffle house. It was hidden behind a gas station crawling with semi trucks. We were in a part of the city where passersby, such as ourselves, were a day-to-day occurrence—always coming and going.

            “Do you know what city we’re in?” asked Eren as I parked next to a white minivan that had _Star Wars_ family member stickers on the back windshield.

            “Quinta City. It’s about five hours away from Sina.”

            “Wow. I knew you drove for a while last night, but I didn’t think we got this far.” He suddenly jerked forward, peering at something ahead of us. “Oh my god. That’s a Starbucks.”

            I followed his gaze, and sure enough, there was a Starbucks coffeehouse right beside a Dunkin Donuts. We didn’t have one in Shiganshina, so I’d only ever been in one once or twice. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those Frappuccino drinkers?”

            “Um, yes,” he said, giving me a look over his shoulder, practically daring me to say something bad about those overly sweet drinks. “Don’t start with that ‘they’re too sweet’ business, because they’re delicious.”

            I slid the key out of the ignition, pocketing the keychain. “Why would I say they’re too sweet? I mean, they _are,_ but…”

            He smacked my arm. “Just get out of the truck, you black coffee drinker.”

            “Gonna make me?”

            His eyes narrowed, silently accepting the challenge. Before I knew what he was planning on doing, he put both his feet on my arm and shoved. The whole left side of my body slammed into the door. He kept on pushing me until I opened it up and hopped out. “I think I just made you,” he said as he stepped out next to me, a smug grin on his face. He grabbed both his oxygen tank and the steel cart it went into from the bench seat, and then we were walking up to the diner hand in hand.

            The inside of the diner smelt of cooking eggs, sausages, and brewing coffee. I inhaled the mingled scent of them while Eren spoke to the hostess—an older woman with graying brown hair—that greeted us. We stood there for a moment, waiting. Then a waitress came and showed us to a vacant booth that was right next to the side window. As we sat down opposite each other, she handed us each a menu, and left after taking note of what we wanted to drink.

            I slid across the cracked, green seat to get closer to the window. “What are you getting?” I asked as I picked up my menu from where it was lying on the table.

            “Waffles,” Eren said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Duh.”

            I eyed him over the top of the menu. “I meant on the side.”

            “Hmm. Hash browns and raisin toast.”

            “Raisin toast?” I asked in distaste.

            “Raisin toast,” he confirmed. “What about you? What are you getting, Mr. I-won’t-eat-anything-even-remotely-sweet.”

            “Eggs and _plain_ toast.” I emphasized the way I said plain, because raisin toast sounded absolutely disgusting.

            “If I didn’t love you…” He said this like I’d just chosen the worst food on the menu. Taking his cell phone out of his back pocket, he set it on the table and asked, “Are you ready?”

            I regarded the phone. “No.”

            “Neither am I, but I want to know where a beach is.” He turned on the phone. Within a few seconds, it was buzzing with unanswered messages, slowly skidding across the tabletop and making bits of spilt sugar jump up with the soft vibrations. He groaned, but didn’t pick it up until it had stopped. “So, I have approximately one hundred missed calls. I’m pretty sure my dad is in full panic mode. Probably imagining the worst, like I suddenly stopped breathing and no one was there to attend to me.”

            “You should at least text him, so he doesn’t think what you just said.”

            Eren huffed. “I’m not completely useless. I can manage just fine on my own. I don’t know why so many people think that just because I’m sick, that I am suddenly frail and incapable of anything.”

            “I don’t think that,” I told him.

            He sighed, his finger _tap, tap, tapping_ the screen of his phone. “I know.”

            After the waitress delivered our drinks and took our order, I went to sit next to him. I slid my fingers through his, bringing our hands onto my lap. “You’re the strongest person I’ve met, Eren. A lot of people would have let this disease you have control them by now, but you haven’t. You fight it every day.”

            Minutes ticked by in silence, with him staring at our hands. I slipped my free hand into my pocket and pulled out a pen I’d accidentally pocketed back at the motel inn in Sina. I wrote _strong_ on the top of his hand. Then I flipped it over, so that his palm was facing up, and wrote _beautiful._

            He clenched his hand into a fist, looking angry. I knew he wasn’t angry with me. “I just—” He stopped midsentence and looked out the window. All I could see was the profile of his face. “I want to be normal.”

            “You _are_ normal, and if you want to stay out for weeks, I’ll do that for you.”

            He smiled a small smile. “You’d risk going to jail for me?”

            “I think I’d risk just about anything for you.”

            Ever so carefully, as though he were trying not to disturb this moment, he turned to me and asked, “Do you think it would be okay to kiss you in a hick diner that screams homophobia?”

            I scooted closer to him. “I think I don’t give a fuck what anyone here thinks.”

            He kissed me, soft as a whisper. “I’ll live on through you. I exist in the beating of your heart.”

 

(x)

 

The beach we found was covered in people, but, surprisingly, the pier was empty, so that’s where we stood, peering down at the ocean.

            “So I’m more beautiful than this?” I asked. The waves lapped at the pillars below us, the sound of them filling my ears. The sky above us was painted a deep shade of orange with the setting sun, which was warm on my skin. I tilted my head back, smelling the crisp scent of the ocean breeze.

            _Perfect._

            Eren turned his head to look at me, the wind blowing his hair sideways. “To me, you’re the most beautiful thing in the world, Levi.”

            I blushed, but quickly tried to cover it up with a hurried, “You’re blind,” tumbling out of my mouth.

            He closed the distance between us and cupped my face, staring straight into my eyes as he said, “I don’t think I am.”

            I put my hands over his, the breeze kissing our faces. Standing here with him, I felt timeless, untouchable, like nothing could ever be sad again, like no one could ever be lost: right now, we were here, nothing could mar or steal the perfection or joy of this moment—not even time itself.

            I felt like if anyone could defy the rules of time, it would be us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two make me so incredibly happy, but also incredibly sad, which is why I love writing about them so much. I just want them to be happy for forever. I want to write hundreds of stories for them. I'm also rambling, as I tend to do when I'm energetic. 
> 
> So allow me to say thank you, once again, for reading, for commenting, for pushing that kudos button, and for sticking with me throughout this journey. <3


	21. Trapped in Our Hourglass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _How did we get so good at dismantling these hearts?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 5 in the morning and I haven't slept yet. Pfft. I do regret this, because I'm very tired. *insert tired emoji here*  
> Anyway, this chapter made me emotional, because this is how my current situation is. So, it sort of hit me hard. I hope it won't be too bad for you guys, though.  
> If you haven't noticed, I updated the number of chapters in this fic. Only 5 more left to go after this one and they are going to be hard. I hope you guys will stay with me throughout them all. :)

That day in Quinta City, standing on the pier of some overcrowded beach, would soon become our silver lining, a perfect day to look back on. In my present, Eren and I were beginning to fight the unavoidable darkness that came along with his lung disease.

            Eren had been in and out of the hospital for the past week, bringing home new medical equipment with each trip. Among these was a BiPAP Auto machine that helped him breath regularly throughout the night. It wasn’t a big machine. It was easily stored on top of his bedside table, ready for use whenever he needed it next. He claimed it wasn’t a big deal, just something that would put his dad at ease, but I knew the truth: He needed it. It wasn’t an option.

            On this Sunday afternoon, I sat on the floor next to his bed, a mess of origami paper in front of me. I was attempting to lose myself in the complex world of arts and crafts, which wasn’t my forte whatsoever. It had taken me a while to get the hang of folding paper cranes. The ones that I’d managed to fold somewhat decently now hung from the ceiling of his bedroom. Eren had been proud of my progress, so he pinned them up with a smile that made me want to master the technique.

            As I worked, rain drummed on the rooftop, loud enough to drown out the soft hissing sound of the BiPAP machine whenever Eren took a breath. He’d been napping for the past hour; drowsy from the medication he had taken earlier. He always felt bad for sleeping when I was here, wide awake, but I kept assuring him that I was fine just being here with him. The truth was this: I was afraid whenever I wasn’t with him, always worrying and wondering if he was okay. I felt like the thread I’d held on to so tightly was finally slipping through my fingers, becoming too fine to hold.

            Time ticked by, soundless, but undoubtedly there—an invisible enemy that neither of us could fight. I tried not to think about it as I put the finishing touches to the crane I’d been folding for the past fifteen minutes. Using the tip of my forefinger, I carefully bent the top half, creating the curve of its beak. When I was through with that, I placed the crane on the center of my palm. All I had to do was close my hand and I would crush its paper wings.

            When would the hand of time crush Eren’s wings? 

            “That looks nice,” Eren said sleepily.

            I turned my head to look at him. He was lying on his side, face hidden behind the mask strapped to his head. “How long have you been awake?”

            “Not that long. Now you should come over here. You look warm.”

            I stood up and set the paper crane down beside his BiPAP machine on the bedside table. It looked trapped and lonely there, eager to fly on wings forever outstretched toward the sky. “It’s a little after one,” I said, still staring at the crane. “Want to try to eat something?”

            “Maybe later. Come here already.” He tugged me down next to him, impatient. “Why are you wearing your shoes?”

            “Some people do that. You didn’t know?” I slipped off my shoes before I climbed into bed next to him. His hands were immediately under my shirt, mapping out the skin of my abdomen. “You touch me like you’ve never touched me before.”

            “I could touch you a million times and still ache to touch you once more,” he said, undoing the bottom strap of his mask. Soon, his mouth was free and he kissed the underside of my chin. “Make love to me on this rainy day.”

            “Your dad will be home from work soon. It’s a miracle that he’s even allowing me to be here after we were gone for two days without calling him. I don’t want to push my luck.”

            Eren pulled me on top of him. He kissed me until we were both breathless. “That’s old news,” he told me, tugging my shirt up and over my head. “That happened two weeks ago. Will you cooperate already?”

            “You’re so pushy.” I didn’t mind.

            “Yes. Now take off your pants. They’re giving me trouble.”

            We made love carefully, slowly, tucked under the thick blue duvet that swallowed up any noises we made. When Eren came, it was so sudden and intense, that I followed straight after. Then we lay wrapped up in each other’s arms, legs tangled together under the sheets.

            Eren pushed the hair on my forehead back, applying lazy kisses to the skin there. He looked half-asleep again, but I wanted him to eat something. Over the past week, he’d hardly eaten a thing, his appetite diminishing with the medication he was now on. It worried me. It also worried his dad enough for him to dedicate his early evenings cooking extravagant foods in hopes of coaxing Eren to indulge in some, but it hardly worked.

            “Want some soup?” I asked, rubbing his shoulder blades. He’d already lost a bit of weight.

            “How about we never leave this bed again, hmm? Let’s make love more or less continuously, and only get up to bring in supplies, like water and fresh fruit to prevent scurvy.”

            I grabbed his hand and kissed his palm. “I think soup sounds really good right now.”

            He sighed. “For you, I will try to eat some soup.”

            After we cleaned up, I helped him into another pair of clothes. He was tired again, eyes falling closed for several minutes before they opened up, brilliantly green in the dull room. I pushed his wheelchair up to the side of the bed and helped him into it. Once he was settled in, wrapped up in the gray hoodie I’d brought over, I put on his cannula. He breathed easier almost right away.

            As I pushed him down the hallway that led to the kitchen, he said, “I’m sorry you have to take care of me like some old man.”

            I didn’t respond to that until he was parked in front of the dining table. Then I asked, “If our roles were switched, and I were the one in that wheelchair, would you mind taking care of me?”

            That seemed to wake him up a bit. He shook his head. “Of course not.”

            “Exactly,” I said. “I don’t mind being here for you, Eren. I love you more than I could ever explain.”

            That quieted him down. So he sat there and watched me cook him up a really late lunch. I ended up making some homemade cream of chicken soup, which was his favorite. As it was cooling on the counter, I noticed that he had dozed off, his head drooping forward. I stared at him like that for a while, feeling tears prick at my eyes, but I wouldn’t let them fall, not now. I _would_ stay strong for him throughout this all. That’s what he needed of me.

            I walked over to his wheelchair and leaned down to peck his cheek. “Hey, sleepy head,” I said, smoothing out his unruly hair. I ran my fingers through the mess until they caught on a tangle. Then I just stared at him, my heart aching. “Lunch is done.”

            His eyes opened slowly, as if it took a lot of effort to will his body out of slumber. He blinked several times, coming back from whatever dream he was having, and then he snaked his arms around my neck. I allowed myself to be held for a couple minutes, inhaling the minty scent of his shampoo that I committed to memory, before I pulled back to go grab his bowl of soup. When I set it down in front of him on the table, he asked, “Will you bring me my sketchbook and charcoal pencil?”

            “Will you try to eat some of that?” I was not against begging, at this point.

            “Yes.”

            “Okay, I’ll be back,” I said, satisfied with his answer.

            I strode to his bedroom. In the dim afternoon light, it looked cave-like and lonely, a dark planet spinning out of orbit. I pushed that thought aside and went in search of his sketchbook. I found it buried beneath a pile of paperbacks with foreign titles that were stacked by his bed. I set them aside—they nearly toppled over—and picked up the book I was here for. Tucking it under my arm, I scoured his desk for the charcoal pencil I’d seen him use several times before. I was about to give up when I spotted it partially hidden beneath a wadded up piece of paper. Now that I had what I needed, I went back out to the kitchen.

            I found Eren sipping on his soup like it might bite back. “It’s good,” he said with a thick side of enthusiasm when he saw me staring. His complexion was a bit greenish now. “Hey.” I looked up at him, pretending that this didn’t matter, that this didn’t hurt. “I love you. Thank you for being here with me, even when I’m a mess right now.”

            I deflated.

            “You’re not a mess,” I told him, putting his stuff down on the table before I climbed onto his lap. He wasn’t experiencing any of this by choice. From the moment he was diagnosed with IPF, he was strapped down to this disease whether he liked it or not. It was, and always had been, out of his control.

            “I am a mess, Levi,” he persisted, burying his face in my neck. “But you still love me in spite of that. That’s why I’m able to handle this right now. Without you, I would be even more of a mess. I’d probably never get out of bed. I’d sleep until sleep became me.”

            “But I am here for you, and I always will be.”

            He pressed his forehead to my shoulder. “I don’t want to fall back asleep. Do you think you could make me some coffee?”

            “Will you eat some more soup first?” I asked. “You’re going to feel jittery if you drink coffee on an empty stomach.”

            “I’ll try to eat a little more.”

            After I got off his lap, I shuffled over to the counter to make him some coffee using the French press his dad bought him a few days ago. While I was scooping some grains into it, he told me to make it strong enough to fuel rockets that would travel into outer space. I didn’t make it anywhere near that strong, seeing as he was only eating soup, but I added plenty of sugar and milk (the way he liked it—gross) in hopes that he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

            “Here,” I said, placing the white mug down in front of him. Steam curled up from the top, clearly visible in the faint kitchen light.

            “That smells good.” He picked up the mug and blew into it, the brown liquid rippling with the artificial wind his breaths created. He took a careful sip, eyes closing. “Mm. I could live off this stuff. Hook it up to an IV and let it drip right into my veins.”

            I considered this for a moment. “I think I’ll join you in that plan.”

            “I knew you would, _mon amour_.”

            True to his word, Eren ate more of the soup, though he could only finish half before he started nagging at me with every bite. That was better than nothing, so when he asked me to wheel him out into the living room so he could draw, I did. I turned on the TV to some crappy made-for-television movie and then transferred him over to the couch. He quickly opened up his sketchbook on the arm of the couch, flipping through it until he found a blank page for him to put pencil to paper. I sat down next to him, pretending to be absorbed in the movie that had the worst actors on planet Earth.

            I felt like Eren and I were living under water, trying to breathe in this alien substance that neither of us could get used to. Everything else—my job, the people of this town—felt pretend. They felt incredibly far away from me, bleeding colors that I couldn’t reach while I was here. I wanted to pull Eren away from this dark place that offered us nothing but pain, and into the sunlit sky of our past. But no matter how hard I tried to do that, we remained stuck.

            I scooted closer to him, dropping my head onto his shoulder. I selfishly wanted him to pay attention to me, to notice that I was here, bereft. “What are you drawing?” I asked.

            “A swirl of stars,” he responded.

            “The sky?”

            “A galaxy,” he corrected. “Look.”

            It was a drawing of my face, my hair windblown, and my eyes sparkling with stars. It was a silent confirmation that even when he was lost in his own little world, he was thinking of me. I kissed his cheek. “A Levi galaxy?”

            He looked at me, and then dropped his eyes to his drawing. “It’s a lot more complicated than that,” he said, turning the page. He applied pencil to paper once again and I watched intently as he created a swirling galaxy made up of tiny stars, dust, and dark matter created by charcoal. Then, around that, he drew a heart—an actual heart with delicate veins that embraced the mass of stars. “A galaxy like this.”

            “A galaxy held in your heart,” I said.

            “More like a galaxy that makes up my heart.” He yawned and in a very Eren-like way, pushed his sketchbook onto the floor, done with it for now.

            We turned our attention to the TV screen. As he nodded off into another dream that awaited him in the maze of his mind, I thought about how I was going to rebuild my life once he was gone. It felt like an impossible task, something that I wouldn’t be able to accomplish. I would always go back to him, even when there was no him to go back to. I didn’t want to move on, to plow forward and leave him behind. I didn’t want to breathe without him.

            I knew that I would, though. I’d stumble forward through my life, with him forever preserved in my memories—never aging.

            When he was heavy with sleep, I turned off the TV and padded down the hall into his room. I changed the sheets on his bed and grabbed the duvet before heading back out to the living room. I stopped, listened, but Eren’s breathing wasn’t irregular enough to consider bringing out the BiPAP machine. I sat down next to him once more, throwing the thick blanket over top of us. I took his hand in mine. It was cold. “I love you,” I told him while he slept.

            I moved closer to his sleeping form, lending him my warmth. Then I sat there, listening to his breathing, the evident sign that he was still here with me. I stayed like that until I heard the front door open.

            A while later, Grisha walked into the living room. “I brought guests.” He gestured behind him, where Jean and Petra were standing, waiting for me to say something. I hadn’t seen much of them in the past week. Petra looked close to tears. Jean was eyeing me in a strange way that made me think that I meant more to him than I realized.

            “Hey,” I said at last.

            They descended on me after that, careful not to disturb Eren.

            “I brought ingredients,” was the first thing Petra said to me. She hugged me for a long time, like I had risen from the dead. I wondered how distant I’d been to earn this reaction from her. “I wanted to make an almond-chocolate torte for Eren. He told me once that he wanted to try it, so I thought I’d make it for him. Is that okay?”

            I squeezed her hand, feeling awkward. I was never good with showing emotion, and right now I was having a hard time forming words. I’d missed them. “It’s fine,” I told her.

            Jean finally spoke up, looking just as awkward as I felt. “I took your shift today. I asked Coach if it’d be all right to clock in under your name. He said it was okay, so you don’t have to worry about missing hours.”

            “Jean,” I started.

            He waved me off before I could finish. “I wanted to do it, okay? I mean, it’s the least I could do for you right now.” He looked at Eren, who was tucked under my arm like a small child—my life clinging onto me. “How is he doing?”

            “He’s…” I couldn’t find the right words to explain it. Eren was fighting, working hard to push through this day in and day out. He never took anything for granted, each day he was given, each day I was here with him… He savored all of it, the sweetest of nectars, the nectar of life. “He’s trying.”

            I expected Jean to look at me like he didn’t understand, but he nodded knowingly.

            “How about we move him to his bed? It doesn’t look like he’ll be waking up anytime soon,” Grisha said, speaking up for the first time since he walked into the living room. I nodded, and with his help, we moved Eren into his room. When he was settled in his bed, mask and BiPAP machine on, Grisha told me, “Thank you for being here with him throughout this, Levi. I know it means the world to him. I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed in you when you two decided to up and disappear in Sina, but now I understand his rash decision.” He regarded his son, touching his hand thoughtfully. “Eren must’ve felt this coming on. He wanted that time away with you, and I’m grateful that you gave it to him.”

            I swallowed, but the lump in my throat remained, lodged in my windpipe, choking me. I cleared my throat several times. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

            Grisha smiled. It was a sad smile that almost everyone gave me nowadays. “I’ll take over from here. Go be with your friends. They want to spend time with you, and if Eren wakes up, I’ll come and get you.”

            “Okay,” I said.

            I found Jean and Petra in the kitchen, where they were setting everything up to make almond-chocolate torte. Wordlessly, I joined them, and soon I was dumping slivered almonds and sugar into a food processor. None of us spoke for a long time, working in comfortable silence. My mind was consumed with thoughts as I waited for the almonds to fine, but then Jean dipped his finger in the sugary chocolate mix and brought it to his mouth. That snapped me into the present.

            “You better not double dip,” I warned. “I don’t want a side of your saliva.”

            He regarded me with a wide smile, messily sucking at his finger to annoy me. “It’s going to be baked.”

            “Not even three hundred fifty degrees of scorching heat can kill your germs,” I said, which made him laugh. I turned to Petra. “You kiss that on a regular basis.”

            Petra grinned as she continued to beat egg yolks into submission. “I do.” She tilted her head back expectantly. Jean leaned over her and kissed her _Spider-Man_ style.

            I smiled at them, even when I was envious of their time together, even when I was silently praying for another day with Eren that would never be enough.

            A good forty-five minutes later, the torte was in the oven baking. Petra made me a cup of coffee after I washed up, and it tasted incredible in comparison to mine. I went out on the front porch to drink it. As usual, it was cold out, the wind nipping and biting at my exposed skin. I regarded the houses in front of me as I sipped on my drink. There was frost clinging to the windows, and I knew that summer was coming to a close. Winter was on its way.

            I didn’t notice I was crying until Jean came out and stared at me with a look of forlorn. I wiped at my cheeks with the sleeve of my shirt, but after a while, it was evident that I wasn’t going to stop crying, so I gave up. For a few minutes, we stood there like that. Then Jean stepped up to me, took the mug out of my hand, and set it down at our feet before he gathered me up in his arms. I let myself cry against him, let myself feel it all, because once I went back in there, I needed to be strong.

            “Was it worth it?” Jean asked.

            I didn’t understand. “What?”

            He pulled back. “Was it worth staying here in Shiganshina? Right now, you could’ve been hundreds of miles away from here. So, was it worth it?”

            Was it worth it?

            I could’ve left this town long before I got involved with Eren. I wouldn’t have felt the way I’m feeling now. I wouldn’t know this pain, but…

            I thought of Eren’s smile, the way it lit up an entire room. I thought of his lips on mine, and the way he said my name, like it was something rare and special. I thought about all the time I’d spent with him over these last few months, hours of getting lost in each other, becoming one. He was beautiful in every way, a constellation I’d spotted in the vast sky that I couldn’t get enough of.

            I loved everything about him.

            So, had it been worth staying here in this town I’d hated?

            “Yes,” I said. “It was worth it.”

            Jean nodded like he already knew my answer. “He’s awake and asking for you.” Before I could rush inside, which I was about to do, he added, “We’re here for you, Levi. You know that. You’re never alone.”

            I hugged him. “I know.” But I alone would feel this immense loss that was hovering above me like a jagged knife.

            Back inside, I made my way into Eren’s room. He was sitting up in bed with a book lying open in his lap. I unceremoniously threw myself onto the bed at his feet. He laughed and kicked at me very softly.

            “Hey,” he said.

            “Hey,” I said back.

            “Come up here.”

            I crawled up to him and dropped my head into his lap. He ran his fingers through my hair several times. I was half asleep when he said, “I want to break the law.”

            I was now wide-awake. I looked up at him. “Break the law?”

            “Yes. There’s a welcome road sign right when you enter Shiganshina. I want to paint something on it. Tell me you’ll help me, or I’ll have to go about this alone.”

            “So you’ll do it with or without me?” I asked. He nodded. “There’s no talking you out of this?” He shook his head. “Count me in, then.”

            He leaned down and kissed me. I cupped his face when he pulled away, just looking at him.

            _I love you. I love you so much._

_Please, God, if you can hear me, please don’t take him away. Not yet…_

“What do you want to draw on this sign?” I asked, because I needed to talk to distract myself from my thoughts.

            Eren tilted his head to the side. “Hmm. It’s a secret.”

            “Well, when do you want to do this secret drawing?”

            “Tonight,” he said.

            “That gives me about four hours to devise a plan that may or may not work.”

            He slid his hand down the front of my shirt, lightly scratching my skin. “I trust you.” He wiggled his legs out from underneath me so he could roll on top of me without any finesse. “Something smells good. What is it?”

            “Almond-chocolate torte. Petra made it for you.”

            He kissed my neck. “Mm.”

            “You and your libido are going to kill me,” I told him, matter-of-fact.

            With a chuckle, he sucked on my collarbone. I shivered. “I have a feeling you can handle me and my libido just fine.”

 

(x)

 

It was freezing out. I’d made Eren put on a jacket over his thick wool sweater, but I still worried as I watched him walk up to the road sign. It was about one in the morning and we snuck out of his house over an hour ago. Somewhere, Jean and Petra hid: our lookouts. I couldn’t believe that Eren had talked me into this. If we got caught, I was sure Sheriff Flagon wouldn’t let me off the hook. He was an asshole like that.

            “I can’t see anything,” Eren hissed over his shoulder.

            All I could see was the glint of his oxygen cart. I jogged to catch up to him. “I’ll turn on the flashlight once you’re ready to start. How long do you think this painting will take? Sheriff Flagon drives out here every hour on the hour.”

            Eren turned to me. He felt around in the dark until he located my hand. He brought it up to his mouth and bit softly on my finger. “It will take no time at all. Now, turn on that flashlight. If we get caught, I will weep and intricate a glorious sob story that will break every heart in America, including Sheriff Flagon’s.”

            I turned on the flashlight and directed the beam of light toward the welcome road sign. Eren dug around in his pocket, producing various tubes of paint, a paintbrush, and a small bottle of water that he somehow managed to stuff in there. He set everything down at his feet, considered the sign, and then got to work. I stood back and kept the light trained on the sign so he could see what he was doing on this dark night.

            Out here, near the road, I could hear nothing but the paintbrush swiping against the wooden sign. The sky was lit with countless stars, the wind was harsh on my cheeks, but I reveled in it. These were moments that I knew I would remember, no matter how much time passed. They were promises, pressed to my skin in a kiss that would linger. I’d never be able to forget them.

            “You guys better be prepared to explain my sudden death,” Jean said, walking up to me. Eren ignored him.

            “You’re supposed to be keeping watch,” I retorted.

            “Fuck Sheriff Flagon. If he shows up, I’ll offer him my balls, because they froze twenty minutes ago. You hear that, Eren? I sacrificed my balls for this. I will never have children.”

            Eren laughed, which made me smile. “I think I did the world a favor, don’t you think?”

            Jean snorted. “Please, baby. This world needs more of me. I need to reproduce by the dozen. My offspring will bless every soul they come into contact with.”

            “I have no doubt,” Eren said. He stepped back from the sign. “It’s done. What do you think?”

            I looked at the sign. He’d painted a delicate hourglass, but instead of dry grains of sand in it, there was a swarm of stars that shone in numerous shades of orange and yellow, like sunlight. Amidst these stars were two hands clasped tightly together, holding onto one another with all their might. Yet the stars didn't move. They were motionless, frozen. In the painting, time had stopped and ceased to exist. But the hands were trapped in the hourglass nonetheless.

            “‘Time heals all,’ they say,” Eren said. He looked at me. “I don’t believe it.”

            I told him, “Neither do I. I’d rather time resets.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I want to say is emotionally prepare yourselves for the upcoming chapters, but also, keep hope throughout them. I've always said that, since the beginning, so I hope you guys will follow that advice. 
> 
> The other day someone asked me what I would write about if I were to write another fanfic, since this will be the last one I'm writing. I don't really know. I always have a lot of ideas floating around in my head, but I don't overly think about one of them, otherwise I get the urge to write it. Although I won't be writing another multi-chaptered fic, I will be posting some short stories I've been working on for what feels like forever.
> 
> I'm totally getting off topic. So, thank you for reading and commenting. <3


	22. Falling Away With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Promise to hold you close and pray_   
>  _Watching the fantasies decay_   
>  _Nothing will ever stay the same_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I could post the remaining chapters all at once, I would. This waiting to be finished with this fic is gnawing at me. I can't explain it. It's making me feel restless, which is odd, because I've never felt this way about my other fics. I think it's because Chasing Summer holds so much of me.
> 
> With that complex thought that I left you with, go on and read. :)

Day after day passed in a world turning black. I often dreamt of Eren walking in front of me in a dense forest, beautiful and belonging, breathing in the damp air without any help from his oxygen tank. He glided through the underbrush without any trouble at all, leaving me behind to chase after him. He seemed unaware of this, too absorbed in his surroundings to look back and see that I was falling behind. Although I tried to catch up to him, my efforts proved futile. I was left alone to watch his back recede into nothingness. I cried out for him to come back, my voice loud in the growing silence, but he was already gone.

 

(x)

 

Another day was met with Eren refusing to eat. These days, he didn’t even bother feigning interest in whatever was made for him. He simply let the food sit untouched on the dining table until Grisha gave up and wheeled him back into the safety of his room. All he wanted was to be left alone, to sleep away the long hours of the day, or to draw out his madness on the back patio. No poems flowed from his mouth to comfort me. There were no more beautiful words that could distract him from the disease that had distorted his outlook on the world. All he saw now was the inevitable end that loomed before him.

            After I ate breakfast with Grisha in awkward silence—he had cooked poached eggs, of all things—I made my way into Eren’s room. He was nothing more than a curled up lump under his beige comforter. I walked up to the side of the bed and looked down at the top of his head, which was the only thing visible. I wanted to be with him, but even though he was right here in front of me, it felt like he was a million miles away. I couldn’t reach him when he locked himself away in the dark recesses of his mind, no matter how hard I tried to.

            Carefully, I pulled back the comforter and crawled into bed with him. I wrapped his arm around my waist and thrust my head under his chin as I pulled our bodies together. Eren grunted, but didn’t say anything in disapproval, so I stayed like that. I could feel his ribs through his T-shirt, but just beyond that, I could feel his heart beating—my hope in rhythmic thumps.

            _I’m right here, Eren._

            “ _‘She followed slowly,’_ ” I began, closing my eyes to remember the poem correctly, _“‘as though there were some obstacle in the way; and yet: as though, once it was overcome, she would be beyond all walking, and would fly.’_ ” I opened my eyes to see that Eren was looking at me, really looking at me. There were deep, bruise-like circles under his eyes that stood out against his pale complexion. I ran my thumb over them, wanting to erase the marred skin with that simple touch.

            “Explain why you quoted that part.” His voice was rough from disuse, but I loved it nonetheless. I had missed the sound of it.

            “I feel like that explains my situation,” I said. “I am following you, but I will be left behind. You’ll leave this Earth before me, but in the end, I will catch up. It will just take me a while.”

            He cupped my face, fingers cold and dry against my skin. For a long stretch of time, he didn’t say anything. Then, in a voice that sounded nothing like his own, he whispered, “I’m so tired, Levi.”

            “I know.”

            “I don’t want to think about it anymore. It feels like I’m just waiting for the end now. I…” He swallowed. “It’s almost impossible to live this way.”

            I moved closer to him. “Tell me what I can do to help. I’ll do anything.”

            “Take me away from here. This room, this _house_ , it feels tainted somehow, like it has heard all my sorrow and is harboring it for later use. God, I don’t want to be here. I want to go to our home, the one that we created for ourselves. Take me there.” He pressed his lips to mine. His breath tasted of medicine. “Please.”

            Tilting my head back, I studied his face in the foggy morning light. Even in this state, he was beautiful, unrivaled. I hadn’t been lying when I told him that I would do anything to help him. If taking him away from this house would grant him some peace of mind, then I would do that. I knew that Grisha wouldn’t approve of us going anywhere, but he was at work right now. He could chew me out for this later. Here, now, I lived for Eren.

            “Okay,” I said.

            Eren smiled the smile that I had fallen in love with all those months ago. Then he lifted the collar of his shirt to his nose as an afterthought. “Ugh, gross. I smell like a sick person. Get me to the bathroom at once. I must shower.”

            Hesitantly, not wanting to ruin the moment, I asked, “Can you stand long enough to shower?”

            His eyes locked onto mine, and they held the spark that had been absent for weeks now. At the sight of it, my heart pounded faster in my chest, the pending hope of happiness fluttering to the surface. “Uh, no. I expect you to hold me up. I thought that was obvious. Help me out of this bed already. I feel grimy. I don’t even know how you can stand being by me right now.”

            Getting out of bed, I pulled him up into a sitting position. At this angle, the weight he’d lost was unmistakable. His shirt hung loose on his slender frame and his eyes looked big in his thin face, but he was smiling, so I smiled back. Today, I would be the anchor that kept him from drifting back into the blackness that pulled at him like restless energy. I would keep him as far away from it as possible, because today, I wouldn’t let it win.

            I held up my finger, signaling for him to wait a moment, before I went over to where his wheelchair had sat by his dresser, abandoned, for the last few days. I snatched the handgrips and pushed it up to the side of the bed while Eren undid the straps of the BiPAP mask. When it was off, he tossed it aside like it had annoyed him for the last time. Then he leaned over the side of the bed to pick up his cannula from somewhere off the floor.

            As his eyes found mine, they softened. “Do you regret it yet?”

            “Regret what?” I didn’t understand what he was asking.

            “You said you’d let me break your heart, that you’d willingly let me ruin you for any other. Do you regret saying that yet?”

            I thought back to the night that I’d told him that. It felt so long ago, a vivacious memory of a boy I was barely falling in love with, but those words still rang true. “I don’t regret it,” I said. “I told you that I wouldn’t mind getting destroyed by you, Eren. I meant that.” _Even when it hurts like hell,_ I thought.

            Eren held out his arms to me and I leaned into his embrace, sagging against him. He turned his head and buried his face in the crook of my neck. “I’m so aware of destroying you, that in turn, it’s destroying me too. For the last couple of nights, I’ve been having this dream where you’re standing on a beach holding someone so tightly, that it’s obvious that you love them. I know that one day you will find love again. I just hope that whoever you pick next will actually be worthy of it.”  

            “You’re worthy of it,” I whispered.

            He shook his head. “No. I’m hurting you so much. I wish I could strip away the pain that I’ve caused you—that I will cause you—but I can’t do that. Just…promise me that you won’t shut yourself off. Let Petra and Jean be there for you. Don’t let what’s going to happen to me claim your life. Don’t let it eat you up.”

            “Eren?”

            “Yes?” He leaned back and regarded me with eyes that saw straight through me.

            I took his face in my hands. I knew that I would always be waiting to catch up to him. My life after he was gone would constantly be weighed down by his absence. No one would ever be able to replace him, not now, or years down the road, because he was the only person that I’d given myself to completely. But I knew that if I told him this, it would hurt him, so I swallowed down the truth and said, “I promise.”

            _Can’t you see that it will be impossible to love someone else the way that I love you?_

Eren wrapped his arms around my neck and pressed the side of his face to mine. He sounded like he was in pain when he spoke again. “Liar. I can read you like a book, Levi Ackerman. You can’t hide what you’re feeling from me.” In a strained voice, he added, “You have to know that if I could stay, if I could live, I would. I am envious of those that will get to be in your life long enough to watch you grow old. These last few months that I’ve been with you aren’t nearly enough, will never be enough. I want to be with you for years to come, but we both know how unfair life can be.”

            It wasn’t only unfair. It was cruel, a shock of poison coursing through one’s veins.

            “Yeah, I know,” I said, dejected. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Today was supposed to be spent away from the truth, the sadness. Why did it insist on drowning us? “But if you want to get out of here, then we’re going to have to do it soon. Your dad was saying something about coming home to check up on you on his lunch break.”

            Eren _flung_ his head back and fixed me with a stare that could kill the tiniest of ants. “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier? We’re wasting time moping around.” He thumped my shoulder with his hand. “Get me in the shower _immediately_!”

            “Okay!” I yelled back, smiling.

            “Onward, my good steed!”

            Now it was my turn to fix him with a stare. I tried very hard not to laugh and somehow managed to succeed at stifling it. “Steed? Do I look like Jean to you?”

            Eren laughed and tipped his head forward in a dramatic gesture to look me in the eye. “Do you think he’s ready for me yet?” He raised both eyebrows, finding humor in whatever expression I’d made.

            “I will…” I couldn’t think of how to finish, so I slapped his ass instead (always a pleasant distraction). That just made him laugh harder, which he kept up even after I wiggled my way into a standing position. With him in my arms, I walked to the bathroom down the hall, dragging his oxygen tank behind us. His bad habits were rubbing off on me.

            I set him down on the sink and he kissed me softly as I did so. I ignored the fleeting taste of medicine, because it had been awhile since he’d last touched me this way. When he leaned his head back against the mirror, the rings around his eyes became more pronounced, but he was still my Eren, beautiful and elusive. For a brief moment, I soaked in the sight of him, and then I ducked down to turn on the tap. While we waited for the water to warm, he casually began to undress. His ribs were very noticeable, as was his hipbones and shoulder blades.

            “I look ghastly,” he said as he examined himself in the mirror.

            “I think you look beautiful.” 

            His reflection smiled at me. “Let’s go rob a bank.”

            “We’ll only get five hundred dollars from the bank here in Shiganshina. Maybe even less than that. Is the risk of getting arrested worth it?”

            “Depends.”

            “On?”

            He turned to face me. “Will five hundred dollars buy us wedding rings? I mean, I’d make a terrible husband. Don’t get me wrong. For one, I can’t cook to save my life, and cleaning is downright impossible for me. But I can draw you pretty things. That’s enough, right?” His eyes widened as though he remembered something else. “Oh, and I’m more than willing to have sex with you at any given moment.”

            “Well, that makes up for the rest,” I said in exaggeration, yanking the collar of my shirt over my head. “We’ll be the youngest married couple in this town and that’s saying something.” I stepped between his legs and he knocked his knees against my sides. He was so thin now. It was hard to ignore. “You ready?”

            He threw himself at me by way of reply. Then he said, into my neck, “Marry me, Levi.”

            There was something about the way he said it that made me think he was serious. Although it had been weeks since we’d tied those red strings around each other’s fingers, he kept replacing it, having me fetch another string whenever the last one was too beaten to continue to wear. Even on his darkest days, he would stare at the string around his ring finger as though it was significant, which I knew it was. It was a future that neither of us could have, but that both of us wanted.

            “Eren…” I didn’t know what to tell him. We were too young to go out and get married. Even if we wanted to, his dad would need to be there since he was underage. What did he want me to do? I needed him to tell me what to do.

            “I know we can’t really get married,” he said at last. “I know that, but marriage is just a contract, an agreement on paper. That’s stupid. I want something more than that. I want you to keep something of mine, always. So, years from now, people will know that, once, you were mine and I was yours.”

            I leaned my forehead against his. This close, his eyes were a complex sea of green, yellow, and brown. “If you want me to buy us wedding rings, I will.”

            “Is that what you want too?”

            I put my hand on his chest, comforted by the thudding of his heart just beneath my fingertips. “I don’t need anything material to remember that I once was yours, because I’ll always be yours, but if that’s what you want, then I’m not against it.”

            “Just this one thing,” he said in the smallest of voices, like it meant more to him than he was letting on.

            “I’d give you anything,” I replied simply, unwrapping the cannula from the backs of his ears. I set it down on the sink. Then I pulled him up into my arms. He felt like a child in my arms, fragile and trusting.

            When both of us were under the spray of water, which was just warm enough to not be considered cold, I plucked the shampoo bottle out of the shower caddy and squirted some onto my palm. I began to work it into Eren’s hair. His eyes slid closed in response. Under the yellow light of the bathroom, he looked every bit as sick as he was. It scared me more than anything else, how this disease could take so much from him in such a short amount of time.  

            In two weeks, what would he look like?

            “Can I be honest with you?” Eren asked, leaning his head down on my shoulder as I rinsed off my hands.

            “Is there any reason for you not to be?” I grabbed his loofah and ran the bar of soap over it a couple of times until it was sudsy. The soap smelt of grapefruit and lemongrass, strong and pleasant.

            “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “You always try to act strong, like you can handle everything that’s going on, but I know that you’re not okay. I don’t want to make this worse for you.”

            I rubbed the loofah in circles down his back, not ready to hear what he wanted to tell me. “I want you to be able to confide in me.”

            Eren sighed. “It has been really hard to breathe this last week. Even with my cannula in, it’s a struggle. It feels like my lungs are finally giving out on me, and I don’t think—I don’t think I’m capable of continuing like this for much longer. I know you know that. I know my dad knows that.”

            I couldn’t think up a response to that. I knew that he wasn’t doing well. I _knew_ that. It was painfully obvious by now that he was getting worse instead of better. Yet there was a part of me that hoped, no, _longed_ for him to bounce back from this. Against all reason, I’d hoped that one day I would wake up and he would be the Eren that took photos of me on the beach. But that wasn’t going to happen. That’s not how IPF worked. “When I watched Romeo and Juliet,” I said, burying my face in his wet hair, “I thought Juliet was incredibly stupid for killing herself once she discovered that Romeo was dead.”

            “And now?” Eren asked.

            “Now, it doesn’t seem so stupid.”

            “It is, though. Don’t even think it.”

            “I won’t do that. I’ll just become an old man with sixty cats. I’ll smell terrible. I’ll sit on my front porch and yell at any and all people who trespass onto my lawn.”

            He laughed. “You’ll hit kids with your walking stick.”

            “Yeah,” I agreed. “I’ll thwack them right over the head with it. That should teach them to come onto my lawn. I didn’t mow it for them to fucking ruin it with their pesky little feet.”

            Eren laughed again. It sounded wheezy. Almost like someone had taken a steel sponge to his throat and scrubbed it raw. “I think I would even love that Levi, as grumpy as he’d be.”

            “A Levi that would throw his false teeth at small children?” I imagined this and chuckled. Could people really be that awful? I knew they could be.

            “Mhm.” He nodded. Then said, “Do you think we could get out of here? My chest hurts a little from breathing in the steam.”

            I made sure he was steady on his feet before I turned around and shut off the water. I could tell that standing for an extended period of time had worn him out. His breathing was coming fast, uneven and broken. I didn’t know how I hadn't notice it before. When he stepped out of the tub, I quickly wrapped a towel around his shoulders and lifted him up onto the sink. He instantly slumped back against the mirror. I snatched up his cannula and put it into place. As he told me earlier, even with it on, his breathing was still harsh. He wasn’t getting enough oxygen.

            “How do you feel?” I asked after a few minutes.

            Eren opened one eye to gaze at me. “I feel fantastic. You’re naked and dripping wet. Please make me a calendar of this. I want you in a different pose for every month of the year. You better dress for the occasion too.”

            I scowled and gave his thigh a soft smack. “I’m serious.”

            “So am I. I’d love to see you in a cop outfit for the month of March. That’s my birthday month. Oh, God. That would be _nice._ Or you could be my extremely hot Santa Claus for Christmas. You’d have to wrap yourself, of course, so I can open you up.”

            “You’re killing me. No, scratch that out. You’re slaughtering me.”

            He smiled, but his breathing was still ragged. “You don’t want to dress up for me? I’ll dress up for you. You want me to be your naughty elf assistant?”

            Fuck no. I couldn’t think about him dressed as a naughty elf assistant. I was not that strong. I downright refused to pop a boner at the thought. That would declare him the winner of this conversation and I wasn’t about to give in that easily.

            I pointed a finger at him. “Stop trying to distract me.”

            “It’s working though, because you want to bend me over a desk when I’m wearing a green man thong. You’re so nasty.”

            “And _you_ want to be restrained while I’m dressed in a cop outfit. Don’t try to act like the innocent one here. After all, you’re the one that brought this up.”

            Instead of looking embarrassed or ashamed, Eren’s expression looked dreamy. He batted his eyelashes, pressing his hand to his chest as he said, “Oh, Mr. Police officer, could you please overlook my speeding. I’ll do anything, if you do.” He leaned forward, peeking up at me through his lashes. “Anything.”

            _Son of a bitch!_

The sound of the front door slamming shut startled me enough to make me jump up into the air. I scrambled to pick up my clothes as fast as humanly possible, throwing Eren’s T-shirt in his general direction. When Grisha called out for us, I was wiggling into my boxers. He didn’t need to find me half naked in the bathroom with his son. Especially since Eren was lounging back, not putting on his clothes.

            When he saw my pointed stare, he said, “They’re dirty.”

            I made a sound that could’ve been passed off as a choking dolphin. “Do you want your dad to find us naked?”

            “It’s not like we’re doing anything. Now if you had your dick—”

            Again came the sound of the choking dolphin. “Shh. Goddamn. Do you know how loud you are?”

            With a small smile, he said, “Yes.”

            After I was dressed, I walked out into the living room to find Grisha standing in front of the fireplace. He looked very old and tired standing there. There was something about his rigid posture that suggested he came bearing bad news. I didn’t like the thought of that, because these days, bad news dealt with Eren. I kept thinking about his rough breathing in the shower, about his confession that his lungs felt worse than usual. Why did I want to slink back into the bathroom and stay there until Grisha left?

            “Dr. Jaeger?” I said. My voice sounded unusual, holding a catch that I hoped he didn’t hear.

            Grisha whirled around as if he had been caught by surprise. Judging by the expression on his face, he had. “Levi. Where’s Eren?”

            “In the bathroom. He wanted to shower.”

            “I… Would you mind bringing him out here? There’s something I need to discuss with him.”

            Now I was afraid, because that sentence held numerous possibilities. Whatever was going on, I knew that I wouldn’t be included by default. Grisha would relay the information to Eren, and then leave it up to him to tell me or not. Being the thoughtful father that he was, he wouldn’t want to tell me something that Eren wasn’t ready for me to know. A part of me thought that was a little unfair, seeing as I’d been here at Eren’s side for weeks now, but the other part of me that could think rationally, knew that it wasn’t his place to tell me.

            “Okay,” I said.

            Reluctantly, I left the living room to go into Eren’s bedroom. I went through his closet until I found a hefty black sweater, a blue T-shirt, and some comfy jeans that wouldn’t bother him too much when he sat in his wheelchair. I threw the articles of clothing over my shoulder and padded back to the bathroom. As I pushed open the door, Eren’s eyes flicked in my direction. His eyebrows drew together at once.

            He really could read me like a book.

            “What’s wrong?” he asked. “Is my dad giving you crap?”

            I shook my head. “No. He wants to talk to you. Here.” I handed him his clothes. He took them while still eyeing me with concern. “He seemed worried about something.”

            Eren tugged on his T-shirt. “You know that I’ll tell you what he tells me, right?”

            “That’s not what _I’m_ worried about.”

            A flicker of understanding crossed his face. “You’re worried about what he has to say.”

            I nodded, unable to meet his eyes.

            Without saying anything, Eren hopped down from the sink and yanked on his boxers and jeans in jerky movements. After he shrugged on his sweater, he said, “It’s probably not as bad as you think.”

            _Or maybe it is as bad as I think._

No more comments were made about it. We both remained silent as I carried him back into his room, where I helped him get situated in his wheelchair. Once he was settled, he wheeled himself out into the hallway. For all the pain Grisha and I were going through, I had no idea how it felt to be Eren, the one who was actually sick. What could be running through his mind right now? How did it make him feel to know that the two most important people in his life were dreading the future that he wouldn’t be a part of?

            Without Eren in here to see me, I let myself slump into his bed, defeated. I pulled his pillow to my chest and buried my face in it. It smelled of him, but it also smelt of sickness, of medicine and creams and sweat. Even after all this time, I couldn’t wrap my head around this. I couldn’t come to terms with what was happening. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever come to terms with it, which made me think that my presence here was doing more harm than good.

            Now that I thought about it, it seemed impractical for Eren to stay here in Shiganshina, a two hour drive away from the nearest hospital. With how sick he was, it would be better for him to move to Trost, or another city that could offer him all the things he required to live comfortably. The only thing keeping him here in this shitty town was me.

            I turned onto my front, my body moving on its own, unable to keep still for longer than a couple of seconds at a time. Everything felt messy and out of sorts. I couldn’t piece anything back together, because the second I did, it fell apart again. This whole thing was becoming a lot bigger than Eren, or me. It was spinning out of control and taking us along with it. Even today, when we decided to put reality off for a few hours, it caught up to us and dragged us back into this… Whatever _this_ was.

            I wasn’t aware of how much time had passed when I heard Eren wheel himself back into his room. He didn’t say anything to break the silence, so neither did I. Instead, I kept my face buried in his pillow. If I couldn’t see the devastation on his face, then maybe it wasn’t real.

            “Levi?” Eren said. The tone of his voice made me want to melt into the bed sheets.

            I lifted my head up. He wasn’t looking at me. He was looking passed me, out the window that showed him the view of the two houses in front of his own. “It was bad news, wasn’t it?”

            He shook his head. Not like he was denying it, but like he was trying to clear his head of straying thoughts. “It was troubling news.”

            What did that even mean?

            “Troubling news?” I asked.

            “Just…give me a minute to take this all in, okay? I need a minute to process this.”

            A minute turned into five minutes, which turned into ten. All the while, Eren sat in his wheelchair unmoving, head in his hands. His shoulders were hunched up like he was trying to protect himself from something. Whatever Grisha had told him; it had been enough to unsettle him somehow. What could do that to him?

            “We don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to,” I said, because seeing him like this hurt. “Come lay down with me.”

            Eren breathed out a shuddering breath. He said something, but I couldn’t make it out.

            So I asked, “What?”

            He lifted his head just enough so that I could see his eyes. “Until the stars burn out. Do you remember when I told you that?”

            The memory was vivid in my mind’s eye. “When I asked you to stay with me.”

            “Yeah. Haven’t you realized the problem with that response yet?” Before I could put any thought into it, he went on with, “Most stars in the sky are already burned out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did that come off as a cliffhanger? I'm unsure. But uggghhh, it's so close to the end. I wish I could write faster, but writing is so difficult for me these days. It takes so much time and effort, not at all how it used to be. I really hate being on medication. And why do I always ramble? 
> 
> I'm also getting really bad at responding to comments. xD
> 
> But you know I love all of you. I appreciate all those that are continuing to read this story of mine. <3
> 
> [Tumblr](http://warriorflesh.tumblr.com/) || [Instagram](https://instagram.com/levi.eren_/)


	23. End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _And I'll feel my world crumbling_   
>  _I'll feel my life crumbling_   
>  _I'll feel my soul crumbling away_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, this chapter was so hard to write. I think I rewrote it twenty times. I am super picky when it comes to these last chapters, because these are the chapters that I have thought about the most, so I don't want to rush right through them. I want to take my time, you know?
> 
> Anyway, this chapter is hard, and I can't even say, "have hope," because that's up to you. I mean, I still want you to hope, but I have a feeling people are letting go of it. Don't. 
> 
> P.S. If you want to listen to the song I listened to while I wrote this (it'll make you sadder, I swear), you can [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6um2e8s4_M)
> 
> P.S.S. This is not the final chapter. There's been some confusion, so I felt the need to point this out. If you look at the number of chapters in this fic, it's 26. That leaves us with 3 more chapters before the true end. 
> 
> Now go on and read. :)

Time is indefinite, with no beginning or ending. Even when the sun dies, and humans cease to exist, time will go on, unscathed. It has always been well beyond our reach. We, as humans, cannot manipulate or control it, but we already knew that, didn’t we Eren? From the start, time has been against us, but we chose to be with each other in spite of that.

            Even now, with our end inches away from consuming us, I will love you.

            But one question will remain throughout my life: Will I always be waiting for you?

 

(x)

 

It took some coaxing, but Eren managed to convince Grisha to leave the house for an hour. There was something he wanted to tell me, and he didn’t want to do it with his dad around.

            Leading me into the back yard, Eren took my hand in his, interlacing our fingers. I’d offered to push him out here in his wheelchair, but he insisted on walking. Even after he discovered that, the second he was on his feet, his breathing picked up and escaped his lungs in quick puffs. Still, that wasn’t enough to stop him. He was determined to do this on his own. He was proving a point, making one final statement to this disease that had devoured him. I held his hand close to my chest and watched him as he walked through the sliding door onto the back patio. There was something sad in his eyes when he realized that even this small act was becoming impossible to do.

            When we were standing in the middle of the yard, he sagged down into the cool grass that was too green and lush to be real. I took a seat next to him, keeping his hand pressed over my heart. Both of us were quiet as we stared off into the distance. For a while, I watched his chest rise and fall with each heaving breath he took. Then, when that became too much, I stared down at our linked hands.

            After he caught his breath, which took longer than it ever had before, he said, “Close your eyes and feel everything around you.”

            I closed my eyes and instantly heard the wind rustling the leaves of the maple tree just beyond the fence. With it came the subtle scent of blooming pansies. Everything smelt earthy and alive, which was amplified by the chirping of birds’ overhead. But I couldn’t forget the feel of his hand in mine. His fingers were thin and ice cold. It reminded me that so much of him had already been claimed by IPF, the thief that came and stole everything away while he slept. Why had he brought me out here? What did he have to say?

            I kept my eyes closed and asked, “What did your dad tell you?”

            Eren remained silent for several minutes, long enough for me to open my eyes. He had tipped his head back to gaze at the vast grey sky above us. His cheeks and nose were flushed red from the bitter wind that ruffled his hair. “I’m dying,” he said without looking at me. “I’ve never said it out loud before, but I must’ve thought it over a thousand times.” Now he looked at me, with eyes brimmed with tears. “I’m dying and I’m afraid.”

            I scrambled for words that would comfort him, but couldn’t think of a single thing to say. It felt like I was shattering into tiny, microscopic pieces that I’d never be able to find again, because he was going to take them with him. So, in the end, it didn’t matter how many times I attempted to put myself back together, I would never be complete.

            “I always thought that I would be spared,” he continued. “I foolishly believed that I would be saved from this somehow, but there is no saving me. IPF is cruel, and it will kill me without mercy.” I winced, but he went on. “I want to be brave, but I don’t know how to be that anymore. All I have left are the choices that have been given to me. Earlier, you asked what you could do to help me. You said you’d do anything. Did you mean that?”

            At the time, I had meant it. Now, I wasn’t so sure. What was he going to ask of me?

            Reluctantly, I said, “Yes.”

            Eren stood up. “‘ _It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on.’_ ” He turned to me and held his hand out. “Dance with me one last time.”

            Last time?

            Last…

            I stood on unsteady legs. Everything inside me was seconds away from caving in, because I finally understood. Most of the stars in the night sky were burned out, though we were still able to see a past version of them. But we would never know how they looked like today, in the present. They could’ve exploded, or burned out. For us, it would forever remain a mystery. The universe was filled with beautiful secrets that we were no closer to discovering. This was also true for the human body. There was no cure for IPF. It was an enigma that no one had solved.

            When I was on my feet, Eren took me into his arms as though I were delicate and breakable, even when he was shaking just as much as I was. We were taking turns at shattering apart. The thread that had held us together was now unraveling so quickly; we had no hope of catching it. But that in no way meant that I wouldn’t try. I wasn’t ready to let go. I wasn’t ready to give him up.

            “I won’t say goodbye,” I said.

            “I don’t want you to.”

            “Then why are you doing this?”

            He took a step back, the muted light making the shadows beneath his eyes more prominent against his sallow skin. “Look at me,” he said, holding his arms out. The weight he’d lost was evident. The sweater I’d given him to wear was too big, drooping down enough to reveal the slender curve of his collarbone. All in all, he looked frail, a ghost of his former self. “This is only the beginning, Levi. In a week, I’ll look much worse. I don’t want you to see me that way. I want you to remember me as I was, not as I will be.”

            “But…”

            Without looking at me, he whispered, “I can’t let you watch me die.”

            So, it came to this? After everything we’d been through together, we were forced to say goodbye even before he was truly gone. It felt like being trapped in an endless nightmare. But there would be no waking from this. Tomorrow morning, and the day after, the words exchanged here would still be true. Nothing would be the same after today. Nothing. My life was shifting and twisting without my permission and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it.

            “All the sand in our hourglass is at the bottom,” Eren said, “and there is no way for me to turn it around. Our time is up.” He took my face in his hands, thumbs brushing away the tears on my cheeks. “I’m so sorry for being selfish. Seeing you like this hurts so much. If I could take it all away…”

            “Would you really take back these last few months, Eren?” My voice sounded broken and watery. Everything was emphasized, unbearably clear and sharp, as though I needed to remember this precise moment. All the plant life surrounding us was budding, like it had forgotten that autumn was right around the corner, waiting to strip their branches of leaves.

            “No,” he answered.

            “Neither would I.” In a voice that was almost unrecognizable, I added, “It’s been a privilege to be loved by you, Eren.”

            “Oh, Levi.” The way he said my name made it sound like he was in immense pain. Then he kissed me, our lips becoming wet, but with whose tears?

            We could’ve been standing there in his backyard for minutes, hours, days, and it wouldn’t have made a difference. I wanted to cling onto this second until someone tore it away from me, made me release it back into the folds of time where it would become meaningless. There were people out there taking advantage of their life, of their health, never knowing how it felt to have it all taken away in the blink of an eye. Humans were so incredibly selfish, whining over the littlest of things when they had no idea of the pain people like Eren went through.

            I needed to punch a wall, or drive until I crashed. There was something dark and forbidden brewing inside of me. If this was grief, then it was going to make me dangerous, venomous to anyone and everyone. This was so much worse than when Kenny abandoned me. This pain was uncontrollable and demanding. It knew I was hurting, and it wanted to convert that hurt into something violent. I hadn’t felt this way in a year, after I forced myself to get it together for Jean’s sake, because, back then, I’d been dragging him down with me.

            “Levi?” Eren said, cautious.

            I shook my head and took a step back from him. “I think—I should go.”

            “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

            “I just… I need to get out of here. I need to _think_.”

            “Wait.” He clutched my arm in sheer desperation. I could’ve broken his hold easily, but my body obeyed him, even when my mind was telling me to go, to leave, to take my pain and anger out on something. If I stayed here, he would see a part of me that I never wanted him to see. “I can’t get back inside by myself. Please help me.”

            I looked up at him, his cheeks pink and tear-stained, but that wasn’t what caught my attention. It was his eyes. They looked anxious, worried. What would it do to him if I up and vanished for hours? But the anger didn’t care about any of that. All it craved was freedom, like a rabid animal that wanted to sink its teeth into something, wanted to taste blood.

            “Just do what you need to do right here,” Eren pleaded in a hushed whisper. “Please. Don’t go like this.”

            Clenching my hands into fists, I brought them up to my forehead and pressed my knuckles into my skin, trying to ground myself. Words, vicious and cruel, swam in my head. They threatened to spill from my lips, but I kept them locked inside. No matter how angry I got, I wasn’t going to direct it at him. This wasn’t his doing. There was no way for him to change the outcome of his life.

            Holding onto that thought, I spun around on my heel and walked up to the side of the house. I punched it so hard, my arm vibrated from the force. My knuckles came back bloody and raw. _This_ pain, the physicality of it, was something I could grasp onto. Eventually, this wound would heal, so I punched the wall again. From behind me, Eren let out a small, distressed noise that damaged me more than the wall had.

            “Goddamnit!” I shouted in defeat. All these weeks of watching him fade away were finally catching up to me. I wanted to curse whoever did this, whoever said it would be okay to steal away someone’s life. I pounded my fists against the wall, unable to control myself. “Fuck it. Fuck it all.” Then I crumbled, falling down onto my knees as if someone had drained me of energy. The anger seeped out of me and all that was left was indescribable pain that worried at me like a gash that would never scar over.

            With some effort, Eren made his way to me, sinking down to his knees to take me into his arms. I let him cradle me against his chest, clasping onto the back of his sweater to hold him to me. My hand throbbed, but I welcomed the pain. It was a distraction that I needed right now.

            “When?” I asked.

            “Levi, don’t… We can talk about this later.”

            “Tell me when,” I sobbed. “I need to know when you’re leaving.”  

            Slowly, he said, “In a week.”

            I laughed. It sounded hopeless. “I see.”

            That’s how we stayed, until Grisha came home and pulled Eren into his arms. After he took him inside, he came back out carrying bandages with the intention of wrapping up my knuckles. I shook my head at them, because I didn’t want to numb the pain. Without telling him anything, I stood up and left the house. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew that I needed to leave. I had Petra’s truck and a half tank of gas at my disposal. The want to get away was back, but this time, there was no one here to stop me.

 

(x)

 

I drove until I ran out of gas. Then I abandoned the truck and walked, my mind a chaotic mess of jumbled thoughts that propelled me forward. Eventually, though, I stopped feeling like a complete train wreck. By the time that happened, I was exhausted, my legs thumping in time with my heartbeat. I had to be miles and miles away from Shiganshina. For one breathless moment, I stood by the side of the road, not knowing what to do or how to fix this.

            Then, pulling myself together, I took my cell phone out of my front pocket. I called Jean. A road sign not too far ahead announced that I was almost to Trost. I’d walked longer than I thought I had.

            “Hello, jackass,” Jean greeted after one ring. Right then, I knew he was furious. I could hear it in his voice. “Mind telling me where the fuck you are? Petra and I have been looking for you for hours. Not to mention that your boyfriend is in hysterics.”

            I squeezed my eyes shut. “I’m in Trost. I’m stuck out here, because I ran out of gas hours ago.” I didn’t mention that I would’ve been further, if the truck had had a full tank.

            “Son of a bitch,” he barked into the receiver. “Are you being serious right now? Of course you’re being serious. Thanks for taking the only car we have, by the goddamn way. Now I have to go ask around to see who’s kind enough to lend me their vehicle. I’m going to punch the living shit out of you when I get there. I hope you know that.”

            “I wouldn’t mind getting punched.”

            He breathed out long and hard, causing static to erupt in my ear. “You’ll mind getting your balls kicked into your stomach. What the hell were you thinking, anyway? Eren practically had to be sedated before he would calm down. I honestly thought that he was going to end up in the hospital. He kept blaming himself for your leave of absence. Explain to me why that is.” Away from the phone, he shouted, “Petra, kindly ask Coach to lend us his car! Why, you ask? Because our midget has wandered to Trost.”

            “He’s leaving,” I said, almost a whisper. Jean sighed in exasperation, not understanding. “In a week. He’s leaving in one week, Jean.”

            Silence and more silence.

            Finally, he said, “Shit. I’m coming to get you, okay? Just send Eren a text telling him you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere. I wasn’t lying when I said he was freaking out.”

            “I’ll text him.”

            We hung up at the same time. I could have sat there, waiting for the next two hours to roll on by, but instead I started walking again. Trost wasn’t too far. At least while I was there I could distract myself. Sitting here by the side of the road would give me too much time to think. That was the last thing I needed. Right now my thoughts were poisonous, attempting to lure me in and consume me. If I kept myself busy, I could evade the storm, if only for a little while.

            My feet ached, begging me to take a break, but I didn’t stop until I reached the first lining of shops. None of them looked appealing from the outside, all dusty storefronts and faded signs. Uninterested, I passed each one, searching for a place that sold coffee. That’s when I spotted a Tiffany & Co. store. Wedding rings instantly came to mind. That was all Eren had asked for, a ring that would serve as a reminder that I once was his and he was mine.

            I crossed the street in a rush, narrowly avoiding getting hit by an old pickup truck whose driver—an older man in a white tank top and black suspenders—flipped me off. Pulling open the front door of the store, I was instantly met with the overly sweet scent of women’s perfume. I ignored it and strode up to the first glass showcase, which was nestled in the center of the tiny shop. While I scanned the rings, a woman in a black suit ambled over to where I stood. I eyed the robin blue scarf that was tied loosely around her neck.

            “Can I help you?” she asked in a cheery voice, though I could see her sizing me up.

            “I need a ring that symbolizes eternity.”

            She smiled in a fake way. “For your girlfriend?”

            “Boyfriend,” I corrected. Now she looked prickly. “Listen, I’m a paying customer. As soon as you help me find what I need, I’ll leave. I have money, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

            The woman fumbled with her blonde hair as though I’d just screamed at her. Then she cleared her throat, back to business. “Well, what you seem to be looking for is the infinity knot ring. It symbolizes everlasting love, and a tight bond that is hard to separate, because you’re tied together with your partner. Does that sound like something that would interest you?”

            “Yes.”

            “Right this way then.” She showed me to an entirely different glass showcase and pointed out a selection of men’s rings. They glinted in shades of silver, gold, and black under the blinding lights that washed everything white. “Are there any that caught your eye?”

            I wished Eren were here. He’d know what to pick. “I’m not very good at this.”

            I expected her to look annoyed with me, but she must’ve seen something in my expression that stopped her from being a prickly bitch for the second time today. In a different voice, she asked, “What’s he like? Your boyfriend?”

            “Poetic. Artistic. Insanely beautiful.”

            She—her nametag identified her as Kinley—pointed toward the glass. “What do you think of that one? A French artist designed it.”

            The one she pointed out looked complicated, silver weaving in and out of each other to form the unique infinity knot. I imagined the ring on Eren’s slender finger and smiled, because it would suit him. It was simple, yet complex, like him. But it was also stunning and elegant, as precise and intentional as one of his drawings. What was he thinking about right now while I stood here in this jewelry store? Was he angry with me for storming out? If he was, I deserved it.

            “I’ll buy two,” I told her.

            Without a fuss, Kinley rang me up and packed away the two rings in a robin blue gift bag. As she handed it to me, she said, “The reason for my behavior earlier was not because of the fact that you’re in a relationship with a male, but rather because you look a little young to be shopping for wedding rings. I know it’s not my place to say anything, but I wanted to explain myself.”

            I stared down at the gift bag thoughtfully. “We are young, and unfortunately one of us will die this young.”

            Her eyes widened in sudden understanding. “Oh. Oh, I’m so sorry. I was so quick to judge.” She pressed her fingers to her forehead, ashamed. Then she held up her index finger. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” She scurried off to another part of the store. Like she asked, I stayed put and waited in the spot she’d left me in. When she came back, she was carrying yet another gift bag. She thrust it at me. “It’s on the house.”

            “Um, thank you.” I took it from her, unable to meet her eyes. This was becoming awkward.

            “It’s no problem. Please come again.”

            With my two bags in hand, I left Tiffany’s without a backwards glance. According to the clock on my phone, I still had some time to kill, so I wandered up the street. Trost was a city built for weary travelers. There were a variety of shops lining the street that passed through the entire city, some old, some new, and some in between. I never thought much of them, but then my eyes skimmed over an old, familiar cinema. THE MALOO looked as I remembered it. That was where it all started.

            _Eren. I’ll love whatever you become, so why are you saying goodbye so soon?_

My cell phone buzzed in my pocket, snapping me out of my thoughts. I fetched it out. “Hello?”

            A sniffle. “You could’ve called me, you know?”

            Eren. It was Eren. I’d forgotten to text him. “Shit. I was going to, but then I got sidetracked. I’m sorry.”

            Another sniffle. “Are you mad at me?”

            “I was never mad at you. I was mad at the situation.” _I’m mad at how helpless I am against this_ , I thought.

            “So you won’t mind when I show up with Jean and Petra?” he asked. “I wanted to come, because I need to see you, to make sure you’re okay.”

            I sighed, leaning up against the side of an old tattoo parlor that looked like it had grown right out of the red brick wall behind it. Physically, I was okay. My knuckles were worse for wear, but that wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. Emotionally, I was on the brink of a mental break down. “I don’t mind.”

            “Are you going to be okay? You know…after?”

            “I’ll probably be worse,” I admitted. “You can’t just expect me to bounce back from this. It’s going to take a long time before I’m okay again.”

            He stayed quiet for what felt like a small eternity, though I could hear the sound of Jean’s blabbering in the background. That was the way I knew that he hadn’t hung up. Then, he said, “I never thought it would be this hard. I was stupid to think it would ever be easy. I told myself, from the beginning, that I had every right to be selfish, to reach out and take what I wanted. Now, I...”

            I didn’t want to fight. In a week, he’d be gone. There was no point in dragging this out. Nothing would come of it. “I knew about your condition from the start, Eren. It’s not like you lied to me.”

            “Still.”

            I changed the subject. “I bought you something.”

            “You did?” He sounded both surprised and happy. That was better.

            “Yeah,” I said. “But I can’t tell you what it is. You’ll have to wait until you get here.”

            “I can be patient.”

            I laughed, because he really couldn’t. “Tell Jean that I’ll be standing out in front of the Motel 6 we stayed in last time we were in Trost.”

            “Okay. We’ll see you in a bit, then.”

            “Yeah.” I ended the call and stood there on the sidewalk looking up at the neon sign of THE MALOO. I hadn’t put much thought on how I’d be when Eren wasn’t in my life anymore. Of course I knew it was going to happen, but I never pictured it in detail, to spare myself from the reality of it. In seven days, I’d be living in that reality. I had no idea how I’d act then. Would I revert back to the person I’d been before him? Would I fight with Jean and Petra? Would I up and leave Shiganshina?

            Thinking about it made it infinitely more real, so I walked to the nearest gas station and bought a two gallon gas can for thirteen dollars (what a fucking rip off). It would be enough to get the truck back on the road. I’d have to stop and fill up in order to make it back to town, but that wasn’t so bad. God, I forgot how time consuming being angry was. It ate away at me.

            About forty minutes later, Jean pulled up to the Motel 6 in a hideous red tow truck that I instantly recognized as Erwin’s. He had bought it for the garage, to help people out whenever they got stranded somewhere, but in a town as small as Shiganshina, it hardly mattered. Someone could just push their broken down car to the garage without any hassle, and no one wanted to pay the fee to get it towed. Basically, it had been useless to buy the damn thing, but Coach let Jean and me use it whenever we went on break.

            When Jean pulled the shitty thing up to the side of the road, I yanked open the passenger side door. It was going to be a tight fit, but we were used to it. It wasn’t that different from the interior of Petra’s truck.

            “Come down here,” I said to Eren, who was holding onto his oxygen tank like a lifeline. I could tell that he still thought I was mad at him. I held my arms out in invitation. “Come on. Unless you want me to sit on your lap.”

            Readjusting his cannula, Eren handed me his tank and waited until I set it down on the sidewalk before he wrapped his arms around my neck, carefully. I cradled him in my arms for longer than necessary, then set him down on his feet. I averted my gaze as I climbed into the passenger seat. I knew that everyone here was worried about me, waiting for me to slip up and lose control, but I was exhausted. I also didn’t feel like arguing. What I wanted was to sleep, to hold Eren and sleep away the hours.

            Once we were all crammed inside, Jean did a U-turn and drove down the main road that would lead us back the way we came. No one spoke about what had happened, or about my tattered knuckles, which were in plain sight. For once, the radio was off, so all I could hear was the gas sloshing around the can at my feet. I wanted to bury my face in Eren’s sweater, but I wasn’t even sure if he would be okay with that. He wasn’t leaning back against me, and whenever I moved, he went rigid.

            I sighed in relief when I spotted Petra’s truck. I couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

            As Jean eased the tow truck on the side of the road, he said, “We’re talking later on tonight.” _Now_ he eyed my knuckles. Something in his face pinched, because he knew this Levi.

            “Fine,” I said. I threw open the passenger door and waited for Eren to step out.

            When I climbed out after him, grabbing the gas can in the process, he asked, “Do you want me to ride with you in the truck?”

            I looked up at him. “If you want to.”

            Jean made an irritated sound in the back of his throat. “Will you two stop it already? We all know that you’re incredibly gay for each other, so just work this the fuck out.”

            Petra smacked his arm. “Jean, shh, it’s none of our business.”

            “Whatever,” he said, grip tightening on the steering wheel. “Are you staying with us, Eren? Or going with Levi?”

            Eren grabbed the handle of his oxygen cart. For a second, I thought he was going to hop back into the truck, but then he said, “I’m going with him. Thanks for everything.”

            “Of course,” Petra told him, smiling. “If you ever need to talk, you know that you can call me. I know all of this is hard on you, but it’s not your fault. We all care about you, Eren. And don’t worry too much about Levi. We’ll keep him in check. We always do.”

            I grinned at her, raising an eyebrow. “Okay, Mom.”

            Jean smiled now too. “Yeah, respect your elders, Levi. I’ve been promoted to the dad around here.”

            Eren wrinkled his nose. “Oh, God. That was a mental image I could’ve done without. But thank you, Petra. I know you guys will take care of him.”

            Leaning out, Petra hugged him and whispered something into his ear that made his eyes glisten with tears. He hugged her tighter, and then waited for her to sit back, so he could close the door. They waved at each other as Jean pulled back out onto the road.

            “Here, I’ll carry you to the truck before I put the gas in,” I said.

            Eren turned around to face me. There was something sharp in his expression that caught me off guard, but before I could put my finger on it, he was kissing me, hard. Our lips were crushed together and I tasted blood, but I kissed him back, threading my fingers in his hair. When his teeth brutally dug into my bottom lip, I winced, but didn’t push him away.

            With tears on his cheeks, he finally leaned back and asked, almost angrily, “What’s in the bag?” He gestured toward the Tiffany’s gift bag I still held in my hand. My lip was split. I could feel it.

            I wanted to ask him what had just happened, but instead I tipped the contents of the bag onto my palm for him to see. With care, he picked up one of the robin-blue boxes and opened it. Nestled in the white cushion was the infinity knot ring. For some time, he stared down at it with an unreadable expression on his face. Then he took it out and slid it onto his finger.

            “I don’t know how to do this anymore,” he said.

            “Do what?”

            “Live without hurting you. That’s why I’m leaving. I know you don’t understand, but this is something that I have to do.”

            I grabbed his hand. “What did your dad tell you?”

            “What I already knew. I need to be hospitalized. Soon, I won’t be able to live without being hooked to a machine.”

            It was hard to stay upright. I wanted to curl in on myself, because he was saying goodbye for me. He didn’t want to take me away from my friends, from my life. He didn’t want me to see him in a hospital bed, dying.

            “I’d leave everything behind for you,” I whispered.

            He looked at me. There was so much pain in his eyes. “I know, but I won’t let you. This time, I really am done being selfish. Please, let me do this for you. I need to do this.”

            I covered my face with my hands. Was it possible to feel your soul cracking? “What about my ring?” I asked.

            “I put mine on, because I want to be yours forever. It’s for you to decide whether you wear the matching ring.”

            With trembling fingers, I opened up the other box and slid the ring out. When it was on, I said, “I’ll always want to be yours.”

 

(x)

 

In a week, Eren left town, and he took everything that made me Levi with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, wow. Yes. I remember thinking about this chapter even before I was writing this story. It amazes me that I'm finally here. Anyway, I'm sorry. I know this hurts. I know. *walks away because I can't think of anything else to say*
> 
> I love you, okay? Have faith in me. Have faith in their love. 
> 
> Btw, if you wanted to know how I pictured the ring, you can see it [here](http://media.tiffany.com/is/image/Tiffany/EcomItemL2/paloma-picassoknot-ring-30816617_935359_ED_M.jpg?defaultImage=NoImageAvailable&&) That's not the infinity knot design (just the knot), but I envisioned the ring in that color and style, just obviously with the infinity knot design instead. :)
> 
> Thank you for sticking around and for reading. ❤


	24. What am I Without You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When will this loneliness be over?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been swimming in work lately, so this chapter took me 5ever to write. But, we're here now. That's what counts. :)
> 
> Anywho, I received some fanart. You can see it [here.](https://instagram.com/p/8_ukfpm71c/) A big thank you to SM13 for that. I love it. <3

I slept until my body knew nothing else. Life passed me by, holding no temptation to lure me out of bed. Every day noises attempted to jostle me out of slumber, but I willed them away, for sleep had become my drug. It was the place I could go to see Eren’s face, to feel his hand in mine. When I was there with him, in his gentle embrace, I could pretend that he’d be here with me when I woke up. Although I was alone, my body remembered the way it felt to have him pressed against me, our hearts beating as one.

            There were times when I was unable to persuade sleep to keep me from reality. In those moments, I lay staring at the sunset Eren had painted on my wall. I ran my fingertips over the colors of the past, remembering, remembering. I never wanted to forget.

            _Eren._

            Other times, I woke up in the dead of night and wandered aimlessly around my house. Somehow, I’d end up in the backyard, where memories of dancing with Eren coaxed me out onto the damp grass that bit at my bare feet. There, under the faded moonlight that illuminated the lining of birch trees in the distance, pain gripped me until tears coursed down my cold cheeks. I yearned for nothing that wasn’t him.    

            _Eren._

            Everything hurt. Nothing was okay.

            _Eren._

            Why did he leave me? Why didn’t he take me with him? I didn’t understand. I never would.

_This hurts too much. Come back._

(x)

Something had woken me up. Opening my eyes, I lay there in bed not knowing whether it was morning, afternoon, or night. Sleep erased all differences.

            I pulled the blanket up to my chin, listening to the stillness of the house. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, someone laughed. The sound chased away the silence. For one moment, a split second of time, I was sure that it had been Eren and everything inside me welled up, but then my brain registered the tone: too high pitched. It couldn’t be Eren. Of course it wasn’t him. The voice I was hearing belonged to someone else.

            Fully awake now, I turned onto my back and stared up at the ceiling, where I had hung hundreds of paper cranes that dangled on the strings that held them in place. From somewhere in the house, I heard Petra laugh again. I could smell the hint of something, which meant she was cooking in hopes of getting me out of bed. If I didn’t get up on my own, she would come in here, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for her to see me like this. So, mustering up what little strength I had left, I sat up.

            My room had become something out a fever dream: origami paper scattered on the floor, walls covered in pictures Eren had taken, ceiling stuffed with cranes of various colors. Whenever I looked at everything, it was almost like I could hear Eren's voice telling me that I was doing it backwards, that I was supposed to be moving on by taking things down, not by putting them up. But there was no moving on from him.

            Bare foot, I padded out into the kitchen to find both Petra and Jean fussing over something on the stove. They were huddled together, poking whatever it was with a spatula. Judging by the foul smell, Petra hadn’t been the one to cook it (it smelt like burnt ass—Jean’s specialty). That was probably the reason behind her laughter earlier. Jean’s cooking wasn’t exactly edible. The best he could do was Mac and Cheese, and that was on a good day.

            “Making sludge again, Jean?” I asked.

            They both whirled around at the sound of my voice, eyes going wide when they saw me standing behind them. For three weeks, I’d avoided them. I ignored their calls, sent no reply to their texts, and even went as far as to not answer the door whenever they came over to check on me. Now, they were taking matters into their own hands, but that didn’t mean that they were prepared to see me in the state I was in. I hadn’t eaten much of anything since Eren left town, so I’d lost a good amount of weight.  

            “I’ll make something to replace the sludge,” Petra said in a breathy voice. She looked seconds away from bursting into tears.

            “Do I look that awful?” I asked. I knew I did.

            Jean swallowed. “I mean, well…” He sighed and I glared at him until he added, “You sort of look like shit.”

            “Good, because I feel like shit. Is that coffee I smell?”

            Immediately, Petra put down the spatula she was holding in order to grab a mug from the cupboard. She set it on the counter and poured a generous amount of coffee into it. The smell alone made me feel more awake.

            “Is there anything you’d like to eat with that?” she asked as she handed me the mug. It felt hot and familiar in my hands.

            I wasn’t very hungry, but I knew that seeing me eat something would put her mind at ease, and after dodging her calls, it was the least I could do. “Pancakes sound good.”

            “I’ll make some then.” She turned around and busied herself with the task of dumping the food Jean had made into the garbage disposal.

            When she exchanged the pan for a mixing bowl, I went and sat down at the table. My head was pounding in time with my heart. All this sleeping had given me a permanent headache. I wanted to go lie down, even if that would make it worse, but I needed to get through breakfast (or was it lunch?), and then I could convince Jean and Petra that I was okay. They didn’t need to know the extent of my misery, or else they would worry more than they already were.

            _Eren…_

“Hey,” Jean said, pulling out a chair opposite mine. “I brought in your mail. Do you want it?”

            I took a sip of coffee. It made me relax some. “No.”

            “Are you sure? You let it pile up to the point that your mailbox was packed.”

            Glancing up at him, I noticed that he’d finally cut his hair. It was no longer the wild mane it had been for the last few months. Dating Petra must’ve made him forget about defying his dad at every turn. Good. That bastard didn’t deserve the time of day. I hoped that he was still rotting in jail, or had seen enough of it to steer clear of this town. He didn’t need to come back just to ruin Jean’s happiness.

            “You probably went through it,” I said, knowing he did. “Tell me: Is there anything worth seeing?”

            “Not really. Mostly junk mail and bills.” Jean's eyebrows pinched together at the mention of bills, but I had it taken care of.

            “Don’t worry about it. I have enough money in the bank for now. When I don’t, I’ll get out of bed and head back to work. That is, if I still have a job, or has Coach decided to fire my ass?”

            “You know he wouldn’t do that. He understands what you’re going through better than anyone.”

            Of course Erwin understood. He’d lost his wife, so he knew of this pain. The pain that never waivered or faltered, but moved through you as though it were a living being that thrived on agony. I missed Eren so much that most days it was impossible to function. But I knew that I would go on living, even though not a day would go by that I wouldn’t think of him, long for him. How could he leave? 

            “Levi?” Jean said, looking at me with concern.

            I dropped my head in my hands. “I’m sorry. It’s just… It kills me to know that he’s out there somewhere while I’m still here…” I couldn’t go on. The words were too hard to say aloud. They stayed lodged in my throat.  

            “Don’t apologize. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I know what you’re going through, because I don’t, but I do know that it’s hard. I know that you’re hurting, Levi.” He reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “I’ve said this before, but with you, I need to say it again. You’re not alone in this. If you ever need to vent, or go destroy something, you can call me.”

            I chuckled, although the urge to cry made it sound off. “You just want an excuse to break the law.”

            Jean offered me a crooked smile. “Hell yeah, baby. You know me too well.”

            “I don’t think the Mrs. would approve.”

            “Are you kidding? She’ll probably want in on the action. You know Petra.”

            At that, Petra turned around and pointed the mixer at him accusingly as she said, “Don’t butcher my good name.” I didn’t think anyone was capable of butchering her good name, even if they tried. In her red sundress, she looked like the poster image of classic beauty. It was hard to imagine her breaking the law by choice.  

            Jean held up his hands as though he were at gunpoint. “I said nothing.”

            After breakfast (I'd managed to keep down one pancake), Jean followed me down the hallway and into the bathroom. I flipped on the light, completely unprepared to see my own reflection in the mirror. My hair was longer than it had been in a long time, sticking up in every direction imaginable. My undercut was also out of control, but that could be fixed in no time. What couldn’t be fixed right away were the rings around my eyes that were so dark, I looked vampiric. I’d also lost more weight than I initially thought.

            “Well,” I said, running my fingers through my hair. At this point, it was unmanageable. I needed to shower.

            Jean patted the top of my head thoughtfully. “Yeah.”

            “I look ghastly.” I smiled, remembering Eren saying that to me. Then I sighed. This would never be easy. “Fuck. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him.”

            “I know, but staying in bed all day isn’t going to help. As much as it sucks, life goes on. I think you’ve seen that these last few weeks you’ve been without him.”

            “Yeah, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

            “I never said it did.”

            I sighed again. “Give me an hour to clean myself up. Then we’ll go somewhere. If I stay here, I’ll wind up in bed again. Three weeks of moping around is long enough.” Even if I were to stay in bed for another month, I wouldn't be accomplishing anything. No matter how devastated I was, I couldn’t put my life on hold anymore. I had friends that cared about me, that were willing to help me through this, but that wouldn’t do a damn thing if I kept closing myself off. Eren wouldn’t want his absence to destroy me like this.

            So, for him, I’d put my life back in order, bit by bit.   

            “I’ll be out in the kitchen,” Jean said. “Do you want help trimming your undercut after you’re through showering?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Okay, just call me when you’re done.”

            When he left, I undressed without looking at myself in the mirror. Then I turned on the water and waited for it to warm beneath my fingertips before I switched on the showerhead. As I washed up, I thought about how selfish I’d been the last week I was with Eren. I never put myself in his position. The decision to leave couldn’t have been an easy one, yet I selfishly pleaded for him to stay. I’d never be able to forget his face the day he left town. He looked like everything inside him was breaking all at once, but I’d only been able to focus on my own suffering. Now I would never be able to tell him how sorry I was for being such a self-centered prick.

            Why hadn’t he left me with a way to contact him? Even if I couldn’t be with him, I wanted to know how he was doing. I wanted to hear his voice, his laughter. Then again, that would probably make this even harder for the both of us. He wanted a clean break for a reason. In the end, holding on would make it worse.

            In a daze, I stepped out of the tub, and took too long drying off. I could sit here and tell myself that I would put my life back together, that I would find a way to move on, but how was that even possible? My life could never go back to the way it was before. I didn’t want it to. To do that would be to erase the months I’d spent with Eren, and the summer I became his had become the most important part of my life. So what was I supposed to do? 

            These last three weeks had been torture, but I’d been so numb with despair that I was able to hold onto a sliver of control over my actions. Now, I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to maintain that level of control. Everything inside of me was slipping into dangerous territory, and I wanted to scream until my lungs gave out. I knew that, sooner or later, I was going to snap. I could only hope that someone would be around to stop me from doing something stupid.

            Once I was dressed, I called Jean back into the bathroom. While he set up the clippers, I stood in front of the sink, lost in my thoughts. Like old times, him and Petra helped me trim my undercut, but as she held my hair up, I kept remembering Eren tying my hair back into a ponytail. Every inch of this house was brimming with memories of him. There was no escaping it.

            “Hey,” Petra said gently, putting her hand on my shoulder after Jean shut the clippers off. “Don’t bottle it up. You know what will happen if you do.”

            I met her eyes in the mirror and willed the words out. “I don't know how to do this. I’m not okay.” I swallowed once the words left my mouth. I knew they already knew that I wasn't okay, but saying it out loud took a lot of effort. Normally, I kept everything inside until it welled up and spilt out in the most aggressive of ways. 

            She turned me around to face her. “Levi, I can’t even imagine the pain you’re going through right now, and I know you’re trying to cope with this as best you can, but that’s still not enough. I think Eren knew that it wouldn’t be enough.” Dropping her hands from my shoulders, she said, “There’s another reason why we came over today. Before Eren left, he gave me something to give you. I asked him when I should, but all he said was, ‘You’ll know,’ and I suppose I do.”

            “He left something for me?”

            “Yes. I’ve already put it in your room. You’ll probably want to be alone, but Jean and I will be out in the living room if you need us, okay?”

            I hugged her, because in that moment, I needed it. “Okay.”

            Then I was walking toward my room. Nothing looked different when I stepped inside, but now there was something on my pillow that hadn’t been there before: a digital voice recorder. I picked it up with shaky hands, but didn’t play the tape inside. Before I did that, I needed to sit down, to mentally prepare myself for what I was about to hear.

            A few minutes later, I was sitting on the foot of the bed, ear buds tucked into my ears. My finger hovered over the PLAY button. What would I hear on this tape?

            There was only one way to find out.

            The second I pushed play, Eren's voice came through the ear buds. “Levi.”

            It felt like I hadn’t heard his voice in an eternity. With just those two syllables that made up my name, I was flooded with emotions that clutched my heart in a death grip. I wanted to replay it until I memorized the exact timbre of his voice.

            _Eren, my Eren._

            “ _Mon amour_ , if you are listening to this, than I am no longer there with you. What can I tell you that I haven’t already said? If I could provide you with the comfort you needed, than I would, but I can’t, and that hurts me more than I could possibly ever explain.” He paused, and I yearned for him to continue, for him to speak to me, even if it was from the past. It had been too long. “As I record this, you’re sitting in the other room, broken. In two days, I will leave Shiganshina, the town that I found my life in. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave you. But I can’t stand the thought of you seeing me in my final stages of life.”

            Sinking to the floor, I held the voice recorder to my chest, shutting my eyes against the overwhelming pain that grew worse with every second that passed. Even when I could hear him, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t nearly enough. I wanted him right here with me, in my arms, his hand in mine. Was this really the last time I’d hear him? I couldn’t bear the thought.

            “I love you,” he said. “Oh, Levi, I love you so much. I wish it were enough. I wish my love could stay behind and hold you in your darkest times.” He was crying now, his voice barely there. “When I leave, I want you to be free of me. I want you to go out into the world and live. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please don’t let me take that away. If there’s one thing I could ask of you, it would be to not let the memory of me ruin you.”

            I curled in on myself. Through all his suffering, he’d left this behind for me, because he knew I would need it. What had I left him? Nothing. Nothing.

            _God, Eren, I’m so sorry._

Speaking through his tears, he continued. “Levi, the light of my life, _‘Of everything I have seen, it’s you I want to go on seeing: Of everything I’ve touched, it’s your flesh I want to go on touching.’_ I know that one day you will love again. When that day comes, give yourself over to it. Don’t hold back and think of us. Live in the present, only the present.”

            _Don’t say goodbye. I’m not ready to hear you say it. I don’t think I ever will be._

“I couldn’t have asked for someone better to fall in love with,” Eren whispered, his final words. “You have loved me so completely, and I’m grateful that I got to experience that. You’ve made me the happiest I’ve ever been. You have to know that. And now it’s time that I go, but I won’t say goodbye. I’ll never say goodbye to you. How could I? Our time is eternal, remember?”

            And just like that, the recording stopped, leaving me feeling emptier than I had before. How could I go on living without him? It felt impossible. He was the only person I’d ever love this way. No one else would ever compare to him. This wasn’t fair.

            I wasn’t done loving him.

            I wanted a lifetime and more.

            Go out into the world and live. That’s what he wanted me to do, but I couldn’t think of how to do that.

 

\---

 

Today marked the fourth month since I’d last seen Eren, and I still missed him every day. Despite popular belief, time did not dull the pain of losing him. All time did was teach me how to live with it, how to go about my life even when a huge part of it was missing. 

            In a week, I would be turning eighteen. A week after that, I would be moving. Fourteen days until I would leave this town, but this time around, there would be nothing to keep me here. That was okay. Eren had taught me everything I needed to know to live on, to not let the hatred I had for Kenny consume, or define me. When I left, I wouldn’t be running away from anything, and that was a gift in itself.

            “So,” Jean said, wiping his oil-stained hands on an old rag. We’d been working for the last three hours straight, which wouldn’t have been so bad if the garage wasn’t freezing. “Want to go over to Petra’s house for lunch?”

            I eyed him over the hood of the Oldsmobile Cutless that stood between us. “Are you sure you want to take me over there? She gets emotional whenever she sees me now.”

            “That’s because you’re like her son, and you’re all grown up now.”

            I rolled my eyes. “You guys act like I’m ‘leaving the nest.’”

            “You kind of are.” He tossed the rag over his shoulder. “Plus, she wants to spend as much time with you before you leave town. Can you blame her?”

            I sighed. “Fine. We’ll go over.”

            “Good. Let’s go clock out.”

            We walked into the break room together, grabbing our time cards from the rack. Outside, a thick blanket of snow covered the ground. Winter had never been my strong suit. I hated cold weather, and even now, I couldn’t help but picture myself curled up next to Petra’s fireplace with Eren in my arms. Would I ever stop wanting him?

            “Can I ask you something?” Jean said, keeping his eyes on the time card in front of him.

            “Go ahead.”

            He tapped the mechanical pencil he was holding against the paper several times before he spoke. “Do you think Grisha forgot?”

            Before Eren left, he’d told me that when he died, Grisha would contact me with the news, to give me some sense of closure. Four months, and none of us had heard from Dr. Jaeger. It didn’t help that we had no way of contacting him. His cell phone number had been disconnected.

            “Or Eren asked him not to call me,” I said.

            Jean’s eyes snapped up to my face. “That’s cruel.”

            “Eren wouldn’t have done it out of cruelty. He would have done it hoping that the idea of him still alive out there would help me get on with my life.”

            “That doesn’t make any sense. Sooner or later you’ll realize that too much time has passed, and there’s no way that he can still be alive.”

            I flinched, but hoped he hadn’t noticed. “But by then I would have already moved on, so the truth wouldn’t hurt so much.”

            Jean shook his head. “Eren underestimated the love you have for him, if he believes that.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “It’s been four months and you’re still in love with him, Levi. He could walk through that door right now and you would drop everything to be with him again. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t, because we both know you would. So, what I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter how much time passes, once you find out about his death, it’ll hit you just as hard as the day he left had. Why would he drag it out?”

            I chewed on my bottom lip, wishing I could deny everything he’d said, but I couldn’t. Even though I was able to go about my life without breaking down, I hopelessly clung on to the hope that Eren was alive, and, possibly, getting better. I knew that was impossible, but it made things easier for me, which was why it didn’t surprise me that Grisha hadn’t called. Eren knew me better than anyone.

            “I’ll be okay,” I said.

            Jean heaved out a sigh. “Will you?”

            Irritated, I muttered, “Can we drop this?”

            “No, we can’t. You can’t go the rest of your life waiting for him, Levi. You need to accept that he’s gone, that’s he’s not coming back. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the apartment you’re going to be renting out in Portland. It’s connected to an art studio.”

            I gritted my teeth, anger flaring up. “Just shut the fuck up! It’s none of your business what I do with my life.”

            Without warning, he pushed me up against the wall, hard. He held me there by grabbing onto my shoulders. Looking me in the eye, he said, “It is my business. I care about you. You need to start living for yourself. Eren’s dead, Levi.”

            I turned my head to the side, clenching my teeth hard enough to make my jaw hurt. “You don’t know that.”

            “Don’t I? It’s been four months. He could barely get out of bed when he was still here—”

            “Fuck you, Jean!” I snapped, pushing him away from me. My heart was pounding in my chest. I needed to get out of here. “Just…fuck you. He could still be alive.”

            Before Jean could say anything, I ran out of the break room, and didn’t stop until I was halfway down the street. But I didn’t wait to catch my breath. I trudged through the snow, my boot-cladded feet sinking into it with each step I took. The cold wind nipped at my cheeks, but I kept walking until I stood in front of a familiar house that held so many memories, it hurt me just to look at it. Eren’s house looked the same. There were no noticeable differences. I hadn’t been here since the day he left. 

            “Are you really gone?” I said, my breath turning into visible puffs of air. “Are you really dead, Eren?”

            I wanted to talk to him so badly.

            “I don’t believe it,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I would’ve felt something. Tell me I would’ve felt something.” I shook my head again. “I thought this was supposed to be getting easier, but it’s not. It’s getting harder. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.”

            While I stood there, Jean pulled up in Petra’s truck. He was out of it within a couple of seconds, rushing over to me with my coat. He slung it over my shoulders. “You’re going to get hypothermia, or something,” he said while trying to shove my arms through the sleeves.

            I turned toward him, hopeless. “He’s dead, isn’t he?”

            Jean’s face fell, his hands going still. “I don’t know. I shouldn’t have said all those things back there. It was wrong of me. I’m just worried about you. You’ve been living your life on autopilot since he left. All I wanted was for you to see that you need to start living for yourself.”

            I leaned my head on his shoulder. “I can’t do that until I know, without a doubt, that he’s gone.”

            “Then we’ll find a way to contact Grisha.”

            I nodded. “Okay.”

            “Now let’s get in the truck. It’s fucking freezing out here.”

            As Jean led me toward the sidewalk, I looked back at Eren’s house one last time.

            Why did it feel like he was telling me to wait?  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more chapters left to go. I feel like I've been working on this fic for a long time, even though it's only been four months. I suppose that's long enough, but I look forward to finishing it up. I also made another playlist for this story of mine. The first song, _Already Gone_ , hit me in the feels pretty hard. I stumbled on it while I was browsing YouTube, and it matched last chapter so well, that the tears were flowing. It's the only song on the playlist I imagined in Eren's POV.
> 
>  
> 
> [Playlist](http://8tracks.com/l-insolite/carved-from-the-sea)
> 
>  
> 
> Well, I'll be seeing you guys next chapter. Thank you for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos. :)


	25. My Pandora's Box

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _My somber heart seeks you always_
> 
>  
> 
>  
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> -Pablo Neruda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, AO3 has been giving me so much trouble lately, so I couldn't post this after I completed it. In fact, it's still giving me trouble now, but it's finally allowing me to access my account.
> 
> Anyway, this chapter sort of reads like a filler, but it's also necessary. I just wish it had more important stuff in it, but it does have importance. I swear I don't make any sense, but I'm sure you'll understand what I mean after you read, so go on. :)

On Christmas Eve, I found myself standing in Petra’s kitchen, stamping out reindeer shaped cookies from dough that had been rolled out onto a cutting board. The entire house smelled of fresh baked goods and holiday music played in the background, but every few seconds, the song was interrupted by Petra pounding dough into submission with more force than necessary. In the living room, her parents sat chatting idly over red wine. They had come home at the last second, ruining all our plans for the day.

            Jean, who was sprinkling powdered sugar on a batch of brownies, suddenly blurted out, “This is bullshit. They can’t just come back like this. Who the fuck do they think they are?”

            Petra exhaled, a long, drawn out sound of defeat. She wiped her flour-covered hands on the apron she wore over her burgundy dress. “This is their house.”

            “We don’t have to stay here,” he insisted. “We could go to my house.”

            While they argued about whether or not we should stay, I stood there thinking about how tomorrow was my eighteenth birthday. I didn’t want to celebrate it, but Coach Smith had taken it upon himself to plan a go away/Christmas party at the local church. The whole town was going to be there, so pulling a no-show wasn’t an option. Especially since this would be my last Christmas here in Shiganshina.

            I put the remaining cookie on the sheet and closed my eyes on a sigh. For the past five days, I’d been trying to find a way to contact Grisha, but he’d left without a trace. As the woman down at the post office told me several times, it was against the law for her to give me his forwarding address, which left me without a way to find out whether or not Eren was still alive. How was I supposed to go on like this?

            “Levi,” Jean snapped, drawing my attention to him. He was cleaning up powdered sugar he’d spilt on the counter. “Tell her we should leave.”

            I looked at Petra, who was glaring daggers at him. “I don’t want you two to fight over them. They aren’t worth it.”

            “I know they aren’t,” Petra said in a huff. Then she sighed, turning around so she could wrap her arms around Jean’s waist. She rested her forehead between his shoulder blades. “I’m sorry. You’re right. We should leave. Neither of us wants to be here.” She turned her head to glance at me. “Let’s pack all this stuff up and head over to Jean’s house. It was supposed to be the three of us. My parents can’t change that now.”

            I asked the question that needed to be asked: “What if they decide that they don’t want you to go?”

            “Then I’ll lock myself in my room and take all the food I made with me.”

            Jean snorted. “If you think you’re eating that food all by yourself, then you’re mistaken. I worked my ass off making those cheesecake pancakes, which I’m pretty sure have five thousand calories in them, but who’s counting?”

            The next fifteen minutes were spent loading the food into Petra’s truck. Surprisingly, her parents didn’t question what we were doing. I couldn’t figure out why that was until I caught sight of them in the living room. Even from where I stood in the doorway, I could see that they were tipsy. Both were sitting on the floor, neglecting the SCRABBLE board between them in favor of sipping on wine. I stared at them for a while, wondering if they knew that their only daughter had given up trying to get their attention. I couldn’t bring myself to feel bad for leaving them here alone.

            After everything was packed away, Jean picked Petra up bridal style, and carried her to the truck. She laughed as he attempted to pry open the passenger side door with her in his arms. I couldn’t help but think of Eren as I watched them. I could sit here and feel bitter about it, but what would I gain from that? Instead, I chose to be happy for them. They deserved it, after all.

            When we were in the truck, with plates of food on our laps, Jean turned the key in the ignition and pulled out onto the road slowly. Snow clung onto the chains wrapped around the tires, creating a crunching sound that prompted Petra to turn on the radio. As “All I Want For Christmas Is You” came on, I turned my head to gaze out the window, watching the familiar houses pass us by in a series of memories I didn’t care to keep.

            It was obvious to me now that I’d never truly accepted that Eren was gone. These last five days had proven that to me. Even if I were to talk to Grisha, would hearing him say the words that I dreaded give me closure? Would it help me move on to know that Eren was dead? I closed my eyes, letting out a small sigh, because I already knew the answer to those questions. The only memories I longed to keep were those of the boy that changed my life. Everything else felt miniscule in comparison.

            “Can you believe you’re going to be legal tomorrow?” Jean said, slapping the steering wheel until I looked up at him. When he saw that he had my attention, he added, “How’s the letter coming along?”

            After my confrontation with him, I decided to write a letter to Eren as a way to get everything I felt out into the open. But putting my thoughts into words was hard. I couldn’t write two sentences without giving up. There was so much I needed to say, but I wanted to say it to Eren. I wanted him to hear it, so he could understand just how much he meant to me, how much he changed me for the better. I was so angry with myself for not telling him these things while he was here. Now, it was too late.

            “It’s not coming along,” I admitted, leaning my forehead against the window. It was then that Jean drove passed Eren’s old street and I could’ve sworn I saw… “Jean, stop the truck!”

            “What?” he asked, confused.

            “Stop the truck!” I threw the door open before the last word was even out of my mouth, which caused him to slam his foot down on the brakes. The plate that had been on my lap was now in the foot space, but I was already out on the sidewalk. It was a miracle I hadn’t fallen on my ass with how slick the cement was.

            Without explaining myself, I started running back the way we came. The tread on my boots was useless in this weather, and I almost slipped with every step that I took, but I couldn’t stop. I had to see if I saw what I thought I saw. When I turned the corner that put me on Stewart Street, I stopped dead in my tracks. There, parked out in front of Eren’s old house, was Grisha’s car. My heart thumped wildly, hard and fast enough to make my chest hurt.

            Staggering forward, I managed to make it over to his car without falling. As I stood there trembling in the cold, I noticed that Grisha was sitting in the driver’s seat, alone. From what I could see, the last four months hadn’t been kind to him. His hair was more gray than brown now, and the wrinkles on his face had deepened considerably. He looked like he had aged years in the span of months.

            Wanting to get his attention, I patted the hood. Immediately, his eyes snapped up and away from the screen of his cell phone. He looked startled to see me.

            Punching something into his phone, Grisha pushed open the driver’s side door. “Levi, what are you doing here?”

            My throat constricted as he stepped out onto the road. It’d been so long since I’d last seen him. “I saw your car when Jean drove by. I…” I closed my eyes for a brief moment, building up the courage to ask my next question. “Is Eren with you?”

            Grisha stared at me for a long time before he shook his head. “No, he’s not. That’s why I’m here, actually. I have something to give you, but seeing as it’s Christmas Eve, I thought I’d wait it out. I don’t want to interfere with your plans.”

            My legs were seconds away from giving out, so I leaned up against his car for support. Eren wasn’t with him, which could only mean one thing…

            Nothing could’ve prepared me for the feeling that overcame me in that moment of realization. It was as intense as pain, and filled my chest with a heaviness that I knew would stay with me forever.

            “Levi, hey,” Grisha said, stepping up to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “What I came here to give you can wait. It’s Christmas Eve. I know that you have somewhere to be right now, and you should spend today doing what you planned to do.”

            “Was it from him?” I asked in a small voice. Even when the first tear slid down my cheek, I didn’t bother to wipe it away. “Did you come to Shiganshina again to give me something that was from him?”

            “Yes.”

            “Then it can’t wait. If it’s from him, I need it.”

            To my surprise, Grisha chuckled. “You know, I advised him not to give you anything, that enough time had passed for you to have started to move on from him, and that he shouldn’t reopen old wounds. Do you want to know what he had to say about that? He said, ‘Levi loves me more than that, Dad. The wounds haven’t scarred over yet.’ He was angry with me for days.” In a mournful tone, he added, “He wasn’t over you, either.”

            Before I could say anything, Petra’s truck appeared at the end of the street. We both stayed quiet as it came closer. Through the front windshield, I watched Jean’s eyes widen as they settled on Grisha, who was tapping something into his cell phone. This all felt very surreal, like something I’d wake up from and wouldn’t believe happened. It would be easier that way. Then I wouldn’t feel this incredible strain on my heart.

            Jean parked the truck behind Grisha’s car, and as soon as the rumble of the engine cut off, him and Petra were pushing open their doors. As they walked up to where I stood, I saw the expectation on their faces, the question that they didn’t want to voice. I wasn’t ready to say it, so I offered them no response.

            “Dr. Jaeger,” Petra said when she reached us. “What brings you to town?”

            “A request,” Grisha replied. “It wasn’t my intention to run into all of you today. As I told Levi, I don’t want to interfere with any of your plans, so don’t feel obligated to stick around. If you have somewhere to be, then I completely understand.”

            She smiled as she patted his arm. “Don’t worry. We didn’t have much planned for today. We were just going to sit around and enjoy each other’s company. Would you like to join us? That is, unless you have plans of your own.”

            “No, no plans for me today. I really do appreciate the offer, but I wouldn’t want to be a bother.”

            “You wouldn’t be. There’s plenty of food to go around, right guys?” She looked first at Jean, then at me.

            Jean said, “Yeah, man, it’s Christmas Eve. It would suck to spend it alone. I mean, you are alone, right?”

            I gave him a look, because that wasn’t subtle at all, but he just shrugged in a very Jean-like way.

            Grisha took off his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose, as if he were trying to contain a headache. He looked tired. “Yes, I’m alone, and I’ve been driving for an awfully long time. I’m afraid I wouldn’t make good company tonight. I’m asleep on my feet.”

            “Where are you staying?” asked Petra.

            “Nowhere, as of right now.”

            “Then come back with us. We’ll set up a room for you at Jean’s house, and you won’t be a bother. Come on, Dr. Jaeger, let us help you on Christmas Eve.”

            With a smile, Grisha said, “How could I reject an offer like that?” As they continued to talk, he slipped an envelope out of his coat pocket. My name was written on the front in slanted handwriting that I knew better than my own. He handed it to me. “Eren wanted you to listen to the tape inside on your birthday, but I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded you reading the letter a little sooner.”

            With shaky fingers, I took the envelope from him. I stared at it and ran my index finger over my name. Eren. Inside was his final goodbye. After this, I wouldn’t have anything new of him. It would all be in the past, a memory I’d scrape together in desperation. Why did life work in such cruel ways?

            “Do you need a minute?” Petra asked, putting her hand over mine.

            I needed more than a minute, but I nodded. After that, Grisha, Petra, and Jean gathered by the truck and left me alone to open the envelope that contained the one thing I’d been waiting for. But now that I held it in my hands, I wasn’t sure if I wanted it. There would be no going back once I read the letter. The reality I’d been avoiding would be out, and stuffing it back inside would prove pointless. In a way, this was my Pandora’s box.

            But, I couldn’t put this off forever. Four months had passed, and I hadn’t even begun to move on. It was time for me to face up to this, so I tore open the envelope and pulled out the folded piece of paper inside. Smoothing it out, I took several moments to stare at the lines and lines of sentences that Eren had written for me. It only served to show me that I was still in love with him.

            Then, I started to read.

 

_And I don’t know, don’t know, if we belong together or apart, except that my soul lingers over the skin of you and I wonder if I’m ruining all we had, and had not._

_-Anne Sexton_

_Dearest Levi,_

_This letter has no beginning; no rightful words to open this come to mind. I could tell you how much I miss you, how much I ache for you, but if you feel as I do, then you don’t need an explanation of the pain that came with being apart._

_There are days that I regret leaving you. I wish to take it back and lie there in your arms until I can’t tell who is who, but then I think of what I’ve been through since I’ve left, and I understand that what I did was necessary. But it hurts. It hurts so much to be where you are not. I still wake up every morning wanting to see your face, to hear your voice, to taste my name on your lips, but I’m alone, and I feel it. It’s a constant pang in my heart._

_If I were sitting there with you, I’d ask what you thought this letter would be about. Did you think I’d say goodbye? Levi, mon amour, I cannot say goodbye to you. It’s impossible, because I love you as the sunflower loves the sun. Even when I am enclosed in darkness, I still yearn for the warmth of your skin, and I turn my face searching for it, but only meet coldness. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t search for it. I will: today, tomorrow, and the day after._

_I love you. I cannot say these words enough. The nurses think I’m crazy, because in spite of what I’m going through physically, I’m more torn apart by your absence. That’s love though, isn’t it? It’s crazy and stupid, but I don’t mind so much when it’s with you._

_Now, to get to the point of this letter: There’s a tape enclosed in the envelope this came in. I want you to listen to it on your birthday. Or, more specifically, at midnight. There’s a reason for this, just as there’s a reason I made my dad drive out to Shiganshina to give this to you personally. I know that I’m not there, but I’m still capable of making requests, and this will be my last one._

_I love you, Levi. What is time in comparison to our love? Nothing. Nothing at all._

_Yours,_

_Eren_

_In one kiss, you’ll know all I haven’t said._

_-Pablo Neruda_

Turning to Grisha, I said, “This feels incomplete.”

            “The tape will complete it, I presume.”

 

(x)

 

Back at Jean’s house, we sat around his table eating holiday foods that couldn’t distract me from Eren’s letter. What was on that tape? And why did I have to wait until my birthday to listen to it? All I could do was guess, which wasn’t good enough for me. I wanted to know.

            Suddenly, the soup I’d been eating went down the wrong tube, making me sputter. As patient as a mother, Petra began to pat my back until I recovered from the fit. It was embarrassing how I’d started choking while thinking about what was on the tape waiting for me back in Jean’s room. I felt so impatient, ready to bolt, because I knew the tape was really what I’d been waiting for. The letter was just the opening act.

            “Are you okay?” Petra asked after I’d swallowed down several gulps of water.

            I wiped my mouth with a napkin. “Yeah.”

            Jean smirked, which was disgusting, because his mouth was full of cheesecake pancakes. “Still gagging over Eren, I see.”

            “Jean!” Petra hissed, her eyes darting toward the room Grisha was sleeping in.

            “Too soon?”

            I glared at him. “Yeah, way too soon. Now shut up and eat.”

            There was no festive mood while we continued to eat in a somewhat awkward silence. My mind was a million miles away. I knew that Eren wasn’t here, but the fact that there was something of him waiting for me, made me restless. I wanted it to be midnight already, so I could hear the sound of his voice, so I could know what he had to say.

            “I think I’m going out for a walk,” I said, needing to get away for a while.

            Jean shoved an entire brownie into his mouth before he replied with, “Okay.”

            Petra gave him an exasperated look. Then she turned to face me. “All right. Do you want some company?”

            “No,” I said. “I think—I need to be alone right now.”

            She nodded. “Okay. If you need us, just give us a call.”

            Stuffing my arms into the sleeves of my coat, I stepped out onto the front porch to find Grisha already standing there. He looked back at me over his shoulder. In his hand, he held a pack of cigarettes. I stared at them for several minutes, not knowing what to make of them. If he’d picked up a habit of smoking, then that would be pretty sick, considering his son suffered from IPF, a disease that killed the lungs.

            “Hey,” I said finally, my tone bitter.

            “I know what you’re thinking.” He shook the pack he still held in his hand. “I don’t smoke. Not anymore. I quit when Eren was diagnosed.”

            “Then why do you have them?”

            “This pack was the last one I bought, years ago. I kept it. I don’t know why I did. Back then it was a safety net. You know, in case I had a craving, which I did, but I never picked up another cigarette after Eren explained to me how hard it was to breath.” He paused, his hand clenching around the pack. “Anyway, he wanted me to bury them somewhere here in Shiganshina. It’s part of the request. He’s running me ragged.”

            “Do you mind that he is?” I asked.

            He shook his head. “No. After his mother passed, he was all I had left. I put everything I am into him, and I’m not disappointed. He turned out to be an amazing individual. He was, and always will be, my greatest achievement.”

            For a long time, neither of us said anything. Then I asked, “Would you like to bury them now? Or did you want to do it alone?”

            “No, I think doing it with you would be much more meaningful.”

            So, together, we walked out into the yard and knelt down at the base of an elm tree. Since we didn’t have any shovels with us, we began to dig up snow and grass and dirt with our bare hands. I didn’t mind so much, even when it was freezing out, and snow, so cold it was hot, rubbed against my exposed ankles. Being occupied made me less restless, though my mind was still on the tape sitting inside.

            When we had a nice sized hole, Grisha chucked the packet into it without a second thought. He looked at them, and then, out of nowhere, he flipped them off. I peeked up at him as he did, surprised to see that he was crying. I didn’t point it out, as he hadn’t pointed out my own tears earlier today. Once he was done giving his sentiments to the cigarettes, he pushed a handful of dirt onto the pack.

            “I can’t believe I used to smoke those,” he said after they were covered up completely. “I’m a doctor. You would think I’d be smarter than that.”

            “We all lose ourselves to something.”

            He looked at me. “Yes, I suppose you’re right.”

 

(x)

 

At exactly midnight, I sat alone in my room, the voice recorder I’d kept from months before resting on my lap. Unable to wait another second, I pushed PLAY.

            Eren’s voice filled my ears right away, beautiful and precise. “Go to the place you really saw me for the first time. Play the rest of the tape there.”

            I knew where I had to go: The beach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GAAAWWD. Only one chapter left. I'm ecstatic and I can't wait. I will try to whip it up as fast as I can, seeing as this left on a cliffhanger. I know there's so much mystery, but next chapter everything will be revealed. I promise.
> 
> Also, let me take a moment to give a huge, tremendous shout out to the users Lonely and lollylicker. They have both commented on every chapter of this damn fic, and I cannot express my gratitude. I love you both so much. Thank you for supporting me and leaving me kind words on every chapter. <3
> 
> As always, thank you for reading.


	26. Neverland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You taught me the courage of stars_   
>  _How light carries on endlessly, even after death_   
>  _With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite_   
>  _How rare and beautiful it is to even exist_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie: I put off posting this because I wasn't ready to let it go. I'm still not, but I can't hold onto it forever. I'll let you guys get to it, but just be aware that the end notes are going to be long. I'm so goddamn emotional right now. Just go, before I start blabbing. xD

It took me twenty minutes to get to the beach. At this hour, it was empty. There was no one here but me.

            Breathing in the frigid air that burned my lungs with every breath that I took, I stood there listening to the sound of the waves caressing the shoreline. The voice recorder was tucked away in the pocket of my jacket, waiting for me to have the courage to listen to Eren’s last words. There was a part of me that didn’t want to listen to the tape inside, just as there would always be a part of me that would never accept Eren’s death.

            I never got the chance to say goodbye to him, now I was being forced to do it alone at his favorite place. It wasn’t fair, but I’d known that for a long time.

            Tipping my head back, I gazed at the night sky above me. Tonight the stars were brilliant specks of light surrounding a half moon. From here, they looked small, fixed points in the sky that would come as the day ended. But that was only because they were so far away. In reality, they were massive, some even bigger than the sun. Each of them was a promise from a boy that could no longer see them. To me, it didn’t matter that they were burned out, because their light carried on, even after death.

            The same could be said for Eren, who was my own star. The only one I wanted to see.

            “Here I am,” I told him, even when he couldn’t hear me. “I let you destroy me. I let you break my heart. But…here I am, and I still love you.” I looked down at the silver band that I wore on my ring finger—a promise that now felt as heavy as my heart. I curled my fingers in, nails biting into the flesh of my palm. Once I listened to the tape, it would be over. Everything I’d been with him would come to an end.

            I slid out the ear buds I’d tucked into the collar of my shirt. Everything inside of me wanted to throw them into the ocean, to let them sink into the unknown depths, but getting rid of them wouldn’t change anything. Whether or not I listened to the tape, the words on it would remain true. I was completely helpless against it, just as I’d always been. This pain couldn’t be avoided, even if I went the rest of my life pretending that Eren was still alive somewhere out there in the world.

            I would never be ready to say goodbye to him, but I wanted to fulfill his last request, so I pushed play on the recorder and waited.

            The second I closed my eyes, he breathed out, “Levi,” as though it’d been a while since he last spoke my name. “What did my heart feel like before it came to know yours? That’s a question I ask myself often, but no matter how many years I lived before we met, I cannot remember a life without you in it. How strange love works.” He breathed out, slow. “If you’ve followed my request, then it’s midnight and you’re standing on the beach. I chose this place, because this is where you started to fall in love with me. Do you remember?”

            I opened my eyes and looked at the ocean looming in front of me. The water was pitch black at this time of night, appearing both ominous and frightening, but the memory of him sitting next to me in his wheelchair on the day of the bonfire was vivid in my mind. He’d been so beautiful that, even before I realized my feelings, he was all I could see.

            _I remember…_

            “Your soul and my soul have known each other long before now, and they’ll come together again at another time,” he continued, his words ones I’d already heard. “Nothing can separate us. Tell me, do you still feel that? Have you been looking for me, waiting for me, because I’m still searching for you. I’ll always be searching for you, Levi.”

            I clutched the voice recorder until my knuckles went white, my whole body shaking. There had to be a reason for him to have sent Grisha out here to deliver this tape to me. What did he need me to hear? Why was I standing on the beach in a mixture of snow and sand in the middle of the night? I wanted to know the answers, but what if this was all I got from him?

            I wanted there to be more. I _needed_ there to be more.

            “I’ve folded one thousand cranes for you,” Eren said, his voice dropping to a whisper in my ears, “and I got my wish. Did you?”

            Suddenly, the tape came to a stop with a soft click. Shocked, I lifted the recorder to eye level, because that couldn’t be it. There had to be more to this. What the hell did he mean, “Did I get my wish?” Of course I didn’t. If I did, he would be here with me. I wouldn’t have spent the last four months pining for him, and I wouldn’t be standing here right now feeling like my heart was breaking anew.

            How was this supposed to give me closure?

            Anger bubbled up inside of me. Unable to control it, I yanked the cord of the ear buds out of the recorder and hurled them into the ocean. “No,” I bit out through clenched teeth. “You can’t leave me with this! How could you fucking ask if I got my wish? How could you when you know that I didn’t? Goddamnit, Eren. You can’t… Don’t leave me with this.” I sunk to my knees, pressing the heels of my palms to my eyes. This wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out. There was supposed to be something on that tape to make this all okay, to make this ache inside of me subside.

            Without the strength to walk back up to the truck, I was stuck sitting there on the beach holding onto a recorder that had provided me with more questions than answers. Both the letter and tape felt incomplete, like there was a hidden message there, but how could I figure it out on my own? What was I missing that he wanted me to see? Thinking back, I mentally went over what he’d said. He’d asked whether or not I’d still be looking for him, waiting for him, and the answer to both of those questions was yes. But what exactly did that mean?

            Putting the recorder back into my pocket, I stood up and began to walk along the shoreline, my boots sinking into the wet sand. As I walked, it began to snow, a flurry of tiny snowflakes that fell to the ground fast enough to color the beach white. It was a beautiful night, but I ached for summer. I ached for arms that would never hold me, ached for lips that would never kiss me, ached for a smile that I’d never see again. If I could just have one more moment with him, I would tell him everything I’d kept inside for so long.

            I stopped and turned to the ocean. Snow clung to my hair and lashes, making me shiver under the layers of clothing I wore, but I didn’t want to go home to the empty house that hadn’t changed since Eren left. Everything was the same, yet I was different. I was so broken by his absence that I no longer recognized myself. People had told me that I would live after Eren’s death, and that was true. Here I was, very much alive, but I’d been hurt so badly that there was no way for me to hold onto the person that I’d been while he was still alive.

            “You told me that some of the damage you’d cause would be permanent,” I said, blinking away tears that drifted down my face anyway. “You knew, even back then, that this is how things would turn out, didn’t you? Well, it hurts like hell, and I didn’t get my wish. I didn’t get to keep you, and you didn’t get to keep me.”

            From behind me, someone said, “I wouldn’t say that.”

            I turned around so fast that I almost fell back. My eyes widened, because standing a few feet in front of me was Eren. My heart jerked to a stop before it picked up twice as fast. It felt like it was trying to escape my chest. This was impossible. I’d finally lost my mind.

            “I told you that I got my wish,” he continued, looking unbelievably real under the moonlight. “I also told you that I would always wish for you. From the moment I left this town, I’ve been on my way back to you. It just took me a while.”

            His hair had gotten longer. It went past his chin now. And even under the heavy black coat he wore, I could tell that he’d put on weight since the last time I’d seen him. He looked breath taking, gorgeous, and he stood there without any help from an oxygen tank. That’s how I knew this was a dream, some sick way my mind was trying to cope with the loss of him.

            “Levi,” he whispered, eyebrows drawing together. “Please say something. I… Am I too late? Petra told me that you were moving, and I don’t expect you to change your plans for me, not again. But I’d like to be a part of your life, even if it’s only as a friend.” I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Then I opened them again, but he was still there. Carefully, he took a step closer to me, holding up his hands as if he were afraid I’d run in the opposite direction. When he was right in front of me, he said, “Being this close to you, and not being able to hold you, kills me. Please talk to me.”

            I looked up at him. He was so beautiful. “How are you able to breathe?”

            At that, he smiled. He reached down and grabbed my hand. Then he lifted our fingers to his chest, where I could feel the sturdy beat of his heart. “They say that everyone gets a miracle. I got mine in the form of lungs. A few days after I left here, my dad got the call about a donor.” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed each one of my knuckles. “The first person I wanted to tell was you, but I didn’t want to give you false hope. I could’ve died on the operating table, and if I survived that, my body could’ve rejected the new lungs. But, I made it, so here I am. I came the second I was given permission to travel.”

            Hurriedly, I took my hand back and slid it under his coat and shirt until I reached his chest. There, I could feel the smooth, lumpy skin that made up a scar. In disbelief, I stood there, as still as a statue. These past four months, I’d pleaded with a God I didn’t believe in to have this miracle happen. I’d begged to have him back. Now, here he was, and I couldn’t believe it. Up until five seconds ago, I’d thought he was dead.

            Eren cupped my face and tilted my head back so that we were staring into each other’s eyes. “I love you,” he said. “I never stopped. But if this is too much for you, I’ll understand. We’ll take things slow, if that’s what you need.”

            “Moron,” I said, but my voice was so weak that I could barely hear it. “Moron,” I repeated, my body sagging against his. The bones in my legs felt nonexistent at this point. “I love you. I love you so much, and you’re sitting here thinking that I want to take things slow. I just can’t believe this is happening. I thought you were dead. Shit. Give me a second to take this in.”

            He laughed as he wrapped his arms around me. “So, you don’t want to be just friends?”

            I beat my fists against his chest, softly. “No. God, you’re really here. I keep thinking that I’ll wake up at any second.”

            “I know how you feel,” he whispered, holding me tight enough to lift me off my feet.

            Remembering something, I leaned back, which was hard because he refused to loosen his hold on me. “Wait a minute. Where have you been this whole time?”

            He grinned sheepishly before he buried his face against my neck. “Hiding out at Coach Smith’s house. After you ran into my dad at my old house, we had to change our plans. I was inside when you walked up.”

            “So that’s why he wouldn’t put his phone down. He was texting _you?_ ”

            “Yeah.” He chuckled. “I peeked out through the blinds after I got his text. When I saw you standing there, I wanted to go to you, but I had my mind set on how I wanted this to happen.” Pressing his lips to my jaw, he whispered, “Happy birthday, _mon amour_.”

            I wrapped my arms around his neck, so happy that I started to cry again. And there we were: Two boys standing on the beach in the dead of night, holding onto each other as though our lives depended on it. Snow fell all around us, numbing my fingers, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything except for the boy that was pressing kisses to my forehead.

            Stepping back, Eren said, “I’ve missed this.” He stared down at my feet. I was on my tippy toes. “You’re so cute.”

            I sniffled. “You ruined the moment.”

            “Did I?”

            “No. I don’t think anything could ruin this.”

            “I think the snow would beg to differ. It’s freezing out here. I’m not sure the better parts of me are working.”

            I brushed the hair away from his face. “Want to go home?”

            He grinned, pressing his cheek into my palm. “From what I hear, it won’t be home for much longer.”

            “It can be. I can stay—”

            Shaking his head, he said, “No. You want to leave this town. You’re ready for a new chapter in your life, and I’m not going to stop you.”

            “If you think I’d rather leave than be here with you, then you’re wrong.”

            “Who said I’d be here?” He lifted an eyebrow in amusement. “Who said that I wouldn’t come with you?”

            “You’d come with me?”

            “Of course,” he said. “I already talked it out with my dad after Petra told me. All you have to do is confirm that you want me there with you.”

            I glared at him. “That’s a given. I want you there.”

            “Then it’s settled. Now let’s get out of here. I’m so cold that I can’t feel my feet. I’m also really tired. I haven’t slept for the past three days, because I’ve been so anxious to get here, and now I get to sleep next to you.” Smiling, he added, “I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas gift.”

            I took his hand, noticing that he was still wearing the promise ring I’d given him. A flood of butterflies erupted in my stomach at the sight. “Let’s go then.”

            “Wait,” he said. When I turned back to him, he stepped up to me, leaning down to press his lips to mine. He smiled against my lips. “Okay, now we can go. Will you carry me to the truck?”

            Without hesitation, I picked him up. “I’d carry you anywhere you’d want to go.”

            “I just want to go where you go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. That's the end of Chasing Summer, my eternal book.
> 
> That ending was supposed to leave you with longing. It was supposed to make you wonder about their future; how their lives would play out from that moment forward. Of course, I could've written so much more, but that's not how this fic was supposed to end. This, what you've read, is what I've pictured in my mind from the very beginning: Them being reunited at the place they started to fall in love with one another.
> 
> You guys, thank you for coming along on this journey with me. I'm so very grateful for each and every one of you. You've all been so kind to me, even when I stomped on your hearts, but of course I wouldn't kill off Eren. When it comes to IPF, not all of the people suffering from the disease will get a double lung transplant, but some do. I decided that Eren should be one of the few. He deserves it. Both him and Levi deserve their happiness, and in the end, they got it. It just took a lot to get there, but they made it. My babies made it. 
> 
> From the start, I said this fic would have its sad moments, but that it would be worth it. I hope it was. When I first sat down to write this, I wanted to keep this simple and realistic. I'm proud to say that I managed to do both. Nothing in this fic is extraordinary. Two boys _can_ live in a small town and fall in love. One of them could suffer from IPF and receive a new set of lungs. Nothing in this fic is extraordinary, but love makes everything brilliant and remarkable, doesn't it? 
> 
> Once again, thank you. Although this is likely to be my last fic, I won't say goodbye. After all, I still have many short stories planned for this story. So, I'll leave with this--the words that Eren in my first fic said to Levi: Until we meet again. :)
> 
> -Trish
> 
> [Short stories for this fic can now be found [here.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5254424/chapters/12124094) ]
> 
> Any and all updates of any future writing projects will be put on my [Tumblr](http://warriorflesh.tumblr.com/) and on my [Instagram account.](https://instagram.com/dressed_in_darkness/) It's private, but I approve of all those that take the time to request.


End file.
